to feel that the mess is getting out of control thanks to DH?

[ILoatheMickeyMouseClubhouse]

My DH has never been the tidiest person but things are getting out of hand now and I am really struggling to keep on top of all the washing, cooking, cleaning, tidying etc, with all the tidying up I have to do after DH.

For starters, he won't clean anything. Ever. He will just about put his plate in the dishwasher after a meal but that is it. If our youngest is in his highchair and DH gets him out, he won't clean the highchair. If I ask him why he hasn't cleaned it he just says "Well I didn't know it needed doing". He leaves cups, glasses, packets, boxes, paperwork, shoes, coats, bags, etc etc piled wherever he goes. The dining table gets piled up on a daily basis with his "stuff". I am expected to cook a meal every evening and dish it up for the kids and he wont' clear the table, so that's yet another thing I have to do on top of sorting 3 kids out.

He never puts any clothes away. Our bedroom floor is literally covered in his clothes, and I mean covered. I have long since given up putting his clothes away for him. I do do his washing and ironing but am debating giving up doing that as he literally takes it upstairs, dumps it on the bedroom floor and he just kicks is around the floor with the rest of his clothes and occasionally gets a big armful of stuff and puts it in the wash basket for me to wash, dirty or clean.

I feel like I never sit down during the day and don't stop tidying yet even in an hour each morning before he leaves for work he manages to make the place filthy and untidy. this morning the house is awful, stuff of his everywhere. I need to do a lot of cleaning again today but it's going to take me at least an hour to tidy all his stuff first. It doesn't help that our toddler is into everything and is quite hard work. I just feel that I am left to do everything, and that he doesn't think, or consider me at all. He was off work yesterday and spent the day dozing or at the computer, whilst I ran around doing everything.

Oh and he regularly calls me lazy, yet if he stopped being messy and helped out a bit in the house it would be a lot better. I am so annoyed.

I agree sgb

it is territory marking...pure and simple

Get a great big box - each evening, throw everything of his which is not in the rightful place into it. Everything. Ticket stubs, receipts, loose change, bottles of juice, trainers, socks etc.

Do not put any of his clothes into the washing basket, let alone the machine. Do not iron any of his possessions.

If he cannot be bothered to clear his plate away at the end of a meal, he does not deserve to be given a plate with a meal on it.

Do not allow him to dictate to you his expectations re: hosework / dinner etc until he ups his own responsiblities by at least behaving like a civilised member of the household.

Be strong. Kick his arse. Striking against him does not mean your kids will end up living in squalor or with a lack of food. You surely do not want them growing up with a view that mothers should be treated in this manner?

I'm not sure those suggesting the box and "a strike" quite understand the consequences of doing that when you live with an abusive man. You cannot escape it, you cannot get them to see what they are doing and how it makes you feel. They will argue black is white, and then deny ever saying it. No matter what you do, it always ends up as your fault. And they will change the facts to make sure they are not in the wrong. Other than walking away, you cannot win.

I tried the box thing. Instead of being blamed for him not being able to find things because of "the bloody mess" I hadn't cleared up, I was blamed for things going missing because either I'd put them somewhere he couldn't find or "thrown them out in one of your strops" - when in fact the item in question was lost because of something he'd done with it.

OP, you have my sympathy because this is so disempowering. At the point I realised that it wasn't me and that nothing but nothing would ever make a difference I started to make a plan to leave.

I'm a bit late to this thread and admit I've not read it all.

I just wanted to say that I could have written that very same post, OP.

My Dh is exactly the same. He popped home for lunch yesterday and managed to make the kitchen look like a bombsite - then stayed working from home for the rest of the day and just left it. It was all sitting there when I came home from work after picking up the kids.

I tidied up, filled and ran the dishwasher and made the dinner whilst he sat on the sofa with the kids watching tv.

I am not a martyr, I do not pick up his clothes, or do any of his washing or ironing, but when his mess affects the rest of us then I do tidy it up. I know I shouldn't really, but when I go to use the bathroom sink and it is still covered in stubble from his morning shave, I am the one who wipes and cleans it.

I hadn't thought of his behaviour as being abusive (that seems a bit extreme, because my DH is one of the good guys, a genuinly nice person who adores me and the kids), but when I look at this pattern of his behaviour I think yes, it is abusive, but not meant in a malicious way, more of an unthoughtful way.

Anyway, this is turning into a bit of a brain dump and I don't mean it to, but I will re-read this thread in whole with interest.

I see the difference between thoughtless men and abusive men. My present DH is thoughtless and as I said earlier doesn't expect stuff to be pristine.He works in a completely different time zone to me and leaves stuff at his ass. He doesn't EXPECT me to clear it up. He always says he is "getting to it".

My ex was an abusive man,called me lazy and expected me to do a fulls days work and then come home and cook and clean. This is why he is an ex.

Present DH does do stuff,not just when I want him to :o

Counselling might be helpful.

You sound at the end of your tether, understandably, and he needs to know how serious this is.

He sounds like he has mental health issues tbh, perhaps depression?

Otherwise he is a useless lazy selfish person who is not worthy of you.

I had a partner like this. The only way I solved it - by losing 15 stone of mess - losing the partner, now my Ex-P. I have a very small house with minimal storage. I have 4 dc - 2 with SN, one is a baby.

He would get in from work, have 3 coffees in quick succession - in different cups - leaving each cup where he last put it. His coat would be dumped on the stairs. He would stuff his crisp packets down the sofa or on the floor. He would take his dirty clothes off and dump them wherever he was at the time - often in a really dangerous place like the top of the stairs. He used to shout at me when he ran out of uniform - I won't wash dc's clothes if they're not in the wash basket, certainly wasn't going to do it for an adult. He wouldn't wash up - the only regular job I asked him to do as I was doing all the cooking was to wash up. He would wait until there were no more plates - even if that meant we had nothing to eat lunch off while he was at work - so I would end up having to do it.

I tried the 'all his crap in a box thing'. It DIDN'T end well - he got his MUM (my MIL) to come round and tidy up for him...AND she called me all the names under the sun for not looking after her 36yo little boy properly, and that I was just a slattern that didn't deserve him. AND he collected every bit of my paperwork OUT of my filing cabinet and put it on my bed - because I had filed my own paperwork but not his, as I'd shoved it in the box because I was fed up with stacks of it round the house. He also 'accidentally' spilt coffee over my clean, ironed clothes in my drawer (that was shut when I left it) because I refused to do his washing if it wasn't in the basket - if he didn't get clean ironed clothes then neither did I.

Do you know what? Since he has gone - my house is SO easy to keep tidy. My dc (even the two with SN) do all their chores, my house looks tidy, I don't get called lazy, I don't have to trip over dirty clothes, it takes hardly any time at all to keep the house tidy, my life is so much less stressful without his trying to make me his skivvy.

OP - lose the dead weight, he'll never change. Your life will become so much easier and less stressful and messy you won't believe it!

There's a fairly easy way to check if the man is just a thoughtless lazyarse, or whether he's actually abusive. The thoughtless lazyarse will just not do the tasks, or get distracted from doing them, but he will not get angry or aggressive if the woman complains or tries various methods to make him do his share. The nice-but-lazy man will make a bit of an effort, will be shamefaced about the mess.
A man who responds to complaints or going on strike with verbal aggression, plate smashing, damaging your stuff or making even more mess deliberately is a man who is abusive.

Must read this properly later as my dh is similar. He once commented on something being out of date in the fridge. The next time I went in the fridge it was still there. He also does the piles of clothes on the floor thing. Glass from night before never makes it to the kiten. However, he does cook most of his meals.

Hi again sorry just read again and someone was asking Pinkponcho do you actually do anything?

I do, but kind of focus on the toddler rather than getting stuff done like housework. I didn't actually become a sahm to focus on housework, and think to try and get loads done might be a bit tricky with a two year old. It can be a nice thing for them to do with you, but for example loading the washing on the hanger takes us for ever! (I like to let him help- the toddler) It's far easier if my dp just does it at lunchtime, he's much more efficient than me (one of those whizz-round people who just makes it all look tidy in a few minutes whereas it takes me ages even without the kids 'helping'

He actually prefers us being out mornings so he can get on with things, so we sometimes walk up with ds1 to school, spend ages on a walk on the way back, maybe pop into a cafe or toddler group, music group (ds2 goes to nursery once a week so i can go swim/gym- at the mo I'm looking forward to him turning 3 so he can do his 15 hrs so I can do that a bit more- I def won't be focusing on the 'housework' although it might be nice to sort out a few house things without a rush)

So, there we are. We tend to stay out till lunchtime, sometimes we pop into the little shop dp's mum has for a cuppa and a chat, or the library is another favourite place. We sometimes take dp back a cake or something, then I like to read / cook a bit when ds has his nap, then it's up to the school again and home. Chat with the boys and cook tea with them.

Feels like dp and I have a shared role as regards the house stuff, which to be honest isn't that much, it's pretty clean as we're out a lot.

I had no idea so many men where like this and didn't realise I was so lucky. I forgot to mention that although tidy my dp is a bit of a neat freak and for example wants the pans in a certain order! So, I have to put up with a neat freak! I try to stay tidy but know he finds my messier ways a bit tricky.

so how are things now OP? have you got a plan of action for the mess or better yet have booted your H out?

Am I the only one picking up on this:

"Well I didn't know it needed doing".

OP have you ever sat him down and divided/discussed chores?

sit down and talk to him about everything. show him your post here if you have to.

i would start by thowing everything he leaves around in a huge box. keep a box upstairs and another one downstairs. bills, trainers,sweetie wrappers, dirty pants, mobile, DIY tools etc all in together.

secondly get him to pay for a cleaner once a week for 2 hours.

next you need to get him in to a routine.together write a simple routine down and stick it on the wall. tell him completing the routine is how he will support you and make you happy.

daily routine could be -
he gets in from work each day and after tea loads the dish washer and baths the kids.reads story.
sets a timer and uses 20 mins to go through any box.

i bet his mu did everything for hi8m when he was at home!

But the OP's already tried various methods to get this shitbag to do his share and he has responed with aggression. This is not about cock-blindness. This is about a man who thinks he is entitled to put the OP in her place and train her to serve him, like she's a dog or something.

ah SGB If only I could train my dogs to serve me!

Sadly, I serve them, but at least my DH does his fair share of housey things. Swings n roundabouts.

well, since we are talking about dogs

< err, excuse me, I was the first to mention dog on this thread >

I would rather live with a spaniel, than this cunt

seriously

well said AnyPhantom well said

this bloke gives dogs a bad name

I like dogs

I don't like blokes like this

iloathe I could have written your 1st post, did his mum do everything for him when he lives at home? My husband has no redeeming features other than he's the father of my children and he loves them. Life's a bitch sometimes . If you can stand slow progress and I mean slow then stick with him, if not 'leave the bastard'!

*lived

Sry I pressed watched instead of active

ILoathe - you KNOW you're not lazy. very far from it.

so you have to shut out his digging at you on that basis because you know and he knows that it's your achilles heel. if you are to get anywhere with changing things that's the first thing YOU have to change.

i don't think there are any magic solutions.

what works well for us is division of chores - my dh empties the dishwasher, takes the rubbish out, gives the kids breakfast on most days and puts the older ones to bed. i'm responsible for everything else. i don't encroach on his territory, he doesn't on mine unless I ask for help.

this works well because it's very defined. i don't know if this is something you can try - and gradually build up his list.i suspect you've tried it already..,

Tried all the suggestions here. None worked. Have now been apart from the messy, lazy entitled wankbadger for over a year.

I have a tidy home. With 4 dc. Two of whom have special needs. And are STILL capable of more housework than he was.

Best thing I ever did? Lose 15 stone of messy, entitled, wankbadgery behaviour by getting rid of the Ex-P!

I will NOT be anyone's bloody skivvy. I don't remember the part of the marriage vows that goes "I promise to love, honour, and do ALL the housework while you create morer mess for ME to worry about, and then get insulted when I can't manage to run around after a man-child like you".

Must have missed that part...