boys with long hair

[violet79]

My children have recently started a new school. When picking the school we met with the headteacher and looked around the school and talked about my childs special needs and the appeared very welcoming.
The whole time we were in the process of meeting with the schools and choosing, the school we eventually chose said nothing about my sons long hair. In fact we read the schools uniform policy and the only mention of hair was no extreme styles or braids.
But now they have been there a couple of months the head teacher held an assembly to tell all pupils with long hair must wear a pony tail. I already was sending in hair bobbles for PE and swimming. But considering he is already being called by a girl by one kid in his class i thought this was a little off.
My son is the only one being chased up on the matter with lots of girls stuill coming to school with thier long hair down.
In a meeting with the head she said that another parent is complaing that they cant put tracks in their sons hair but my son can have long hair so she had to do something about it. Although i cannot see why as it wasnt in thier policy and tracks is...and tbh i feel its sexual discrimination. I pointed out that its not fair that some other parent should dictate how long my sons hair can be. The school have admitted they have a year 6 pupil whose had his hair long the whole time hes been there...when i asked if he had to wear a pony tail they said no but now he will have too...so this is a new rule just for my son. I have refused to put bobbles in his hair and the school say i am being unresonable. My son has special needs and has had enough stress changing schools without adding to it. Any support for my cause will give me the strength to stand up for my son.
p.s...he is adament he does not want it cut saying that it would not feel like he was himself anymore.

tbh I am alarmed at the poliy of 'no '. This is clearly racial discrimination. Braiding is not some fashion fad, its an essential means to some for managing black hair. The policy has not been thought through and they seem to be making it up as they go along.

I would speak to the governors about your son's needs, which appear to include having his hair as it is. Schools are meant to be inclusive. Meanwhile a compromise might be to find him some boy friendly hair ties.

Cross posts with you OP. My point exactly about the braids

WetAugust Yes, people are arseholes, and it's illegal and stupid, but some arseholes will discriminate at job interviews for ridiculous reasons like not liking your hair style. But deal with that when it comes to it. I accept your approach may be one way to go, but I also think putting it off to later is fairly valid (especially given it sounds like it will be difficult for him to adjust at this point). The kid should be able to concentrate on getting through school with good grades etc now and not have to worry about this, the school ABU IMO by trying to make him conform to the headmasters style guide. IMO this is no more reasonable than if OPs son told his teachers to grow their hair and have it down because he quite likes that style.

booooyhoo...we have in fact had the term soft used by people locally...not the school though...but its clear thats what is thought...we have moved without realising it into a very manly area..where boys are brought up to be hard...i think thats why the next door dont accept us.

wetaugust...if you read back you will find that i have given more information in my reply posts

I think you should be concentrating your "campaign" on why they are not enforcing the rule for everyone.

wetaugust...with your child's condition that may be your secret...what i am told is to make awareness more readily available and to give out information to those he has contact with.

heleninhandcart...
since my children started i have seen that every single child in the school is white (bar one or two max aisian families)...i can only assume that other parents are put off by the policy...and i would have a guess that as you say the policy is carefully worded to exclude minorities

thankyou to both mushroom magee and soupdragon...both good ways forwards.

he is a child who is at school and not in the cut throat world of high flying corporate business. To those who keep making that type of comparison, well it is sounding a bit silly really.

Not wanting his hair cut now, does not mean not cutting his hair in 10 years should he desire to enter the armed forces for example either.

The issue is that the ops son is being victimised, and it is not on, whether it is over something "trivial" as some of you seem to think as hair length. Her sons hair is very much linked to his feelings of identity and security and a school- as place of safety 1st and learning second should work with that the best they can with the family and all families and not pick on one kid.

Bollox to racial discrimination, you have no evidence of that

violet it doesn't surprise me that you have heard this term. small mindedness is very common sadly. my ds is just 2 and i have never cut his hair execpt for his fringe because it was in his eyes. my parents tell me he will be a sissy because of this if they actually thought about what they were saying they would realise how ridiculous this is. it used to annoy me but i dont let it any more, there will always be people liek this in life, we just have to deal with it whilst being true to ourselves at the same time. i hope my sons can learn this too.

very sad for your son that the area he lives seems to be holding onto outdated views on how boys 'should' be. i hope you can find a school that actually cares about teaching your son rather than pandering to silly parents who dont 'get' boys with long hair.

My son has Aspergers. Many of the behaviours you decsribed - sensory issues, preferring longer hair to 'hide behind', anxiety etc are ASD behaviours too. You also seem to allude to some sort of geneder identity issues - these are not ASD issues so I have no knowledge in that area.

However I think the advice you have been given to information to everyone he is in contact with is pretty much unachievable - maybe OK for the teachers etc he deals with everyday but short of him wandering around with a constant sheaf of leaflets ready to dish out to everyone he meets some people will always question his appearance and judge him on it.

I did read your earlier posts and what strikes me is that you are making yourself very unpopular at this school - not just over this hair issue, that's a pity as schools tend to become very entrenched in gtheir views when they are dealing with what they perceive to be 'difficult' parents and may be less amenable about the things in the future that really do matter, as a result.

Go with something like. "I am trying very hard to comply but, due to SNs, it is difficult when he finds it distressing and sees that no one else has to do it"

middleagedpetedhertyfan...of course i have no evidence...i am just expressing concern about the fact that there is no diversity in the school...be that diversity in the socks and pants they wear or the colour of their skin or the length of thier hair...and now they have some diversity ...my son...they want to uniform him to a sample child...so you may say i have no evidence...maybe i dont...but i am not blind and i do not turn a blind eye to the obvious.

a very true comment booooyoo...the school is pandering to one families comments and ignoring ours .

I'd be pissed off about the no braids thing too.

Bloody cheek.
Braids are an accepted and normal hairstyle for children with afro hair. They keep the hair tidy and easy to manage. The only other option is to cut it all off.

It may not be classed as racist but it certainly shows a distinct lack of cultural awareness.

I am all for sensible uniforms but start getting annoyed when they dictate how pupils should treat their bodies.

wetaugust...i am not deliberatly making myself unpopular...
when it came to paying for trips...i meant that they have asked for 40 pounds in the last month and i am struggling to get myself to work without pay ...let alone buy things such as clothes for my children for the extreme weather up north...we are genuinly struggling. The letters that were sent were wrote up in red letter format! thats not acceptable!
I have been nothing but supportive of the school...but the last 2 weeks have been really trying and unexpected.
i wasnt talking about leaflets i was talking about business cards...to avoid unessasary tuts...this is what i have been told is a good thing by charitable companies.
When it comes to the use of the word bloody i havent even been called in yet...i only know because i overheard a private convo my 2 sons were having about my younger one getting told off and not knowing why...reagrdless...i do feel that when children come from a different communitie and different background then every effort should be made to make them feel welcome without making them feel bad for who they have been brought up to be in a different culture.

You may not have set up to make yourself unpopular - but from what you've described you probably are by now.

If I was you I would positively welcome having my SN son at a school that seems very intent on forcing high standards. It would for instance give me some reassurance that the anti-social behaviour that SN kids undoubtedly face at school will be tackled if school are so inflexible in enforcing their rules.

I don't believe in ASD T shirts, wrist bands, queue jumping etc - anything that singles them out. I also don't believe in the 'special case card' that so many SN parents play over very trivial issues. There are real issues that are far more worthwhile to tackle so why annoy the world by focusing on 'my SN kid must have x,y, z because he has 'special needs'.

The cornrow issue has also been decided in law and it's illegal for a school to discrimmate against these - on the grounds of ethnicity. Link details the ruling
www.guardian.co.uk/uk/2011/jun/17/school-ban-cornrow-braids-discrimination

It's two separate issues really:

1. Should boys have long hair?

I don't see any reason why not, personally, & if violet79's ds ultimately wants to take a job in an industry that frowns on it, well, he can worry about that when he comes to it. It's certainly not going to be a problem before he's leaving school/graduating from further education.

Fashions in hair for men & expectations from employers may both be very different in the 2020s - no point making assumptions now based on the fact that a current undergrad might want to get shorn before interviewing for some of the stuffier companies.

2. Should violet79's ds be required to tie back his long hair?

Possibly - if it looks untidy or it's an Elf & Safety risk or nits are rife. But in that case there should be a Whole School Policy that 'all long hair must be tied back' & it should be enforced wrt all students.

Until that happens, I think he has every right to politely decline to do anything at all with it.

Look I do really think you're over complicating this OP.

You don't need to keep bringing your son's SN into the equation at all imo.

All you need to do is stick to this fact...If the school policy states that long hair should be tied back, then both male and female pupils should be made to tie it back...End of.

As for i do feel that when children come from a different communitie and different background then every effort should be made to make them feel welcome without making them feel bad for who they have been brought up to be in a different culture

No, sorry not with regards to swearing. No matter what 'community' you come from, children should not swear and especially not at school.

You're coming across a little bit as though this school should jump through hoops to accomodate your child and to hell with the school rules that are there for everyone.

And I think that's the point you need to drive home to them. Everyone with long hair should have it tied back...not just boys.

wetaugust...yes i am very unpopular, but its not my doing ...i havde been very sweet to everyone involved...despite consistent lack of care from the school...i am very upset that my family are so unpopular for no real reason except different background(when it was implied that they would be whole heartedly accepted).
Sometimes my child does things that are inexplicable and hurtful...the cards that have been advised by the mental health authority are simply to help minimise such hurt and tuts.
thanks for the link :)

worraliberty...
i think my point is that in the community i come from it is not considered swearing...in fact if you google it it is mostly not considered swearing officially unless said to religious persons with hell attached at the end...
my point is that the school is punishing them and they dont realise that they are doing wrong ....should it not be that they try and retrain my children...rather than make them feel naughty for something that was accepted from years 0-9?

No. It should be that they tell your children not to say Bloody because at school it is swearing.

They should then...after one warning punish them if they are caught saying it again.

I don't know what community you come from but I think it's safe to say the vast majority of parents would not relish the thought of their children saying 'Bloody' this or 'Bloody' that.

I'm sorry but you are coming across as quite precious now.

Do you honestly think the school has nothing better to do than tiptoe around your children?

How about they actually get on with educating them whilst expecting a bit of support from you?

back to the issue of hair, dc4 was asked to get goggles or hair in a ponytail for swimming as he struggled with his hair - its not even long - its surferish but not long...i wondered whether or not the parents of all girls had been approached like this?

vive la difference i say