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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

boys with long hair

382 replies

violet79 · 08/10/2011 15:27

My children have recently started a new school. When picking the school we met with the headteacher and looked around the school and talked about my childs special needs and the appeared very welcoming.
The whole time we were in the process of meeting with the schools and choosing, the school we eventually chose said nothing about my sons long hair. In fact we read the schools uniform policy and the only mention of hair was no extreme styles or braids.
But now they have been there a couple of months the head teacher held an assembly to tell all pupils with long hair must wear a pony tail. I already was sending in hair bobbles for PE and swimming. But considering he is already being called by a girl by one kid in his class i thought this was a little off.
My son is the only one being chased up on the matter with lots of girls stuill coming to school with thier long hair down.
In a meeting with the head she said that another parent is complaing that they cant put tracks in their sons hair but my son can have long hair so she had to do something about it. Although i cannot see why as it wasnt in thier policy and tracks is...and tbh i feel its sexual discrimination. I pointed out that its not fair that some other parent should dictate how long my sons hair can be. The school have admitted they have a year 6 pupil whose had his hair long the whole time hes been there...when i asked if he had to wear a pony tail they said no but now he will have too...so this is a new rule just for my son. I have refused to put bobbles in his hair and the school say i am being unresonable. My son has special needs and has had enough stress changing schools without adding to it. Any support for my cause will give me the strength to stand up for my son.
p.s...he is adament he does not want it cut saying that it would not feel like he was himself anymore.

OP posts:
Original poster
violet79 · 08/10/2011 19:12

seeker, no as i pointed out in pevious replies, my son has very curly hair which is shorter at the front ...it hurts him to tye it back and even more when its on top of his head to get the hair removed from his face...its also very thick so the wieght of it in the ponytail is unbelievable...and he has sensory issues as mentioned before.

OP posts:
Booooooyhoo · 08/10/2011 19:13

exactly violet79. we dont all end up in a boardroom, nor do we all want to.

Original poster
violet79 · 08/10/2011 19:18

booooyhoo, exactly...not to mention that men who tie their hair up/cut thier hair for work get an extreme reward for doing so....thousands and thousands of pounds a year...if i offered my son thousands and thousands of toys for cutting his hair then there is a possibility (imo) he would consider it...(although with his SN i would hold back from saying that is fact) but noone can begin to offer him that for going to school...he dosent even like going to school so having to cut his hair for it would seem to him like a double blow.
There are many different jobs these days ...and im quite sure with my sons SN he wont end up in one that requires a uniformity of hairdo anyway.

OP posts:
LittleMissFlustered · 08/10/2011 19:23

MoreBeta Balls. The head at my daughter's old primary had a ponytail longer than I had at the time. He went through his entire teaching career with the long hair, and it has done nothing to impinge on his progression. In fact he has just moved to be the head of a successful CofE primary in what MN would class as a 'naice' area.

violet If the school are not making it a blanket policy and enforcing it I would say you are well within your rights to carry on as you are.

PattySimcox · 08/10/2011 19:26

Downbytheriverside - well I know a little of SN in as much as I have had 13 years of parenting a child with autism, so no not just a general harrumph.

That said I don't think that the OPs DCs SN are to do with autism from reading between the lines.

There are valid H&S reasons why it is better for long hair to be tied back in schools - nits being a minor one, swimming another safety in PE / science etc and whilst, yes, reasonable adjustments should be made for children with SN, this doesn't mean that they can be given carte blanche to ignore rules.

For example - DS doesn't like clothes and will choose to be naked wherever possible - should he be allowed to go to school naked?

nooka · 08/10/2011 19:29

Well f course it's the enforcement that causes the problems! But if the school didn't have the uniform then it wouldn't have to do the enforcing. We moved to a town where none of the schools have uniforms, indeed most people when I've asked about uniform think it is a very strange and somewhat archaic idea.

Violet, sorry I misunderstood about the stress, and I think that you probably do need to stand your ground if it is that important to your ds. Mine also has long curly hair and it is important to him too, so I understand that identity piece. Could the SN centre give you any advice? Might it be possible to find an advocate to help? If the school is discriminating towards your ds (ie making a rule that only he has to comply with) then I think you are right to kick up a bit of a fuss.

I don't really understand why schools have rules about having hair tied back except when it matters (ie science or PE). It just seems like petty bureaucracy to me. I know that there is the perception that it stops head lice spreading, but I note that in my children's current school (no hair rules) there have been no nit notes, nor does it seem to be a big issue.

gapants · 08/10/2011 19:32

i think the main point is that the ops son is being victimised here and is the only one who is being asked to tie hair back.

Such a shame- what does the school SENCO say? Do you have a relationship with the? That would be my 1st port of call in opening a discussion with the HT.

What a stress for you, the school are being arsey IMO

SoupDragon · 08/10/2011 19:35

Just go and talk to the head and ask why it is not being enforced with other children.

That is the only real issue here.

QueenOfFeckingEverything · 08/10/2011 19:37

If its a rule that long hair should be tied back then fine, but it needs to be an actual rule and it needs to apply to all children. They can't just make a rule up for your son based on another family's complaint!

A friend of mine had a v similar issue with her DS's primary - he had five small thin (less than 4 inches long) dreadlocks at the nape of his neck (hair short otherwise) and the school insisted it was an 'extreme and unusual hairstyle'. She wrote back explaining that it was neither extreme nor unusual amongst their acquaintances, of whom at least two thirds had full dreadlocks.

Head was having none of it and called her in for a meeting which she couldn't attend so her partner (waist length dreads of his own) went along. Head puffed himself up and explained v patronisingly that 'out there in the real world, when X gets to university, he will see that the top medical students are the ones in suits with short hair' Hmm

Clearly the head was unaware of the fact that her partner was a medical student Grin

PeneloPeePitstop · 08/10/2011 19:39

Long hair isn't extreme.
If the OPs son has to tie his hair back then so should all girls with long hair, and if anyone thinks he should have his hair cut short then surely so too should all the girls.....

MillyR · 08/10/2011 19:41

I find it amusing that headteachers are talking about the 'real world' and appearances. Many male teachers have a 'look' (complete with beard) that would certainly look out of place in many other professions.

Original poster
violet79 · 08/10/2011 19:48

downbytheriverside...as i mentioned i already provide a hair bobble for circumstances involving health and safety. That is painful enough for my son and completely useless with his layers...as the staff refuse to try and gather it all up on his head as it is impossible with his tight curls.
ive had much experience with nits myself being from a tight community down south...and ive learnt that the nits stay close to the head therefore the only way to pass nits is head to head contact...not being flung from the lengths of long hair.

OP posts:
Original poster
violet79 · 08/10/2011 19:50

sorry that was to pattysmith not downbytheriverside, sorry still getting used to the site and whats highlighted and where

OP posts:
Original poster
violet79 · 08/10/2011 19:52

nooka...as i work its hard atm...but i am trying to access to advice required ...its also hard accessing it in a new area...but i am moving forward :)

OP posts:
Original poster
violet79 · 08/10/2011 19:57

gapants...unfortunatly the head is also the sen...infact im quite allarmed that im direceted to her for EVERY matter , she has also misinformed me about what i have to pay for ...i had no income while waiting for my first pay to come in and she sent me reminder bills for trips that were during school time even though she knew my financial situation...when i went to speak to her about the fact im struggling till i get paid she said its ok , we will try not to exclude your sons...but we may have to leave them behind...even though i knew this was against gov regulations. im just really regretting my school choice because of this one woman...
how does anyone feel about going beyond the head to the governers? or is that fuel to a fire in a community i am new too?

OP posts:
ravenAK · 08/10/2011 19:59

I think I'd write in & politely point out that this obviously isn't a whole school policy, qv. the many girls & one other boy with loose long hair, & as such, your ds will be continuing to wear his hair long & loose too, until such time as he decides that he'd like it cut.

& then I'd repeat as often as need be until they gave up & instead took on the parent who wants her son to have tracks...

Original poster
violet79 · 08/10/2011 19:59

queenoffeckingeverything...i loved what you wrote...i think its moments like that , that really show narrow-mindedness.

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Birdsgottafly · 08/10/2011 19:59

"Birds that has to be the most sexist thing I've heard on MN"

MrsH- you obviously haven't been on MN much. School does tend to continue 'social norms', that wasn't my opinion, but many schools still have rules for sexist reasons.

Original poster
violet79 · 08/10/2011 20:02

ravenAk , thanks, i think if i repeat what yuo wrote the head should have it spelt loud and clear ... i think that if its a case of one family in the school thinking my son should have short hair (even though its not in the schools policy) and my family thinking its best for him to keep it long...then theres no reason the other family should have final say and therefore have a new rule laid down by the school just for my son.

OP posts:
gapants · 08/10/2011 20:19

Hmmmm... well it might not be the right school for you and your family. You don't want to have to struggle about every little things and it sort of sounds like it might be.

There are loads of other money streams a school can access to ensure that no child is excluded from a school trip/event. I am shocked that it was not made clear to you that the school would do their best to ensure the inclusion of your DS's.

What about the school Family Liaon Worker? can you talk with them.

Original poster
violet79 · 08/10/2011 20:30

gapants...i have just spent the last 10 minutes giving some serious thought to the same thing, the initial welcome the school gave before we joined really does seem to of fizzled out into a long stream of unfair harassment. i am going to look into other local schools.
they didn't only not make it clear that i didn't have to pay...they told me i was indebted to the school, then, as i say made out they could exclude my children when confronted about the payment issue.
I will defiantly be looking for assistance from the liaison worker now.

OP posts:
Takver · 08/10/2011 20:45

OP, it sounds like you are having wider problems with the school, and the hair is just one part of the whole issue - it sounds like talking to the liaison officer about the whole thing might be helpful.

Separately, I'm always baffled by the general perception on MN that men can't possibly have long hair in the 'real world'. I assume people mean the world of middle class well paid jobs (unless you think a brickie or plumber has to have short back & sides?).

But thinking of the men I still know from when I was at college, I can think of at least four including DH who have had long hair for the last 20 years. Discounting DH (who is now self employed & previously worked in computing) all the other three have very well paid professional jobs, and clearly haven't been held back in their careers by their excess of hair . . .

Come to that, the last time I had a meeting with a reasonably high level civil servant (of the holding-negotiations-in-Brussels type) not only did he have long hair, but he also wore cherry red patent DMs with his suit. I really think that it is time to acknowledge that actually, school hair rules run about 20 years behind the rest of reality!

gapants · 08/10/2011 20:52

wow- they sound horrid!

I work for my LEA and work in about 12 schools across the county and there are all sorts of funds available and ANY HT who cared about children- and lets face it they should be looking for a different career if that is not the case- would be doing their BEST to ensure all children are having a rich and rewarding school experience.

Contact the FALW for sure, you need someone to be your advocate in this situation and be a neutral voice in any meetings. Good Luck.

MoreBeta · 08/10/2011 21:06

LittleMiss - " The head at my daughter's old primary had a ponytail longer than I had at the time."

I agree with MillyR. It speaks volumes about the modern teaching profession's attitude.

Takver · 08/10/2011 21:10

Don't see why a teacher with a neat ponytail would be a problem if said teacher was good at his job. Certainly (as noted above) the corporate world don't seem to struggle with neat long hair on men, any more than they do with smart short hair on women, so I don't understand why it should be different in a school.