To have a baby at 45?

[Hope88]

I am thinking about having another child. But I would like to have a bigger gap between children which means I would be getting near 45. If it all goes well. Do you think it's selfish to have a child at 45? I just think I would be a better mother if I wait opposed to rushing into it and being really stressed out. Your thoughts please.

Nah I don't think so AislingOrla, speaking for the many people I know who had children 40 and over. I didn't myself but would've had it been called for, or would not have hesitated in trying. I don't get that from people onthread either tbh.

I think in general people who try and enforce their own deal on others don't meet with a positive reception, no matter what the subject matter. Empathy is a good quality.

Bollocks Aisling you made some mean and unecessary comments, I objected because they make no sense.

I actually couldn't give a flying fig what you think of my decision to have a baby at my age, I really couldn't.

If I did I would have gone and asked for lay-people's opinions (or asked strangers on the internet?). I don't need your re-assurance or anyone else's re-assurance.

I didn't, I asked for medical people's opinions - after six months of trying (at 41) I was told my initial fertility tests were great - and I quote 'as good as any twenty one year old'.

You are just talking nonsense that has no logic or thought to it and doing it in a mean way, which I object to.

Why isn't it sensible to advise OP to 'go for it' - I was offering support and encouragement to someone that asked if she was being unreasonable!

I went to Birmingham and I didn't notice any of the parents, like a PP said I was too busy evaluating which of the girls would be my friends and which blokes I'd like to snog. I was also dropped off by a farm helper not my parents (they were busy with the harvest) who is about 15-16 years older than me.

I wonder how you and your son would have judged us?

I'd say 99% of students would be nervously settling in and trying to make a good impression with their peer group, not laughing at people...

Gosh this thread has moved on.

Someone seems slightly hysterical with all the !!!!'s and probably needs a little sit down and a cup of tea.

Either that or needs to get ready for his next long haul drive and go and shave his knuckles

MILF?
Classy. That is how my DS's birth mother describes herself. And what a super young mum she was.

Very few have questioned having DCs in 40's - apart from fertility issues. Majority of women in their 40's are still young in terms of energy and attitude. The worry most people have is having teenagers when you are in late 50's and 60's. Some people will still be healthy, well enough and young in attitude to do this effectively , but tbh I don't think many will be.

I have watched friends getting older into their late 50's and 60's and people do change with age. For some that means the beginning of age related chronic health problems. For others they find they tire more easily and are less flexible in their attitudes.

Also the risk to DC of their parent dying when they are young or at the least having serious illnesses is much much higher.

Ok if you get to 45 and haven't had a baby, but want to try. But to plan to have a baby at 45 when you are younger is poorly thought through.

RE: Grandparents - my parents are very young (mum had my DB when she was 20) and she lost both her parents when she was 26 and 29 respectively. I have one memory of my grandmother and about 3 of my grandfather.

You just don't know.

which blokes I'd like to snog lol. Hope that's workin out for ya Kenobi!!

But you raise a good point there. I find that people with insecurities are likely to be paying more attention/making more judgments on people in situations like the above.

I was a young mum (23) my mum was an old mum (39 almost 40). My life worked out in a way that I was able to start a family young my mum's was different. Shit happens eh. Better a loved cared for child with a parent of any age than a neglected abused child.

to get back to the original post, I has born after a 15 month gap from my brother to a 22 year old mum. By the time I WA 18 i was at universioty and she was "free". By contrast, I had dds at 36 and 38. My mum encouraged me to have a career and a choice about when and if to have kids. I wish I had done it just 5 years earlier as I would have liked more ( DH is a bit older than me) I love the dds, my biggest sadness is that my mum died at 60 when I was preg with DD1 so never saw them. By contrst, her partner is still alove and nearly 90. So, yuo never can tell who will die when. But, yuo do know yuorself and what yuo want and can cope with. Frnakly, the very idea of having a baby at 45 makes me feel ill - I do not want to have a 7 year old when I am in the throes of menopause. I might look and feel young nnow, but I sure as hell won'tby then, with 3 dcs adn the ageing process. BUT, that is me, I have relatively low energy levels, always have done, and find a lot of paretning hard and boring ( and a lot good) but I do not want to do it again, BUT if I only had one, I WOULD MOVE HEAVEN AND EARTH TO have another as would not want only child, so, if OP really wnats another, she need to get on with it, to reduce risk of being biologically too old. If she wants it, and can have it, I do notthink she is being selfish. Kids get laughed at by their peers for loads of reasons - in fact, some people tried to make something of the fact that my mother was so yuong, askign if my parents "had" to get married, cos she was so yuong to have kids of our age! A bully will always find some reason to single a child out

No, I hadn't read your posts Aisling - I was just giving my opinion to the OP as she has an important, and potentially exciting, decision to make. I've never struggled with my decision to have two DC's in my mid thirties - why would I ?
And 5 or so years later wouldn't have made me any different as a mother !

It was a fair few years ago now and I snogged not NEARLY enough of the boys, I wish I'd been far more slutty

But possibly your comment is cos you thought I was there as the mum?

Advertised in today's Times - a feature in the Saturday Times Magazine entitled 'Baby at 45? The truth about older mothers.'

Agree Ken.
Think OP has had enough advice now and I've had a laugh!
Oldies out there, calm down, save your energy for your childrens' future! No need to get so upset at my comments ,I 'm not in real life (where I must admit, I have to mind my manners a bit more, sigh!)

I would just like to point out that I in no way afiliate with Aislin's rather bitchy comments about peoples age when having children, my post wasnt positive on the subject of being an older mother, but it was from my experience and not intended to offend anyone.

On the other hand, speaking as a younger mom (23 & 24 when I had them) I had travelled, we we're emotionally and financially secure, owned our own home(s), loving relationship rah rah rah, the only thing different is Im now the dc are starting school I am going to uni. Im really pleased Ive done it this way around. I have horrified my very middle class parents for going against the flow - not doing uni earlier, timing of children, Their bloody names but essentially I have done whats right for me. They dont know why I wanted my DC younger than my social group, I would never let them know I was embarrised by their age, they were and are lovely parents who I wouldnt be without, but as kids parents were embarrasing enough without standing out But then I assume I will have many other avenues open to embarris my two as they get older :)

OP fertility is dependant on your own biology not just age - there are no guarantees what ever your age :) but I don't think having a baby at 45 is a) and issue or b) anyones choice but you and your partners

Hairy I had my third at 39 - I am 42 now - I do not stand out at the school gates or use the pram as a zimmer I also have the benefit of having built up my career, savings and having my own home - horses for courses - I like the way things worked out for us x

There will always be people to try and talk you out of it, and raise all the sprectres of infertility and pregnancy loss and disabilities. Seeing as how you are already at the point of considering another pregnancy, and don't see to be a moron, I would assume that you are already well familiar with the risks of pregnancy in one's forties. You've not asked about those, you've asked if it would be selfish of you. Most women get pregnant for selfish reasons. None of us know how it will turn out. I hope that if it is what you want, and if you think it will be best for your family, you will do it and not be afraid. I understand that it is a big decision, but I really don't think that you are going to get much useful advice or perspective (including my own) off an online message board.

I am stepmum now to two teenagers, because their own mum died of cancer in her forties. I have a baby girl, too. Her dad will be an 'older dad'. All of our lives are immeasurably happier because she is here, and we are all devoted to her. Selfish? Maybe, but I challenge any other parents to say that they are doing a better job than my DH and I, because they are younger . The thing is, you know yourself what you can provide for your daughter. Few people can bring a child into the world with absolute certainty that the child will be happy, or financially secure, or destined to have two parents until he/she is grown. Risk is part of life...when we are thinking of having our first child, people say to us "oh, there is no perfect time!"...and I guess I'd say the same is still true for you.

And at 15 or 25 or 35 or 45, as a prospective mother-to-be, there are things you can do to improve your chances at a happy, healthy baby. There are some studies showing that older mums are actually at an advantage in some respects. So if you are serious about wanting to try again, start preparing now... Get your health into the best shape it has ever, ever been. Change your diet, get more exercise, whatever it is you could do that maybe you haven't before. Go over your finances - set up savings plans and insurance policies or increase the ones you have. Make sure you are happy with your Ob-gyn, or look for one who you like better. Take all the negatives, and address them as best you can. and then let go. Good luck, whatever you decide.

Where does this conviction that people are decrepit at 60 come from? The retirement age is 65 FGS (and steadily climbing). I don't notice many 60 yr olds having to come into the office with their carers

I had DD (unplanned) 2 mths shy of 45 without any issues before or since. However afterwards I went almost straight into the menopause and wasn't able to have any more DCs. Having seen plenty of younger people struggle to have children, I would advise the OP not to wait to have another child as it is entirely out of your hands as to whether you would be able to have another.

My DD will be into her 20s by the time I retire so if the government thinks I'm capable of holding a job down in my 60s, there should be no reason why I can't parent a teenager. After all I'm not expecting to be clubbing etc with her - I'm her mum not her best mate - and isn't it a rite of passage that you embarrass your kids by not quite being in touch with the latest trends (whether you're 35 or 60).

seem not see

But possibly your comment is cos you thought I was there as the mum?

No no kenobi I knew what you meant. And you're right I doubt if anyone the age you were would be paying any attention whatsoever to what other students' parents looked like etc. What I was saying was any parent who'd be focussing on how they appeared in relation to other parents etc would be imo a bit insecure. I mean who cares...

That's just it, juggling, the OP doen't really have a 'decision to make'. People think thay can control fertiliy, they can't.
I hope anyone thinking of having a baby so late reads that Times article, mentioned above, instead of getting all devensive with a lot of strangers.

Ah so either
A. aislingora is a shit journo
OR
B. she works for the times in marketing.

Ok, I had never heard of the term MILF, so I googled - why didn't anyone warn me!