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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to feel resentment over cliquey parents at school

421 replies

MothInMyKecks · 06/10/2011 17:39

Just left a kiddie's party, 4-5, where my little one was the only one to turn up. Angry, and he had a broken wrist so couldn't exactly join in on the bouncy castle. Birthday boy is 5 today and his little face broke my heart. He bounced madly for the best part of half the party whilst me and his Mum made small talk.

I know, I just fucking know that the clique of parents in this class made a decision to not go, because the child is a bit messy, doesn't speak (elective mute), his mother is a bit of a loner, he has no Dad, they're a bit skint. FFS, it was a party and no other kid turned up. I know some parents had to work etc, but I know this class and their parents and many fuckers decided to not go because he's not in the clique. Twating parents. If they could only have seen his face. I never imagined a 5 year old could be humiliated, but I saw it written all over his little face.

And his mother is brassick, totally skint, yet she'd paid out good money to pay for this. Table was laden with food and no fucker turned up.

Sorry - no doubt will get a flaming by some, but I don't feel the need to don a flame proof coat or hat because I'm boiling with anger already Sad

OP posts:
Floggingmolly · 06/10/2011 20:44

JustGettingonWithIt, [shocked] at the SENCO being one of the cliquey gang Sad

Georgimama · 06/10/2011 20:45

This is shockingly common.

DS only started school this term and of course small children blow hot and cold on each other as fast as the wind changes but so far the other parents seem fairly sane. One child had his birthday 2 weeks into term and the whole class was invited. DS had got into a squabble with one a couple of days ago (all a fuss about nothing, friends again the next day) and told me "X isn't coming to my party when it's my birthday". I informed him that either his whole class would be invited or none of them.

His excuse for this type of pettiness is that he is 4. Grown adults don't have that excuse.

pigletmania · 06/10/2011 20:45

Oh no general that is awful. Oh yes smallwhitecat your party sounds great Smile> I expect bonsoir would feel differently if it were here child that had the let down like that.

GeneralCustardsHardHat · 06/10/2011 20:45

Stewie aw thanks for the thought, DD is like me now because of it and doesn't really 'do' birthdays but thoughts like that are why I love MN. Thank you.

We don't 'do' parties in this household as a result. The kids get special days out with us and as they get older we'll start allowing them to invite a friend along. I'm not risking that again. I cannot put into words how upsetting it is and how much they've spoiled birthdays for this family.

I should add we moved this year which includes new school so I'm hoping things will change.

I say hoping before I read this thread :(

pigletmania · 06/10/2011 20:48

Oh no General don't think that way! You don't have to do whole class parties, just a few friends that your dd likes or gets on with and some from outside. I am guess we are lucky as the SENCO is the headmistress so is totally impartial.

RainboweBrite · 06/10/2011 20:49

I haven't read through the whole thread, but I am upset and furious too. What sort of an example are these adults setting their own children? What on earth is the world coming to? I would want nothing to do with such people either. Was the birthday boy's mother as aware of what had happened as you were?

TandB · 06/10/2011 20:50

What a horrible thing to do to a child.

If the bouncy castle is still up, my MIL and SIL and I would like to go and bounce on it with the birthday boy - we promise to bring a large selection of nice children of assorted ages, all bearing gifts and all ready to bounce and eat cake and be generally nice to him.

StewieGriffinsMom · 06/10/2011 20:51

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

rosycheeksandasmile · 06/10/2011 20:53

Definitely approach the class teacher. I would also speak to the more friendly of the mothers and get the word spread around as to how devasted the little boy was. This is terrible!

GeneralCustardsHardHat · 06/10/2011 20:55

Thats partly why we're doing things as we are. At the moment they're too young imo to really need a party party but as with our 'special days' and the concept of inviting a friend or two along we may do a tea party or bbq for a few of the children, we're still finding our feet at the new school so hopefully things will fall naturally into place. My kids are great at making friends, me, not so much, which perhaps is where we fell down in the old school.

Onwards and upwards.

StellaAndFries · 06/10/2011 20:58

That's so sad :(

I have a big circle of school mums friends and could be viewed as a clique but would never behave like that. The adults have acted like children.

whatsallthehullaballoo · 06/10/2011 21:00

Gosh I feel completely gutted reading about this. I can only imagine how this will stay with him forever, the feeling that he wasn't good enough to have friends turn up at his party...As a mother, it would have broken my heart and I would have been livid in the playground.

I what a horrible horrible thing to happen Sad

sneezecakesmum · 06/10/2011 21:02

I would put up an anon note at the school gate (discretely) thanking all the parents who didnt send their children to ..... party, I hope it makes you feel proud to have broken the heart of a 5 year old!

StewieGriffinsMom · 06/10/2011 21:04

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
MothInMyKecks · 06/10/2011 21:04

Yep - party bags, the lot Sad. She even gave me an extra one for my DH because it was a footie theme. Oh god!

PomBear I don't think you're being stalker-ish at all. That's a lovely thought. Thank you. I won't take your money though Smile

DH has suggested that the little one comes hear for tea after school next week. I've offered the Mum before, but she's never taken me up on it.

Another Mum-friend has just phoned me, really mortified with the text I'd sent. She'd RSVP'd in person last Monday - she had a funeral to go to and couldn't be back to take her girl to the party. I'm relieved as I really like this Mum.

As for the others.....Sad

OP posts:
MrsMeow · 06/10/2011 21:06

northernrock eccentric IMO means cool, mind of your own, don't give a toss what the latest crazes/fashions/'in' things are. Interesting to talk to, fun, Not a sheep!

Unfortunately most cliques are the opposite, and this is why people like these mums (and therefore their DC) are ostracised.

It's shit :(

MrsMeow · 06/10/2011 21:07

Ps, that's just my opinion!

AKMD · 06/10/2011 21:09

I'm crying and I don't even have pregnancy as an excuse :( How utterly awful for this poor little boy and his mum, I want to give them both a big hug!

minsmum · 06/10/2011 21:10

I am sitting here in tears too thinking about that poor child.
When my DS started school he had a party in reception and everyone came it was lovely. Then people started to realise he had sn, all the party invites dried up pretty quick. At 8 he wanted a party again, I think he thought he might get invited back.
So I organised the cake the venue etc while writing the invites I got a phone call from another mum asking me if I was having a party could she know the dates so we would't clash. I told her the invites would be going out on the monday she sent invites that day to all the children in the class barring my DS of course.
It is such a horrible feeling to know that there is nothing you can do to protect your child from this sort of thing. That poor woman but well done to you OP for caring

MissBetsyTrotwood · 06/10/2011 21:43

Oh, that poor poor child and his mum. What absolute arseholes.

We had something very similar happen at DS1's nursery. Nobody turned up from nursery apart from us. Fortunately, the child had a big family that supported his mum's hefty sized 'fuck 'em then' attitude.

And now? DS1 and this boy are still strong friends even though they're at different schools. They give each other a massive hug and kiss when they see each other and it makes me smile so hard my face aches.

Good for you for getting so angry. And I very much like the party bag idea. Grin

TheFeministsWife · 06/10/2011 21:45

Oh that poor child, and his mum. Sad What utter twats those parents are! Angry

TBH this is why I have NEVER held a birthday party for my 8 year old dd1 (possible ASD - being assessed tomorrow). In the 5 years she's been in school she's had 1 party invite and that was in reception. Sad I have a fear of this happening (I'm pretty sure it would TBH she's never been invited to anyone's house for tea either). So instead we plan days out for birthdays instead.

On the other hand dd2 (NT) has already had 4 party invites and she only started school a month ago.

pigletmania · 06/10/2011 21:47

minsmum Shock what a nasty horrid woman.

smallwhitecat · 06/10/2011 21:57

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Stickwithit · 06/10/2011 22:01

WTF is wrong with people? I just don't get how anyone can be so unkind / smug / cruel / inhuman (is that a word?!)

If DS had been invited to that party he would be there with bells on because that is what decent people do. Ostracising children for any reason is plain evil.

I am seething......

HumphreyCobbler · 06/10/2011 22:10

This is terrible Sad