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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To feel totally let down by my bridesmaid

388 replies

deathlyhallows · 07/10/2011 15:55

Ok so I am getting married next week and I have 3 lovely bridesmaids , 2 of whom have been fantastic and really been there for me. I am quite an independent person and have done mostly everything for myself but they have offered to do loads and of anything I have asked they have either done or been so apologetic if they couldn't . But the third ...

Has been so uninterested . Hasn't done one thing to help , has come to nothing unless it has to do with her (ie dress fittings hair and make up) and the wedding is next week and I have seen her a handful of times in the last 3 months . Whenever I text her about wedding stuff she either doesn't get back to me or texts me with a brief reply that doesn't help saying she's been busy at work and is too busy to think about it . And even on her days off she says she needs for herself cos she is so busy at work .

AIBU to think she should be making time for me ?

OP posts:

Georgimama · 07/10/2011 21:53

No, I planned and organised a wedding with my fiance.

Dozer · 07/10/2011 21:54

Spuddy, that's awful.

But a valid point for the OP: given the choice, wouldn't you rather have a slack bridesmaid than one who was superficially dutiful but in fact shagging your DH?

Ooh, maybe the other "lovely" bridesmaids are up to no good, and the slack one has found out and doesn't know how to tell you!

Spuddybean · 07/10/2011 21:55

garlic i now know where i went wrong! it's clearly all my fault, how remiss of me as a bride

Original poster

deathlyhallows · 07/10/2011 21:55

No !!! As I have said they have picked their own dresses hairstyle make up shoes everything I dont care what they look like i wanted them to choose because they have to wear it all day so I wanted them to be comfortable .

OP posts:

Spuddybean · 07/10/2011 21:58

dozer i do hope those aren't the only bridesmaid choices available for everyone. i would hope there might be a happy medium of bridesmaids out there. possibly one who is mildly interested in the wedding and only gives your DH the odd hand job when she's pissed!

Catslikehats · 07/10/2011 21:58

Blimey spuddy I'm not sure whether I am shocked at the bitch BM or your friends who didn't think to tell you that you were marrying a cheating twat.

Hope your life is now soooo much better than theirs.

Original poster

deathlyhallows · 07/10/2011 22:03

Spuddy that's terrible ! Maybe I should go thru h2b phone see if he is up to no good with any of my bridesmaid

In all seriousness I'm so sorry that happened to you and I am glad you can laugh about it now becos I honestly dont think I could .

And on a different topic I'd just like to point out that all this stuff I have never uttered to anyone - but I few people have mentioned it to me !! They have noticed she has been AWOL and I've made excuses for her becos as much as I'm frustrated with her I don't want people to think bad of her .

OP posts:

CupOfBrownJoy · 07/10/2011 22:03

Spuddy " i would hope there might be a happy medium of bridesmaids out there. possibly one who is mildly interested in the wedding and only gives your DH the odd hand job when she's pissed!"

quote of the night, right there

notlettingthefearshow · 07/10/2011 22:05

Haven't read all the posts OP, but please don't take it personally. Your bridesmaid is probably very busy and is struggling to find time for all the extra stuff - but she has come to everything she needs to, so that is the main thing. You have two other bridesmaids who are more willing/able to help you, and she knows that.

By the way - not everyone loves weddings! They can be so expensive and time consuming for thos involved. Many reasons for this, eg is she's single or unhappy in relationship. It may be the last thing she needs at the moment if her worklife is stressed and she lacks time for herself.

CupOfBrownJoy · 07/10/2011 22:05

I think if you have issues with a friend who has drifted away from you, that is totally fair enough.

I think you should separate out your friendship issues from the wedding issues and deal with the friend as if it were any normal week. In fact, this might involve you having to suck it up until after the wedding and then give this your attention.

Plus, rather than "you didn't help with the wedding" I might go with "are you ok I've hardly seen you?"

Georgimama · 07/10/2011 22:06

One of my BMs was my fiance's neice and the other one was a lesbian. Fairly secure on the new husband hand job front.

pigletmania · 07/10/2011 22:06

I have to say that YABU, when I got married all I wanted my bridesmaids to do was to turn up for fittings, and help me on my wedding day (which they did). You say that you are an independent person who has done everything for yourself, you don't sound it, actually you sound a bit needy. Its your wedding, you have to organise it, not your bridesmaid. It would never occur to me that my bridesmaids had to help me to organise parts of my wedding . I even organised my hen weekend too.

alistron1 · 07/10/2011 22:08

LOL!! This thread is hilarious. OP you clearly have too much time on your hands.

Events when you might expect close friends to give a week or two of their lives include: (and this is not an exhaustive list) a terminal illness, a bereavement, a messy divorce, losing your job/home and becoming destitute, a dreadful, life changing, accident....

A wedding isn't really up there I'm afraid.

pigletmania · 07/10/2011 22:09

I know, agree you seem very me oriantated, what about asking about her and how she is getting on. You don't know what's going on in her life that could make her a bit distant.

GalaxyWeaver · 07/10/2011 22:13

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

deathlyhallows · 07/10/2011 22:16

How many times !! I have asked how she is loads of times !! She came to see me about 6 weeks ago becos something major had happened and she wanted to tell me . I was excited to see her . I listened and was happy for her gave the advice she needed . I never mentioned my wedding . And neither did she . I never thought anything of it at the time but when I look back I think ... I could have had loads of exciting wedding news or been really stressed out with stuff and she wouldn't even know cos she never bothered to ask

OP posts:

WelliesinJune · 07/10/2011 22:17

Yawn ...

Appuskidu · 07/10/2011 22:21

Dear me-she sounds like she's having a nightmare with various things recently yet you want her to spend her free time (a week or two of her life!) asking you what she can do to help you. Maybe when you've got married and got back to reality, you'll start to get a bit of perspective.

Sings it's all about me, it's all about me, baby...

garlicScaresVampires · 07/10/2011 22:22

You don't sound like a horrible person at all, hallows, just a little overwrought It's fairly common in the wedding build-up, nobody's thinking too badly of you. Because of the stress, it's totally the wrong time to start making judgements about your friendships.

Your expectations seem a bit high on the bridesmaid front, and you're lucky to have two whole friends that play along with you. The third isn't doing anything wrong though! She's just not being the kind of bridesmaid you wanted - cut her some slack; if she turns up on time and properly kitted out, she's doing her job for you.

Along with everyone else, i say ease up on the woman :) And fgs don't re-evaluate your friendship on the basis of whether she makes a good wedding servant!! Catch up on things a month after your wedding, when all's calm again.

Have a lovely day.

pigletmania · 07/10/2011 22:23

Just forget her and her behaviour and look forward to your wedding. There is nothing you can do about it now, just hope that she turns up. She does not sound much of a friend at all, why did you ask her in the first place!

cerealqueen · 07/10/2011 22:27

OP, if you are that concerned and still feel you are not being unreasonable, stop posting then and get on the bloody phone and talk to your friend.

Dozer · 07/10/2011 22:29

Hats off to you spuddy, and hope all's well with you now

Spuddybean · 07/10/2011 22:40

Sorry to hijack OP but thanks dozer and all. I'm better now. i still have no mates (i was made redundant too the same month i found out - so it has been hard). But i have a new DP and we are ttc. So altho it's been a really hard couple of years, i finally feel like i'm getting somewhere.

I suppose if there is any moral here OP it's don't sweat the small stuff. I had a fantastic wedding but within a year my whole world had crumbled and i was a social leper. I would have preferred it the other way round.

My DP and i will probably have a shit wedding but a great life. i know it's important at the time but in the grand scheme of things it is only a day. And all this best day of your life stuff is bollocks; Those are the ones which creep up on you, where you spontaneously hire bikes and ride round the countryside in the sunshine, and stop for ice cream, giggle and make love in the woods - it's even better if someone is with you

i hope you have a wonderful day OP

ScrambledSmegs · 07/10/2011 22:43

Hmm. Possibly because I had a bridesmaid who managed to create awful drama and make the wedding day all about her, I can kind of see where you're coming from, OP. It's not that she doesn't care one way or another, it's that she's actively blanking everything to do with your wedding. Kind of like a passive-aggressive bit of sabotage.

Sadly, my bridesmaid managed to make a lot of really lovely people despise her because of the way she treated everyone. We're still friends, because I know she was in a bad place at the time and we have a lot of history. But I'll always resent her for making the day a far more stressful experience than expected, and wish I'd had the guts to tell her it wasn't working out when I first suspected she had a problem with me getting married.

Original poster

deathlyhallows · 07/10/2011 22:45

Spuddy what makes you think you will have a shit wedding I'm sure that's not true ? Yeah I know and it's not like I don't know the day is not the important part the marriage is I'm not so naive I originally didn't want a big wedding just got a bit carried away !! And I'm not as excited about the actual wedding as I am at having dp as my husband I haven't lost touch of what is important . I just think that things they may normally just irk me a but have reeeeeally annoyed me !!

OP posts:

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