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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to want to smash the laptop over his head? I'm so angry!!!

348 replies

NewShooz · 09/10/2011 12:11

DH popped out to the shops this morning and left his facebook page open on his messages page. I noticed there was a conversation on there between him and a girl he used to work with, in which they had both put 'love and miss you xxx' to each other at the bottom.

So, yes you've guessed it, Me being the idiot I am decided to read the whole conversation and wish I bloody hadn't! I have NEVER checked his emails or phone before by the way, I completely trusted him and had no reason or interest enough to do it.

Anyway, he was basically coming on to her, asking to see pictures of her boobs, saying that he would go up and spend the night with her but 'don't tell newshooz lol' And also said he wasn't getting enough sex from me.

AIBU to be so angry and upset by this? We ended up having a row, well more like me shouting at him, and he said nothing has happened and that he was just messing about but he can understand why it looks bad. He's now gone out and I'm sat here wandering wtf has just happened!!!

OP posts:
stepawayfromtheecclescakes · 09/10/2011 20:58

I recommend getting lost in the world of Downton

sand12 · 09/10/2011 21:04

New I thought exactly the same about my ex he was a really nice person he loved me protected me and I couldn't of been more wrong I'm sorry but I'm not saying urs is the same as my ex but please keep your wits about you don't tell him 2 much of what ur doing ie checking him out as u are also warning him and giving him time to delete things or make excuses which you will want 2 believe!!

Please do check him out if u can afford a private detective do it, if you have any money in your accounts withdraw it move it at the end of the day you need 2 put ur lil 1 1st enjoy ur wine 2nite if u need 2 talk private message me & i'll give u my No.

AnyCorpseFucker · 09/10/2011 21:06

NS, you sound lovely and I hope you work it out

But make sure you never tolerate this, yes ?

It is intolerable. Fullstop.

runningwilde · 09/10/2011 21:10

I'm sorry this is happening shooz - he has been so so disrespectful to you. How can he treat you like that and put you down to a stupid slag? Ask him - ask him why he was so disrespectful to you. Make sure he knows how stupid and disrespectful he has been.

runningwilde · 09/10/2011 21:12

Anyfucker - I don't know ya but I like ya... Grin

I'm really curious though - what do you look like?!

AnyCorpseFucker · 09/10/2011 21:13

RW..I don't agree with calling other women "slag"

the bloke here takes the flak...all of it

this woman may be naive...but nobody deserves the term "slag" without a lot more evidence than this (if ever...)

stepawayfromtheecclescakes · 09/10/2011 21:15

hear hear ACF

OchAyeTheNooPal · 09/10/2011 21:38

Newshooz, just read through this thread and I hope you get the answers you need.

You sound like a nice person so keep strong and give him pelters for doing this to you.

Original poster
NewShooz · 09/10/2011 22:48

I just text him for the password and username for the work email and had a peek. They have emailed back and forth up until the 4th October. Mainly talking about work, always with the xx on the end. DH did say again to her that he 'might have to come up and see her'

I just really don't know what to think now. We ended up having a text row about it. he keeps saying 'it's only chat'. But the other thing is, from what I have read, apparently she is coming back in December. I don't think I can handle them working together again. It's bad enough all these stupid emails between them. wtf do I do now???? Please help someone.

OP posts:
stepawayfromtheecclescakes · 09/10/2011 22:51

bugger, but hey if there was nothing incriminating in the e-mails other that that is this not good news? it is only chat. what was the context of the I might have to come up to see you and what is the tone of her responses?

Xales · 09/10/2011 22:55

It is not only chat. He was connecting to another woman by complaining about you and your sex life (or imagined lack of it). That is rude and disrespectful towards you and he is now down playing it.

I think this would have gone further if she had come back and you didn't discover this messaging Sad

I suggest you try and go and get some sleep and deal with it in the morning.

Original poster
NewShooz · 09/10/2011 22:55

He just said that work was shit (she obviously knows where he's coming from seeing as she worked there) and that he 'needed a blow out, might have to come up and see ya' She just answered his moans about work, not about the visiting.

There's no evidence of anything going on between them but it still is making me ball my eyes out at the moment Sad because of the whole situation.

OP posts:
stepawayfromtheecclescakes · 09/10/2011 22:59

I think its possible to overthink, you have no evidence at the moment of anything other than his being an arse and being disrespectful, think its good advice to try and calm down a bit and try to sleep, you will feel more able to deal with it in the morning, however if you know sleep is not an option yet, keep posting

AnyCorpseFucker · 09/10/2011 23:04

RW why are you asking what I look like, you weirdo ? Confused

NS, I think her responses are reassuring in that she is clearly not reciprocating, so your issue is not with her

him though ? he sounds like a fucking embarassing knob

I couldn't bear to look at him, atm

I think if she is coming back to work at his place, you need to get the boundaries drawn very clearly right now where he is concerned

if only to prevent this twat humiliating you any further with his pathetic sniffing around...this girl sounds like she is ok, tbh...but he is not

Original poster
NewShooz · 09/10/2011 23:05

Thanks stepaway I'm in bits at the moment. I basically lost it AGAIN with him when we were texting and told him that's it over. He said he was really upset and that I was breaking his heart, and he couldn't believe I wanted to throw it all away over some stupid chat.

I'm just torn between wanting him to come round now and give me a massive hug and wanting to punch him one in the face. I sort of feel when you put it down on paper that it's stupid to end a 10 year marriage over this, but it just hurts so much.

Maybe as many people have said I need to calm down and then think it over afterwards. When I am sober and maybe have had some sleep.

OP posts:
Original poster
NewShooz · 09/10/2011 23:09

I think that's what is making me even more angry anycorpse, the fact that he is coming accross as a fucking desperate twat.

fgs he is married, he has declared his undyling love for me many times during rows today, so why is being like this with her? He even admitted that he doesn't fancy her at all, and I have seen her, and without being rude, I'm no goddess but I'm not threatened by her looks. So why does he want to give her the impression that he wants to get in her knickers?

He really needs to grow up.

Arghhhhhhhh idiot!!!!!!!!!

OP posts:
QuintessentialDead · 09/10/2011 23:12

Love, it is not you throwing your relationship away, it is him. Dont ever forget that vital part. It is not you who is asking to see another mans cock and telling him you have to come and see him....

I am really angry on your behalf. It is terrible behaviour.

stepawayfromtheecclescakes · 09/10/2011 23:12

I think that's best, he has definately been a knob, make him suffer and as ACF says when the initial anger goes a bit and you have beaten the truth out of him set the boundaries very very firmly. you cannot possibly make decisions about your relationship yet, you are too angry and upset and he is still in the panic mode of being caught out and denying he has done wrong. when you are calm enough to sit with him and have a good discussion about it all and get the whole truth without losing it and thumping him... then is the time to think about what comes next. right now just be angry and see him in a day or two.

AnyCorpseFucker · 09/10/2011 23:13

I dunno why he is doing this, NS....why do some people try to sabotage all that is good in their life ??

only he can answer that question

and tbh, unless he is prepared to look deelply into the reasons why, I fear he would do it again

he is a juvenile twat and needs to grow the fuck up

any hint of blaming you for this and I recommend you tell him not to come back

stepawayfromtheecclescakes · 09/10/2011 23:18

again absolutely not an excuse, just offering alternatives to the hang him flog him and ditch him scenario, how old is dc? there is something to be said for feeling a bit marginalised when you have young kids and feeling like life is all about them, sometimes people seek a bit of a thrill elsewhere just to prove they still have the ability to pull IYSWIM loads of my girly mates flirt outrageously on nights out but would never shag anyone else, they say they just like the feeling of someone still fancying them. as I said its not an excuse, just a possible reason, still think hes a knob though.

scottishmummy · 09/10/2011 23:27

eat well, try sleep and no hasty knee jerk reactions
do make him meet you face to face,taking time off work if necessary.this wont be resolved by ta ext

you need all the info, a totally honest précis of what has gone on and why
from that try weigh up choices,and determine what you think you want

now is not time for yo go sista... kick im to kerb rhetoric

gather what support you can and treat yourself well.you've not done anything wrong.at all

runningwilde · 09/10/2011 23:27

AF - dunno, just curious! Grin

With the slag comment - I dunno, I see what you are saying, it just popped in to my head really - let's call her - the woman he is texting something else then - the cow?!

NS - I hope you find some answers
He has been so disrespectful - ask him why? Why has he spoken about you like this? Why did he ask for boob pics? You need to know why and if anything (cheating, although this is cheating too) has happened.

Original poster
NewShooz · 09/10/2011 23:29

Yes I think I really do need time to calm down about this. I can't stop crying at the moment. And then, because I love him amd miss him so much I question if I am over reacting over it all.

He's 34 Stepaway.

But if we get over this how the hell do I cope when she comes back to work with him in December? I'm never going to trust him with her am I? To be honest, from what I have read she is taking it all in jest, and not taking him up on his offer to 'go visit' even though there is no way he could go. I just wish I had her relaxed attitude to it all instead of being absolutely fuming that he is making a total fool out himself. and me.

OP posts:
AnyCorpseFucker · 09/10/2011 23:30

RW, the one in the wrong here is the bloke

the woman being texted here is just as likely to be mortified by this married father making a complete tool of himself but too polite to say so

Original poster
NewShooz · 09/10/2011 23:32

Running, he has assured me has hasn't cheated, and I do believe him. Obviously I think this is very disloyal and a kind of emotional cheating, but I'm sure nothing physical has gone on.

I keep asking why, and he said it was just a joke, and he was just messing/chatting. He has never chatted to another female like this before though!

OP posts:
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