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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to get angry when parents use my daughter to teach their child sorry?

88 replies

W6mum · 04/10/2011 22:42

My DD is 2 but has recently suffered a spate of being attacked by other children in playgrounds - typically little boys coming up to her and punching her in the face, kicking her in the shins or something similar. So there she is, crying her eyes out, and seeking my protection when owner parent of hooligan child comes up with child (usually child sporting evil and totally unremorseful grin) saying, rather weakly 'now come on, you must say sorry to the little girl'. (for godsake, at least say it like you mean it?!)
Meanwhile, my daughter has to face this little shit again, and I feel like serving some of that rough justice to this child I would have been served when younger, while also being fearful of raising my voice in case it comes back on me

OP posts:
sneakybeak · 04/10/2011 22:45

Children punch your child in the face? Shock plural?

I think it's good that parents are making their children say sorry as part of a 'consequence', you must prefer that than having no apology?

HildaOgden · 04/10/2011 22:45

Is this happening often?Really?

SazZaVoom · 04/10/2011 22:47

So you would rather they were not made to apologise? Confused

EightiesChick · 04/10/2011 22:47

Are you seriously saying you want to hit them back for her, or that you want their parents to hit them to show them what's what? Come on, however angry you are at the time, you must know that's not on.

Are these public playgrounds? I would find some new ones tbh. I know you shouldn't have to, but it would immediately make life easier.

It may not be ideal, but many parents don't even make their kids say sorry. If it were my DS, I think I would go and tell the parent what had happened but stay calm and hope they did the right thing. If they refuse to deal with it or get aggressive then you just need to walk away.

CauldronsTrulyReign · 04/10/2011 22:47

Would you rather she wasn't alopogised to?

Confused
cece · 04/10/2011 22:48

So you would rather they didn't apologise Hmm

SuePurblybilt · 04/10/2011 22:49

I do sympathise but what would you have them do? Nothing? Your DD has to face them, yes, but on the other hand, she does see them being made to apologise.
I would take the opportunity to say to the little darlings 'I'm glad you came to say sorry because you've hurt DD's face/leg and her feelings. I'm sure you wouldn't like it if someone hurt you. Please do not do it again' .

Probably not be a popular opinion on MN or with the other parent but preferable to kicking them back, which would be my Plan A Grin.

Carrotsandcelery · 04/10/2011 22:51

This is a horrible story W6mum. I hope you are taking steps to prevent future attacks on your dd.

That said, it would be even worse if the children were not encouraged to apologise. I understand that you are angry with the children but it would be far worse for them and your dd if they were taught that it was acceptable to do something like this and not face the consequences, one of them being to apologise.

Good luck with happier times at the playgrounds.

CombineArvester · 04/10/2011 22:51

A lot of two year olds smack each other in the face. It doesn't mean they are hooligans. Yes they should make them say sorry. Their parents should follow them round if they know they are hitters. If she is always getting hit, you should follow her round to head it off at the pass. Is she always taking toys or something?

FWIW one of mine was always getting beaten up so I had to watch him more. Then I had another one who was always doing the beating so I had to watch them more.

I found the 'typically little boys' bit quite annoying for some reason.

2ddornot2dd · 04/10/2011 22:53

This used to be my daughter being punched. Now she is the one with the evil grin. I can't help the look on her face, but I can make her try and learn that actions have consequences.

If you really want to protect your daughter help her to find a strategy to stop this from happening in the first place, even if this does mean you finding a new park

thisisyesterday · 04/10/2011 22:53

w6mum... i totally agree!

forced apologies are meaningless and pointless.
why should you and your daughter stand there and wait around while they try and "teach" their children to say sorry?

SuePurblybilt · 04/10/2011 22:54

I assumed she meant that the children hurting hers were usually boys, as opposed to it being typical boys behaviour, fwiw.

2ddornot2dd · 04/10/2011 22:55

this is yesterday because I consider it my job to try and teach my child to say sorry.

Original poster
W6mum · 04/10/2011 22:56

I'm saying if the parents are going to bother doing it they need a tone of voice that is probably somewhere closer to menacing than it is to Bagpuss, and that when their kid keeps on smiling, that's probably a sign that they're not sorry so I want the kid to experience proper punishment - like being immediately removed from the playground. One mum did that - kid was distraught but won't be kicking unknown kids in the face again. I admired her follow-through :)
And no, finding a new park/playground is not an option

OP posts:
HuwEdwards · 04/10/2011 22:56

Not commenting on the apology bit, but your DD is 2 and has had a spate of punching and kicking??

Good grief, I would be concentrating my efforts on ensuring the people caring for her are doing just that and taking steps to protect your child.

Unfortunately being made to apologise is part of acknowledging the consequence. So I'm for it.

cat64 · 04/10/2011 22:57

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Kayano · 04/10/2011 22:58

Do you think the parents set their children on your child deliberately to teach them?! I don't understand?!

Of course if their child hits yours they should be made to apologise! Getting offended by a parent making their child say sorry to yours is crazy! At least they apologise!

Original poster
W6mum · 04/10/2011 22:58

i think the 'typically little boys bit' comes from this frustration that sometimes boys seem to get away with it more because 'they're hyper active little boys you know - what can we do'

OP posts:
reallytired · 04/10/2011 22:59

How old is this "little shit"? What dreadful language to use to describe a small child who may be a similar age to yours. Are you one of these mothers of girls who think that all boys are evil. Occassionally children do fight, especially at two years old when verbal skills aren't there yet. Many two year olds have bugger all concept of sharing or social skills.

If you want to physicaly assult a small child then I think you are a complete shit. Its one thing for a pre school to reliatate, but for the thought to even cross the mind of an adult is shameful. Grow up.

If your dd is constantly getting "attacked" then may be you are not supervising her properly. Prehaps you need to work on her social skills if she is constantly annoying other children and getting into fights. If she has experienced a spate of "attacks" then is highly likely that she has provoked some of the incidents.

thisisyesterday · 04/10/2011 23:01

2ddornot2dd

and I consider it my job to be able to comfort my child and move away from where I am when I wish to without having to stand around humouring some mother who thinks it's necessary to try and force her child to say sorry when they are not.
I've had this happen to me before where ds1 has been crying and all I want to do is go, but oh no, we have to stand around for ages waiting for some kid who is refusing to speak

it's ridiculous. you can teach your child that it's nice to say sorry, and you can discipline them for hitting etc, but trying to force them to say sorry is pointless and simply teaches them that they can do what they like as long as they turn round and say sorry afterwards.

you wanting to "teach" your child to apologise is not more important than my need to comfort my child and take him away from an upsetting situation

goodasgold · 04/10/2011 23:01

Saying sorry doesn't mean anything if you are not sorry.

Being forced to say sorry doesn't mean that you are sorry.

LadyBeagleEyes · 04/10/2011 23:01

There are really parks out there where young children come and punch 2 year olds on a regular basis?
Where do you live OP?

Original poster
W6mum · 04/10/2011 23:01

HuwEdwards, short of keeping her in a gilded cage, I am watching over her always but these things happen quickly.
Kayano - and of course other parents aren't deliberately setting their kids on my DD. But if they're going to apologise, at least they need to be seen to mean it, and perhaps be kept waiting a few minutes just while my child is getting over the assault

OP posts:
Kayano · 04/10/2011 23:03

But you need to teach them somehow that their actions have consequences and that saying sorry is an appropriate response to what has happened!

Should we just never teach kids to say sorry and to work it out for themselves? At 2 years old?!

Original poster
W6mum · 04/10/2011 23:04

Reallytired - at no point have I suggested that anyone physically assault a child, and no I don't think all boys are evil - I think they sometimes get away with more which is an entirely different point
Must be a Hammersmith thing

OP posts: