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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to feel that the mess is getting out of control thanks to DH?

155 replies

ILoatheMickeyMouseClubhouse · 11/10/2011 09:09

My DH has never been the tidiest person but things are getting out of hand now and I am really struggling to keep on top of all the washing, cooking, cleaning, tidying etc, with all the tidying up I have to do after DH.

For starters, he won't clean anything. Ever. He will just about put his plate in the dishwasher after a meal but that is it. If our youngest is in his highchair and DH gets him out, he won't clean the highchair. If I ask him why he hasn't cleaned it he just says "Well I didn't know it needed doing". He leaves cups, glasses, packets, boxes, paperwork, shoes, coats, bags, etc etc piled wherever he goes. The dining table gets piled up on a daily basis with his "stuff". I am expected to cook a meal every evening and dish it up for the kids and he wont' clear the table, so that's yet another thing I have to do on top of sorting 3 kids out.

He never puts any clothes away. Our bedroom floor is literally covered in his clothes, and I mean covered. I have long since given up putting his clothes away for him. I do do his washing and ironing but am debating giving up doing that as he literally takes it upstairs, dumps it on the bedroom floor and he just kicks is around the floor with the rest of his clothes and occasionally gets a big armful of stuff and puts it in the wash basket for me to wash, dirty or clean.

I feel like I never sit down during the day and don't stop tidying yet even in an hour each morning before he leaves for work he manages to make the place filthy and untidy. this morning the house is awful, stuff of his everywhere. I need to do a lot of cleaning again today but it's going to take me at least an hour to tidy all his stuff first. It doesn't help that our toddler is into everything and is quite hard work. I just feel that I am left to do everything, and that he doesn't think, or consider me at all. He was off work yesterday and spent the day dozing or at the computer, whilst I ran around doing everything.

Oh and he regularly calls me lazy, yet if he stopped being messy and helped out a bit in the house it would be a lot better. I am so annoyed.

OP posts:
AnyPhantomFucker · 11/10/2011 22:29

I wonder why jade is now accusing the OP of overstating her case

don't you believe her, jade ?

rhondajean · 11/10/2011 22:33

There is a difference between being responsible for the house work and having to clear up after everyone else.

My DDs are a bit older but I expect them and DH to tidy their things away (doesnt always work like that, and Im messy too, I admit it) so that when i clean I have clear furniture and floors to do it on. I also expect DH to do his share which he somehow manages to do with a bit of guidance as to what needs done when, despite working full time, sometimes working a second job, training at the gym 5 or 6 days a week and being in the final year of a degree course. And looking after the children when needed for me working/doing stuff.

DDs tidy up their own room and DD1 hoovers and dusts their room and wipes round their bathroom, does the dishes and recycling.

This split is because we are both working and doing other studying etc and I realise it wont work that way for everyone, and small children cant do as much. But everyone can pick up what they leave behind them ffs! so that whoever does clean can get in to do the cleaning.

jade80 · 11/10/2011 22:41

No, no no, Af! Not saying i don't believe her at all!

But she sounds pretty stressed out and I know I have a habit of overstating things when I'm that way!

Just raising the possibility that the other side of the story might be different. Or equally might not be, in which case do what Fabbychic suggested!

tallwivghoulies · 11/10/2011 23:49

Has anyone? I mean, done what Fabbychic suggested...

Fabby, I'm enjoying your posts recently Smile

jade80 · 11/10/2011 23:53

Would love to see the post about it if someone did!

AnyPhantomFucker · 11/10/2011 23:58

Who could be arsed ?

Just put him out like the territory-marking dog he is...

wineandroses · 12/10/2011 00:06

Haven't you posted before about your DH and his mess? But I seem to recall there was more to it then - like if you piled up his stuff he emptied out your drawers of ironed clothes on the floor; something along the lines of him being a nasty control-freak? I think I answered that one but then the Op disappeared so I thought it wasn't real. Was that you? If so, why are you reposting when you got so many good replies last time? If it wasn't you then I apologise for mistaking you for another poster.

Minx179 · 12/10/2011 00:26

I would and did

tell him to do his own washing and ironing. Then any clothes you have to pick up dirty or clean, throw down on his side of the bed.

Paperwork left lying around pile it up on the dining table, then when you have to set the table place his plate on top and cutlery to either side. If that doesn't work throw it in with his clothes.

Tell him he can cook weekends/days off, if he doesn't know how, he will have to learn, don't help him, if he can read he can learn how to cook.

tallwivghoulies · 12/10/2011 01:58

wine I remember that Sad

OP if that's you i think you must be pretty low by now. If it's nor you, then it won't be long probably, lets face it Sad

tallwivghoulies · 12/10/2011 01:59

not. do'h.

dreamingbohemian · 12/10/2011 08:43

OP, I'm sorry, but this man does not love you.

If he really loved you, he would not treat you like this -- it's that simple.

You could try going on strike, all the other suggestions here, but then again, why lower yourself to that level? You are a grown woman, a mother, you should not have to play games with your partner like that.

Only you can weigh up the pros and cons of staying or leaving. But there would have to be some really, really big pros to make me stay with someone like this.

OhdearNigel · 12/10/2011 09:19

I sympathise with you OP. My DH is a terror for mess; every time I get the house looking really smart and clean he starts another scheme which ends up with mess from one end to another.
The house looked lovely last week, yesterday on his day off he decided that what he really wanted to do was "have a spring clean" and move some stuff from the dining area into the empty shelves in DD's cupboard. Now the house has gone from looking lovely to looking like War of the Worlds. It makes me want to cry. I ahve lots to do this week and now I am going to have to tidy up all this shite before I can get on with anything

marcopront · 12/10/2011 13:29

I agree with Jade80, it does depend on what they agreed would happen if she was a SAHM. His attitude is bad but maybe he thinks part of the agreement they have is that she will do everything.
A conversation with him about who is responsible for what would be the way forward.

Original poster
ILoatheMickeyMouseClubhouse · 12/10/2011 13:33

To clarify; it was never the plan that I would be a stay at home skivvy. The idea of me being at home was to look after the children. I am happy to do the majority of the housework, washing, cooking etc, but never agreed to pick things up off the floor that another grown adult had dropped and left there. I sometimes feel disappointed in my life because it was never my intention to be a cleaner or a skivvy but that's what I've become.

OP posts:
AnyPhantomFucker · 12/10/2011 13:37

ODN, I am sorry to state the bleedin' obvious, but why don't you get your H to tidy up his own mess ? Confused

AnyPhantomFucker · 12/10/2011 13:39

so how are you going to sort it out, OP ?

I wouldn't recommend just having a little moan on here, and then going back to the status quo

WhereYouLeftIt · 12/10/2011 14:02

"I agree with Jade80, it does depend on what they agreed would happen if she was a SAHM. His attitude is bad but maybe he thinks part of the agreement they have is that she will do everything."

Do people really make explicit agreements? We didn't. I just did what I had the time to do when he was at work, and we both pitched into whatever was left together.

And when you say she will do everything - well even if that was explicitly agreed which I'll bet money it wasn't "everything" means housework, not makework. He is deliberately creating work, meaning OP has less time to do the real work.

OP - this behaviour is so extreme, and by your own admission it is escalating. The mess. The calling you lazy. From your previous thread, he retaliated by putting loads of clothes by of mine that he'd got out of drawers and cupboards in a heap by my side of the bed. I would have to wonder - is he actually trying to get you to throw him out? And why would he be doing that?

TheControversialJessie · 12/10/2011 14:09

I remember MickeyMouse posting another thread a while back too, about the fall-out that resulted from her trying out a Stick-All-His-Junk-In-A-Box plan before.

It was a no-go, guys. The man is so selfish and unreasonable. Incredibly unreasonable, verging into cold-blooded controlling.

dreamingbohemian · 12/10/2011 14:14

Oh gosh, I remember that thread too. I believe the consensus was that the guy was an abusive asshole and needed to be kicked to the curb.

OP, I'm really sorry, but I think you should stop focusing on the mess and start thinking about how to get out of this situation. You can't go on like this.

TheControversialJessie · 12/10/2011 14:17

My husband is messy. If it really bothered me, I could do the Stuff-in-a-Box plan. And it would work. Because he's not a selfish bastard.

I don't think Mickey is as lucky as me.

AnyPhantomFucker · 12/10/2011 14:18

I did say many posts back that it appeared that Op was frightened of his reaction were she to do the "dump his junk" thing

that would only work if the situation is a purely lazy man scenario

any abuse going on here, and OP puts herself in danger

like I said, put the territory-marking twat out like the dog he is

TheControversialJessie · 12/10/2011 14:21

I'm not surprised if she is.

He emptied out stuff from the bin over her side of the bed, because she moved his stuf. He made more of a mess to make a point, when she's running herself ragged to deal with his standard level of mess.

TheControversialJessie · 12/10/2011 14:23

Mickey, I'm talking about you as if you're not here. Sorry if I'm offending you.

Anyway. Your husband = bastard. Can you genuinely say you think he adds nice things to your life?

SusanneLinder · 12/10/2011 15:10

My husband is messy. He just doesn't have the same standards of cleanliness/tidiness as me. He isn't selfish, but sometimes it doesn't occur to him to tidy up. Saying that he does work 12 hour night shifts, and does have an chronic illness so he does get tired.

He isn't a complete slob, he does cook,he also deep cleans when he has the energy (better than me), and he gardens.

It just never occurs to him that there isn't a washing fairy and that stuff doesn't magic itself off the bedroom floor into the basket.Hmm

We solved it by getting a cleaner in now and again, or my money hungry 19 year old does it for extra cash (apart from her own chores)

solidgoldbrass · 12/10/2011 15:41

Men who make this much mess in the house are abusive. Not lazy, not just suffering from cock-blindness (ie possession of a cock means Cannot See Mess), but abusive. It's about harming the woman and degrading her, reducing her to servant status in order to feed their own inadequate egos.

Don't waste any more time or effort trying to get him to change, OP. Do as little housework as you need to get by, ignore his comments and devote all your energy to either leaving or getting him out of the house (ie CAB/lawyer, Women's Aid).

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