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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Would you send your kid to a bday party without a present?

155 replies

whatever17 · 05/10/2011 18:30

If it was a v v v close friend I might say "I know it's not your DCs bday till whenever - is it OK if I drop his present in on the day?"

If it's a bday party I would send my kid with £10 in a card (aged 12). Or £5 in a card. But not nothing. Even if they turned up with a Mars Bar I wouldn't think anything.

I recently had a bday party (which cost about £45 per kid) for my DS and 2 kids from the same family turned up with nothing and said "Mum will drop his present round tmw" I said "how lovely to see you! Come in!" One of the kids from the same family same to DCs party last year empty handed.

TBH I would rather they turned up as they are good mates. I know their financial circumstances aren't great, but nor are mine. I also know that they eat out a lot and do an expensive hobby (which I won't name) at least twice a month.

I just wouldn't have the brass neck to send my kid with nothing.

OP posts:
Original poster
whatever17 · 05/10/2011 19:33

If someone invited me round for a dinner party I would take dessert, flowers or wine.

If it was a super close friend I might confess to being too skint, otherwise I think it is just good manners.

OP posts:
Original poster
whatever17 · 05/10/2011 19:38

I think you are being obtuse - I just have too much pride to send my child to a party without a token. If I was up against the wall financially I would re-gift a teddy or unused toy.

I know these people have a lot of meals out and expensive activities and could have afforded a card, they just chose not to.

And I would far rather that their kids attended than didn't.

OP posts:
happygilmore · 05/10/2011 19:39

But if your son isn't bothered, why should you be? genuine question

unfitmother · 05/10/2011 19:40

I don't think it's good manners to moan after spending too much money.

Original poster
whatever17 · 05/10/2011 19:44

It's the lack of a polite gesture that annoys me. She didn't even text me to say "cheers". After the party I dropped her kids off and her son turned up back at ours, when my son had gone off to his Dad's. I said "DC isn't here, go home" he said "my parents' aren't home, you said 5pm" it was about 4.50 - I said OK. I texted her about 5.30 and said "so and so is here - you home yet?" she said "yeah" - not thanks, not nothing.

And now you will shoot me down for wondering about a "DC had a great day, cheers".

OP posts:
Original poster
whatever17 · 05/10/2011 19:46

unfit - I am not moaning about the money - it's the manners. I saved up and planned for the bday party. The more well off parents said to me (as they have all had the same paintballing party) - shall we send money. I said - no, it's on me, fill your boots, cool. And I mean it.

OP posts:
happygilmore · 05/10/2011 19:48

But of course you should pay for your own son's party!!

Pavlovthecat · 05/10/2011 19:50

In response to your question, no I would not turn up to the party without a present, unless I had something in the pipeline for the birthday itself, if a close friend.

However, in return, I would not expect presents from anyone at my children's parties. I do not invite them for presents, I host a party because I want my children to celebrate their birthday with friends and family members, eat lots of cake, dance and play games, not to receive gifts.

So I guess, yes YABU to moan about someone who you have stated you know struggles financially not bringing a present. And if they chose to spend whatever cash they do have on a take-away or restuarant meal, that is none of your business.

£45 per head? you should have cut that down to £5 per head and bought your child their own extra presents.

Original poster
whatever17 · 05/10/2011 19:52

happy - of course I paid for my son's party - and happily, what do you mean?

OP posts:
theladyintheyellowhat · 05/10/2011 19:53

I wouldn't turn up to a childrens party without a present, but!

I think it is so much more important to have the child there, than to stay home because they didn't have a present.

Its my childs birthday next week and i'm throwing a party for her, children get SO much for birthdays these days i'm sure I would rather have one of her friends there than have an extra present she might never even play with???

Original poster
whatever17 · 05/10/2011 19:55

OIC - happygimore - the kids that DS is having bday parties with are all into paintballing. It is so expensive and the kids love it so much that we have all agreed to send £10 with our own kids on the day to buy their own extra paintballs. I sent my own kid with £10 extra but the last mum to do the p/balling said that half sent their kids with money and half didn't.

Therefore I said - do not bring money, any of you.

They are all mad about it and all the mums have agreed that it is v fucking expensive.

OP posts:
AnyoneButLulu · 05/10/2011 19:55

I wouldn't go without a present, but DCs have had the occasional friend who turns up without one over the year - it's no big deal.

But have I misread your later post? Are you saying that your DS's father didn't get him a present? Seriously? Is this not a slightly bigger issue? Or have I misunderstood?

Original poster
whatever17 · 05/10/2011 20:01

Anyone - No DS's father has said he will get him a laptop for xmas/bday - we will see. Ex-DH also talked me into an £80 bag of paintballs (which he would "send me some cash for" - haven't seen it).

I paid for DS's Dad to play, he brought his partner (a nice woman - on the scene for 8 years) to be fair they brought the cake, and sandwiches for the 3 of us (I paid for pizzas for all the kids) and Cola for the kids. To date the Dad has only paid normal (£50 pw) maintenance.

At the end ex-DH and his partner said "thanks for inviting us".

OP posts:
unfitmother · 05/10/2011 20:04

I thought that too.

itsstillgood · 05/10/2011 20:05

I'm obviously extremely lucky as it is a frequent practice among my dss' friends to request no presents, but to suggest a £1 donation (towards something which ends up costing about £25 and is ideally linked to the party theme) if people want to bring something and no one bats an eyelid.
The result is you end up with lots of home made cards and small handmade gifts as people come up with novel ways to pass on the £1 (eg neck purses with the money in) which is lovely, I usually make up and send a set of personalised stationery (work in dtp).

Original poster
whatever17 · 05/10/2011 20:14

I just think it's a matter of pride, everyone has a fiver. Even if they have to deny themselves a takeaway or a flutter on the horses.

OP posts:
TidyDancer · 05/10/2011 20:17

So because someone doesn't bring your child a birthday present, they have no pride? That's some pretty screwy logic.

happygilmore · 05/10/2011 20:18

But it doesn't seem that many people agree with you, does it?

youarekidding · 05/10/2011 20:19

I agree with what cat64 said. I couldn't work out why I fell this way either.

PreviouslyonLost · 05/10/2011 20:22

OP your DC's are older than mine and I await the very expensive 'activity' Birthday years with bated breath. I have explicitly said over past few years NO presents are expected when asking parents to bring their DC's to a Birthday party...cards however are very welcome. Doesn't stop me from buying a gift when our DC's attend a party tho' Hmm

There seems to be some contradictory etiquette surrounding children's gift giving that I have yet to give a flying fuck thought to; either the pressies are opened there and then (and the parent hasn't a clue who they're from later on) or the presents are stacked up and taken home to be opened later...either way it seems a lot of 'stuff' on one day that is either tossed aside or forgotten about because of the sheer volume of gifts.

I LOVE the homemade cards, and would prefer someone bringing shop bought cupcakes or other edible delight rather than a toy or money, the DC's don't care a jot...they're usually too high on the excitement to give a flying fuck care Smile.

heggertyhaggerty · 05/10/2011 20:28

I was explaining someone else's comment, not making it myself, just to be clear.

For what it's worth the parents do sound quite rude.

It's hard though to judge whether they could afford it and are being tight, or can't afford it because you say in the OP their financial circumstances aren't great (and neither are yours - yet you paid several hundred for this party?) yet you also say they can afford expensive hobbies and treats etc.

I'm confused about whether they can afford gifts or not.

I think the text sounds ungrateful though and it's horrid if you ended up putting their child up for longer than you intended because they had fucked off for the day.

UsingPredominantlyTeaspoons · 05/10/2011 20:29

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ChaoticAngelofSamhain · 05/10/2011 20:31

OP I have no idea why he turned up with nothing, I didn't really know the family. All I know was that my son was happy to see his friend.

curlyredhair · 05/10/2011 20:37

Personally I would never send my child empty handed, but that said, we have sent some very cheap gifts sometimes.
Several children turned up without presents last year to dd's party, but we do live in a very mixed area financially (some really rich and others not so) so I didn't really think anything of it. What mattered was that all my dd's friends showed up and enjoyed themselves. Surely that's what parties are all about.

Harecare · 05/10/2011 20:44

In a few years none of your DS male friends will buy him presents as in general boys don't buy each other presents - or at least they didn't at my school. Maybe the Mum left it to the DCs? Maybe she even gave them the cash or left it up to them from their pocket money?
If your son wants to be miffed at his friend then let him, but you are being completely unreasonable.
By the way, not everyone has a fiver. I have over 20 nephews and nieces I try to send presents of under a fiver to. We have 3 parties in the next 3 weeks alone and DD1 has only just started school. I know the kids will already have everything they need and will get too many presents from other party goers. I will give them something, but it will be something small e.g. a book for £3 unless I know what they want/need. A 12 year old may not be happy with that, so it would be a waste to give anything if I couldn't afford £5 cash.
At what point do you let DCs be responsible for their own present giving? Or would you never give them that responsibility in case they showed you up?

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