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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To not understand the child free wedding scenario?

321 replies

witherhills · 11/10/2011 23:55

why are children so bad? God forbid they should make a bit of noise
Wouldn't have dreamt of not inviting dc to mine, wouldn't even have entered my head

Been to a few weddings where we have left DS at home, but that's our choice and fortunate to have very keen babysitting mother

OP posts:
Faffalina · 12/10/2011 09:27

Magnumwhite She was a good friend and I didn't want to let them down, plus I had agreed to attend before baby was born... I just hadn't anticipated that she wouldn't be keen on bottles!

BimboNo5 · 12/10/2011 09:27

I dont think I ever went to a wedding as a child (except one rough registry do where the groom kept telling his son he'd 'knock his block off' see having kids there clearly enhanced the ambience!) and I 'know how to behave' havinhoops1974

pommedechocolat · 12/10/2011 09:31

Why do people who don't want kids want to get married anyway? Never quite understood that one... That's probably another thread anyway though :)

Floggingmolly · 12/10/2011 09:32

A wedding reception is basically the same as any other night out, surely - as in dinner party, club, evening down the pub, whatever; *nobody decides to dispense with babysitters and bring their kids along to those events, do they?

MrsTittleMouse · 12/10/2011 09:33

Well, we had our wedding a couple of years after I had been bereaved in a particularly brutal way. The pain was still very raw and there was a massive hole in the day for my side of the family, where that person should have been. DH and I was concerned that I wouldn't make it through the ceremony without breaking down. I needed a very small, calm and private wedding.

Small children are noisy and boistrous (at least the ones I know, including the ones I now have!).

Is it really not obvious that for us the two are incompatible? Should I have risked ruining my wedding for the sake of someone else's children? We didn't invite a large number of our friends, so that we could keep numbers down and have a very small quiet wedding, so it wasn't as though we didn't make any sacrifices ourselves. If anyone was offended then stuff them. The important thing was that DH and I were married by the end of it.

havinhoops1974 · 12/10/2011 09:34

BimboNo.5 - i'm sure you do know how to behave but experience will make children more used to that type of enviroment.

Hammy02 · 12/10/2011 09:34

My reason...I wanted a small wedding. Booked venue for 24 people max. End of. And I didn't want children there. I wanted an adult occassion. Not a single person made a comment or questioned it. I never expected them to as they are all dear friends.

bringmesunshine2009 · 12/10/2011 09:36

Oh FFS, Aggggggrraaahh, the bloody wedding thread. I am gong to save some standardised posts on these topics and cut and paste for the future.

I am very grumpy today so put up the sand bags. I am going over the top:

WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH SOME PEOPLE! Why on EARTH should children be invited. No one is 'just a parent' you had a life before and goddamit you will when they move out (assuming they aren't kept tied to the proverbial apron strings until they are 40 and become stereotypical serial killer still living with mummy).

Maybe just maybe, adults want to sometimes have fun, have a drink or two, let their hair down, without wearing something they are scared will get sicked on, sticky finger prints, hair down without being grabbed, clambered all over, running after a bolter, being on constant watch, stopping them from the 12 million potential behavioural misdemeanors (ref to AIBU if unsure as to what these are). GOD FORBID they get a babysitter and actually for once ENJOY themselves without prostrating on the alter of motherhood martyrdom. I do not think a load of half cut rellies doing the village to raise a child bit is appropriate at any time.

Depends on the couple. If they say no kids, they mean it so either GO if you can get child care or DONT GO if you can't. If you can't find childcare just think of all the mileage you can have having the hump and informing the happy couple from your lofty heights that you won't be coming because of the childcare situation.

Angry
LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 12/10/2011 09:36

pommedechocolat... but by that reasoning, why do people have kids without getting married?

BimboNo5 · 12/10/2011 09:40

Why do people who don't want kids want to get married anyway? Never quite understood that one... That's probably another thread anyway though

This is possibly the most narrow minded comment ive seen on this subject

raffle · 12/10/2011 09:40

We had a huge family and friend filled child free wedding, we had none of our own at that point, it was wonderful.

MrsTittleMouse · 12/10/2011 09:40

pommedechocolat - really? Confused

We got married because we wanted to be each other's family, we wanted to be legal next of kin, we wanted to be a unit in the eyes of the world and the law, we wanted to make a public declaration that we were going to be together forever...

Want me to go on? Grin And that's not counting the religious reasons (which weren't a consideration for us, but are for a lot of couples).

You comment is a bit of a kick in the teeth for unfertile couples as well, you know.

Hammy02 · 12/10/2011 09:43

Yay to bringmesunshine. If someone absolutely can't leave their child for a day, don't come to the wedding. It will go ahead without you. FFS.

Gay40 · 12/10/2011 09:44

Other people's children tend to be vile anyway. I wouldn't want them at my wedding.
But seriously. I don't believe that a couple should have to have ANYONE at their wedding that they don't want to be there. Including children, scummy relatives, sex offender uncles, whatever. It's just the one day for you to be the centre of attention, not some squeaking kid.

Gay40 · 12/10/2011 09:45

And I don't like my DD being around drunken people either. Even when we go to family occasions, she's whisked off out of the way before the nonsense starts.

WilsonFrickett · 12/10/2011 09:47

I think it's completely up to the couple, it doesn't make them precious or princessy, they are paying for the day to be how they want it to be.

When DS was just under a year we were invited to two weddings. One, the couple had a DS the same age as us, so the wedding was very child-friendly - outside ceremony, BBQ, loads of space to run around and a nanny at night. The next was a 'traditional family wedding' of the kind that some posters seem to be so keen on. Thankfully DS was quiet throughout the ceremony, when we got back to the hotel there was a two hour wait for photos/drinks but we couldn't relax because of the sodding great river at the foot of the garden, when we went in for meal I was told I couldn't get baby food heated up 'because it was time for speeches' (obvs put him straight on that one Grin), then when he went to bed the baby monitor wouldn't work in the hotel so DP and I had to spend shifts sitting in the room.

I'm not criticising the couple at all - their wedding, their way - but my point is, if it's not child-friendly it isn't fun, and I wouldn't expect a childfree couple to have an understanding of what child-friendly is.

TandB · 12/10/2011 09:48

Op, are you sure you aren't muddling up "don't understand" and "don't approve""? I can't imagine that you genuinely can't get your head around the various reasons why people might choose a child-free wedding, ranging from budget, personal preference to bridezilla-ness. Is it not rather the case that you don't agree with child-free weddings?

I am a big believer in people having exactly the wedding they want, as long as they understand that their guests are just that - guests, not hostages to their big day, and that some people may choose, or be unable, to attend where there are restrictions on children attending, or where the wedding is somewhere very inconvenient. I have no time for people who arrange incredibly lavish, complicated events and then throw a hissy fit when someone declines the invitation.

Over the last decade or so I have been to all sorts of weddings. We went to two weddings in the same social circle, both of which had children in attendance and both of which were well-suited to children being there. Both were very nice, but unfortunately both ceremonies were considerably disrupted by the same child whose parents (friends of ours who we were sitting next to squirming with embarrassment) declined to remove him, even when he was at the altar yanking at the bride's dress - at the second wedding I finished up taking him out after a lot of glaring and muttering by the bride's grandparents. The third wedding in the same social group was child-free and I suspect the behaviour of these parents was a big deciding factor - it was also nice and at a convenient venue. Most people with children attended, a couple had to decline but no-one seemed too offended.

I have also been to a wedding with DS as a small baby - that was a "babes in arms only" event and at a venue where you could stay on site which made coming and going with DS easy. We had a pleasant enough time although I did miss most of the ceremony as I had to take DS out when he cried. The format and venue of that wedding would have made it hugely unsuitable for toddlers and I think the bride and groom were sensible.

On the flip side of the argument, I have been to a very elaborate wedding in a location that was about as inaccessible as it was possible to be. It involved a big time committment and a lot of expense and the fact that it was child-free turned it into a logistical nightmare for all involved. It caused a lot of bad feeling because the very unusual venue meant that children could easily have been accommodated with babysitters away from the actual wedding proceedings if a little flexibility had been involved. As it was we had to drive 100 miles to leave DS with family, stay over at theirs, get a plane and then a taxi, pay for a hotel and then do the whole thing in reverse with the babysitting relative taking a day off work to help out.

As long as both guests and bride and groom are aware that both sides have preferences and requirements, and are prepared to be understanding about difficulties, then I have no problem with child-free weddings.

lesley33 · 12/10/2011 09:48

"I think kids need to go to events like this to know how to behave"

No sorry, I think kids need to know how to behave. DC can learn that they need to sit at a table and behave, not run around when it is inappropriate and not scream or shout when they shouldn't, without having to go to a wedding.

I totally understand parents not wanting to take their DC's though. Last wedding I went to I was on a table with a couple with their young DC - about 9 months. They spent the whole time taking turns to take their grizzling DC outside, or jiggling him about to keep him calm. They seemed stressed rather than enjoying themselves. And they had a long drive there and back.

girlywhirly · 12/10/2011 09:51

I don't personally agree with child-free weddings. I would prefer my guests to choose whether they wish to attend without their children. I wouldn't attend without my DC unless it was my choice to do so. I think quite a few couples regret their decision when they have their own DC and are faced with other couples child-free weddings.

The biggest problem I have is with guests being expected to spend shedloads of money to attend a far away wedding, and then get loads of grief from the bride and groom about not wanting or being able to afford to come.

People should remember that when they place restrictions on weddings that they may well reduce the numbers of guests, but not just the ones they want to keep away; it could be the ones they really wanted to attend their special day.

BeeBread · 12/10/2011 09:52

The children at my wedding:

(a) threw gravel at me and DH instead of confetti when we were emerging from the Church;

(b) we had sweets as table decorations which the children collected up and then either ate or threw at the guests when they weren't looking;

(c) started a bonfire; and

(d) fell in the stream in my parents' garden where we were having the reception.

As I was pre-DC myself I couldn't help but look at them as a disruptive nightmare and would much rather they hadn't been there.

rubyrubyruby · 12/10/2011 09:55

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

FrightNight · 12/10/2011 09:56

IME the people that whitter about their precious angels not being invited are the very people whose children I would not, under any circumstances invite to anything.

LikeABlackFlameCandleBNQ · 12/10/2011 09:56

In short, some childless adults (NOT all) simply don't enjoy the company of children. I think for some (NOT all) parents, they see this as a difficult pill to swallow, often attempting to justify how well-behaved / funny / etc their kids are, maybe taking their lack of invite as a slight against them, when in fact, it just boils down to not everyone wanting to have kids there.

It is the bride and grooms choice.

No Bride and Groom should ever be made to feel bad for not inviting someone / anyone to their wedding.

lesley33 · 12/10/2011 09:58

That sounds awful! tbh I can't imagine either my DC or myself as a kid behaving like that whether supervised or not (apart from the fall in the stream, could see that happening, although it depends what DC were doing lto lead up to that).

lesley33 · 12/10/2011 10:01

likeablackflame - Nota bout kids, but I actually don't think it is totally up to the bride and groom to invite who they want without any thought of other people's feelings. People still need to have some thoughts for others.

For example, I really don't like the long term partner of a very good friend. But I would never invite my friend and say don't bring your partner. Or not invite either of them as that would just upset my friend.

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