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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Would you send your kid to a bday party without a present?

155 replies

whatever17 · 05/10/2011 18:30

If it was a v v v close friend I might say "I know it's not your DCs bday till whenever - is it OK if I drop his present in on the day?"

If it's a bday party I would send my kid with £10 in a card (aged 12). Or £5 in a card. But not nothing. Even if they turned up with a Mars Bar I wouldn't think anything.

I recently had a bday party (which cost about £45 per kid) for my DS and 2 kids from the same family turned up with nothing and said "Mum will drop his present round tmw" I said "how lovely to see you! Come in!" One of the kids from the same family same to DCs party last year empty handed.

TBH I would rather they turned up as they are good mates. I know their financial circumstances aren't great, but nor are mine. I also know that they eat out a lot and do an expensive hobby (which I won't name) at least twice a month.

I just wouldn't have the brass neck to send my kid with nothing.

OP posts:
UniS · 05/10/2011 20:54

YABU

As you said you want them to turn up , they are mates. Its not about presents.

NorfolkBroad · 05/10/2011 20:56

Whatever17. YABU. No I wouldn't be annoyed at all. I think that is a perfectly reasonable thing to say and if you KNOW the parents are very strapped for cash i would have thought you would have been more understanding.

I'll never forget someone I know who had a party for her twin boys. Each invited their ENTIRE class (so 70 kids -I am serious!). She was livid because one person did not bring a present. They could barely fit all the gifts they did receive in the car. It was obscene.

Original poster
whatever17 · 05/10/2011 20:59

Norfolk - it could have been a homemade card or a Mars Bar between the 2 kids - it wasn't about money - just manners.

Everyone but her (the mother of those 2 kids texted to say their kids had had a great day).

OP posts:
Original poster
whatever17 · 05/10/2011 21:01

Harecare - whilst they are under my roof I will make sure they turn up to every dinner, bday, party with something - even if it is a flower from our garden.

OP posts:
NorfolkBroad · 05/10/2011 21:07

Yes, OP I do understand what you are saying about the gesture being more important. Also, if she does send them repeatedly then it would be annoying I agree.

NorfolkBroad · 05/10/2011 21:07

Sorry, repeatedly with nothing at all, even a homemade card I mean.

Original poster
whatever17 · 05/10/2011 21:08

Sigh - whatever

OP posts:
Original poster
whatever17 · 05/10/2011 21:09

Norfolk - or just a little word in my ear saying "soz, mate" - I wouldn't have thought anything.

OP posts:
NorfolkBroad · 05/10/2011 21:11

Umm! I was sort of agreeing with you there! Nevermind.

2gorgeousboys · 05/10/2011 21:13

I've had to do this on one occasion this year. DS1 was invited to a party and a payment I was not expecting went out the day before the party and I could not afford to get a present.

I took DS1 to the party, told the birthday boy and mum I was really sorry I'd forgotten the present and would drop it off Blush I felt really bad but was too embarrassed to say could not afford it (especially as birthday child's dad is our bank manager!)

I did however buy a really nice present and drop it off with an apology a couple of days later.

Harecare · 05/10/2011 21:14

Really? I think I'd like my children to be more independent. I'll teach them good manners, but at some point I would like to be confident enough to leave them to it.
So if everyone else texted and gave presents then it is clear that either your friend hates you and wants to piss you off, she forgot, left it up to her kids or she has other things going on in her life right now that you have no knowledge of. Either way she is probably not wasting her thoughts on the matter and for you to waste your thoughts on it is just that - a waste. Forgive, forget, move on.
Or, continue to be unreasonably angry about it.

Indaba · 05/10/2011 21:15

May be I am old fashioned.....but I thought birthday parties were about birthday child having a good time with their friends...nothing more or less

I think this thread is a wind up.

Or at least I hope it is.

RainboweBrite · 05/10/2011 21:20

Never! In fact, I would rather decline an invitation than send my child to someone's party without a present for the birthday boy/girl. I would only make an exception if it was family/very close friends and we mutually arranged to give them their present on the day of their birthday.

Inertia · 05/10/2011 21:32

Personally I always make sure a present goes to the party child, but would be fine if a child arrived without a gift to my DCs party.

Sounds as though the paintballing costs are getting out of hand though, and you have been stung this time. Your Ex is taking the piss - I would be far far more angry that he turned up with no present for his child and had the cheek to then swindle 80 quid from you . Your ire seems a bit misplaced to me.

DeWe · 05/10/2011 21:36

Actually I think a child that age would find it much harder to turn up with a small gift that they feel looks mean than use the excuse "we'll drop it in tomorrow".

"They came to my party and only gave me a mars bar" I think would get more nasty comments at school than "they said they'd drop it in tomorrow but haven't yet".

I would look at that as a face saving and it wouldn't worry me at all.

We did discuss saying "no presents" at one of dd's parties, but we eventually same to the conclusion that some people would bring presents anyway, and then you've got the embarrassment of the people who did as you asked wondering if they should bring something. Would not worry me at all (except possibly worrying I'd lost it for Thank you letters if they didn't say something, which is possibly why they felt they had to say something)

SenoritaViva · 05/10/2011 21:43

I don't know that I would judge others who arrived without one but I would feel v embarrassed at sending DD to a party with nothing. Yes she's only 4 but even some baked biscuits, or if I was terribly disorganised (quite likely!) I would say we will drop one around and I would...

chicletteeth · 05/10/2011 22:07

I wouldn't, no. But then I'm organised and not short of cash!
That said, I would hate for a child not to come to any of my DSs parties simply because they couldn't afford/hadn't gotten around to buying one.

exoticfruits · 05/10/2011 22:23

No I wouldn't -but it wouldn't bother me if they didn't and if I had one where I asked the whole class I would ask them not to bring one at all-how does one DC need 30 presents? (not that I would even think of the whole class) I also wouldn't spend £45 per DC!

soverylucky · 05/10/2011 22:30

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SexualHarrassmentPandaPop · 05/10/2011 22:38

I would take dd to a party if I couldn't afford a gift. I would make sure I got the child one once I had the money though. I would be more embarrassed to turn up with 50p or a Mars bar than nothing tbh.
I had a big b'day party for my daughter when she was 3. There were about 30 kids plus parents there. I invited quite a few from the toddler group she went to and there was a new woman there with her son. I felt bad that she was left out so I told her to come along too if she was free. She said she would have to bring her younger child too and I said that was OK. She turned up with both kids and her older daughter with 5 of her friends saying 'they can wait outside if you like' 'no' I said 'it's fine' not wanting there to be unpleasantness at the party. The teenage girls ransacked the buffet and commandeered the bouncy castle so the little ones couldn't get on. When dd opened her presents we found out that mother was the only one who hadn't bought a present. That pissed me off a bit because she was obviously just taking the piss. If one of her other friends had come without a present though I wouldn't have minded at all.

tifflins · 05/10/2011 23:02

I can see where you're coming from OP - it's about politeness and standards, isn't it. I would not turn up at a childrens party without a gift, however small. Although saying that, if somebody came to my DS party with just a card and no present, it wouldn't really bother me. But to come completely empty-handed is just plain rude.

CocktailQueen · 05/10/2011 23:11

Nope, would never send child without gift. If was totally strapped for cash would not send my child. But would always have something in present cupboard therefore not send child with his arms hanging But £45 per child????????????????????????????????????? Shock wow! What was it - mining for real gold or something??

foreverondiet · 05/10/2011 23:11
Biscuit

More fool you for spending £45 per child.

Kids often don't bring present, often brought to school later, or sometimes the parent forgets or given on actual birthday.

Parties not about presents. Presents often cheap tat. I'd prefer if no-one bothered with presents at all.

WalkHomeBitches · 05/10/2011 23:13

do you mean they turned up with nothing or with a card

even if i am rushed for parties and things i would never send my DD with nothing even £10-£20 in a card is nothing

then i normally feel guilty so i drop off a present at the end of the party :)

Maryz · 05/10/2011 23:14

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.