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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Would you send your kid to a bday party without a present?

155 replies

whatever17 · 05/10/2011 18:30

If it was a v v v close friend I might say "I know it's not your DCs bday till whenever - is it OK if I drop his present in on the day?"

If it's a bday party I would send my kid with £10 in a card (aged 12). Or £5 in a card. But not nothing. Even if they turned up with a Mars Bar I wouldn't think anything.

I recently had a bday party (which cost about £45 per kid) for my DS and 2 kids from the same family turned up with nothing and said "Mum will drop his present round tmw" I said "how lovely to see you! Come in!" One of the kids from the same family same to DCs party last year empty handed.

TBH I would rather they turned up as they are good mates. I know their financial circumstances aren't great, but nor are mine. I also know that they eat out a lot and do an expensive hobby (which I won't name) at least twice a month.

I just wouldn't have the brass neck to send my kid with nothing.

OP posts:
Original poster
whatever17 · 05/10/2011 23:19

I wonder if those of you saying that I am BU do send your kids to parties with nothing.

Do your kids mind turning up empty handed, are they embarrassed or just brass faced about it?

OP posts:
lenny101 · 05/10/2011 23:19

Yep I would and do all the time, but never without a homemade card; cheaper and unique. I always assume it's my kids that are invited, not my kids and a present. I'll not be expecting an invite from you anytime soon.

Original poster
whatever17 · 05/10/2011 23:20

Maryz - do you host children's parties or just wait for invites?

OP posts:
Original poster
whatever17 · 05/10/2011 23:21

lenny101 - bet you never host parties.

OP posts:
tyaca · 05/10/2011 23:33

sounds like you just don't like the mum? if it were a different mum amongst your circle of friends, would you be quite so wound up? It does come across as quite grabby tbh

Glitterandglue · 05/10/2011 23:38

If I was a kid whose parents couldn't afford a present, I would be way more embarrassed to turn up with 50p or a Mars bar. That draws attention to the fact that either your parents don't want to spend money on the birthday kid, or you haven't got any money. Just not bringing anything or awkwardly saying, "Oh, mum'll drop it round later," (when you know full well she won't) is much easier socially because I think the vast majority of people (evidently not the OP) wouldn't even notice that, much less overthink it to this extent.

Also, it is normal for parents of 12 year olds to send thanks afterwards to the parent of another 12 year old's birthday party? Surely the kids say thanks themselves on the day (or don't - in any case, it's not the parent who came)?

Original poster
whatever17 · 05/10/2011 23:43

Glitter - it was a really full on day - I think a text to say that so and so enjoyed themselves is fine.

OP posts:
Original poster
whatever17 · 05/10/2011 23:46

Also - what about a kid who eats out 3 times a week and goes horse racing twice a month but doesn't have a bday card between 2 kids?

OP posts:
Glitterandglue · 05/10/2011 23:50

Well, I think it's fine too, but I wouldn't expect it. Maybe for a younger kid, but by 12 surely then they are capable of interacting with adults on an adult-ish level. Y'know, like going to see the teacher themselves at school first if they have a problem rather than immediately telling mum or dad and getting them to do so, as they would usually do at primary school.

I guess I'm thinking, if kids are still at the age where they're being dropped off/picked up to parties (apart from those close enough where they could walk from home) then usually you'd get a thanks from the parent when they do pickup (unless going with someone else's parent in which case a text afterwards would make sense), and usually a prompt to get the kid to say thanks if they forget. But if they're old enough to get themselves there (as they should be at 12) then they're also old enough to be responsible for their own social niceties, so the parent shouldn't come into it.

Original poster
whatever17 · 06/10/2011 00:01

Dunno - I will try to be less mean spirited - mum says that I spend far too much on my kids in relation to my income.

I just think bdays are really special. I have no qualms with saying to the kids - xmas is lean this year.

OP posts:
Poeteats4gals · 06/10/2011 01:11

Ideally we get the present first but if beating the clock and outta time?? I have found it's best to be honest with the birthday kid directly ..face to face down at their level and say "Sorry but it's on its way " Then we put it right and get the card and present knowing she has already has a wooden puzzle.

We have enjoyed the party without the frazzle factor(on a hot baking day) of people pleasing and everyone wins(with love and honesty).

Busy young Mums are soaks for stress and it's so hard to get stress out of our bodies , so try not to put it in there and educate kids about the health reasons for not arriving with a present(on this occasion!).

Kids learn life is not perfect but as good as it can be on the day. They respect your honesty but it's not a first aim(i.e. to do this).

flyingspaghettimonster · 06/10/2011 02:46

I hope you haven't mentioned 'con job' to your son. When I was a kid my mother went on and on about how the three kids I invitged from one family all came with one gift split into three packages - a pencil case, pencils, felt tips etc. She acted like it was really cheeky and upset me a lot because that was my favourite gift of all of them and I still remember the set to this day, and Mum's response. So be careful what you say in front of your son as it might make him feel bad when he wasn't before...

Morloth · 06/10/2011 04:21

God, if someone turned up to one of my DS's birthday parties without a gift I would give them a great big hug, a kiss and a resounding THANK YOU for not adding to the pile of fucking junk that just seems to breed.

The presents were one of the reasons I hesitate to let DS have a party this year.

NO. MORE. STUFF.

skybluepearl · 06/10/2011 04:22

I don't think how much you spent is important but i do think it's mean not to send along a gift. I love giving gifts though despite not having much money.

ragged · 06/10/2011 05:35

Yanbu, :), because OP knows the parents could afford it, they just couldn't be arsed. And I have a nearly 12yo who is going to cost us about 20 quid/head for his party this year (combat adventure thing), so I know how easily it can add up. We are limiting DS to 6 or 8 guests, too.

I think I read that OP's DS didn't really notice or mind, and thank goodness for that, at least.

Bubbaluv · 06/10/2011 05:52

Have only read the OP, but what they did sounds totally fine to me. It was a kid's party not a royal engagement, so IMHO protacol can be rather relaxed.
Chill out.
Your DC will probably never notice and that's how it should be.
YABU.

seeker · 06/10/2011 05:57

Once again, my children let me down in the eyes of Mumsnet. They LOVE a bin bag full of presents after a party!

Wouldn't be upset if somebody didn't bring one, though!

Morloth · 06/10/2011 06:12

Oh DS1 loves a good haul of presents. But I am a grumpy cow and want to keep it all in the bin bag and then proceed to the bin.

Fucking stuff, I chuck it out and it comes back, WHERE DOES IT COME FROM? HOW DOES IT GET HERE?

Can you tell I am currently in mumsnetting packing to move yet again...

Maryz · 06/10/2011 08:46

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

yippeekaiyay · 06/10/2011 09:44

YABU and pretty vile actually OP

I am in financial dire straits and there have been occasions where I have sent ds to parties with just a card.

Its mortifying. Made worse by knowing there are mums with disgusting attitudes like yours about.

NoBrainer · 10/10/2011 19:30

whatever17 I think you are getting a bit of a hard time on here. OK so we know lots of people don't have much money at the moment, a present isn't about the cost but the thought from the sender, it could be homemade and cost nothing and that, I'm sure you would agree, would be lovely. If someone turns up with nothing, not even a card, then I think that is really rude.

Similar thing happened to me recently from a friend, who is financially very well off, but a bit "busy" at the moment (aren't we all, I've 3 kids!). I have helped her out an awful lot over the last year and recently her son came to a party with no present. No explanation given. I felt quite insulted, although my son didn't notice. I come from a poor family and we've always taken presents to parties no matter how small, I think it is common courtesy.

lesstalkmoreaction · 10/10/2011 19:39

This is a high school age child, at that age the kids often don't even do cards, let alone presents, they just want to spend time with their mates.
My 2 girls go to parties and especially since year 8 presents really aren't expected and if they are its down to the kids to choose them for their friends often buying them with their pocket money hence some kids get presents some don't, its no big deal. Most only give presents to their closest friends in school on their actual birthday.

warthog · 10/10/2011 19:42

YANBU!

it's courtesy and an acknowledgement of the effort you've made, to make a very small effort in return. just manners! nothing to do with money. homemade card / recycled even would be good. i love homemade cards - more special than shop-bought.

and to whoever said you were a fool for spending all that money on the kids, i think they're mean-spirited. i think it's a really nice thing that you did for them and i bet they had a great day.

imagine how lovely it would be if we all made such an effort, saving up, and giving the kids a great time.

and hats off too, for inviting your ex-dh and his squeeze. above and beyond call of duty and they clearly appreciated it.

NoBrainer · 10/10/2011 21:41

lesstalkmoreaction my kids are younger, so I guess I don't really know what happens as they get older. Maybe you are right in that they don't give presents then.

shewhowines · 10/10/2011 22:16

I think everyone has been giving the op an unreasonable hard time. She has said time and time again it is the thought that counts not the monetary cost. A card is a gesture and would have been appreciated- even a home made one. It's general politeness. Most people have said they wouldn't do it themselves but appreciate that not everybody can afford it. That's all the op has said really.