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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Would you send your kid to a bday party without a present?

155 replies

whatever17 · 05/10/2011 18:30

If it was a v v v close friend I might say "I know it's not your DCs bday till whenever - is it OK if I drop his present in on the day?"

If it's a bday party I would send my kid with £10 in a card (aged 12). Or £5 in a card. But not nothing. Even if they turned up with a Mars Bar I wouldn't think anything.

I recently had a bday party (which cost about £45 per kid) for my DS and 2 kids from the same family turned up with nothing and said "Mum will drop his present round tmw" I said "how lovely to see you! Come in!" One of the kids from the same family same to DCs party last year empty handed.

TBH I would rather they turned up as they are good mates. I know their financial circumstances aren't great, but nor are mine. I also know that they eat out a lot and do an expensive hobby (which I won't name) at least twice a month.

I just wouldn't have the brass neck to send my kid with nothing.

OP posts:
Greensleeves · 05/10/2011 19:05

lol at "a home-made card and a banana"

you are LOOPY

Original poster
whatever17 · 05/10/2011 19:05

heggarty - I am responding to things as they come up on the posts.

OP posts:
Original poster
whatever17 · 05/10/2011 19:07

Greensleeves - I don't think I am. Perhaps not a banana - but a 50p piece? Or a card between them? Just a gesture (sp?)

OP posts:
happygilmore · 05/10/2011 19:07

But if it's not a monetary thing, why did you talk about their expensive hobbies and how much the party cost?

slavetofilofax · 05/10/2011 19:08

I don't think you're being unreasonable.

I would never send my child to a party without a present, and I would find it a bit wierd if someone came to ds's party without a present.

If someone truly can't afford it, then they are free to say that and of course it would be understood and then forgotten about. The child would still be very welcome. But to say nothing is just rude.

Original poster
whatever17 · 05/10/2011 19:10

worral - I just thought - £90 on the same family - and a day off from their kids - I am sure they could spare a £1 on a card.

OP posts:
Greensleeves · 05/10/2011 19:12

I am quite shocked that anyone thinks if you can't afford to bring a present then you should explicitly "own up" to the host

WHY?!?!? Does it matter so much? Does your child need another piece of tat so desperately that it's worth humiliating people over?

I have never counted presents tbh, they get chucked in a corner until after the party. They are an extra treat, not an expectation. But jesus, by some of the posts on here you would think they were the equivalent of a ticket to get in Hmm

deaconblue · 05/10/2011 19:13

Is this the same party you didn't want ds' step mother to attend. Iirc everyone told you you were being unreasonable about that too.
What does it matter who brings what if your son enjoyed their company?

Original poster
whatever17 · 05/10/2011 19:14

happygilmore - I said so to try to illustrate that they are able to do things that are expensive and therefore I would assume they are choosing not to send a card.

I mentioned the price of the party cos I just thought with 2 kids from the same family I personally would feel double, bubble pressure to send something. I also had twins at the party who brought a card each and £5 each and I thought that was great.

It is kind of accepted in our bday party circle, council estate, 12 year olds, that there is a card and a £5 or £10 note in the card.

OP posts:
insanityscratching · 05/10/2011 19:14

One of my dd's best friends didn't come to her party because her mum couldn't afford a present. Dd was heartbroken because she wanted her friend there neither she nor I would have expected a present but her mum didn't feel she could send her dd without one. She sent a message saying her dd was ill but then her dd told my dd later the real reason Sad I never realised that people noticed what presents were given, I certainly don't and send all guests a "thank you for making my birthday special" note rather than any mention of a gift (or not) whichever they choose.

twinklytroll · 05/10/2011 19:15

It is rather vulgar to invite children to a party just so they can get gifts. Perhaps in future you should check the bank balance of your children's friend's parents so you do not feel dissapointed again

Original poster
whatever17 · 05/10/2011 19:15

shoppingbags - it is the same party that I aired my unhappiness that SM was coming too. And then said that you had all been correct and that the party had been great and that she had been a great help.

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thruppence · 05/10/2011 19:19

I've done it Blush.

It was my friend's DS's 3rd birthday. Tea and cake in the garden. DH had taken my car that day and ds1 got a lift and DS2 came with me on my bike. With all the caffuffle I completely forgot the gift which I had bought. Apologised and said I would drop it round the next day but never got round to it.

Found it last week in a drawer Blush. I do feel bad about it but we're still friends so I'm just hoping she accepts my slap dashness.

Original poster
whatever17 · 05/10/2011 19:19

twinkly - I know that we are all in roughly the same financial situation. I was surprised, rather than disappointed. And wondered how many of you also send your children to bday parties empty handed.

I would certainly rather that the children came, as they did.

OP posts:
Original poster
whatever17 · 05/10/2011 19:22

thruppence - slapdash is different to deciding not to send a gift, as evidenced by last year too.

I have been thinking about doing the same at their kids' parties this year but I just can't. I think their children and wouldn't want them to go without a gift.

I also couldn't embarrass my son by sending him empty handed.

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Original poster
whatever17 · 05/10/2011 19:22

Maybe I am old fashioned, I wouldn't go to a friend's house empty handed, I would take flowers or cakes.

OP posts:
ChaoticAngelofSamhain · 05/10/2011 19:24

I had a party for my DS one year and a friend of his turned up without a card or a present. Did my DS care? No, he didn't, he was just pleased that his friend had turned up.

Greensleeves · 05/10/2011 19:27

"empty-handed"

is anyone else pissing themselves laughing?

Original poster
whatever17 · 05/10/2011 19:27

Chaotic - but WHY did the friend turn up with nothing? None of us are too skint to buy a chocolate bar. It is not that the DC wants it - just why turn up with nothing?

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Original poster
whatever17 · 05/10/2011 19:28

Greensleeves - I don't get it.

OP posts:
unfitmother · 05/10/2011 19:28

That's really sad insanity, clearly that attitude is not uncommon judging by the OP, and others who think a present is obligatory.

Greensleeves · 05/10/2011 19:29

"It is not that the DC wants it - just why turn up with nothing?"

If the child doesn't want it - then what is it for? And why have you got your knickers in a twist about it?

happygilmore · 05/10/2011 19:31

But it's not about you though, it was your son's birthday and he didn't even notice..

Maybe they should have bought you a bottle of wine or some flowers instead?

twinklytroll · 05/10/2011 19:31

I agree greensleeves.

I cannot remember if we have ever turned up at a party empty handed, we may have as we have been through some very difficult financial times. I hope my dd has never been an unwanted guest because her parents were broke.

Grumpla · 05/10/2011 19:31

It genuinely wouldn't bother me. I would assume that either the family couldn't afford it or had forgotten. Either way, having been skint / forgetful in the past myself, I wouldn't mind.