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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have a baby at 45?

606 replies

Hope88 · 05/10/2011 14:53

I am thinking about having another child. But I would like to have a bigger gap between children which means I would be getting near 45. If it all goes well. Do you think it's selfish to have a child at 45? I just think I would be a better mother if I wait opposed to rushing into it and being really stressed out. Your thoughts please.

OP posts:
PrincessTamTam · 06/10/2011 16:12

The teenage years are exactly where you need the patience and understanding that comes with age!! I don't know ANY older parents that struggle more with teens than their younger counterparts do. That's a ridiculous thing to suggest.

4madboys · 06/10/2011 16:15

i had mine youngish, first at 20, had 5 by the time i was 31, because i was lucky enough to meet the right partner and its what we wanted and was right for us. i would never in a million years tell someone else when the right time for them to have their own children was OR make judgements on how good/bad/right/wrong it is for someone to have their children at a different age!!

many of my friends are older, we met through having kids the same age, but our ages dont mean a thing to us, we are who we are regardless of age.

there is the occasional joke about something normally related to music or fashion that i 'missed' due to being younger etc and ditto some 'old' jokes from me here and there, but as a general rule our age just isnt mentioned and nor is it relevant to our friendships or our parenting!

lovingthecoast · 06/10/2011 16:16

Yes, I would have had absolutely zero patience at 25 and I would have made a far more selfish mother than I do now. I would also have been very jealous of my carefree friends who were off travelling the world and carving out a career.

And, yes, by leaving it until my late 30s I was well aware that it could be tricky fertility wise or that it may never happen. But that was a price I was willing to pay to ensure that, a) I was financially able to provide for any child that came along and b) I felt absolutely as ready as possible emotionally having done all the things I wanted to in my 20s.

Aisling, there's no point in you keeping banging on about reduced fertility. Everyone agrees with that. And your posts about older parents not coping with teens is ridiculous. On a physical level, I can't imagine needing to run after them in the park and on an emotional level, well, I think it's a tricky age regardless and I'm not expecting to find it harder at 60 than at 40 especially as I teach secondary school so will be used to dealing with teenagers on a regular basis. My job as their mum will not be to 'get with it' but instead to show them empathy and to remember what's it's like to be 16.

ledkr · 06/10/2011 16:17

Who said anything about living through our children?
"LAID BACK ?" haha You seem more uptight than anyone ive ever come across,all this preoccupation with other peoples lives and choices.
So your "observations" are more reliable than actual experiences of real older parents? How very presumptious of you.

Helltotheno · 06/10/2011 16:17

too old and you've done so much (and planned and controlled throughout much of your life)that's it's hard to relax as a parent.

Again no not always. Being a control freak or not is overwhelmingly an aspect of one's character rather than one's age. The coolest, most laid-back man I know is in his late fifties... and has a child of 7..

Parents living their lives through their children, I see it all the time and the one thing I can say about that for sure is parents of any and every age do it!

4madboys · 06/10/2011 16:18

exactly lovinh you knew the 'risks' re fertility and you weighed up the pros and cons, which is all we can do and then make the choice that seems right for ourselves, without casting judgement and aspersions on those that choose differently.

Quenelle · 06/10/2011 16:19

lesley33 that's why I said I certainly wouldn't deliberately leave it until my early 40s to get pregnant in my post.

chandellina · 06/10/2011 16:22

Aisling, I already mentioned the much higher divorce rate as a strike against young mums - quite significant concern, I think

boohoohoo · 06/10/2011 16:27

I think some people of mixing sixty with seventy/eighty. Age related illnesses, I think if you said that to many people in their sixties they would tell you to do one, we are not in the early 1900's sixty is still relatively young these days.

thefirstMrsDeVere · 06/10/2011 16:28

I dont get the control freak thing at all.

If you have children in your twenties how would having more later on make you all control freakish?

Its not like you have been on your own and living your life for yourself for years and years Confused

PrincessTamTam · 06/10/2011 16:29

Totally agree that it's about the person you are and not your age. Like 4madboys I too have friends of all ages who I met through my 4DSs (aged 3 to 18) and we are all just people who like each other, regardless of age. Honestly all these generalisations you make Aisling are so ill informed as to be laughable. Hmm

hazeyjane · 06/10/2011 16:31

A general lack of understanding/being unable to connect with the teenage years

Surely that applies to anyone who isn't a teenager. If you are talking about being 'down with the kids' then I think that is best avoided.

PrincessTamTam · 06/10/2011 16:35

Going back to the OP my only concern would be the higher likelihood of twins after 40. A midwife friend of mine happily informed me of this just after I announced my 4th (accidental) pregnancy at 42. Needless to say I was not happy at the thought! I think it's been mentioned up thread but its definitely worth factoring in if this is your plan. Smile

PrincessTamTam · 06/10/2011 16:38

A general lack of understanding/being unable to connect with the teenage years
Yes Hazey - what a load of bollox.

Aislingorla · 06/10/2011 16:40

I'm not 'down with the kids', last thing I would want to be. And they are not my 'friends'.
We have a lot of teens round at our house and often,anxious parents (who happen to be also older parents) phoning up to tell them to come home to do piano practice, homework, etc. These kids tend to keep a lot of things from their parents (my middle son tells me)simply because they don't feel they can relate to them. Now, that is not always age related but often is the case with older parents.

Aislingorla · 06/10/2011 16:44

Sad, bollox!
Stay calm women and maybe start reading some Mumsnet the teenage years posts!

Ghoulwithadragontattoo · 06/10/2011 16:44

I don't have any problem with women having babies in their mid-forties if that is what life throws at them. But OP is talking about deliberately deferring having her next DC into her mid-forties when she has the choice to do it sooner. That is madness frankly since her chances of having a child will be significantly diminished by then. The same does not apply to people who have not met the right man until their forties or who get pregnant accidentally. This thread is not about whether old / middle / young mums are best (pros and cons of each) but about whether it makes sense for someone already their forties putting off TTC when they know they want a baby.

Helltotheno · 06/10/2011 16:46

Now, that is not always age related but often is the case with older parents

No it's not OFTEN the case with older parents, it can be the case with PARENTS OF ANY AGE, depending on their characters.

God maybe it's just your choice of words but you're coming across slightly dense on top of everything else. Can't you just accept that things are the way they are in your little group of people and that IN THE BIG WIDE WORLD, there are lots of other things happening... Sheesh...

kenobi · 06/10/2011 16:51

Hah I bet myself £5 that you'd pull the 'oooooh who's all upset now!' card aisling. Sooner than expected I must say!

In case you were wondering, disagreeing with someone's post doesn't mean you're all upset and bothered, it just means you think they're talking rubbish. HTH.

nikos · 06/10/2011 16:54

And I notice that aisling has had deleted the posts that challenged the way she was parenting her own children and teaching them to laugh at others. Tad insecure are we?

lovingthecoast · 06/10/2011 16:57

Those things are not age related at all. What nonsense!
When I was teaching primary I saw plenty of parents stress and wince at the thought of sex ed. Many of the most embarrassed were also the youngest. But that doesn't lead me to think that all young parents are automatically awkward when talking about sex.

Aislingorla · 06/10/2011 16:58

Gosh, you take it all so seriously, quoting me like that! Could be flattering.

Hairy, if I'm honest, it's older mothers like you, overly smug and boastfull about how well off you are and how well your children are doing, that get on my nerves. Quite often, you are the very type who cannot cope when your children hit the teenage years. I imagine you'll cope amazingly or at least will pretend to.

To go right back, we were not actually laughing at the older parents at my sons' Uni., more shocked really.

MamaMaiasaura · 06/10/2011 17:00

Kenobi - agreed

Aislingorla · 06/10/2011 17:04

Nikos, I have not had any post deleted. MNHQ did that. Their deleting seems to be very random. I would never have anything deleted, once it's there it's there. Good job you are not our neighbour I would have great fun 'teaching' my kids to laugh at you!

MamaMaiasaura · 06/10/2011 17:04

Aisling -u really are being ridiculous and it's quite sad to see you beating on with such a narrow minded and ignorant viewpoint. It's not about age in your case, I think regardless of what age you spawned your offspring they'd have had to put up with bigoted views from you. It must be dreadfully embarrassing having a mum hankering after her youth and trying to get with it

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