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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

boys with long hair

382 replies

violet79 · 08/10/2011 15:27

My children have recently started a new school. When picking the school we met with the headteacher and looked around the school and talked about my childs special needs and the appeared very welcoming.
The whole time we were in the process of meeting with the schools and choosing, the school we eventually chose said nothing about my sons long hair. In fact we read the schools uniform policy and the only mention of hair was no extreme styles or braids.
But now they have been there a couple of months the head teacher held an assembly to tell all pupils with long hair must wear a pony tail. I already was sending in hair bobbles for PE and swimming. But considering he is already being called by a girl by one kid in his class i thought this was a little off.
My son is the only one being chased up on the matter with lots of girls stuill coming to school with thier long hair down.
In a meeting with the head she said that another parent is complaing that they cant put tracks in their sons hair but my son can have long hair so she had to do something about it. Although i cannot see why as it wasnt in thier policy and tracks is...and tbh i feel its sexual discrimination. I pointed out that its not fair that some other parent should dictate how long my sons hair can be. The school have admitted they have a year 6 pupil whose had his hair long the whole time hes been there...when i asked if he had to wear a pony tail they said no but now he will have too...so this is a new rule just for my son. I have refused to put bobbles in his hair and the school say i am being unresonable. My son has special needs and has had enough stress changing schools without adding to it. Any support for my cause will give me the strength to stand up for my son.
p.s...he is adament he does not want it cut saying that it would not feel like he was himself anymore.

OP posts:
Booooooyhoo · 08/10/2011 21:12

my goodness, such snobbery about hair! yes, talking to you morebeta.

gapants · 08/10/2011 21:17

sorry morebeta i am not really getting your point, could you elaborate please?

violet79 · 08/10/2011 21:22

takver, yes i wonder why they were so keen to take on my children in the first place...i can only assume it was financial as i know when i visited this school and the school closet they were very competitive against each other when they asked me where else i was looking. I am looking at a school at the other end of town now and i will definatly be asking more questions this time. Its not just hair...but i have friends with visible piercings who are tops in their workplace. I just had a quick word with my son when i put him to bed and he says his hair is his security, he indicated his forehead and said that he dosent like this being shown plus he likes to feel his hair on his face as a reassurance when hes uncertain...its his security...cut off...or tied back...it would affect him all the same.

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violet79 · 08/10/2011 21:23

gapants..as a newbie im having a lil trouble with teh abbrieviations...im not sure about whats a FALW?

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gapants · 08/10/2011 21:26

Family Advisor Liason Worker, sometimes called a PSA- Parent support Advisor.

which county are you in?

I feel so sad for your DS and the additional stress this isputting him under. bastards.

My Dnephew has aspergers and the bus company have shifted the pick up time by 10 minutes in the morning, and this has thrown him into such a spin. with NO WARNING. so crap for an AS child to have to deal with.

654321 · 08/10/2011 21:40

Heres a thought...ask the school to put thier request officially in writing, with full reasoning and risk assessment where applicable, and see what they come up with if anything.

Including clear guidance to whom the rule applies and at what length of hair the rule applies.....se if they dare discriminate then

DS has always had long hair (shoulder length) it is a bit shorter now but just let any teacher insist he gets it cut and I would ask them to make it a formal request and see ifthey are so brave im black and white!!!

DS's football manager asked me to get it cut the otehr day as he said he is constantly flicking his fringe ala justin beiber!!!...i said the only person with the problem is you...he will not be cutting his hair unless it is his choice or for some reason unsafe :S

Children get very few choices as it is...dont take this one away from them, really it isnt a battle worth winning

violet79 · 08/10/2011 21:51

gapants im in the north east, thanks for the advice.

654321 all good points... i will raise them, maybe i can nip this in the bud without having to upheave them again.

Another good thing to mention to proove their innability to accept people...my younger son has to take medications 3 times a day and doc says he cannot take 2 doses close together...they refused to give it him midday...
it wasnt till i said i will have to leave work to give it to him that they agreed.

OP posts:
Booooooyhoo · 08/10/2011 21:57

"he likes to feel his hair on his face as a reassurance when hes uncertain...its his security."

i can totally relate to this. i have long hair and like your son find it painful when tied back so i dont. my hair is a comfort to me, i wrap it round my hands and i can sit for an hour like this just holding it against my face. it may sound silly but i would feel very exposed if i was to lose my hair or have it cut by someone against my wishes. i know it's only hair but it is my hair and part of me. no-one has ever suggested that i cut it, why would they? it's nothing to do with anybody else. and i think your son shouldn't have to consider cutting it if it isn't what he wants.

WRT washing and brushing it, i'm guessing you have tried lots of different conditioners for curly hair? i have been using morrocan oil now for a few months and it has made my hair so much easier to brush through after washing. very soft aswell.

MoreBeta · 08/10/2011 22:04

gagpants - the point I am making is that many organisatioins and institutions have rules about, hair, clothes, makeup, piercings.

School is no different.

upahill · 08/10/2011 22:05

me too Booooooyhoo!

WetAugust · 08/10/2011 22:09

FGS - either cut his hair or tie it back - and I say this as the mother of a DS with SNs (same type as your's)

I cannot stand all this bloody tippy-toeing around 'he does like this, won't do that, is a special case - No he isn't

He'll need to have his hair cut throughout the rest of his life so get him used to it - or get him used to having it tied back.

Not easy - but perfectly possible.

There are some issues worth dying in a ditch over in respect of SNs - this isn't one of them

Booooooyhoo · 08/10/2011 22:13

"He'll need to have his hair cut throughout the rest of his life so get him used to it - or get him used to having it tied back."

why will he need to have it cut the rest of his life? i've never had to cut mine apart from trims. why would this person be any different?

violet79 · 08/10/2011 22:14

booooooyhoo,
thats very insightful. I will use it to help my son. In fact it brought Violet from incredibles to mind...(nothing to do with my choice of name...im from devon...violet ...etc )
But in every teen prog/film i can think there is a child who hides behind their hair or needs their hair. This must be based on some kind of true life. I feel that its something i should tread very carefully with my son.
Yep tried every single thing i could think of for brushing and combing ...but NOT Moroccan oil, thanks for the tip :)

OP posts:
Booooooyhoo · 08/10/2011 22:15

"FGS - either cut his hair or tie it back "

and why should she if none of the other children with long hair are being made to?

susiedaisy · 08/10/2011 22:17

Because booho like it or not many jobs will be closed to him if he has flowing hair down to his waist as a grown man, prospective employers may not say anything at an interview but many would not like it, not saying it is right but it will happen!

WetAugust · 08/10/2011 22:18

At risk of stating the bleeding obvious you either
a) never cut it and end up tripping over it / carry a lifetime's weight of hair around or
b) trim it - and what's the difference to trimming afew inches off to trimming sufficient length to comply with school policies

violet79 · 08/10/2011 22:22

wetaugust...i havent revealed my sons SN. im glad that my son has more understanding parents...both me and my sons father find dealing with my sons SN very challenging...but deal with it we do, and our discipline is not compromised...in fact sometimes i worry i expect too much, and we are told so by our sons health workers.
But i do not feel that taking away who he feels he is, and how he defines himself is right. My brother is alot more disabled than my son....he will never work, i am grateful that my son probably will...but his work will be limited to some extent. Im sure that they wont hold prejudice where he does look for work.

OP posts:
violet79 · 08/10/2011 22:24

susiedaisy...his hair does not flow to his waist...its to his armpit...and thats only when you pull his curls...without pulling its on the shoulder. He is not applying for a job

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MushroomMagee · 08/10/2011 22:25

Hi - I'm joining the conversation late so sorry if what I'm about to say has already been said. Anyway, assuming this is state not private school I believe (I'm not certain) that discrimination rules require that schools have the same rules regarding hair and uniform for boys and girls (perhaps bra's and top half of swimming costumes being different because of genuine differences in body parts). If this is the case then they are trying to get around that by setting a rule for everyone and only enforcing it for boys (or boy!), they can't do that legally (because it is in effect setting a different law for girls and boys so is discriminatory in just the same way). Of course this relies on my hunch regarding laws around discrimination meaning they have to apply uniform laws equally.
On another note, when I was in school (I should note I'm MushroomMagee's DH so way a boy at school) I had long hair (still do) and was constantly being told to get it cut - I see no reason why in order to educate children they need to dictate their hair style to them. Rules should be there for a reason, and the only possible reason for rules regarding hair style is knits/health and safety which applies to all children. Social Norm isn't a reason for a rule (in fact if a kid does something wrong and uses the excuse that everyone else was doing it they are invariably met with "if everyone else was jumping off a bridge would you" - why they don't apply the same logic to hair styles I don't know).

violet79 · 08/10/2011 22:26

wetaugust...
his problem is not getting it cut..and even if that was the issue ...hair only grows a certain length before falling out ...with his tight curls, even his max length would be somewhere around his middle back.
He will have it trimmed...the school dont want it trimmed...they want it crew cut.

OP posts:
Booooooyhoo · 08/10/2011 22:27

"and what's the difference to trimming afew inches off to trimming sufficient length to comply with school policies"

the school do not make the other children with long hair cut theirs to a required length!!! that is the point. why should this boy be made to do it especially considering the distress it will clearly cause him to do so? none of the other children are being asked to cut their hair, in fact why are you even talking about cutting his hair? the school have asked that it be tied up. is it because he is a boy you think he is being soft by having an emotional attatchment to his hair? should he just 'man up' and cut it off? Hmm

this is upsetting me more than it should.

worraliberty · 08/10/2011 22:28

I think the school should have a 'tied back' policy for all pupils both male and female, including your son OP. It may be his comfort thing but I'm sure he'll learn to cope with fiddling with it even though it's tied back.

I think compromise is the way forward and schools do 'compromise' nowadays by allowing boys to have longer than collar length hair...something most schools totally refused not so long ago.

WetAugust · 08/10/2011 22:32

No you haven't explicitly stated what your son's SNs are, but reading how it affects him I can guess the condition as these are behaviours that exist in my son's condition too.

You wrote:

Im sure that they wont hold prejudice where he does look for work.

Oh yes they will! Society picks on anyone who is 'different' - the secret is to make our SN kids as non-different as possible. If they blend in visually and sartorially they are less likley to be immediatey identifiable as 'SN'.

So we started when DS was young to help him - one of which was overcoming his fear of haircuts etc.

It doesn't make me a less understanding parent as you claimed - it just makes me a more realistic parent trying to help my DS fit into a world that is not excatly opening it's arms to welcome him.

susiedaisy · 08/10/2011 22:34

Completely agree wetaugust

violet79 · 08/10/2011 22:35

mushroommagee's (not sure what DH means due to being new to forums...assume you mean other half?)...i love the lemming reference. It is very bizzare that long hair should effect a boys education and not a girls. I keep thinking about my sons former classmates, in particular his Caribbean ones...they had similar hair to my sons...so as you can imagine they couldnt control it if they tried...and if they did...it would be in the braids my sons school has banned. It just dosent make sense to dictate hair.

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