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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have a baby at 45?

606 replies

Hope88 · 05/10/2011 14:53

I am thinking about having another child. But I would like to have a bigger gap between children which means I would be getting near 45. If it all goes well. Do you think it's selfish to have a child at 45? I just think I would be a better mother if I wait opposed to rushing into it and being really stressed out. Your thoughts please.

OP posts:
Aislingorla · 06/10/2011 15:39

What are they then? Hardly comparable to the issues experienced by older Mothers and their (potential) babies.

thefirstMrsDeVere · 06/10/2011 15:39

being young doesnt guarentee MILF though does it?

You could be 25 and a real minger.
Just sayin.

On a more serious note though.

Round here the women do not tend to look after themselves (I am not talking about looking naice for their hubbies). Once they leave the protection of their teens and early twenties it becomes pretty hard to work out how old they are.

There are women that I know are only in their late twenties but they look at least 10 years older. They are very unfit and you would be more likely to see me giving Nick Griffin a big snog than you would them playing football with their kids.

Most of them smoke and their eating habits are shocking. They do not exercise at all and sadly the majority have really low self esteem (despite the lairy front they put on). They are nice women and their DCs are the centre of their lives - no doubt.

And they all had their kids from about 15/16 - 25ish.

In these circumstances I cannot find it within myself to feel I have done something wrong by having a couple of DCs in my 40s.
Perhaps I would feel differently if I was surrounded by fit, healthy, confident mothers in their 20s.

I doubt it though.

LapsedPacifist · 06/10/2011 15:39

I'd rather have an older mum than one full of smuggery shite and spite.

MamaMaiasaura · 06/10/2011 15:40

Hairylights - I agree. For us we have financial stability and self reliant for me to be able to sahm. Not a possibility with ds1.

Aisling - go report me, I couldn't care a jot.

ledkr · 06/10/2011 15:42

aislin can i ask how you know all this stuff about older parents and hard it is to be one when your own personal cut off point was 35? Guenuine question.

Helltotheno · 06/10/2011 15:44

Hope the energy, patience and understanding gets you through the teenage years. Because, honestly (no winding up intended here) that is where a lot of older parents struggle.

Nope, this is where parents of any age may struggle, it's most definitely not the preserve of older parents and I have lots of examples of that. Maybe you don't in your narrow little circle...

Quenelle · 06/10/2011 15:46

Wish I hadn't started reading this thread. I can't read past page 3.

I had DS at 40 and am expecting DC2 when I'm 43. No apparently problems with fertility, I fell the first month of trying.

We didn't plan to have a family so late, it's just the way things turned out. We thought hard about having a second but what made our minds up was the thought of DS having to cope with elderly parents on his own. We know, however that there are additional risks to having a baby so late in life and so are quite anxious about this pregnancy, much more so than last time.

I certainly wouldn't deliberately leave it until my early 40s to get pregnant.

hazeyjane · 06/10/2011 15:47

Good point ledkr.

ledkr · 06/10/2011 15:48

Blimey i had my first teen experience when i was in my twenties and i actually feel more ready to face the next ones in my 50/60's I will certainly do things differently and stick to boundaries more ridgidly than when younger.

MamaMaiasaura · 06/10/2011 15:49

Oops at typos (silly iPhone). Scuba not skins and grandkids not grandiose. Grandiose was a better word to describe aislings self perception of her own importance

hairylights · 06/10/2011 15:51

The patience etc will help with the teenage years - I have already seen my DSD through hers (now at Uni doing exceedingly well).

"What are they then?"

Just observations from the younger mums I know:

Lack of patience, wanting to have an active social life, frustration at not being able to, taken out on their children. Lack of financial stability and therefore dependence on benefits ie: bringing children up in poverty. Fewer life skills

Just a few observations....

Tigresswoods · 06/10/2011 15:52

I don't think it's unreasonable but I do have a friend who had her 1st at 32 her second at 45. All was good until recently. Youngest is now 17 & friend is understandably a bit fed up of parenting & wants to retire/be free.

Good luck whatever you choose.

Yellowstone · 06/10/2011 15:54

I'm a younger and an older mother with several inbetween and I shall be exactly the same mother to all, possibly more tranquil with #8.

It's overwhelmingly to do with temerament, not age.

Aisling is sad.

kenobi · 06/10/2011 15:55

What are they then? Well aisling speaking for myself I would have been lacking in patience, extremely slapdash and way too keen to palm him/her off onto someone else. Far worse to their development as a human being that the possibility that I might - oo er - not be able to run so fast while they're teenagers.

It's not JUST about fertility, it's about being a fit and proper person to take care of a child.

Very good point Chandelina!

Yellowstone · 06/10/2011 15:55

So is my speling: temperament.

lesley33 · 06/10/2011 15:56

Quenelle - I really think it is different having a baby when you are older because thats how things worked out. Lots of people have kids in less than ideal circumstances, but work it out.

Planning to have a baby at 45 when you are much younger is imo foolish - for all sorts of reasons including fertility. A small group of women do manage to get pregnant naturally at 45, but this is rare.

And Awen - I know people in their 60's like that too. And I hope that is how I will be. But there are also lots of people in their 60's who struggle physically often because of age related illnesses. And this includes things like rheumatism that are not life threatening, but do physically restrict what you can do.

Yellowstone · 06/10/2011 15:56

I give up.

bemybebe · 06/10/2011 15:57

"Just observations from the younger mums I know:

Lack of patience, wanting to have an active social life, frustration at not being able to, taken out on their children. Lack of financial stability and therefore dependence on benefits ie: bringing children up in poverty. Fewer life skills"

Very very good points here. Thank you hairy

MamaMaiasaura · 06/10/2011 15:59

Lesley - and equally there are many younger people who live unhealthy excessively drinking, smoking and drug taking. Also taking risks like driving too fast and putting others at risk. So no not all 60 year olds will be fit and active but not all younger people will be either.

Good to see you back on this thread and not on your other one

ledkr · 06/10/2011 16:00

Having had one at 17,19,21 and then 34 and 43 i feel like a leading authority and can definately say there are pros and cons with both and in fact any age,being a parent has its ups and downs what ever age you are but i think that being a well balanced and open minded person is high up on the list of desirabilities which unfortunately aislin you appear to lack.I hope your children stay within the normal expectations of life and dont want to be diverse in any way as i dont think you would manage.

Aislingorla · 06/10/2011 16:03

Observations of the older Parents I know,
A general lack of understanding/being unable to connect with the teenage stage.
Find it hard to relinquish control.
Overly ambitious for them.
I live in a very middle class, accademic area, older parenting being the norm. These are my observations.

A happy medium is the best option, too young and you haven't lived enough(in general) too old and you've done so much (and planned and controlled throughout much of your life)that's it's hard to relax as a parent.

thefirstMrsDeVere · 06/10/2011 16:05

My OH was only 30 when dx with MS so he doesnt have to wait till his 60s to worry about mobility issues.

My mum slide happily into middle and old age very young. When she was my age her youngest was 19 (me) and she was already behaving like a much older woman. My youngest is 18mths. I do not feel I am like her at all in that respect. Although I will admit to sharing her liking for a good costume drama Grin

Lots of young mothers feel no resentment re loss of social life, some older ones still yearn for a night on the tiles.

Its about individuals, not numbers.

I hate the emphasis on the chances of having a less than perfect baby. Pisses me off no end when it is continually chucked at older women as a reason why they shouldnt dare try and concieve.

Aislingorla · 06/10/2011 16:05

Oh, don't worry ledkr, my children know there own minds. We are very laid back and believe in not living through our children.

Aislingorla · 06/10/2011 16:07

Yellow, no insults remember!

HooverTheHamaBeads · 06/10/2011 16:12

I'd say go for it if it what you truly want rather than thinking it might be your last chance.

Don't put it off. The chances of conceiving and carrying a healthy to term are really very low. I know plenty will say they know someone who has etc etc but those lucky women are the exception not the rule.

I had DD's at 31 and 33 and it took 13 months to get pregnant with DD1 and seemingly I don't have any fertility issues at all. We tried TTC #3 for six months about a year ago when I was 37 I never got pregnant at all. We stopped trying when DH was deployed away and now I don't think we really ever wanted to add to our family. Lots of friends were having #3 and in a bit of panic I thought perhaps we should too.