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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to NOT want exH to come to our DCs parents evening with me?

175 replies

MistyMountainHop · 12/10/2011 11:37

exH has got the arse because i will be attending parents evening with my DH and not him.

i have told him i will let him know what the teachers say but apparently that isn't good enough, he wanted to come.

my opinion is that it would be downright weird to attend a parents evening with my ex, we get on ok and no one can replace DC dad. but dh, me, and our DC are a family unit now so surely its more normal for me and DH to go together? Confused

or AIBU? maybe i am! what do other parents do that are divorced from dc dad and have new partner?

OP posts:
SenoritaViva · 12/10/2011 11:44

If he doesn't have a clue what he's doing at school then even MORE reason that he should be there and be allowed to feel involved.

It is not just about what the teacher says, but answers to your (and DH's) questions on the things that are brought up in the meeting.

YABVU

olderyetwider · 12/10/2011 11:44

I think YABU in expecting to take your DH to parents evening, in exH's place, to be honest. ExH has a right to be there, current H doesn't. I would imagine that exH feels that your new H is trying to take his place. Your suggestion that you tell him what's said sounds dismissive and marginalises his role

You should attend parents evening together, if you are able to, as you and exH are the parents. That's an important message for the children, that although your are not together you are equal parents. if it's not possible then you should attend alone and ExH should attend alone

maddy68 · 12/10/2011 11:45

at my school (Im a teacher) it is very normal for the two separated parents to attend - in fact it is encouraged
as great as you DH is I am sure, this is something that that you and your ex should attend

Sirzy · 12/10/2011 11:45

Yabvu.

You comment "he doesn't have a clue what he does at school" yet he wants to go to parents evening so he obviously does want to know and wants to be involved.

Sorry but he should be going with you and your ds. He is his father whether you are in a relationship or not and you should be happy he cares enough to go

sausagesandmarmelade · 12/10/2011 11:45

Be thankful he wants to participate and be involved in this aspect of HIS children's lives.

You are being VERY unreasonable....

He will always be their father.

Hulababy · 12/10/2011 11:46

Most schools I have worked in will try and avoid having to see parents seperately - there just isn't the time to fit them all in.

How would you feel if your exH said that he was going to the parents evening with his new partner, and that you weren't welcome to join you, but he would pass the information on? It is pretty much the same thing for him after all.

I think where possible it is better if you can both see your DS's teachers together.

Could your DH not stay home and look after DS during the consulatations maybe?

Kayano · 12/10/2011 11:46

I bet we get some
Drip
Drip
Drip
Feeding now Grin

Hulababy · 12/10/2011 11:46

"exH only sees him once a week, he wouldn't have a clue what he is doing at school."

Well, going to parent's evening would help him to know more then surely?

LeBOF · 12/10/2011 11:47

I don't think you a necessarily being unreasonable. It is fine by most schools for separated parents to make separate appointments, so that is an option.

Gonzo33 · 12/10/2011 11:47

I am in your situation and my dh and I go together, and my exh does not. If he wanted to (be a difficult job as he lives in another country 2200 miles away) I would have no qualms with him coming with me, and my dh. My exh is not, and has not ever, really wanted to be involved in our ds's education though. Although I do always copy our ds's school report and send the exh a copy to keep him in the loop.

sevenoften · 12/10/2011 11:47

All three of you have a right to be there. Go with your dh if you want. But ExH has every right to go, and you should be pleased he is showing an interest in your dc's progress. You don't all have to be in a group.

sunshineandbooks · 12/10/2011 11:47

If he's an actively involved dad, I think you should let him go. He is the DC's father and as part of your post-separation co-parenting, he should be involved in things like this unless there are good reasons to exclude him. Not involving non-resident parents in things like this is a major cause of resentment because the non-resident parent feels excluded and by being excluded there is a direct effect on the relationship between the child and the non-resident parent.

If, on the other hand, he's a controlling arse who pays no maintenance, messes about with contact and consistently puts what he wants before what's best for your DC, then I can see what you're coming from, but that's not the impression I got from your OP.

It's highly unlikely that you're the only remarried parent in the school and I completely understand your desire to involve your DH. A discreet word with your child's teacher should allow all three of you to attend, which is undoubtedly the best way forward for your child - three interested adults, including both biological parents, instead of just two.

ChildofIsis · 12/10/2011 11:49

You have a duty to your dc to be civil and share the parenting.
So dc lives with you during the week and only sees xh at weekends, that doesn't make him any less of a Dad.

If you were still married to xh and he worked away would you deny him his parental rights.

Me and stbxh will be going to parents evening together next week.

Grammaticus · 12/10/2011 11:50

You should go with your ex and tell your DH what happened, not the other way round. Sorry.

Original poster
MistyMountainHop · 12/10/2011 11:50

ok thanks for the feedback.

as i said in my OP, maybe i was being U, just felt that it would be weird going to a parents evening with my ex.

:)

OP posts:
pinkdelight · 12/10/2011 11:50

Why would you want to cut him out like this? You say he only sees her once a week, but surely that is a fairly standard amount of access. Do you want him to see her more and he has refused? Would you be happy for her to liove with him? I only ask because you seem to think that the current arrangement gives you and your DH priority, but it simply does not. He is her father and has equal say in her parenting with you.

Sirzy · 12/10/2011 11:51

I think it's unfair on the school to ask for two appointments. Adults should be able to be civil for 20 mins or so (unless there are major issues such as violence or other abuse)

pinkdelight · 12/10/2011 11:51

x-posted, sorry. glad the responses have made good sense.

AKMD · 12/10/2011 11:51

You don't have to hold hands or anything :)

lovingthecoast · 12/10/2011 11:52

YABU but surely you know that. If you get on ok, then why on earth are you not going with your ExDH and imparting the info to current DH at home?

This will show your DC that their father is interested and give him something to praise the child for when he sees him.

Yes, YABVU

ramblinrose · 12/10/2011 11:53

YABU

I wouldn't imagine any teacher would think of it as weird.
Also,he may not ask you what your son does at school day to day,but that doesn't mean he doesn't talk to your son about it.
He is obviously interested in his son's education,otherwise he wouldn't want to come with you.

LeBOF · 12/10/2011 11:53

If you feel uncomfortable around your ex, nobody is forcing you to attend with him. He can see the teachers at different times, and your husband can attend with you.

ionysis · 12/10/2011 11:55

Not only are you being unreasonable you are being selfish, alienating and a complete bitch.

What right do you have to prevent your child's father from attending any event to do with your child?

It may be inconvenient for you that the father of your child is still in existence now you have your new little "family unit" but grow up and deal with it. You may not be married any more but you are co-parents with equal responsibilities towards your child AS parents - regardless of your custody arrangements.

I am quite disgusted by your attitude actually and feel very sorry for both your ex and your child.

Hulababy · 12/10/2011 11:56

LeBOF - not all schools offer two appointments per child apart from in extreme situations. If they did then they simply couldn't fit in seeing everyone. Wherever possible it is far better if they can go together.

ScarahStratton · 12/10/2011 11:58

Tough. As difficult as my XH has been, he is still the father of my DDs and I still keep things on a friendly footing. He would be welcome to attend Parents Evening.

And this is a man who recently 'took over' my house, resulting in me having to leave. He was eventually removed by the police for being abusive.

He's still the DDs father though, and I value their well being over anything else.