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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to get angry when parents use my daughter to teach their child sorry?

88 replies

W6mum · 04/10/2011 22:42

My DD is 2 but has recently suffered a spate of being attacked by other children in playgrounds - typically little boys coming up to her and punching her in the face, kicking her in the shins or something similar. So there she is, crying her eyes out, and seeking my protection when owner parent of hooligan child comes up with child (usually child sporting evil and totally unremorseful grin) saying, rather weakly 'now come on, you must say sorry to the little girl'. (for godsake, at least say it like you mean it?!)
Meanwhile, my daughter has to face this little shit again, and I feel like serving some of that rough justice to this child I would have been served when younger, while also being fearful of raising my voice in case it comes back on me

OP posts:
thisisyesterday · 04/10/2011 23:05

kayano... why do you have to do it right then?

you can talk to your child at any time about how it's 1) not ok to hurt other people, and 2) that if you do something unkind then it's nice to say sorry

i fail to see how it helps anyone by forcing an apology that isn't meant and merely causes more upset to the child that has been hurt.

sneakybeak · 04/10/2011 23:06

Getting over the assault?

pictures 2yos with baseball bats and hoodies

HuwEdwards · 04/10/2011 23:06

sorry, assumed when you said playgrounds, that you meant she was in a playschool-type environment - didn't mean to infer that you weren't looking after her.

Well in that case, I would say to the mother, 'appreciate your sentiments, but we need to go home'.

Original poster
W6mum · 04/10/2011 23:08

these are older children doing the hitting - 3-4ish
it happened 3 times this weekend and my DD was not doing anything, just toddling around

OP posts:
LadyBeagleEyes · 04/10/2011 23:10

..I don't think boys are evil - I think sometimes they get away with it more
Really?
So is this a particular problem in Hammersmith Confused.

Kayano · 04/10/2011 23:13

This is...

Obv you don't and shouldn't deal with it just at the park or right then, and you can talk to and teach your kids how it is wrong and you should say sorry etc, of course I think that

However if I witnessed my child hurt another child and not say sorry as I tried to teach them, I would make them apologise to the other child. I would then make sure they understood and have a
Talk about it later

goodasgold · 04/10/2011 23:14

Making somebody say sorry is not right. If they do not feel sorry work on your own childs empathy, don't force them to say words that they don't mean.

'How to teach children to feel sorry' does not come from making them ~say~ sorry.

If you don't understand that then, thats your problem.

sneakybeak · 04/10/2011 23:15

Your DD has been assaulted 3 times this week?? WTF - is this the lebanon? Seriously, I've never seen anything like what you're describing. I'm not accusing you of lying, but I wonder what a) your DD is doing b) how supervised everyone is c) whether the 'perps' are actually deliberately coming over unprovoked and punching your DD in the face.

halcyondays · 04/10/2011 23:15

3-4 isn't very old, at least the parents are getting them to say sorry. Maybe you were just unlucky this weekend, have never seen a child being pushed in the face in five years of going to playgrounds.

halcyondays · 04/10/2011 23:15

Punched in the face

littleducks · 04/10/2011 23:15

I think I had this once at playgroup, a child hit one of mine, unprovoked and quite hard and then their parent was struggling to get an apology out of them.

i didnt hang about, i just walked off with my crying child and said I think he is a bit too upset right now

Perhaps either move your daughter away until she has stopped crying or pick her up, so although she may have to 'face' the other child again she feels secure.

I generally do make mine apologise. And be warned the child that never hits at the toddler stage can be the one that gets quite nasty and 'elbowy' a bit later when all their peers have outgrown it!

CBear6 · 04/10/2011 23:23

My DS has just turned 2yo and while he doesn't hit, thankfully, he can get over-exuberant at times and when he does he sometimes forgets where the boundaries of acceptable/unacceptable lie. When he does something he shouldn't I do three things - I correct him, I apologise to the parent/carer of the other child, and I prompt him to apologise too. If he doesn't apologise/won't apologise then I don't force him to say sorry but I do remind him that it's nice to say sorry when he's done something wrong. Part of my job is to teach him right from wrong, apologising for inappropriate behaviour fits in with that, at age 2 he doesn't understand a long chat about right and wrong but he does understand immediate action such as giving back a snatched toy, being asked to apologise, and then being taken out of the situation.

I see your point about children being forced to give an apology they don't mean but at least their parents are trying to teach them consequences and the importance of an apology. I'd be annoyed if another child hit DS but even more annoyed if they hit him and there were no consequences from the parents. However YABU to refer to a 3-4 year old as a "little shit" that you would like to hit, they're children and small children at that. They're not born with social skills, they have to learn and from the sounds of it their parents are damned if they try to correct them and damned if they don't.

JarethTheGoblinKing · 04/10/2011 23:25

"typically little boys" & "hooligan child"

Unless these children are much older than yours then you need to stop putting the onus on the 'little shits' and start blaming the parents. If a child misbehaves and acts horribly towards your child then tell them off/tell them that it isn't nice behaviour and to be nice.

Leaving aside your obvious hatred towards little boys who dare come near your delicate daughter - your child needs to see you standing up or her. If any other child (boy or girl Hmm) starts being horrible to your DD then you need to let her see that you won't let this happen.

JarethTheGoblinKing · 04/10/2011 23:28

"I think they sometimes get away with more which is an entirely different point"

Don't you dare suggest this. If anything the opposite is true of most parents of boys - making doubly sure they don't live up to the stereotype you seem to have in your head. Hmm

HuwEdwards · 04/10/2011 23:32

Think W6mum and mothers of boys are are getting lioness-like defensive about their children Smile. Unlike girls (who get a whole lot worse later in life) , little boys do have testosterone bursts that can make them a little more exuberant though, don't they?

sneakybeak · 04/10/2011 23:34

I have one of each and I can categorically say without doubt they're both pretty horrid much of the time angels.

Honestly.

SurprisEs · 04/10/2011 23:38

I think you are being a tiny bit unreasonable. I can understand it upsets you but DD, now 2.2 yrs used to be one of those hooligans as you like to call them. She was always very dominant towards other children for some reason that i cant explain. I used to do what you are describing. I'd ask her to say sorry (she really didn't mean it) and explained to her it wasn't nice and it hurt. She is now very well behaved around other children and has learnt to share and be nice to others.

Not all children are passive luttle angels by nature i'm affraid.

Petisa · 04/10/2011 23:45

3-4 year olds are just (v big) babies OP, I'm not excusing hitting in any way, just saying that there is not as much difference between a 2 yo and a 4 yo as you seem to think. They are not "little shits", they are v small children and although hitting is v v bad behaviour, it does not mean said children are evil or hooligans! They're not really aware of how bad what they are doing is yet. Mind you, if my dd (3.6 yo) hit a 2 year old in the park, she would have toys confiscated, 2 days without tv and several reminders of why she was being punished!

I have to say though, I have never seen a 3-4 yo punch anyone in the face Hmm

MCos · 04/10/2011 23:46

Well OP, since your DD is only 2, I'd advise sticking alot closer to her in the playground, and warding off the little hooligans before they actually strike your DD. I would also like a loud 'Oiii' or whatever out of me, to ensure same little hooligans know you are watching. And if they strike too fast, and you are unable to prevent it, let them know that hurting is not OK.
And then let the mom step in to make the 'sorries'.

CBear6 · 04/10/2011 23:50

Me either, I think the worst I've seen in that age group is mild shoving and the occasional kick or pinch/nip. I've heard rumours of biters but I've been fortunate enough not to meet any.

KatieMiddleton · 04/10/2011 23:51

I think the way you have described other children is disgusting. Most children go through a hitting phase. DS did and was watched like a hawk so he never got the chance to punch anyone. Not that he could punch at 2yo. A hard shove, yes. Punch? Don't be so fucking ridiculous. I would also apologize on ds's behalf because on the two occasions when he managed to take a crafty swipe I was right there. Also both mothers were extremely gracious in accepting my apology.

DS has also more recently been the child getting a shove or a slap. Tbh the other patent has always been mortified. I've been relieved in the most part that it wasn't DS hitting and that he wasn't actually hurt. We only had tears if DS was over tired.

Perhaps I should carry a fuck-off big stick and give him a hiding if he upsets any other children? That'll learn him Hmm

JarethTheGoblinKing · 04/10/2011 23:53

There's benign neglect, and then there's helicopter parenting. Me things you need to do more of the latter and get between your baby and the older children.

It won't be long before your tiny 2yo is the one spitting and shouting in the playground. (they all do it at least once.)

JarethTheGoblinKing · 04/10/2011 23:55

Oh - there's a 'naughty' child at soft play that whacked DS round the head with a space-hopped the other day. His Mum happened to be looking the other way at that split second. I told him off, she got arsey at me. Tough shit - I will stand up for my kid and tell off obviously bad behaviour.

sneakybeak · 04/10/2011 23:56

Yep - my DD was a biter. Not my DS though. No idea why. Was horrible. Grown out of it now thank-goodness. Managed to stop her biting anyone except her brother and he deserved it, but it was hard work. Luckily other Mums were sympathetic and didn't sweep their child away from mine at the first sight of her.

seeker · 05/10/2011 00:03

I have never seen a 3 year old punch another child in the face.