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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to feel resentment over cliquey parents at school

421 replies

MothInMyKecks · 06/10/2011 17:39

Just left a kiddie's party, 4-5, where my little one was the only one to turn up. Angry, and he had a broken wrist so couldn't exactly join in on the bouncy castle. Birthday boy is 5 today and his little face broke my heart. He bounced madly for the best part of half the party whilst me and his Mum made small talk.

I know, I just fucking know that the clique of parents in this class made a decision to not go, because the child is a bit messy, doesn't speak (elective mute), his mother is a bit of a loner, he has no Dad, they're a bit skint. FFS, it was a party and no other kid turned up. I know some parents had to work etc, but I know this class and their parents and many fuckers decided to not go because he's not in the clique. Twating parents. If they could only have seen his face. I never imagined a 5 year old could be humiliated, but I saw it written all over his little face.

And his mother is brassick, totally skint, yet she'd paid out good money to pay for this. Table was laden with food and no fucker turned up.

Sorry - no doubt will get a flaming by some, but I don't feel the need to don a flame proof coat or hat because I'm boiling with anger already Sad

OP posts:
spiderslegs · 07/10/2011 05:53

Sorry - I just keep thinking of DS who is this age, can there not be another party?

Can no-one arrange it?

TheBride · 07/10/2011 05:55

Like they assumed that it was OK for them not to bother, because someone else will be there at the party?

Yup- it's the old Somebody, Everybody, Anybody and Nobody scenario- eg Everybody was asked to do something that Anybody could have done, but Everybody thought that Somebody would do it, and in the end Nobody did.

I suspect there was also an element of "Well I want to get home and can't be bothered to hang around for an hour after school" but, you know, that's actually still pretty lame- it's not like it's every day- and still unforgivable not to RSVP.

Original poster
MothInMyKecks · 07/10/2011 05:58

Last check in for today. Got to get on.

Right. I've realised that I've said something here that was less than true(about my work situation) and that I started a thread recently that gives different info - sorry - was trying to alter details (minor one's) so that I'm not outed. I've namechanged very recently because I was outed in RL, and didn't want it happening againBlush. I know some of the more savvy bloodhounds MN'ers will pick up on this, so thought I'd mention it now. I don't want anyone on this thread doubting what I've said because of this though, I couldn't make up this level or hurt.

Got to go now, have lots to do. I'll check back in later on if I've managed to find out or say something meaningful at the school today. Thank you to all who've replied - this topic has touched a nerve with us all. None of us want our children hurt Sad

OP posts:
Original poster
MothInMyKecks · 07/10/2011 06:00

Grrr level of hurt.

OP posts:
IvyAndGold · 07/10/2011 06:22

Poor lad :(

Let us know how it goes Moth. Hope you feel a bit better too.

ScarlettIsWalking · 07/10/2011 09:00

You sounds like a really caring person. I hope you being vocal to other parents about what happened to this little boy is the catalyst for a change in the way people treat him and his Mother. I really hope this publicly shames them and make them feel this small.

I also absolutely think the teacher should be aware of what happened to him.

porcamiseria · 07/10/2011 09:05

OH this has broken my heart!!!! and I am guessing we all feel same way

blast them, seriously. let them know how shit their behaviour way

god I watched 24 hours in A&E last night, then this OP, I CANT TAKE IT

Floggingmolly · 07/10/2011 09:07

Give 'em hell, Moth, still thinking of that poor little boy Sad

Misspixietrix · 07/10/2011 09:10

Bonsoir I'm assuming you read OP's post properly? Hmm children at pre-school/reception age are very good at instantaneously making friends, as I have witnessed a lot of recently, mainly because they don't judge, (parents however do!) so on that basis I very much doubt that all 30 children suddenly decided off their own backs that they didn't like the child in question? I feel for the mum & the little boy OP, I agree with the suggestion to bring it up with the school, as IMO it's a form of bullying x

AugustMoon · 07/10/2011 09:16

Bastards

reallytired · 07/10/2011 09:29

Bonsoir,

Clearly you have never been bullied. Prehaps you are one of these alpha mums with socially perfect kids. Do you really have so little empathy?

These were a bunch of five year olds without the social nouce tobe quite that nasty. A bunch of five year olds would have enjoyed a bouncy castle.

HecateGoddessOfTheNight, that is terrible. I live near you and I am shocked. Your son must have been heartbroken.

aldiwhore · 07/10/2011 09:30

There's no excuse for that. To be honest, if the boy in question didn't seem overly bothered then phew, close shave... but the poor bloody mum, how unsupported and utterly disrespected she must feel.

The problem when dealing with many, is that whoever you choose to speak to will simply pass the buck to someone else. I'd be tempted to put a note in the Reading Folders, not anything nasty, just a piece about how every child should feel valued, common courtesy, manners etc.,

The children are not at fault, the adults are.

Adversecamber · 07/10/2011 09:34

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LeQueen · 07/10/2011 09:35

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ElaineReese · 07/10/2011 09:37

Poor little bugger, I hope there's something you can do or say - that's heartbreaking.

Hardgoing · 07/10/2011 09:53

I am amazed by this for several reasons:

  1. If they are 4/5, they will have only just started school. Mine were doing just mornings at this stage. I certainly didn't know any of the other parents by this stage, I'm amazed a clique that powerful to prevent 29 parents going could have formed since Sep tbh.
  1. I would have no idea if a child in my dd2's class where she had been for a month was an elective mute or the mother was a single parent, I just wouldn't know this (I chat to people, but early on we just wittered about which preschool they went to etc). I only found out personal stuff much later on.
  1. Are you really really sure all 29 were invited with proper written invites? And was the party in a convenient place with no access issues? I have been to small parties (e.g. 7) where only three have turned up, but never never a class party where only 1 other has turned up.

I feel there must be another explanation for 29 other parents to simply not attend. Even a clique isn't that powerful, and what about all the parents like me, working who drop and run, who don't even know about these cliques? I would not assume it is a deliberate attack on an excluded child at this stage, I would chat in the playground to hear more about it. Most parents go out of their way to make sure children attend parties (although I can well believe that children with SN or behavioural issues aren't invited that much).

RogerMelly · 07/10/2011 09:56

my daughter is severely disabled and I was treated like an utter outcast :o and I washed and was educated. so I can well believe it

I think people think it might be catching

nailak · 07/10/2011 10:02

i still cant believe people actually think like this.....
a child is a child, and surely you want to support other mothers esp those with difficulties like single parenthood/sen child?

when you can see someones life is hard why would you want to make it harder?

is it some kind of "i only wan to be friends with people like me" sort of racism/classism/abilitism?

round here its no problem - we are all poor Grin

aldiwhore · 07/10/2011 10:09

Personally I don't think its an issue that's exclusive to parents who have children with SN, some adults are just plain rude, thoughtless and cruel.

Thoughtlessness isn't always an excuse either (unless met with a grovelling apology and some action to make up for it) as the affects can often be the same as simply being cruel.

Hardgoing I get what you're saying, however, when my kids started school parents made an effort to get to know each other VIA parties/invites... and cliques formed quickly. They changed a bit over the years though. Like you, I have no idea about various classmates' needs or abilities at face value, and many are 'unseen' however, once an SN is 'known about' it DOES become a source of gossip amongst some.

I only found out about one little boy's needs when my son struck up a friendship with him in Year 2 and I invited him for tea. His mum (lovely woman) poilitely declined a few times, but I badgered her (because I was being badgered) and she was almost apologetic, didn't want to add to playdate stress with his requirement etc., meh... I made her come too in the end and all was well, she's a good mate now. I think she was nervous/worried/frightened of judgement, and admits she withdrew her son from many activities for a while.

Hardgoing · 07/10/2011 10:18

Yes, Aldi, I'm not in any way trying to say that cliques don't exist, or that discrimination or bullying or subtle forms of exclusion don't happen to children with SN in mainstream schools, more that I'm surprised that it has happened at this time point, when most parents won't know the child that well and the first they hear of them is an invite in a bag (I drop off every morning, don't do pick up's and I still only know about half the children in my Y1 child's class by sight).

These early Reception parties are where you do get to start to know people, which is why it is surprising, and very sad, if something more concerted is going on.

Parties do get cancelled through lack of attendance, I know two friends who had small home-based parties, just inviting a handful of children, and that handful couldn't make it on that day, so they cancelled (not sure why the lady in the OP didn't cancel when she received only one reply). But 29 is a lot to all be cliquey and discriminatory and if that's really the case, having spoken to them in the playground, then I would up at the school having a word with the headteacher myself.

Loonytoonie · 07/10/2011 10:23

Hardgoing

OP says somewhere that she lives in Wales. Children receive state education from 3 years onwards there. So this, effectively is the beginning of their 3rd year there.

Loonytoonie · 07/10/2011 10:26

A friend of mine has the most beautiful girl. The most lovable face you'd see on a child. She really is an angel with the most gentle of personalities. She also has Down Syndrome. A parent of a child in the same class requested that she be moved from her daughter's class as she didn't want her "touching or being close" to her daughter.

Unbelievable. And this is only 3 or 4 years ago, not 30 or 40 years ago. The Headteacher (God love him) gave her short shrift and told her to remove herself and her disgusting view from his school. When the Mother threatened to move her daughter, he replied "we'll survive".

Hardgoing · 07/10/2011 10:35

Loony, that makes more sense. If I honestly thought that the parents had concertedly got together and decided not to attend/there was negative talk about this child, then I would go to the school. Perhaps they need to get the parents in or do more outreach work to help them understand differences. And I am amazed none of the children said 'can I go to X's party?' Mine all blather on and on about them for weeks, I'm sure they would want to attend any child's party, if it has really spread to the children too, I would go in to raise this as a diversity/inclusion issue (and it might make the OP feel a bit better about doing something). Perhaps people need to be shamed into behaving better.

jeee · 07/10/2011 10:36

Bonsoir, shunning is all too often synonomous with bullying.

Loonytoonie · 07/10/2011 10:46

I agree Hardgoing, but before the OP flies in raging (no offence meant OP, I'd be behind you all the way) perhaps check first to see what happened? Is it worth asking the Mum who was invited? Although, I s'pose I'd be reluctant to keep the issue alive with her if she was feeling hurt by this indifference.

Actually, that's it isn't it? Even if no-one actively got together to shun this party, it's the sheer indifference here that's painful. So, so sad Sad