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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to NOT want exH to come to our DCs parents evening with me?

175 replies

MistyMountainHop · 12/10/2011 11:37

exH has got the arse because i will be attending parents evening with my DH and not him.

i have told him i will let him know what the teachers say but apparently that isn't good enough, he wanted to come.

my opinion is that it would be downright weird to attend a parents evening with my ex, we get on ok and no one can replace DC dad. but dh, me, and our DC are a family unit now so surely its more normal for me and DH to go together? Confused

or AIBU? maybe i am! what do other parents do that are divorced from dc dad and have new partner?

OP posts:
CristinadellaPizza · 12/10/2011 16:02

What smadarana said - the OP accepted she was BU about three hours ago :o

SnakeOnCrack · 12/10/2011 16:02

Don't know if this has been said, but he's YOUR ex, he's not your son's EX father.. he's still very much his parent so has a right to go to the parent's evening if he wishes.

Would it be very awkward if all 3 of you went?

marcopront · 12/10/2011 16:15

I'm not going to comment as you have accepted YABU but felt this was a good place to tell you as a teacher the strangest (and saddest) attendee I've had at a parents' evening was the father's ex girlfriend.

Original poster
MistyMountainHop · 12/10/2011 16:34

well, i must say, i feel an absolute massive bitch and a horrible mum to boot.

OP posts:
LeBOF · 12/10/2011 16:43

Really? Because a few anonymous twits in the internet passed judgement on you? I honestly wouldn't worry about it.

Pancakeflipper · 12/10/2011 16:48

Take the message that the posters on here are giving you Mistymountainhop - you have asked. You got a response.

When you are in the middle of the emotional stuff of a broken relationship it's not easy to see things in perspective. People on here can give it balance.

You are not a crap mum. You love your son. You are possibly being a crap ex-partner but being a good one can be an impossible ask. It's a learning curve.

But you do need to allow the father of your son be a father to him. You probably think he's crap at it. But it's your son's judgement of him that matters.

Sleep on it. Don't let this hurt you. Just use it to help your son.

grovel · 12/10/2011 16:53

OP, I suspect you're lovely and a brilliant Mum.

You've just got one a small blindspot. Maybe.

Original poster
MistyMountainHop · 12/10/2011 16:59

ok there was a bit of sarcasm there but i do feel shit now.

i do actually think my ex is a good guy and i don't want to push him out of the picture as some posters have suggested. or ruin ds's relationship with him.

there is no animosity at all between me, DH and ExH, we all get on fine and if there is ever an occasion when we need to all be together, for example, if ds gets married, there won't be a problem. we even have a quick friendly chat when he picks up / drops off ds.

its just that the thought of attending parents evening together seems such a couply, family, "mummy+daddy together" type thing it would just be weird. i think its because we were never a "family" as such anyway, we split up months after ds was born and were married for less than a year. he was a teenage relationship that just dragged on too long and now i see him as almost like a brother or something Confused

OP posts:
BupcakesandHaunting · 12/10/2011 17:00

You're not being a crap mum :)

You do need to stifle your own feelings on this though and let your ex go along. My parents divorced when I was 4. My mum and dad always went to parent's evenings together, even though by 7 I had a new stepdad. My stepdad never expected my own dad not to go. I am grateful for this, especially as as an adult now, I can look back and see how much potential animosity this prevented. Because my parents were adult about things from the off, I was able to have both parents plus step-parents sat on my table at my wedding/was able to have them all present at the hospital after the birth of my son etc etc.

Think of your relationship with your ex as a "business" relationship. By that I mean be courteous, respectful, obliging as you can be to maintain a good relationship with him. There might come a time in the future when you need him to help you out. There will be times in the future that you will be required to be in the same room for hours at a time. If you can all get on with it now, it will save a whole lot of ball ache in the future.

p.s I know you accepted YABU pages ago, just thought I'd give some advice instead of grief...

Proudnreallyveryscary · 12/10/2011 17:04

Well you were being v unreasonable but you are not a crap mum.
Bof - strangers on t'interweb etc maybe but actually this might have genuninely helped OP. If that sounds patronising, sorry and it's not meant to. I was a child of divorce and I really really wish someone had kicked both my parents up the arse and made them see sense. Then I might have been saved a lot of pain.

incognitofornow · 12/10/2011 17:06

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

exoticfruits · 12/10/2011 17:09

I don't see why he can't go, but not with you. Make his own appointment. I thought it was the norm-as a teacher some came with ex and some I saw separately. I can't see why he needs to be cut out and only here it from you.

Groovee · 12/10/2011 17:10

Does your dh have parental rights to your son? If not then surely his bio father should have the right to come to parents night.

My mum attended parents nights for her stepchildren. She had been awarded custody of them by a judge. My dad was always working and their bio mother was permanently drunk meaning she wouldn't have made the effort to travel 30 minutes to the schools. My mum went to show parental involvement but if my dad had been home she'd have made him go instead.

exoticfruits · 12/10/2011 17:11

The best arrrangement was where all 4 parents came for one DC-the DC was a very happy child.

incognitofornow · 12/10/2011 17:14

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

skybluepearl · 12/10/2011 17:24

his dad should be there too.

pigletmania · 12/10/2011 17:27

Yabvvvvvvu your ex is still your dc dad and has a right to be involved in his child's life unless there is violence and abuse issues.

skybluepearl · 12/10/2011 17:29

the school and your DS need both parents there. and it about their needs not yours. providing a unified front despite being ex's would actually be really positive for your son.

hairylights · 12/10/2011 17:32

Yabvvvvu.

pigletmania · 12/10/2011 17:32

Get over your issues, your ex has every right as you to be there. It is not an event for couples but for parents of your dc which is you and your ex to discuss your dc schooling. In fact your ex has more right than your dh to be at his bio sons parents evening. Get over yourself

justcallmemummypig · 12/10/2011 17:40

my parents divorced when i was 4, they came to every single parents evening, concert, open day, sports day together the whole way through school right up until my graduation at 21. I love them for it, as an adult now I appreciate it must have been hard but how brilliant of them.

They now go to all the dc's nativitys/concerts etc in the same way... they have now been divorced 30 years !

Maryz · 12/10/2011 18:00

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

2rebecca · 12/10/2011 18:06

I'm divorced and remarried and attend parents evening with my exhusband, we make all decisions about the children's schooling together. Our new partners are involved peripherally, but they have their own kids that they are involved in. I have minimal involvement in the education of my stepkids, although sadly their mother tries to exclude my husband and take her new husband along so he has to go seperately, or not go at all as seperate appointments gets difficult when multiple teachers at secondary school.
If seperated parents won't sit and argue then I think it's better for the kids for them both to be involved. You can tell your current husband what was discussed when you get home.

boohoohoo · 12/10/2011 18:24

My DH is as we speak on his was with my SS and his ex partner to SSs parents evening, i love my DSS to bits but parents evening is for his mother and father, I will be waiting for to hear all about when they get back.

Your not a crap mother at al, but don't push your ex out, your son won't thank you in the long run.

CrossEyed · 12/10/2011 18:38

"we all get on fine and if there is ever an occasion when we need to all be together, for example, if ds gets married, there won't be a problem."

Parent's evening is one of those times. Please let him go.

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