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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To not understand the child free wedding scenario?

321 replies

witherhills · 11/10/2011 23:55

why are children so bad? God forbid they should make a bit of noise
Wouldn't have dreamt of not inviting dc to mine, wouldn't even have entered my head

Been to a few weddings where we have left DS at home, but that's our choice and fortunate to have very keen babysitting mother

OP posts:
DogsBeastFiend · 12/10/2011 00:34

Squeaky, I don't get drunk. Drink, yes, but not to the extent that I get pissed. But, plenty of people do, their choice and that's fine, but carrying on from what you say that's NOT the environment I'd have wanted my young children in, as either host or guest.

Whatmeworry · 12/10/2011 00:35

How can you 'make people travel long distances'?

You can't. That was my point.

squeakytoy · 12/10/2011 00:37

posters that don't agree with children being invited - do you still invite your elderly relatives??

In my experience, they dont tend to slide up and down the floor, sit under tables, or have a tantrum at any given moment... Grin

piprabbit · 12/10/2011 00:38

Of course we invited older relatives - they were allowed to bring their children as they were all over 18.
We also invited older friends of ours and our parents.

It is one of the reasons why we wanted a dinner party for a wedding - because the majority of guests were older and didn't want a disco.

I had been life-threateningly ill in the lead up to the wedding. I knew that I didn't have the physical stamina to have an all day event. My wedding ran from 4pm (ceremony) to 10:30pm (bride and groom left, everyone else stayed and enjoyed the party for another couple of hours). I had to book a room so I could stop and nap in the middle of the evening.

And you really think that I should have changed all that to accommodate 2 toddlers we had never met?

witherhills · 12/10/2011 00:39

Ooh squeakytoy, I've seen a few OAP tantrums, and give them a drink...?! All hell can break loose!

OP posts:
Whatmeworry · 12/10/2011 00:39

In my experience, they dont tend to slide up and down the floor, sit under tables, or have a tantrum at any given moment

You can gurantee some babe in arms will kick off just as the nuptuals are being said.....

DogsBeastFiend · 12/10/2011 00:41

My older relatives have never been known to whinge that they want a wee wee in the middle of a couple's vows or run up and down the aisles making vroom vroom car noises so I'd have no problem in inviting them to my wedding should I marry again.

squeakytoy · 12/10/2011 00:41

Exactly WMW, I was on about the old fogeys! Grin

witherhills · 12/10/2011 00:43

But Pip, a highchair and finding a babysitter/ or sleeping child in pram isn't that much of a big deal is it?

OP posts:
cherrysodalover · 12/10/2011 00:44

I totally get it- they are so expensive today and to be honest we went to one recently with our toddler and it was less fun than if we had not brought him- tag team during dinner- my husband removed him from the ceremony so as not to disturb but the other kids yelped through the speeches and then of course all the people with kids buggered off at 7 pm hours before the do finished.next wedding we will either not go or get a babysitter-I think it is very selfless for people to have kids at their wedding but very demanding of parents who think they have a right to bring their kids.

piprabbit · 12/10/2011 00:46

That's exactly what the parents did.

They found a babysitter and their toddlers was able to sleep in their own beds that night.

jade80 · 12/10/2011 00:51

Children make a mess, are noisy and can't sit still as long as adults. If people don't want their vows interrupted by a crying baby or whinging toddler then fair enough, really. If they do then also fair enough! Why should anyone have kids at their big day if the don't want them?

Whatmeworry · 12/10/2011 00:52

my husband removed him from the ceremony so as not to disturb but the other kids yelped through the speeches

I think one thing that has changed since "the old days" is parents are less willing to remove noisy/indisciplined children nowadays so chance of disruption is higher (I don't know if more kids are indisciplined as well).

SheCutOffTheirTails · 12/10/2011 00:58

piprabbit - but it doesn't really sound like you had a childfree wedding, more that you chose to celebrate your wedding by having an evening event. You planned an adult (not as in porn :o) party.

That is really quite different from planning a daytime event of a kind that traditionally would welcome children and deciding that children would "spoil it" (for you) and then banning them.

TBH I think it is quite reasonable not to invite all the children of guests. What I find unpleasant is couples who refuse to accommodate any children, even for family (or other important guests) who will find it difficult to attend if they can't bring them.

Your wedding sounds lovely btw :) and I hope you are feeling better now.

piprabbit · 12/10/2011 01:08

Much better thanks SheCutOffTheirTails.

I think I get defensive on this sort of thread because the discussion is so polarised. I had my reasons for choosing the sort of wedding I did, I didn't share those reasons with my guests at the time (because I didn't want the wedding to be all about my illness, although my illness did shape the event in reality). I wonder if people in RL judge me harshly.

The OP still seems to be of the opinion that i should have invited the children, even after hearing my reasons.

SheCutOffTheirTails · 12/10/2011 01:31

Well I know I wouldn't have judged you harshly.

Getting a babysitter for an evening event isn't that hard, and it's not at all usual for children to attend dinner parties.

I doubt the people with the toddlers minded at all. All things being equal, I think most parents of toddlers are happy to leave them behind, it's just the "all available babysitters are at the wedding" thing that complicates things.

Obviously there are far fewer people you can leave your toddler with all day than ones who you trust to have them for a few hours in the evening.

And I would say all that even if you hadn't very good health-related reasons for planning things the way you did :)

MrsTerryPratchett · 12/10/2011 02:13

FFS, Witherhills can you really not imagine how a child could spoil a wedding day? I have seen flower girls pooing their nappies seconds before the ceremony, fights (yes, proper ones) between the badly behaved and a bit strange free spirited kids of some friends of ours and our niece and nephew. Also, child fell in fountain, completely soaked and dripping, child screaming during ceremony, I was followed everywhere by my flower girl (including the toilet).

Now, I like kids and invited them and laughed at the shenanigans but I wouldn't expect everyone to enjoy that. It cost us a lot of money to invite the children and feed them and, if I had issues with the behaviors, I would have really resented that expense.

StepfordWannabe · 12/10/2011 02:14

I had a no-childen wedding for a number of reasons. Firstly, numbers - if we had invited all the immediate family children, it would have been an extra 30+ children (my husband is one of eight children and I am also from a big family -nearly all married with kids of their own); secondly, it was OUR wedding and we wanted to celebrate it as follows: a solemn church ceremony with no interruptions, a lovely dinner and entertaining speeches without interruptions (this would have been at around 7-8pm i.e. bedtime for small people = cranky feckers when still up) followed by a party (I HATE small children being around adults who have more than one or two drinks taken - Irish weddings last well into the wee hours); thirdly - an evil niece who wanted to be flower girl and who would prob have spilled red wine (on purpose) on my dress as revenge if she was there (I kid you not... horrible child).

It was absolutely specified that no children were invited but I would have made an exception if someone was BF or couldn't come as hadn't a minder but that didn't arise. I would have been extremely annoyed of someone had turned up with their kids uninvited - that would have been so rude. I now have children of my own and wouldn't dream of arriving somewhere with them unless expressly told that was OK.

GothAnneGeddes · 12/10/2011 02:23

OP YANBU.

SheCutOff You are so right about weddings having turned from a simple ceremony followed by a fairly standard party into some big self actualisation vanity princess fest.

SlinkingOutsideInSocks · 12/10/2011 02:25

startail - I don't know what sort of child-free weddings you go to which are stuffy and dull, but they're clearly the wrong ones. Grin No children means a proper hair-down, knees-up affair, as far as I'm concerned. I have a 14 MO and a 2.8 year old - them accompanying me to a wedding categorically does not = something which is in any way fun or enjoyable.

Would you invite kids to your house-warming, or your 30th/40th, or to a raucous, wee-small-hours dinner party? No, because you want to relax and have a Good Time.

Or maybe you would, in which case this is where we part ways, since your good time clearly differs wildly from my good time. Wink

Ohffsijustneedaname · 12/10/2011 02:50

At my wedding next year we have a no kids rule other than dc's and dn's. So there will be 7 kids in total (will make exceptions for newborns possibly), my reasons are our numbers are very tight, my dad is one of 11 and dps mum is one of 13. With aunts and uncles and a few friends each that is 100 daytime guests. We have also excluded cousins as I have 46 and DP couldn't even count how many he has. So we feel it's unfair to invite guests kids when we are already excluding so many.

If we had to invite kids it's an extra 26 places and cost that we can't afford.

BUT at night it's a free for all, kids, cousins etc!

TBH all but one person has been great as they have all said they'd rather get a babysitter. One friend though thinks that weddings are about family and kids should be involved, I agree... MY family will be there!

My sis's wedding DD1 was a flower girl and just over a year old, DP spent all day taking her outside for ceremony and speeches and just generally chasing after her, he couldn't relax (I was bridesmaid so had duties).

There was a lovely moment at sus wedding when she was signing register and niece nephew and dd were all playing on the alter, behaving but playing, it was very relaxed and not dull or stuffy.

It's a personal choice but I would rather not take dds if I was invited to wedding as DP and I would be able to relax.

notjustme · 12/10/2011 02:52

I've been present at coming up to 400 weddings in the last 4 years, and I can quite categorically say that children can (and on a regular basis, do) disrupt weddings. There is nothing that beats a traditional wedding (ceremony, drinks, photos, sit down meal) for creating a miserable, bored, hot, tired and hungry child, and the difference between a child and an adult, is that every person in the surrounding area has to know when a child is bored/hungry/miserable. There is no reasoning with a young child in that state either - you might as well be flogging a dead horse.

The decision is whether you are accepting of children's tantrums enough to take all of the above and shrug and say 'that's kids for you', and acknowledge that in all likelihood, there will at some point be a miserable screaming child taking the limelight (usually right when you'd like a photo of them), or whether in actual fact, you're not willing to accept it.

The majority of people who have children will invite at least close family children (i.e. neices/nephews etc) to the wedding. But if you don't have children, and don't particularly feel attached to others, then there's a good chance you are not going to invite them.

It's well worth considering that not everyone is in the position of being able to splash out inviting everyone and their offspring. Children do not always levy a much cheaper rate than adults, and in fact a lot of wedding venues charge adult prices for any child over 12. This can seriously restrict the numbers of people couples can invite. Often the thought process goes something like this:

  1. There are lots of children in our family/friend group.
  2. X amount of children = X amount of money
  3. We can't afford to feed all the children AND all the adult
  4. It's unfair to invite only some of the children and not others
  5. We won't invite any of them, then that's fair.

The same often goes with cousins, not just kids (though cousins are much less prone to being miserable).

notjustme · 12/10/2011 02:54

Most people we talk to at adult only weddings are grateful of the excuse to have a night off without having to feel as though they willingly left the kids behind!

entropygirl · 12/10/2011 03:05

hmm...interesting topic.....erm actually its just that its 3 in the morning and there is noone else to talk to.

so I think it's a disgrace! Children being forced to get married tut tut.

kiwimumof2boys · 12/10/2011 03:25

notjustme - 400 weddings in the last 4 years !? thats practically one every fortnight !
Do you work at a wedding venue ? or are you just incredibly popular LOL. Or was it meant to be '40.'

You are so right about weddings having turned from a simple ceremony followed by a fairly standard party into some big self actualisation vanity princess fest

Well i'm sorry but on my wedding day - I felt (and hopefully looked) like a princess. A wedding day is about the bride looking her best, and yes, about being the centre of attention. The first and last day in my life where I was pampered, wearing a beautiful dress etc ... I have such good memories of my wedding day, now I'm a SAHM mum of 2 and don't have time for much pampering ! so, I don't see anything wrong with that at all. (Except the vanity bit). Most of us will (hopefully) only ever have one day like this, so why not enjoy it ?