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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to feel that the mess is getting out of control thanks to DH?

155 replies

ILoatheMickeyMouseClubhouse · 11/10/2011 09:09

My DH has never been the tidiest person but things are getting out of hand now and I am really struggling to keep on top of all the washing, cooking, cleaning, tidying etc, with all the tidying up I have to do after DH.

For starters, he won't clean anything. Ever. He will just about put his plate in the dishwasher after a meal but that is it. If our youngest is in his highchair and DH gets him out, he won't clean the highchair. If I ask him why he hasn't cleaned it he just says "Well I didn't know it needed doing". He leaves cups, glasses, packets, boxes, paperwork, shoes, coats, bags, etc etc piled wherever he goes. The dining table gets piled up on a daily basis with his "stuff". I am expected to cook a meal every evening and dish it up for the kids and he wont' clear the table, so that's yet another thing I have to do on top of sorting 3 kids out.

He never puts any clothes away. Our bedroom floor is literally covered in his clothes, and I mean covered. I have long since given up putting his clothes away for him. I do do his washing and ironing but am debating giving up doing that as he literally takes it upstairs, dumps it on the bedroom floor and he just kicks is around the floor with the rest of his clothes and occasionally gets a big armful of stuff and puts it in the wash basket for me to wash, dirty or clean.

I feel like I never sit down during the day and don't stop tidying yet even in an hour each morning before he leaves for work he manages to make the place filthy and untidy. this morning the house is awful, stuff of his everywhere. I need to do a lot of cleaning again today but it's going to take me at least an hour to tidy all his stuff first. It doesn't help that our toddler is into everything and is quite hard work. I just feel that I am left to do everything, and that he doesn't think, or consider me at all. He was off work yesterday and spent the day dozing or at the computer, whilst I ran around doing everything.

Oh and he regularly calls me lazy, yet if he stopped being messy and helped out a bit in the house it would be a lot better. I am so annoyed.

OP posts:
Booooooyhoo · 11/10/2011 10:13

ok so striking didn't work.

what you need to do is work out what his contribution to the mess is daily. so washing on his bedroom floor, his paperwork on the table, shoes kicked off wherever he fancies etc and you (because he clearly doesn't care) need to decide on a 'home' for each of these things he leaves lying about. so the washing is easy, clean goes in his wardrobe and dirty in the basket, paperwork you could get a tray for his paperwork, a basket for his shoes and whatever else he leaves around. create a definite place for everything and then tell him exactly where everything is to go from this day forward. and then tell him that from this day forward, anything that you see that isn't in it's correct place will be binned immediately, regardless of how important it is. if he wants the item back he can go fish in the bin for it. and follow through with it. throw everything in the bin like you would with a child because he is behaving like a child and he needs to learn to look after his own stuff and that the house is to be used by all of you but you cant do that with his stuff everywhere.

AnyPhantomFucker · 11/10/2011 10:15

I think OP is too frightened to do that

She sounds cowed by him

There is more to this than some mess in the house Sad

pozzled · 11/10/2011 10:17

OP, you can't let this carry on. I agree with those who have suggested bin bags, just keep piling his stuff up and leaving it for him to sort out.

Prepare yourself for the 'discussion' when he gets fed up of this- if he calls you lazy, present a list of all the things that you do for the family, including paid work, child care and housework. Try to come up with a rough number of 'hours worked'. Compare this with what he does (actually this is a good thing to do for yourself anyway as it will help you to see how much you're enabling him). And remind him that he is an adult, you are in a partnership and you are NOT responsible for cleaning up after him.

GypsyMoth · 11/10/2011 10:19

Good grief!! This thread leaves me Shock at how much you all do for these men!

You do know your dc are all watching, learning and taking it all in don't you? This make role model is a model for your dons and your daughters will expect this behaviour from future partners, and worse, they will PUT UP WITH it because YOU do!!!

I sincerely hope my own dc don't end up partnering any of yours!

GypsyMoth · 11/10/2011 10:20

*male not make!

BsshBossh · 11/10/2011 10:23

I'm also shocked at what some of the women on here put up with. Neither they nor their husbands are being very good role models for their children.

Totally shocked!

LaurieFairyCake · 11/10/2011 10:24

You don't get to decide how tidy the house has to be - you have to come to an agreement.

If he is actually happy to have his stuff all around the floor then he can - on his side of the bed - kick it over there.

Agree that you can put all paperwork and bits lying around into bin bags.

Not dishes though, you will need to take them downstairs unless you can get him to agree to do it.

At some point you will have to decide whether you are compatible at living together - I'm not sure you are.

LaurieFairyCake · 11/10/2011 10:26

And if he calls you lazy there is no point in trying to change his mind - you need to believe for yourself that you aren't lazy and not take his opinion on board.

If dh says something I don't agree with (about me) I say "I don't think that's true about me and I'm not taking your opinion about me on board".

Cold, calm, factual.

Deux · 11/10/2011 10:41

I think it might be an idea to try the bin bags again and be prepared for the argument that follows but don't rise to it and try to stay calm. Just keep explaining to him calmly why you've done it and how it affects you. He will kick off in the hope of getting you to stop doing it so that he doesn't have to change.

An in-tray type box for the paperwork. If he asks you why you've put his stuff there, just tell him calmly that the DCs were eating spag bol at the dining table and you didn't want his stuff to get ruined by sauce .

Re the dishes. Go to the 99p shop and buy paper plates and plastic forks and serve his up on these so they can go straight in the bin.

When my DH and I were newly married and DS was a toddler, it was my DH's job to tidy up after Sunday lunch which I'd cooked. A pattern emerged where he would always say that he would 'tidy up later' thus rendering the kitchen unuseable until said tidying up done.

One Sunday, I just had enough of this so I threw all the plates, cutlery, pans and roasting tin in the kitchen bin. DH went mad and was spluttering about how he couldn't believe I'd done that and those were out good dishes etc, etc. I said I didn't care and from now on it was paper plates as I was sick fed-up of him saying he'd tidy up and not doing it in a timely fashion. Grin

I was really calm about the whole thing and I think tbh that unnerved him more that anything. It did work and he always tidies up straight away now.

When he calls you lazy, he's actually talking about himself.

By appeasing him and giving in then you are actually teaching him how to treat you and that it's OK. It's hard I know so maybe start with just one area first.

PinkPoncho · 11/10/2011 10:41

I'm also really shocked at this thread. To put it in perspective, (and not trying to boast but just thought mine was normal) my dp does the following on a daily basis (I am a sahm, he works full time, we have 2 ds)

Makes the breakfast, clears up, one of us puts a wash on (whoever gets there first really) Gets ds1 dressed, takes to school. Cleans/tidies at lunchtimes, makes me coffee (works from home)

Cooks at weekends, whereas I mainly do it in the week. Either baths the boys or clears up the tea things, gets the boys pjs ready and reads one to sleep.

Hoovers, hangs the washing..always cleans up after himself and often me! Blush

I'm starting to realise maybe I'm a bit of a slobby sahm!

Original poster
ILoatheMickeyMouseClubhouse · 11/10/2011 13:22

Thanks everyone, sorry to hear that some are in the same boat as me. It's so hard to put up with isn't it? :(

Well the house is going to remain a total and utter tip today; my youngest has developed a temperature and isn't feeling well so the housework and washing will have to wait. Today some of the things just left lying around are: a tracksuit top on the kitchen floor, 2 pairs of trainers left in the middle of the kitchen floor, "stuff" all over the table, as well as the total mess in our room on the floor of his clothes.

OP posts:
Booooooyhoo · 11/10/2011 14:51

oh sorry to hear about your youngest.

WRT today's stuff lying around, bag it and put it on his side of the bed for him coming home later.

I'll be honest, this line "my youngest has developed a temperature and isn't feeling well so the housework and washing will have to wait." really upset me. in a respectful family dynamic, you wouldn't even be worrying about the housework not being done because, eitherr your partner wouldn't expect you to with a sick child or they would come home and expect to without resentment to pick up the slack in the evening. well that's IMO anyway. so sorry you are dealing with this. i do think you need to face up to it, either accept it as it is or make the changes happen.

GrendelsMum · 11/10/2011 15:00

anyone else thinking that if he's so inconsiderate and lazy the rest of the time, this man must be really shit in bed? You can just imagine it, can't you?

mrstimlovejoy · 11/10/2011 15:01

does he have a car if so do what a friend of mine did
get a big box or bin bags ,put all the stuff thats scattered around in,then when he's not around [maybe asleep] open his car/boot and scatter all his stuff in his car.worked for my friend infact he's now more tidier than her.

anonacfr · 11/10/2011 15:03

Why are you still doing his washing/ironing? He dumps it on the floor anyway so what's the point?
Why don't you just look after your children's food/mess, dump all his stuff in a corner somewhere and let him handle it himself? When he has no clean underwear/socks left he'll have to do something about it. And hopefully realise you're not his maid.

Booooooyhoo · 11/10/2011 15:10

mrstimlovejoy i think that is a good idea. sadly i wouldn't put it past this man to move his stuff from his own side of the bed onto OP's so putting it in his car sounds like it might have more of an effect.

Chandon · 11/10/2011 15:22

hello,

Just wondering if he has ever properly lived on his own before moving in with you? Or did he come straight from mum/other girlfriend????

Men who never had to look after themselves properly don't appreciate it if someone else does it IYSWIM.

Also, what was the arrangement BEFORE you had kids? Has this current arrangement always been thus, or did it creep up on you?

the mess needs to be sorted as it's hard for you to live in. Mess= stress. Coudl you afford a cleaner from your joint account?

mrskeithlemon · 11/10/2011 15:25

op do you work?

Original poster
ILoatheMickeyMouseClubhouse · 11/10/2011 16:05

Chandon, no he's never lived alone as such. I already had one child before we met and he was a lot tidier and took less advantage in those days, he's steadily got worse and worse over the years.

mrskeithlemon, no I don't work, I'm a SAHM.

Booooooyhoo, I have to admit I do feel a bit on edge that I haven't been able to get much housework done today. Not because he'll do anything scary or anything like that, he's not violent, but because I know that deep down he will think I'm lazy. My toddler has been napping on me and wanting to be cuddled all day and he has a high temperature. I had to get my mum to pick up my older children from school as I couldn't take the toddler out and now my mum has the hump with me too. I can't do wrong for doing right at times.

OP posts:
pugmill · 11/10/2011 16:14

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Booooooyhoo · 11/10/2011 16:20

Iloathe your husband isn't your boss. you dont have to justify to him why you haven't gotten as much done today as yesterday. even if your DS wasn't sick, it's up to you if you dont do as much, even if you just fancy a lazy day. you aren't a servant there to maintain his home! you are a SAHParent!! that means you are there to parent, and with a sick child that's all your should be doing. a parent who cares for his child should hope that you were caring for his child when sick rather than fretting about housework. he doesn't sound like a very nice person IMO

whobuilttheark · 11/10/2011 16:36

Thank god, a thread I can show the husband and say 'no it is not normal or ok for you to do nothing in the house!' Put that in your pipe and smoke it! Angry

PontyMython · 11/10/2011 16:42

He is a horrible man. I'd be slinging his stuff out of the window (in bin bags if feeling charitable)

Why not treat him like a child - "if you do not sort it out by xxxxx it will be thrown away"

I agree with AF (sorry, APF) as usual, sounds like he's a lot worse than just lazy

ImperialBlether · 11/10/2011 16:43

OP, he is completely disrespectful.

For those who say she should dump his things on his pillow or on his side of the bed, she has to live in that bedroom too! And given what he sounds like, he'll only shove them into her side of the room/bed.

He accepts no responsibility for what he's doing.

I wouldn't bother going on strike again. Why should you all suffer? I would tell him that if he continues, then he will have to leave. Say it and mean it.

If he continues, tell him to go. It will be lovely living without him, believe me.

Nanny0gg · 11/10/2011 19:05

What exactly does he do in this 'partnership'?

And I do hope the answer isn't just 'earns the money'...