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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To wonder how people manage AP when they have a toddler and a newborn? and not much help?

124 replies

titferbrains · 11/10/2011 19:51

Have spent most of last 4 weeks with baby in my arms, feeding, sleeping, passing baby to another person's arms, or with him in a sling. He has periods of being content and awake, lying in pram or on mat etc, but when tired he needs to be held and preferably fed a bit then cuddled for a bit before we can put him down.

AP principles are lovely for your PFB when you have lots of time and energy to give, but how do people manage when you have a 2nd or more? My DH is not around to help in the evenings, my DD is unwell and needs medicine, extra stories and cuddles atm, and puts up a fight before she goes to sleep. I have been feeding ds while I do story but it's pretty uncomfortable holding a book and trying to stop dd from "patting" Ds.

Am not about to go cold turkey and let DS CIO, but would love to know how people manage toddler and tinies in a kind way. I tried to swaddle DS and put him in his cot (he normally sleeps with us) this eve and I made sure to (safely) make him feel cosy with a rolled up towel and my nightshirt next to him, but after a quick feed, low lighting and music, I put him down and he went from calm to rage in about 10 seconds or less!

Do you have a clever routine/solution?

OP posts:

TimeWasting · 11/10/2011 19:55

Ooh, DC2 due any minute, I'd been led to believe that keeping them in a sling was the way to go.

Do you think he might have silent reflux issues that make lying down uncomfortable for him? I'm pretty sure that was an issue with my first DS looking back and I spent months holding him. Is he any good in a bouncer chair?

nethunsreject · 11/10/2011 19:56

I think you are doing great!

Sling is the best thing ever. There will be times where one of your kids is crying, BUT they are not crying alone.

It is really hard in the early days, regardless of your parenting philosophy. But it will get a lot easier, especially after the 12 week mark. You're only 4wks post partum yourself!

Any groups nearby with likeminded people? Also, Kellymom have a good forum.

Honestly, you are doing a fantastic job.

WoeIsMeAgain · 11/10/2011 20:00

i would never have had a sling, i spent nine months carrying - why would i want to continue lugging around

i had a newborn and two toddlers, didnt feel any need for faddiness, didnt have the time for it for one thing. He just got put down when i needed to do something and that was that.

YouHaveNoPowerOverMe · 11/10/2011 20:01

I found AP easier with ds2. I didn't have much choice really. Ds1 was only 17months old and has ds2 had silent reflux carrying him on my back/front in a sling was the only way to get things done with my toddler.

Also BF ds2 to sleep as it would get him off to the land of nod in 5/10mins flat where cc/CIO would have taken a lot longer and been a lot more painful/stressful for everyone.

Co-sleeping with him meant he could help himself to boob, I would get more sleep and my ds1 wouldn't have a tired, grumpy mum in the daytime.

If you don't have one already, I do really recommend a sling. A stretch wrap for newborns as they cradle baby close to you and you can still BF with baby in them and a SSC for older. I have a connecta and still use it now ds2 is 13months.

WoeIsMeAgain · 11/10/2011 20:02

why in gods name are you faffing around with all that and making a rod for your own back. For one thing the elder kid will feel pushed out. For another, the baby will come to expect all that palaver

Allboxedin · 11/10/2011 20:04

Sorry to be dumb but what is AP?
I'm due next week and have a dd1 who is 2 years old next week too!

BatsUpMeNightie · 11/10/2011 20:05

Completely agree with you woe. Why DO people do all this stuff? Is life just too easy for them and they have to find shit to do to make it a little harder? And WTF is AP anyway? Some other new acronym for new mothers to aspire to and feel shit if they fail?

RitaMorgan · 11/10/2011 20:09

WoeIsMeAgain - do you just pop up on threads with an attempt to be controversial?

Breastfeeding thread - "breastfeeding past x is wrong"
Working mum thread - "strangers raising your child"
AP thread - "rod for your own back"

It's getting boringly predictable.

Conkertree · 11/10/2011 20:10

Dont think there is a magic solution. Ds3 is three weeks old, and spends a fair amount of the day in the sling, but sometimes when he is deeply asleep, he will go down in his pram. When we try and put him down when he has only just fallen asleep, he invariably wakes up again.

The bit I am finding hard is from collecting ds1 from nursery until tea time. Ds1 and ds2 want some attention, ds3 is usually in the sling, and I need to get the tea made, which is ok with the sling, but not the easiest. Have to try very hard to stay calm at time when the older two start being demanding.

I sympathise with the bedtime bit. I similarly try and feed during the story. Guess it will be easier in a few weeks/months time when the babies are happier to lie on a mat and play a bit. But this is our last dc so am determined not to wish the time away .

milkysmum · 11/10/2011 20:12

Another person here wondering what AP is????? I have a newborn (11 days) and a 2.5 year old. DH due back at work tomorow so it will be my fisrt day managing them both alone, we'll see how things go........

TattyDevine · 11/10/2011 20:13

Just do what you have to do.

Pick the baby up if you need to, cuddle it when you have time, pop it down somewhere when you need to do something, if he cries he cries, see to him when possible, do what you have to do to get through this time.

If you have a toddler who needs the toilet or has just opened the front door or any other number of things, the baby will wait. It wont hurt them.

I had 2 children 2 years apart so sometimes my son had to wait while I fed my daughter, and sometimes my son was in the bath and it would become apparent that she hadn't settled for the night - tough, she had to cry for a bit because I was busy with my son.

More often than not when this happened I'd finish up with my son and realise she had stopped. We are only talking a minute or two but its a minute or two she wouldn't have had to cry if she was child number one, so there you go, 2nd child syndrome!

I don't know whether I subscribe to the "rod for your own back" type sentiments but don't feel you have to follow a specific formula. Just unclench and go with it.

BatsUpMeNightie · 11/10/2011 20:13

Well you'd better get yourself AP'ing milky! Quicksticks! Don't want to traumatise that poor baby by leaving it alone for a minute or two!

MissBetsyTrotwood · 11/10/2011 20:14

I think I was more AP with DS2 (20mo gap) out of necessity - sling all the time so I could just get stuff done.

But... I do think it's important that DC1 has time with you when the baby's not attached to your front feeding or in the sling so you are able to devote yourself entirely to them. My DH works evenings too and I used to leave DS2 in the lounge (often furious and upset) with the door shut while I gave DS1 the ten minutes of bedtime story and cuddles alone. Sometimes DS2 would fall asleep by the time we were finished, sometimes he'd just gratefully latch on and breathe a sigh of relief as soon as I was back.

However you manage will be fine. Just...when they are finally both asleep... try to make a little, tiny bit of time for yourself, OK?

DogsBeastFiend · 11/10/2011 20:14

I have to agree with Woe. I was a lone parent by the time my 2nd chil was 7 weeks old. Her sister was 19 months old. No support, no local friends or family, no car, just had an ELCS... but hey, we got through it and though I recall being tired (when am I not though!) it wasn't hell on earth.

I didn't do the sling/co sleeping thing - I needed some space, that helped maintain my sanity. I didn't BF either - not suggesting that you shouldn;t but I feel that it was another reason why I didn't find having 2 babes and no support so hard.

TattyDevine · 11/10/2011 20:14

AP = Attachment Parenting

(because if you don't carry them round all day then you are like totally detached and shit)

worraliberty · 11/10/2011 20:15

I'm lost at AP and CIO??

ThatsNotMyBabyBelly · 11/10/2011 20:16

Another one who doesn't know was AP is.

I have dd1 2.1 and dd2 17 weeks.

Dd2 gets dumped placed down carefully when necessary and spent the first 6 weeks of her life in various moses basket/bean bag/pram situations with me carrying her between them.

If she moaned she got ignored while I put dd1 down, if she cried she got fed and put back into sleeping contraption while I put dd1 down. If she screamed then I would juggle both of them but that happened twice maybe.

She now nods off silently wherever she fancies a nap . She has had no choice really, I only have 2 hands. But then she is a happy soul.

YouHaveNoPowerOverMe · 11/10/2011 20:16

Oh and bedtime got easier as baby got slightly older.

At about 12 weeks old ds2 would be out for the count around 7pm so I just moved ds1's bedtime to 7.30pm. This meant I could get the baby down then spend half hour with just the toddler reading stories and having good night cuddles.

BatsUpMeNightie · 11/10/2011 20:16

Attachment Parenting? For the love of mercy - who thinks this stuff up? Clearly someone who doesn't like parents very much!

Original poster

titferbrains · 11/10/2011 20:17

defo no reflux, he is fine lying down when fed and awake, and is generally a calm baby.

I enjoy holding him/having him near me and am using sling, but occasionally find this a bit tiring/a faff and would like to put him down for more naps and I'd like to get him into a nice evening routine so I can at least have a bit more time to cook (one of my pleasures, not a chore).

OP posts:

worraliberty · 11/10/2011 20:18

CIO anyone please?

BatsUpMeNightie · 11/10/2011 20:19

So - errr - titfer - why don't you just put him down? Go on - nothing bad will happen and I can almost 100% guarantee you he won't hunt you down in later life and murder you for putting him down and getting on with other things.

LaWeasel · 11/10/2011 20:19

Advice from all parents of more than one I know in RL, is that the eldest is used to the attention, the baby is not. It works far better to let the baby cry for a few minutes while dealing with the older ones if necessary, because younger will not care that they are being put second for a while whereas the eldest will, and can get into a lot more trouble a lot more quickly.

On the AP side, I'm not sure why you can't still feed to sleep/co-sleep etc if you want to with the baby?

But no2 has not arrived yet, so we'll see.

ThatsNotMyBabyBelly · 11/10/2011 20:19

Really?! Carry them around all the time?

For clumsy people that is just not safe

BatsUpMeNightie · 11/10/2011 20:19

No idea worra but it's bound to be some other made up junk designed to instill angst in new parents!

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