To have a baby at 45?

[Hope88]

I am thinking about having another child. But I would like to have a bigger gap between children which means I would be getting near 45. If it all goes well. Do you think it's selfish to have a child at 45? I just think I would be a better mother if I wait opposed to rushing into it and being really stressed out. Your thoughts please.

what a bizarre turn this thread has taken.

And FWIW, my mum was 43 when she had me and I had no GP as they had all died. However, I had DS2 aged 39 and both DS's have 3 grandparents, including my 80+ year old parents. Sadly the only GP that died before either of them were born was their paternal GF who died aged 56 of cancer. In fact DH's parents were at the other extreme and had him when they were both 17.

So age really means very little.

Why is it 'better' pink4ever - who said so? I am going to make a much better mother than I would have at 20 or 25 or even 30 - for many. many reasons.

My sister is 41 and has a 10 month old and she is a fabulous mother.

And career first -tosh - people tar all sorts of people with all sorts of brushes - my successful career has not been what has stopped me having children til now. I did not 'wait' - I did not 'put children on hold to pursue a career' - I was in circumstances that did not allow it to happen, if I wanted to be a responsible parent.

My grandmother was 43 when my mother was born - in 1948.

I have not done what you perceive to be 'better'. Why should your opinion that it is 'better' hold any quarter with me?

"Its true that it is better for a women to have her kids younger-ideally in her early twenties. ...This is not to say that older women would not make good parents but it is not the ideal."

Yes, I am very much aware of this pink. You are absolutely right

"Not ideal" is not what Aisling is saying though. And "tongue in cheek" they are not. Her arguments is all about age. She make a comment that she "laughed" at (what was it?) "geriactics" (sic) dropping off their kids at the university where her ds is attending... Do you still agree with her?

They are a very sensitive bunch Pink, yes, a lot of what I say is 'tounge in cheek' and said to get them going but the facts remain and for a lot of people who have planned their lives to a tee it's hard to accept that you can't control your fertility and you can travel, study, take up a hobby at any age but it's not as easy to have a child later!
Are you jealous AF? (being a MILF is rather fun!)

FIL had DH when he was 50. DH has spent most of his adult life worrying about him, or making dashes home when FIL's ticker played up. In the last 8 years FIL had dementia and we both spent a lot of time being around for MIL to make sure FIL accessed the best care (MIL is also elderly).

It's been horrible, and we both wish FIL had got his act together and married MiL when they were much younger (DH's grandparents didn't want to sign over the family farm and FIL felt he couldn't support MiL).

It's totally your decision, but I do think you should consider what potential premature caring responsibilities you will pass on to your children, when they should be living the best years of their lives.

yuk

having read hairy's post I assume that you pink refer to "ideal" age in terms of biological ability to cope with demands of the parenthood, not the emotional, financial etc... this is how i read it.

No swearing then today AF ( you'd love to be fancied by an 18 year old)

Oh the 'over sensitive' card!

PMSL

I'm a MILF too apparently (even a my ancient age, would you believe it!).

According to the latest wolf-whistle and comment in the street.

Who 'plans their life to a tee'?

And what's more, no of course you can't control your fertility- we all know that. But some of us are just bloody lucky to have more longevity than others in that department and if our bodies will do it then that's great and should be celebrated :)

Lets ignore. The op asked for advice and experience. The general consensus from sane people on here was that lots of people have had excellent experiences of having children later on, and she can still be a good parent. But that if she desperately wants another child, it may be a risk to wait that long as she could be leaving it too late.
Question answered. OP, you are not being unreasonable to make your own choice about this. Just weigh up all the information before you do so.

I dont think age (younger or older) makes you a better parent.

One of my colleagues had her son late, he is now at Uni and she misses him. I suggested she does a course to improve her career, she said there was no point as she was due to retire soon!

Actually Aisling I am not worried. I have nothing to worry about including being fucked if I understand your MILF tag correctly {{bleugh}}.

It seems I have everything that you lack. Including the age bit.

Actually I agree with aisling

Pink4ever it's not actually about aligning yourself with an anonymous woman on a forum, it's more about in general showing empathy towards a person's right to live life how she/he chooses, even if it differs from YOUR way of living your life. We're not in Kindergarten here. We're in REAL LIFE, which has many variables... Don't people think there are enough awful things going on and enough children in truly shit situations without coming down on someone for her choice to have a child over 40 and give that child a good life?

hairy, I know I 've touched a nerve with you and I hope your plans pan out to have a second child. But it is not sensible or helpful to advice the OP to 'go for it' just because you did!

Lots of things in life aren't achieved at the optimal age. It's something you have to square and weigh up. One thing I'd like to mention though with regards to posters comments that it's highly unusual to conceive and successfully carry to term. I've been looking at old census returns and was amazed at the age some ancestors had their last child. Middle and late forties. This was before progesterone supplements etc.

I admit I did take note 'cos of my age, miscarriages and the existence of a faint glimmer of hope. Don't know the rights and wrongs.

I think in many ways a woman is very similar as a mother at say, 35, 40 or 45.
So, I'd definitely say it wasn't selfish. I think those sort of arguments are wildly exaggerated and usually based on quite a bit of prejudice.

I think the issues are more about your fertility and your physical health including things like your eggs etc. Having a baby can be tricky at the best of times, so I think there will be a balancing act to do between your age and health and the gap you think would be ideal. Getting pregnant could be one of the biggest challenges as fertility can decrease quite sharply over 40.

Good luck though !
And I do sympathise with wanting some sort of gap between them !

The volume of comments and general offence taking on this thread show that (some )older mothers are struggling with their 'choices' and need reassurance they've got it right.

Gosh - this thread turned a bit mean, didn't it!?

I am 29, had my first last year but consider 45 as a fairly normal age to have child! I have friends (mothers to other babies) who range from 25 to 45 (but I would point out that the 45 year old had her child on her 9th round of IVF with a donor egg.....). The age range is no big deal in terms of motherhood itself for us.

OP - one thing I would say is that if you are fertile now, tbh, I would just continue to strike while the iron's hot.... It is much harder, as you know, to conceive in your 40s (my aunt had her first and only DD at 43 - she had 5 miscarriages either side ), so I would be tempted to go ahead and try for DC2 despite wanting a bigger age gap in an ideal world... but that's just me! Good luck!