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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have a baby at 45?

606 replies

Hope88 · 05/10/2011 14:53

I am thinking about having another child. But I would like to have a bigger gap between children which means I would be getting near 45. If it all goes well. Do you think it's selfish to have a child at 45? I just think I would be a better mother if I wait opposed to rushing into it and being really stressed out. Your thoughts please.

OP posts:
Deux · 06/10/2011 23:10

Just had to reply to a post on sewing machines .

Aisling, given you have strong views on this subject, would you automatically have a termination if you found yourself accidentally pg at 46? Just asking, like.

notlettingthefearshow · 06/10/2011 23:12

I'm not sure how old you are now, but if you know you want another baby, I wouldn't wait til 45, purely because you might not be lucky enough to conceive. Or it might take a long time to conceive and you could be 48 by the time you have the baby. Not to mention the increasing risks to the baby.

It's only my opinion, of course. You and your partner know what is best for your family. Good luck with whatever you decide.

Aislingorla · 06/10/2011 23:15

Not sure really!
Hopefully won't ever have to make that decision. I feel lucky having had three. So sorry, but can't give you a definite answer.

brdgrl · 06/10/2011 23:24

you are very silly, aislingorla. do you think that will get a rise out of me? when i have already posted on this thread, twice i believe, about my own present circumstances; i am a stepmum to two teenagers and a mum to a baby, and i am 40.. i have not posted about my future reproductive choices - mainly because they are no one's business and i'm not interested in asking for advice.

tell you what, though, since you have such an interest in comparing yourself to others and evaluating other women's decisions...if i do decide to have any more children, i'll be sure to pm you and ask for your input.

Aislingorla · 06/10/2011 23:30

Well, ignore me then! And stop ranting on. I don't care about your circumstances. Go to bed!

hester · 06/10/2011 23:35

My grandmother was in her late 30s when I was born. I always thought she was WAY cooler than my mum Smile. I think it is truly bizarre, this assumption that younger mothers can 'connect' better with teenagers than us oldies.

This thread is very strange. I can't get up the energy to be cross with Aislingoria, who oddly is my age but acting like my teenage nieces. Anyway, my dds were born when I was 41 and 45 and no doubt they will be horribly ashamed of me. But as they are also in a mixed race family and have two mums they will have plenty of other things to worry about [shrugs]. So long as we don't meet too many people like Aislingoria, I think we'll be ok.

brdgrl · 06/10/2011 23:42

aislingorla, i'm happy to drop it now.
you asked about my circumstances, silly woman, so i answered your question. if you don't care, don't ask. hmm, i think maybe you are a bit annoyed that i pointed out your lie one of your mis-statements, but hey...it's not as though you won't keep digging yourself new holes.

will go to bed when it suits me. one of the perks of being a grown woman.

Deux · 06/10/2011 23:50

My grandmother too, she let me get my ears pierced. Cue major fall out between my mum and my granny. And she was 42 when she had my mum (her eighth).

I've always thought it will be an advantage to have gotten through the menopause when the DCs are teens as at least there are no clashing hormones going on. Wink

I don't understand the not connecting/relating to teens thing either. My parents didn't connect with my teenage years and my mum was 36 when I was 14. I thought that was the whole point, you know. I found my parents embarrassing, like most teens, and they were young.

Aislingorla · 06/10/2011 23:55

Lie? So sorry about that, hope I didn't upset/mislead too many people by saying "Grants didn't exist in Ireland in the 80s''. Hope the Gardi don't find out!
Silly woman yerself!
Did I ask about your circumstances? Can't remember or be bothered to go back through the posts to see. You have an amazing memory for detail.
Do you have friends in RL to talk too? Hobby?
I don't keep digging myself into 'new holes', just enjoy seeing your OTT reactions! And you rise to everyone!
It's not RL!
Get out more!

allagory · 06/10/2011 23:56

Steady with those exclamation marks, girlie. You'll wake the baby..

Yellowstone · 07/10/2011 00:29

Aisling you declared early on that you were out to provoke which in itself is quite sad and suggests a huge lack of life.

You keep saying various posters whose points seem utterly reasoned and cool are 'upset' when they quite clearly just view you as a prat. A shallow egotistical prat, but ultimately just a fairly mindless prat.

You're middle aged, with a middling number of kids, had your first at a middling age but fancy yourself as a go-getting sexy young mum.

All a bit Confused. No experience at either end, nothing special, silly views.

hazeyjane · 07/10/2011 03:42

Or just having a 'pop' (and getting very worked up) at a stranger on an internet forum because you are bored!

I know you were talking about someone else, Aisling, but I think that pretty much sums up where you are coming from.

Aislingorla · 07/10/2011 08:26

lFor the last time ,Yellow, AF called me a MILF and declared she is one herself!
It seems to upset you a lot. Why?
I had my kids at a reasonable age is all, never said I was still young. Of course 46 is middle aged!

Yellowstone · 07/10/2011 09:00

The term MILF doesn't upset me at all, not in the teeniest tiniest way. I'm well used to the term. It's generally used by teenagers' friends to say a mum looks young for her age and isn't an out an out minger. It really doesn't bother me, I quite like it.

I suppose it could be used in a derogatory way as in a saddo desperate to cling on to what little they have and deriding others who are older or more staid in the process Hmm.

pink4ever · 07/10/2011 09:59

I thought mn was for grown ups?Hmm-its all getting a tad mean girls around here.

aisling has said many times that she was only trying to get a rise out of people-though I still think her opinion is perfectly reasonable-45 is not the ideal age to have a baby.

She could have perhaps been more tactful in how she phrased some of her comments but all the other posters lining up to have a pop at her is all a bit school playground. Get over it. Have your kids when the hell you like-no one really cares.

bemybebe · 07/10/2011 10:07

"She could have perhaps been more tactful in how she phrased some of her comments"

Her comments were pulled because they were deliberately derogatory and insulting. Nobody expects "tact", just to refrain from personal attacks.

pink4ever · 07/10/2011 10:12

bemybebe-does that not work both ways? there were also personal attacks on aisling-in fact I reported one yesterday-something I rarely do on here.

brdgrl · 07/10/2011 10:16

Yes, bemybebe...rather comical trying to make out that aislingorla is being victimised here by a bunch of schoolyard bullies, when the tone of her posts is deliberately bullying and obnoxious. 'mean girls'? i think that's her game.

fwiw, i'm actually not insulted by her, just a bit disgusted.
i think this thread, apart from her nonsense, has been open to views from both sides of the 'debate'.

pink4ever · 07/10/2011 10:25

FFs aisling has said she was being delibarately inflammatory and people are still biting. Doesnt excuse bad behaviour in return does it?

Plus I dont think this thread has really had both sides of the debate. It has had loads of older mothers on saying how they got pregnant at the drop of a hat,found pregnancy a breeze and rearing children a walk in the park.

Well good for them but that is not really a true reflection of having children in your 40's. Or is medical science making it all up when they tell us your chances of miscarriage,chromosomal problems,maternal health problems all increase with age?Hmm

Yellowstone · 07/10/2011 10:31

Quite apart from the things Aisling has posted on the thread, what kind of person would not only laugh at older parents taking their kids to uni but encourage their DS to laugh too and then brag about their sneering on the internet. That's really quite low.

Criticism of her doesn't need further justification.

Yellowstone · 07/10/2011 10:35

If those mothers found pregnancy in their 40's a breeze, they should post. It's an antidote to the scare stories; probably useful to OP.

Helltotheno · 07/10/2011 10:40

Pink4ever nobody is criticising AislingOrla's view that 45 is not the optimum age to have a child, in fact practically everyone, no matter what their opinion was, made that point.
Fact is AislingOrla gave that opinion along with a heavy dose of Look me I'm so right on cos i'm down with the teenagers and older parents are shit parents and basically if I didn't have a child at 45, it's not right for ANYONE to have a kid at 45.

Nobody likes that sort of judgmental twattery.

Oh and I was one of those who said how easy it was for me to get pregnant but maybe you misunderstood. I wasn't giving that as a plus. In fact I've spent most of my adult life trying NOT to get pregnant. My point was that for a woman who was always pretty fertile, it may actually be quite easy to get pregnant at 45 cos nature has set it up that way, so nature obviously doesn't think having a kid at 45 is out of the question! In my utopia, any woman who wanted a child would be able to have a child.

DuelingFanjo · 07/10/2011 10:46

Maybe Aisling is feeling a bit knackered and redundant and thinks that all women in their 40s should too? At 41 and with a 10 month old baby I still feel young and would have another like a shot if I could. I had IVF which I don't feel at all ashamed about. My ovaries were/are knackered but I was successful first time with IVF and don't regret it at all.

My mum was very young having kids, her mum was 43 when she had her last and her mum had something like 13 children over several childbearing years. My sister is pregnant at 43 (naturally) and my brother just had a second child and he's almost 40.

Obviously fertility declines as you get older but not for everyone.

Motherhood is never a breeze but it's not that much harder at 40 than it is at 35!

Aislingorla · 07/10/2011 10:59

Thank you Pink, yes they are ganging up a bit and it is a bit like playground bullying but it doesn't really get to me. I don't call names or throw out insults, just wind them up, which is remarkably easy to do.

What amazes me is MNHQ 's reaction. Yesterday they sent me an email telling me to tone it down and then deleted some of mine and others' posts and then let it run and run even though I was becoming more and more obnoxious! Their monitoring of the threads is somewhat random!

Yellowstone · 07/10/2011 11:08

Aisling I'm not in the least wound up, I'm completely chilled. Have been throughout [chilled, laid-back, younger/older mother, MILF type emoticon].

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