Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have a baby at 45?

606 replies

Hope88 · 05/10/2011 14:53

I am thinking about having another child. But I would like to have a bigger gap between children which means I would be getting near 45. If it all goes well. Do you think it's selfish to have a child at 45? I just think I would be a better mother if I wait opposed to rushing into it and being really stressed out. Your thoughts please.

OP posts:
BridgetBust · 06/10/2011 14:58

Lesley33 is a barrel of laughs Hmm

4madboys · 06/10/2011 14:58

oggy dont feel guilty, you actually thought about it, which is a lot more than most! i was asked about it by someone i knew and its something i have always thought of, like i said i got lucky, got preg very easily, and had easy pregnancies and births and healthy children, thats all it is LUCK, so if i can pass a bit of that luck onto someone else, that can only be a good thing.

it is something ihave thought a lot about, and discussed with my partner etc and hasnt been a quick decision to make, the process has now begun and with any luck i shall be donating my eggs early next year once medical checks have been carried out!

chandellina · 06/10/2011 14:59

pink4ever - i can't argue with you on the biological superiority of having children in your 20s. however, divorce rates are six times higher for women marrying aged 20-24 and around three times higher for women marrying 25-29 compared with those marrying in their 30s. what's worse for a child? personally, I think I'd rather have old parents together than young parents having affairs and getting divorced.

lovingthecoast · 06/10/2011 15:00

Nobody has disputed the eggs/fertility thing though, Aisling.

And I didn't delay due to a current trend. I delayed because I wanted a life. I wanted to enjoy being an adult and exploring the world without the responsibilities of parenthood.

One hundred years ago, many women went straight from their parents home to the marital home and started having babies; often in their late teens. I'm very glad that there are more choices open to my daughters these days. If they choose that path and they are ready then great. But I'm glad it's not expected of them and that they have the opportunity for a life and education which simply wasn't available to my grandmother.

4madboys · 06/10/2011 15:04

well we got together aged 19 (me) and 20 (dp) and are happy nearly 14yrs later, i think we all try to plan for the best, but have to deal with what life throws as us, so whilst its great to aim for 'perfection' ultimately there is no 'right time' to have a baby, we have to try and do what seems/works best for us and our own individual circumstances, but i certainly think biology and the risks that come with waiting is one to think very seriously about when thinking/planning becoming a parent.

and thats all we can do, is weigh up the pros and cons and make the best decision for us and then work with whatever happens.

right my littles has just woken up, so i best be off, its an interesting debate tho, bar stupid comments by some!

kenobi · 06/10/2011 15:06

4madboys thank you for your reply, interesting. When you have a mo would you mind awfully PMing me the charity's name?

Aislingorla · 06/10/2011 15:06

I agree with your last point ,loving.
However, you can still have 'a life' as your children get older and eventually leave home. You can even have 'a life' when they are still young!
As I have said before you can study, travel, etc. at any age (within reason) But it is, generally, harder to have and raise children as you get older.

chandellina · 06/10/2011 15:08

well, it's also a lot harder to backpack around SE Asia and sleep on trains in India when you're in your 50s and 60s too, though do-able. Snogging whoever you want definitely harder at that age.

4madboys · 06/10/2011 15:09

not a problem kobi x

lovingthecoast · 06/10/2011 15:10

Yes, but if I'd had kids at 25, I'd be in my 40s before they left home. I'm in my 40s now and have no desire to go back to uni or sleep on a beach in Thailand or have drunken sex on a deserted beach near Perth! These pursuits are the preserve of the young and IMVHO, are best enjoyed when you're young. I wanted to enjoy being me before I became responsible for someone else. So on a personal level, I'm glad to have done it this way around.

Aislingorla · 06/10/2011 15:12

Loving, "I delayed because I wanted a life. I wanted to enjoy being an adult and exploring the world without the responsibilities of parenthood'' is more or less what these colleagues say and then (some) regret not trying sooner when they have problems.

MamaMaiasaura · 06/10/2011 15:13

Aisling - to be honest I'd rather my children have parents who aren't self absorbed parents who sneer at others for their age and choices, like you are portraying yourself to be. I really do not understand why you had to be so nasty?

Re OP I think it's only a choice you can make. I'm expecting my 3rd any day and I'm just 36. For us this is probably it but that's our choice. My eldest is near 12 and we have a near 4 year old too.

My mum was 29 when she had me and my dad was 40. He died 20 years ago when I was 16, cancer. You can love your life by judging ones life expectancy tho as no one knows what the future holds x

BoffinMum · 06/10/2011 15:15

TBH I think it's around the top end of the acceptable age band in terms of biology. I know a few people who have done it with no difficulties.

kenobi · 06/10/2011 15:15

You can do both you know, Aisling, it's not either or.

I spent my 20s on having sex on beaches (in Melbourne for me Grin) and my career, had my first at 33 and am brewing my second. 30s was the right age for me to be a mum. This is the absolute norm for educated western women now. You don't have to be 22.

PrincessTamTam · 06/10/2011 15:20

Oh ffs - there is no right or wrong! We are all different and all want different things at different times - why do we have to judge? I think women are always doing this, we judge others, we judge ourselves, constantly. Why can't we just make our informed choices and feel lucky we have them, and not criticise others who make choices different to ours?
I was a youngish mum and now am an old mum there are pros and cons to both, and I don't give a stuff what anyone thinks so there! Grin

Aislingorla · 06/10/2011 15:21

True kenob.
Not saying you have to have them at 22, though.
Just leaving it too late is risky!
Awen, it's your choice, but 'just 36' is no spring chicken, you know?
I had my last at 35 and that was old but my own personal cut off time.

lesley33 · 06/10/2011 15:26

"Lesley33 is a barrel of laughs"

Yeah sorry about that. Can you tell I was at a friends funeral yesterday?

MamaMaiasaura · 06/10/2011 15:27

Aisling you silly woman, I meant 'just' as in just had birthday Hmm

hairylights · 06/10/2011 15:28

"But it is, generally, harder to ...... raise children as you get older."

Can you qualify your assertion on raising children with some solid evidence/ research?

It'll be much easier for me to raise children now than at any other point in my life.

I have an established career which I'm happy in (research shows it's better for children to have two happy, working parents). I have a good, regular salary and low debts - I don't have money worries.. I am still fit and young enough to be in a good state of health. I am in a wonderful stable relationship. I am not at a stage in life where I hanker after "child free" time - so many younger parents still seem to be. I have more patience and understanding than at any other time in my life.

AnyF · 06/10/2011 15:30

For the record, I didn't say Aisling was a MILF, I said that she thought she was one

She also said she thought I was jealous because 18yo boys don't fancy me (like her)

They do, I just don't factor it into my self esteem, nor profess to "enjoy" it either Hmm

hairylights · 06/10/2011 15:30

"I had my last at 35 and that was old but my own personal cut off time."

Yet you feel it's fine to jibe at others who's own personal cut off point is later? I'm referring to the grandparent jibe.

Aislingorla · 06/10/2011 15:31

My point is Awen, 36 is not that young!
No name calling please, or I might get upset and tell MNHQ!

Aislingorla · 06/10/2011 15:34

Em...I don't think so AF.
Smug, perhaps Hairy? Hope the energy, patience and understanding gets you through the teenage years. Because, honestly (no winding up intended here) that is where a lot of older parents struggle.

chandellina · 06/10/2011 15:35

bloody heck! without birth control virtually all of us would still be having children at 36 so you can't say it's biologically undesirable.

MamaMaiasaura · 06/10/2011 15:35

And in your 60s doesn't mean life slows right down. My mum and stepdad are extremely active, skins diving, snowmobiles, step dad competes at cowes, very involved with their grandiose who range from 18 to 2 at present. Life is about attitude.

Also judging others for their choice of when it's right for them to have a child is really such a pointless thing to do. I mean seriously, you look at other families and compare yourself Hmm that is sad. And not great message to you kids either IMO.

Also there are many reasons why having children at a young age could present it's own set of issues.

Swipe left for the next trending thread