to feel that the mess is getting out of control thanks to DH?

[ILoatheMickeyMouseClubhouse]

My DH has never been the tidiest person but things are getting out of hand now and I am really struggling to keep on top of all the washing, cooking, cleaning, tidying etc, with all the tidying up I have to do after DH.

For starters, he won't clean anything. Ever. He will just about put his plate in the dishwasher after a meal but that is it. If our youngest is in his highchair and DH gets him out, he won't clean the highchair. If I ask him why he hasn't cleaned it he just says "Well I didn't know it needed doing". He leaves cups, glasses, packets, boxes, paperwork, shoes, coats, bags, etc etc piled wherever he goes. The dining table gets piled up on a daily basis with his "stuff". I am expected to cook a meal every evening and dish it up for the kids and he wont' clear the table, so that's yet another thing I have to do on top of sorting 3 kids out.

He never puts any clothes away. Our bedroom floor is literally covered in his clothes, and I mean covered. I have long since given up putting his clothes away for him. I do do his washing and ironing but am debating giving up doing that as he literally takes it upstairs, dumps it on the bedroom floor and he just kicks is around the floor with the rest of his clothes and occasionally gets a big armful of stuff and puts it in the wash basket for me to wash, dirty or clean.

I feel like I never sit down during the day and don't stop tidying yet even in an hour each morning before he leaves for work he manages to make the place filthy and untidy. this morning the house is awful, stuff of his everywhere. I need to do a lot of cleaning again today but it's going to take me at least an hour to tidy all his stuff first. It doesn't help that our toddler is into everything and is quite hard work. I just feel that I am left to do everything, and that he doesn't think, or consider me at all. He was off work yesterday and spent the day dozing or at the computer, whilst I ran around doing everything.

Oh and he regularly calls me lazy, yet if he stopped being messy and helped out a bit in the house it would be a lot better. I am so annoyed.

It's the refusing to do anything that gets to me too; he won't do any cleaning or tidying, no washing (unless it's his own stuff very very very occasionally), certainly no ironing, won't food shop as "he doesn't like it", won't order online as he's "too tired". I could go on and on

he sounds fucking horrible

My DH is very similar (not as bad, but similar) to yours. I just throw his shit in a box when I get fed up and then let him deal with it (particularly useful when he is looking for a "very important" document). Don't fold his laundry. Bung it in a laundry basket and put it in the corner of your room. Then he can bitch and moan when everything needs ironing because its a crumpled mess. He will soon learn.

Im sorry iloathe but it doesnt sound like a very good marriage to me. YOU do everything, you cook, clean, tidy, and generally be the skivvy.

HOw long have you been married? How many children/age do you have?

What exactly does your husband bring to your lives? Apart from filth and mess?

Hire a weekly cleaner to do the cleaning and put laundry away and make him pay for it (takes a huge load off, believe me!).

You get a huge box downstairs and dump all his stuff in it, do the same upstairs.

Bin bags or large plastic boxes are the way forward. My DH is very untidy but I can throw all his stuff in a box and tuck it under his desk each morning so it doesn't bother me. He used to leave clean and dirty clothes on the bedroom floor, so now I have another box which I pile all his clothes into and stick that under the bed. He is now learning that if he wants something washing then it needs to go into the laundry basket!

Now if only I could get the same system to work with DS1!

He sounds like a tosser. No way would I put up with all of that.

I'm with the suggestion of bagging/boxing all his mess for him to sort out.

If you've tried it before and he called you lazy, why didn't you tell him it was his stuff and he's the lazy one? Good grief - get some backbone.

You don't go on an all out strike - you just stop doing thing for him - that way the dc's don't suffer for it. If he calls you lazy again fire it back at him or tell him he is welcome to leave.

Did his mum wait hand and foot on him?
I ask because my dh never lifted a finger at home but when we moved in together he got his act together because he took pride in realising this was his 'home'. And when a child comes along you are a Team.

Do what you have to do but leave his laundry alone.

The trouble with putting dishes in a bin bag is that that leaves the family without anything to eat off, too, so it is not fair.

I still think making him go away and then let him see how easily you control things without him is a better plan. It removes the mess and removes justification for his "lazy" projection (which is itself lazy and downright nasty).

How old are your children? Your youngest is in a high chair, but are the others old enough to be upset about living in confusion, school clothes and schoolwork going missing, etc.? When your H spends his time away, your children have to be on board, which you can do by declaring a cleaning day, and spending a lot more time doing fun things with them afterwards, things you never had time to do while you were running around after the chaos that is your H. They will soon see which parent their interest lies with!

You are enabling him to behave this way. Why don't you just tell him to fuck the fuck off? (favourite phrase of the mo.)

Or withdraw sex until he behaves, seeing as he works in stereotypes.

"You woman, you clean. I call you lazy. You Fat!"

I get really upset when he calls me lazy, and he then turns it round and says "I cannot believe I'm hearing all of this, is this for real?! You can't cope with any criticism at all can you?"

You poor thing

Have you explained to him in very simple terms that this makes you feel unloved and unvalued and that you imagine a better life without him? Or does it always degenerate into an argument before you get there?

If he loves you, he would make an effort to lighten your load around the house. Perhaps he hasn't linked the two [hopeful]

And yep, totally agree I've been enabling his behaviour so far. It's got to change

Perhaps if he doesn't see this as a partnership or value your work at home, it's time to get a job and outsource the house stuff. SAHM roles only work when everyone's on board. Him calling you lazy sounds like he hasn't got a clue about the value you add to the family.

Thanks for the replies BTW everyone

You DO sound frightened of him and his reactions!

My DH never, ever puts anything away, ever. He's not particularly slovenly but he just doesn't 'do' tidying up. I don't make an issue about it - he is knackered after work and doesn't get back until late. I'd rather he did stuff with the kids in the evening than tidied up.

HOWEVER

I expect him to do all the cooking and shopping at the weekend. And he does. If we have people round he'll hoover, clean and cook, and stack the dishwasher afterwards. So the resentment is kept at bay.

Personally I'd take some time to sit down and discuss this issue calmly with your dh. Explain it's making you miserable. Ask what you both could do to stop the mess building up in the house. Maybe make some basic rules - surfaces have to be clear at the end of the day, no matter how late it is or how tired you are. Clothes in laundry basket.

If he won't co-operate or is rude, get some strong bin bags, put his name on them and start sweeping his stuff into it at the end of the day. Don't put anything back. Leave the bags outside the back door. If he brings them in then take them back out again the minute his back is turned.

Actually I'm thinking of doing this with my dcs!

You stole my DH? You can keep him if you like.

I do clean up after mine. Shouting and tantrumming ensues if I don't. All the shouting is making me ill. Attempting to keep on top of the cleaning, whilst looking after the dc and the pets single handedly is not good for my health either, but it's not as bad as the screaming. I start feeling physically sick in the run up to every weekend, because I dread them that much. I now work almost every week night in an attempt to not have to see him often.

Having tried hundreds of ways to solve this I can tell you throwing a monumental tantrum of your own will help for a few weeks. It's the only thing that will help and it won't last. It needs to be a big tantrum too. It's best if the dc are out of the house for this.

I don't think DH means to leave everything to me. Infact if you ask him he'll tell you I am lazy and he does far more than me. He's very hard done by . He is just that used to having someone his mum run around after him all his life, he can't see any other way of lliving. He can't see what needs doing and can't understand why he can't just 'do it later'. He would need constant reminders and nagging, which leads to more shouting as in "Stop fucking nagging I've said I'll do it after x, y and z haven't I? Why are you being such a bitch?". As I said I can't cope with the shouting anymore.

I am now biding my time to leave as it's the only way anything is ever going to change and I cannot live the rest of my life caring for a giant toddler. That's the choice you have Op. Realise this man does not respect you and will never help you and start making plans to leave or stop whining about him and get on with caring for him for the rest of his life. Sorry, but it is. A man who speaks to you like yours does and like mine does, is not going to suddenly wake up one day and give you the respect you deserve.

Jesus - ladies listen....you do not have to tolerate picking up after big, lazy, selfish, sexist, babies!
Don't put up with it!
What you describe about them refusing to lift a finger, but critisising YOU when things are not done to their specific liking is fucking crazy!

Personally speaking that would be a total deal breaker. I have no room in my life for a wanker like that.

My H was always like this. Like you I did everything, for years, then I got sick of it, like you.

I did a 3 pronged approach - one pointing out the dangers of leaving cups, glasses, irons, ironing boards etc around when little fingers can get shopped off etc. I also employed a friend as a cleaner, best £30 a week ever. I then pointed out that, if we had just spent money getting someone to clean, we ought to at least keep it tidy for a few days. The day before she comes, I point out that she can't hoover round clothes, they need picking up and putting away, thank you very much.

I also said, several times very loudly 'if you don't put x away / tidy X up, it will go in the bin' and when nothing happened, it did go in the bin. Cue massive row about not respecting property .

Now, I'm not saying I live in a show home these days, but I am saying that I can now walk around on the floor, most of the time.

There are areas where it's a nightmare - the garage, is his department and I refuse to go in there so the mess is up to him - and the paperwork i hate doing and he nevers opens a letter so i have to - this pisses me right off on a daily basis - however, generalyl speaknig it's not so bad.

Good luck, but don't put up with it.

I would suggest a box on his side of the bed for clean clothes - if dirty clothes don't make it into the washing basket they don't get washed. Put clean clothes (not ironed) in the clean box for him to put away - if he treats his clothes as he does he won't notice that they're not ironed anyway. If he leaves his clean clothes to pile up that's his issue.

Rest of the house, also second the box option - simply pick everything up and put in the box. I wouldn't do plates though.

Does he help at all with the children?

What would happen if you went away and left them with him for a few days? No preparation. No instructions. And what would the house be like when you got back - and would you feel able to comment about its state when you returned?

I started hiding my DH's shoes (one in each wardrobe etc) so he could never find them when he wanted them. When he asked if I knew where they were I'd just ask where he left them. He thought he was going mad for a while but when he eventually realised it was me doing it, we had a good laugh and he has almost completely stopped leaving them out on the bedroom/landing/insertnameofrandomroom floor. I think I might be an emotional abuser. I just got sick of nagging.

[Passive aggressive emoticon]

DMC...I hope it isn't too long before you show your husband that someone who doesn't respect their partner doesn't deserve a partner