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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel totally let down by my bridesmaid

388 replies

deathlyhallows · 07/10/2011 15:55

Ok so I am getting married next week and I have 3 lovely bridesmaids , 2 of whom have been fantastic and really been there for me. I am quite an independent person and have done mostly everything for myself but they have offered to do loads and of anything I have asked they have either done or been so apologetic if they couldn't . But the third ...

Has been so uninterested . Hasn't done one thing to help , has come to nothing unless it has to do with her (ie dress fittings hair and make up) and the wedding is next week and I have seen her a handful of times in the last 3 months . Whenever I text her about wedding stuff she either doesn't get back to me or texts me with a brief reply that doesn't help saying she's been busy at work and is too busy to think about it . And even on her days off she says she needs for herself cos she is so busy at work .

AIBU to think she should be making time for me ?

OP posts:
Original poster
deathlyhallows · 07/10/2011 22:47

Scrambled that's exactly how I feel !! I feel like shes making it more stressful than it should be .

OP posts:
DillyTante · 07/10/2011 22:51

I started out on confetti.com Blush though back in the day they used to have a mn v nm style feud with hitched.co.uk. Hitched had tickers...

cat64 · 07/10/2011 22:52

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Spuddybean · 07/10/2011 22:55

we will have a shit wedding because; we are only children, i have no friends, my dp has a few friends, my dp's parents don't acknowledge my existence and my parents are narcissists. Basically apart from each other we have no one.

To me weddings are about people. So with no people, to laugh and dance etc it will be a very dry affair. However, that isn't why you marry someone is it? So it will be a quiet thing - whereas my 1st wedding was amazingly different - Packed with 'friends', laughter, music, family etc.

anyway, it's easy to get stressed at this stage. just remember to enjoy it - it goes really quickly.

PelvicFloorOfAAAAARGHSteel · 07/10/2011 22:59

'I could have had loads of exciting wedding news' - I think this might be part of the problem OP, there is no such thing as exciting wedding news (unless it's of the BM shagging the groom variety), most wedding news is very dull to anyone except the bride and possibly the bride's mother.

Original poster
deathlyhallows · 07/10/2011 23:06

Yeah but the thing is ... What she was telling me might have been super boring to me , but it was important to her so I listened and was excited for her . As it happens I was genuinely interested but even if I wasn't I would never let that show .

OP posts:
garlicScaresVampires · 07/10/2011 23:47

I had a fantastic wedding but within a year my whole world had crumbled and i was a social leper. - Me too, Spuddy!

Still, it was a good party. And, tbh, you can have one of those with as few as three people ... you go! Slap-up meal, do exactly what you feel like and have a load of laffs :) Be happy, you've earned it.

SnakeOnCrack · 08/10/2011 00:02

I'm getting married next week too! Yayy! Congrats.

My bridesmaids are great but all I've asked them to do is come and try on their dresses and they organised an amazing hen night.. I'm at a loss as to what else they're meant to do?! One came to dress fittings but she's my sister.. I didn't expect the others to.

Relax about It, you'll have a great day regardless and all this will be forgotten.

flyingspaghettimonster · 08/10/2011 00:10

It surprises me how many people think the bridesmaids are supposed to do/pay/actively get involved in so much of the wedding. I had three adult bridesmaids and they weren't expected to do anything - I ordered and paid for their dresses and hair accessories, jewellery, hairstyling etc. All they had to do was show up on the day. Didn't want a hen night or anything. I didn't expect any help making favours or organizing anything. I didn't know that was the purpose really - just assumed they were meant to look happy and co-ordinate.

aldiwhore · 08/10/2011 00:48

My bridesmaids weren't expected to do much other than faff around me on the day and turn up for dress fittings, I certainly didn't expect any of them to phone up and ask how I was 'getting on' its a wedding ffs, not a major life trauma (unless you make it that way).

OP I think you're looking for things to be uppity about... sorry!

LoveBeingAMummyAgain · 08/10/2011 04:41

dilly yes but hitched had a AIBU feel to it's chat, it really is the only reason I did run to nm the hills when I first experienced mn Grin

spuddy wow you are amazing and proof that everything happens for a reason. Sorry can I ask a question? Did they get together whilst planning the wedding or was it going on longer? Confused

Op - it could be that is what is all she expected to do or there could be another reason, anything from being stressed herself to well let's not go to extremes. I understand about the planning and how everything can get, please focus on being lucky enough to have 2 bridesmaids who do want to get involved as much as you want. Have a fab day Grin

LoveBeingAMummyAgain · 08/10/2011 04:44

dilly hitched also had a moulds type splinter group although it was started due to a row with the site owner, a buch went off and started there own chat space elsewhere (take heed mn)

chocolatehobnobs · 08/10/2011 06:03

OP I can see where you are coming from. IMO weddings are really special particularly for the bride who can get a bit overwrought trying to have things perfect for all the guests. I think if you ask an adult friend to be bridesmaid you are paying them a complement about how much you value them. A bridesmaid should support the bride emotionally in the run up to the wedding, show interest and try and keep them sane (for example letting them know when bridezilla is creeping in). And of course help and look pretty on the day.
You are turning a bit bridezilla but it's very disappointing for you that she isn't being a better friend to you when you're clearly stressed. It's at times like this that you find out who your friends really are - and you have 2 very good ones.

tothemoonandback · 08/10/2011 06:45

weddings - yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaawn.

Megatron · 08/10/2011 07:01

OP sorry but I think you are being U too. If you have only seen her once in the last 6 weeks and haven't even spoken to her you have no idea what's actually going on in her life. there could be something she doesn't want you to worry about, or just more important things in her life than your wedding, which surely you understand is actually fine?
Most of my circle of friends use texting to make arrangements but NEVER about sometime deemed important and certainly not wedding arrangements that just sounds a recipe for disaster to me.
Perhaps if you had spoken to her, her tone of voice might have given you an inkling of how she was.
Anyway have a great wedding day with your DF and remember that you actually have a life after it!

LoveInAColdClimate · 08/10/2011 07:23

Sorry, OP, but I also think YABU. When I got married I expected nothing from my bridesmaid other than that she would turn up on the day wearing the dress we had chosen together (in fact she ended up choosing her own dress (which I paid for) for various reasons but it was lovely and met with my full approval). She did organise a lovely hen do for me but I didn't expect it. The responsibility for organising a wedding lies with the bride and groom, and with their families to whatever degree has been decided. It's just not down to your bridesmaid to get involved unless she wants to.

In the nicest possible way, after the wedding I think you'll look back at this thread and cringe - when you're planning a wedding, it can become a bit all-consuming and it's easy to lose perspective. I don't think I was a bridezilla with regard to actual people, but my mother and I did become obsessed with the idea that the confetti (we were only allowed real flower petals at the church) had to be made with petals from my parents' garden and not bought, with the result that we must have spent hundreds of hours stripping petals off hydrangeas that had been laboriously chosen and dried over the aga rather than just buying what would have been the exact same thing from a supplier!

Good luck and have a great day, try not to let this get to you.

Quenelle · 08/10/2011 08:22

I don't get it, what's the big deal? It's one day involving a church/civil ceremony followed by dinner, dancing and drinking, not the filming of the next Bond movie.

So glad I got married before weddings became such big productions.

Have a lovely wedding OP, but don't let the small stuff spoil it, or a friendship.

Quenelle · 08/10/2011 08:22

I don't get it, what's the big deal? It's one day involving a church/civil ceremony followed by dinner, dancing and drinking, not the filming of the next Bond movie.

So glad I got married before weddings became such big productions.

Have a lovely wedding OP, but don't let the small stuff spoil it, or a friendship.

Proudnreallyveryscary · 08/10/2011 08:22

Flossie! 'She's just not that into you' - GENIUS!

Just caught up on this thread - there are some classics.

Spuddy I salute you for your very sane posts and your hilarious post about 'letting her go'!

Look OP there are a couple of pearls of wisdom here that I really wish you would listen to - this 'best day of your life' thing is a load of crap, my wedding was lovely but I've had better days dancing round the kitchen with my dc in our pyjamas.

Oh and weddings are as dull as ditch water to most (sane) people. They wish you all the love and luck in the world but they couldn't give a shit what colour your flowers are.

fatlazymummy · 08/10/2011 08:45

chocolatehobnobs it's not about 'getting things perfect for the guests' though. Most guests don't care about the bridesmaids dresses, shoes, flowers, centrepieces, favours, etc. The bride stresses about these things because they are important to her.
Most wedding guests are more concerned about how much expense and inconvenience it is going to cause them to attend.

Megatron · 08/10/2011 08:54

I've had better days dancing round the kitchen with my dc in our pyjamas.

Totally agree Proud. My wedding was great (I think but I can hardly remember it now) but I won't ever forget the day the DC and I painted the shed.

EssentialFattyAcid · 08/10/2011 08:58

If you need to know her shoe size quickly you need to phone and not text. Inappropriate use of texting is creating problems in this relationship IMO.

I think it is enough from a bridesmaid that she has to wear a dress she hasn't chosen in public and be photographed in it. The bridesmaids are doing YOU a favour and not the other way around.

Original poster
deathlyhallows · 08/10/2011 09:03

I didn't say it was the best day I said it was the biggest . And I know there will b days just as big , but none will be bigger .

OP posts:
WhoKnowsWhereTheTimeGoes · 08/10/2011 09:03

Yes, YABU, definitely, agree with Proud. If you start on the assumption that no one else is more than politely interested in your wedding and then take any input over and above the minimum as a bonus you won't go far wrong.

Flisspaps · 08/10/2011 09:19

YABU.

Please stop using text speak :)

If you want to see your BM before your wedding day, why not pick up the phone and make arrangements to go and see her? You're getting married, you've not been rendered immobile. If she's got a lot on her plate she may well have not told you because she doesn't want to offload onto you during your 'happy time' so keeping her head down and not getting involved might be her way of doing you a favour.

If someone text me to say 'I'm going to the dress shop if anyone wants to come' I'd think 'Nah, don't fancy that' and just not go. I wouldn't particularly see the need to reply to say as much.