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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel totally let down by my bridesmaid

388 replies

deathlyhallows · 07/10/2011 15:55

Ok so I am getting married next week and I have 3 lovely bridesmaids , 2 of whom have been fantastic and really been there for me. I am quite an independent person and have done mostly everything for myself but they have offered to do loads and of anything I have asked they have either done or been so apologetic if they couldn't . But the third ...

Has been so uninterested . Hasn't done one thing to help , has come to nothing unless it has to do with her (ie dress fittings hair and make up) and the wedding is next week and I have seen her a handful of times in the last 3 months . Whenever I text her about wedding stuff she either doesn't get back to me or texts me with a brief reply that doesn't help saying she's been busy at work and is too busy to think about it . And even on her days off she says she needs for herself cos she is so busy at work .

AIBU to think she should be making time for me ?

OP posts:
Joolyjoolyjoo · 07/10/2011 21:02

Sarah, just for you- do you know this one?:

yyur, yyub, icuryy4me

gapants · 07/10/2011 21:04

op Why did you choose her as your Bridesmaid? I had my 4 y old niece as mine and then an old Uni mate. My Uni mate came to my hen do in London and then came dress shopping with me twice. On both shopping occasions, I paid for our lunches, and I paid for us to have mani/pedis. She stayed with me the night before in a lux hotel where we got plastered. I paid. All of it was " would you like to...." rather than " I need you to..."

basically there were a couple of things she did and was an effort on her part- dress shopping and attending my hen do. But then there was nothing else I needed or wanted her to do. I picked her because I wanted her to know how much I loved her and how important she is to me. All of it was optional and she knew that.

Lastly, if you want to communicate with someone about something important CALL them don't TEXT

Original poster
deathlyhallows · 07/10/2011 21:06

Ok an example of something I have asked that she hasn't done - I asked her last week to let me know what hair extensions she wanted as I had to order them by today. I'm still waiting .

As for what I would like her to do . I would like to actually see her in the flesh before my wedding , and not for her to turn up on the day having been a distant memory for the last 3 months .

OP posts:
KittyFane · 07/10/2011 21:09

If someone asked me what hair extensions I wanted, I wouldn't reply either. :( yuk.

Joolyjoolyjoo · 07/10/2011 21:09

why do you have to order her hair extensions?? Can she not just get done with her hair what she wants and you pay/ reimburse her? (genuine question)

Dozer · 07/10/2011 21:10

You are classic OP. Think you should have some valium.

helpmabob · 07/10/2011 21:10

I was all set to say yabu but perhaps OP this is more about your friendship. Are you actually more upset that you have not seen your friend for ages and feel she has drifted from you and this upset is coming out in anger over bridesmaid duties.

KittyFane · 07/10/2011 21:11

Does she like this kind of stuff OP?

gapants · 07/10/2011 21:13

Have you called her? stop texting.

deathly how old are you please, if you don't mind me asking you?

This whole wedding day is the biggest day of my life is a fake cultural construct that some women buy into, and feed the industry. Money money money.

She has hurt you, and that is not nice, I get it, but talk to her.

Georgimama · 07/10/2011 21:16

In what way is the hair on her head unsatisfactory for your wedding?

If this is a wind up thread it is a much more skilful one than the 8 week old in the holiday creche.

cory · 07/10/2011 21:18

though not quite as good as the one who took her (seemingly average) child out of school because the teacher put her on a lower table in Yr 1

Georgimama · 07/10/2011 21:19

Not seen that one

Original poster
deathlyhallows · 07/10/2011 21:20

Hair extensions - the way they r getting their hair up is it up to them if they want them or not I'm not bothered its their own preference . As someone who has used hair extensions loads I offered to order them for them just to save them doing it that's all .

As for friendship , yeah tbh thats exactly what it's about i have actually just saw the clouds lift there !!

Imagine it's not a wedding , but anything that is really important to me . I don't know for example say I was starting my own business . I would expect her to take an interest , ask how I was getting on etc . Wouldn't you ? I would do that for her .

OP posts:
MooncupGoddess · 07/10/2011 21:21

Gosh - did she want hair extensions?

When I was a bridesmaid a few years ago I turned up for fittings, organised the hen do with the other bridesmaids and helped out on the morning before the wedding. That was it and it was good fun. If my friend had started sending me pointless texts re the wedding and then throwing strops when I didn't reply our relationship would have become really quite strained.

LikeABlackFlameCandleBNQ · 07/10/2011 21:22
MooncupGoddess · 07/10/2011 21:24

Yes but weddings are quite dull OP. Sorry. Maybe your friend is actually a polyamorist and objects to them on principle?

Original poster
deathlyhallows · 07/10/2011 21:25

I dont care if she wears hair extensions or shaves her head . She wanted them I offered to order then for her.

OP posts:
RollOnTheMum · 07/10/2011 21:25

I a similar thing. I have one bridesmaid (my best friend ever) who was just fantastic and an amazing support, but one who just literally turned up for dress fitting then wedding. She has always been like this, a very independent friend who does her own thing (lives abroad at the mo), but when we meet up - its brill. I just accept that some friends you can rely on like an arm or leg and others are a bit more detached and fairweather but you accept it and love them the same. :)

CupOfBrownJoy · 07/10/2011 21:26

fucking hair extensions???

Jesus, no wonder she's gone awol Sad

I overheard a conversation between two potential brides at the beauticians. they were non stop about what nails they were having, gel, acrylic or whatever else, when they needed back filling, experimenting with different colours, what type of fake tan they were having, whether fake bake comes off on your dress if its a hot day, hair colour and style.... On and on and on.

I was Shock

a) how vapid
b) who cares?
c) no wonder these weddings are so expensive.

No mention of the actual marriage, from either...

Original poster
deathlyhallows · 07/10/2011 21:30

Really ... ?!!! You have jumped On the hair extensions thing yet no one has commented on the thing about if it wasn't a wedding but another type of event ?

OP posts:
Original poster
deathlyhallows · 07/10/2011 21:31

And for the third time I don't care if she wears them she wanted to and I offered to order them

OP posts:
CupOfBrownJoy · 07/10/2011 21:31

But you haven't complained that she doesn't ask how you are every so often.

You have complained that she won't give up two weeks of her life to support you in wedding hell

Georgimama · 07/10/2011 21:32

If it was another type of event would you require a handmaiden? I don't understand the comparison. You starting a new business would not require her to attend dress fittings, I presume.

gapants · 07/10/2011 21:33

OP could you please respond to my questions-

have you called her, rather than texted her?
how old are you?

Also, it does seem shitty that she is not "there" for you, but you actually need to talk to her about it.

Georgimama · 07/10/2011 21:33

One week before your wedding I don't think it is good for you to be winding yourself up about the shortcomings of your bridesmaid, even if you are justified in being upset (which most of us think you are not). Try focusing on the man who will be your husband in one week's time.