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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to feel that the mess is getting out of control thanks to DH?

155 replies

ILoatheMickeyMouseClubhouse · 11/10/2011 09:09

My DH has never been the tidiest person but things are getting out of hand now and I am really struggling to keep on top of all the washing, cooking, cleaning, tidying etc, with all the tidying up I have to do after DH.

For starters, he won't clean anything. Ever. He will just about put his plate in the dishwasher after a meal but that is it. If our youngest is in his highchair and DH gets him out, he won't clean the highchair. If I ask him why he hasn't cleaned it he just says "Well I didn't know it needed doing". He leaves cups, glasses, packets, boxes, paperwork, shoes, coats, bags, etc etc piled wherever he goes. The dining table gets piled up on a daily basis with his "stuff". I am expected to cook a meal every evening and dish it up for the kids and he wont' clear the table, so that's yet another thing I have to do on top of sorting 3 kids out.

He never puts any clothes away. Our bedroom floor is literally covered in his clothes, and I mean covered. I have long since given up putting his clothes away for him. I do do his washing and ironing but am debating giving up doing that as he literally takes it upstairs, dumps it on the bedroom floor and he just kicks is around the floor with the rest of his clothes and occasionally gets a big armful of stuff and puts it in the wash basket for me to wash, dirty or clean.

I feel like I never sit down during the day and don't stop tidying yet even in an hour each morning before he leaves for work he manages to make the place filthy and untidy. this morning the house is awful, stuff of his everywhere. I need to do a lot of cleaning again today but it's going to take me at least an hour to tidy all his stuff first. It doesn't help that our toddler is into everything and is quite hard work. I just feel that I am left to do everything, and that he doesn't think, or consider me at all. He was off work yesterday and spent the day dozing or at the computer, whilst I ran around doing everything.

Oh and he regularly calls me lazy, yet if he stopped being messy and helped out a bit in the house it would be a lot better. I am so annoyed.

OP posts:
AnyPhantomFucker · 11/10/2011 19:21

well, he orders OP around and lords it over her, making her feel like shit

that's kinda useful (when you have an ego the size of Wales and a cock the size of a mushroom...)

for decent men who show respect for their partners, that's not so useful

whathappenedtom · 11/10/2011 19:56

Can't actually believe you wash and iron the twats clothes

RandomMess · 11/10/2011 20:05

I am the untidy one but it's all about compromise, I make an effort to curtail myself. When the pile of clothes on the chair gets too big I sort it out etc.

Your H sounds awful. How dare he call you lazy when he just dumps clothes and shoes on the kitchen floor - it's so dangerous, let alone lazy!

iFailedTheTuringTest · 11/10/2011 20:08

I echo the previous posters idea of just buffering off for a bit tbh.

If you want to be a bit cunning, spend the previous day tidying, take photos of the mess at its worst, and photos of it clean and tidy.

Next morning, get up and go out.

I'd leave a note to the effect that he is now under exam conditions; the house is tidy. You will expect that it remains that way. The kids need feeding and entertaining, food to be purchased.

If on your return, he has not kept the place clean and tidy, if he has resorted to takeaway, dumped the kids on a relative or gone over budget then he will have Failed the test, consequences to be decided.

Point being he will likely fail, and in doing so realise how hard you work and hopefully have a little more respect.If on the offchance he copes... Well then you know he can do it and is just being a Shit.

And have confidence to meet Any accusation of laziness with the word BULLSHIT

I have done the sahm, I have done a long hours outdoor manual job, and now I do a very comex technical job. Sahm is by far the hardest so don't fall for

iFailedTheTuringTest · 11/10/2011 20:11

Sorry pressed post too soon

Don't fall for any Crap about you having the easy job.

Stay strong. X

jade80 · 11/10/2011 20:20

He does sound like he's being a dick. There are definitely lots of things he could easily do that would make you feel a lot happier.

I do have to ask though, what did you originally agree with respect to you being a SAHM? As in, does he think the arrangement is that he works for money and you sort the house and children?

Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying his attitude is good, at all. But if you're a SAHM surely the house is your job to look after. Different couples have different arrangements- sharing jobs at the weekend but one doing everything during the week, others the SAHP does everything at home, others the working parents does lots in the evenings too. What was the deal with you?

balia · 11/10/2011 20:25

I can only see there are two options. You wouldn't let kids treat you like this, it is simply unacceptable. You can split and let him live in his own filth (until he meets the next doormat woman and tells her what a lazy bitch you were) or you can get a job. He obviously sees 'his job' as earning the money and 'your job' as everything else. If you're earning he can't use that argument. Plus when the selfish fucker leaves anywat because it is too much like hard work you have a way of supporting your kids.

This is NOT normal man stuff.

rhondajean · 11/10/2011 20:27

My DH tends to get stressed at the enormity of having the whole house needing things doing, so I will say to him - could you hoover today and change our bed? or, could you check that pile and put your things away? and he will happily do it. If he knows what needs to be done, he just gets on with it. I realise some people will say he should just know what needs done - but whether its upbringing or the way his brain is wired, he will know its a mess but not where to start to make it better.

Would yours help out if you gave him tasks to do?

iFailedTheTuringTest · 11/10/2011 20:38

Rhonda - that's interesting, mine is the same. He is a sahd, and I usually have to say, ' will you Hoover up today please' etc. He does shopping and laundry, bins out and car cleaning without being asked, but anything to do with cleaning the house, he seems to not know where to start.
It did annoy me, but I keep telling myself that obviously he just defers to me, and I am a natural leader in my dreams :)

dealer · 11/10/2011 21:00

I'm like that, really struggled with being a sahm. I could deal with the kids no probs, but massively struggled with the house, because I seem to be unable to prioritise loosely defined tasks.

That is however completely different to expecting someone else to do everything for you. It is also absolutely nothing to do with verbally abusing the person that you want to do it for you.

I was ashamed that I couldn't cope, but I did try and would never have called anyone else lazy, mainly because I considered myself lazy.

jade80 · 11/10/2011 21:05

Can someone explain to me why sorting out your average house and a couple of kids takes more than one person? Surely if you don't work it's not that difficult, unless you have loads of kids, a massive house or some sort of issue that stops you being able to do these things?

Yes I totally get that the OPs husband sounds massively unhelpful, so maybe I am missing the point. But surely the OP should be doing far more housework than her dh? Which seems to be the case. Yes some ground rules need sorting (i.e. not leaving shit on the floor and dining table) but OP, have you actually talked to him about division of jobs?

Dexifehatz · 11/10/2011 21:21

Pinkponcho-do you actually do anything?Hmm How many hours a week does your DH work?

tallwivghoulies · 11/10/2011 21:35

Repeat the wise words of SGB: "I am NOT a domestic appliance with a vagina attachment."

To that I would add: "Nor will my daughters be...and my sons will not be entitled nob-ends."

Robotindisguise · 11/10/2011 21:36

Jade - bear in mind she has one child of highchair age and a husband that scatters his stuff about like confetti

jade80 · 11/10/2011 21:40

Yeah, and plenty of people have a child that age plus a job plus a less than perfect husband. The husband needs pulling in line but lets be honest, looking after 2 or 3 kids plus a house, while not easy, does not require 2 people. The more he helps out, the better, obviously.

I just think if I worked full time and my dh was a SAHD I would expect him to do pretty much everything during the week.

Tallwiv- I would say the same if the OP was a SAHD talking about his wife, gender has nothing to do with it.

DooinMeCleanin · 11/10/2011 21:51

I can easily explain it, jade. The amount of mess just one person can make by not lifting a single finger to pick up after themselves is impressive.

I'm at work atm, when I left for work my front room was clear of clutter. I can guarentee that when I get home there will be shoes in the middle of the floor, a coat on the coffee table, a dirty cup and plate by the sofa, at least two empty lager cans accompanying the cup and plate. There will most likely be a few crisp packets strewn across the floor.

That's just the living room.

The op is not expecting her oh to come home after a full days work and start hoovering the whole house, just for him to pick up after himself and maybe do some dishes. It's not much to ask, imo.

AnyPhantomFucker · 11/10/2011 22:04

jade certainly my issue with this bloke is his attitude towards his wife and the fact he treats her like a skivvy, walking around his "manor" dropping stuff for the little woman he married to pick up after him

not about specific tasks/division of labour (although I agree he should be doing more)

I wouldn't let any man treat me like a domestic appliance...and that is what he is doing

he has this woman scared that she hasn't got the housework done because her little boy is ill

does that sound ok to you ?

stayathomegardener · 11/10/2011 22:05

I think the point is jade that the shoes left in the middle of the room or coat on a chair could just have easily been put away,and each thoughtless non action adds up to alot of crap.

Very easy to clean a tidy house,picking up takes far longer

jade80 · 11/10/2011 22:12

Ok, so move shoes, hang up coat, rinse cup and plate or put in dishwasher, bin cans and packets. 10 mins max? 5 probably.

So in your case, will you tidy up? If it was me, and we worked the same hours, I'd expect that we did it together or took turns. If he worked more than me, I'd probably do it more often. If I didn't work at all, I'd probably do it pretty much all of the time.

Yes I get that if that isn't their arrangement, she shouldn't be doing it. But the point here is, what is the arrangement? The OP hasn't made that clear. If the deal is she does house and children and he does work, then fine. If that isn't the deal then not fine!

And again I will repeat that my view would be exactly the same if the genders were switched before someone comes to beat me with a stick!

jade80 · 11/10/2011 22:14

Yeah I do agree with all the points above, dropping stuff at your heels is something people should growe out of, I'm just interested to know what the actual deal is!

Ireneiswaiting · 11/10/2011 22:14

Jade being a SAHP is hard enough with two small children and the house to take care of when each adult takes a certain amount of responsibility to keep it in order. This man is taking the piss and behaving like an entitled knob creating massive amounts of work for OP to tidy up and deal with on top of normal household tasks and then calling her lazy. This is not a matter of normal housework chores.

jade80 · 11/10/2011 22:16

I do wonder whether the best solution might be to have a chat with him about how much easier life would be if he put stuff in the right place rather than wherever he happened to be, plus having a massive clearout- if he owns less shit, then there is less to be left everywhere!

FabbyChic · 11/10/2011 22:18

Get a box and put all his stuff in hit, and just keep putting his stuff in it.

Give him dinner on paper plates.

Buy him paper cups, and only allow him to use those, when he parks it on the sofa give him a dustbin bag and tell him thats for his shit.

Embarass him infront of people about it, when he calls you lazy call him a scum bag who loves wallowing in shit.

Dont wash his clothes just throw them back on the floor, certainly don't iron anything.

This man has no respect for you at all.

Oh and don't cook for him give him a microwave dinner in the container it comes in with plastic knives and forks, tell him you have three children already you haven't so far as you know given birth to a fourth.

jade80 · 11/10/2011 22:19

Yes, I get that it is hard. I just wonder if everyone is getting a bit carried away when we only have one side of the story. The OP sounds very stressed out so may well be overstating things. E.g. he says he makes the house 'filthy' before leaving for work. There is a difference between mess and filth, no?

Him calling her lazy is not on though, clearly.

AnyPhantomFucker · 11/10/2011 22:27

jade, I think you are not really getting it

yes, a SAHP looks after house and kids along the lines of how their individual situation works

see that P ..it's for parent

no-one should be picking up after another grown up,,,he is making it harder for her by deliberatley making a mess

and yes, I get the impression he is doing it deliberately...just to keep reminding her what her place is

nobody constantly "forgets" to pick up their shit...unless they are getting a result from it