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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

A relative pinched my 14 month old baby on her face

532 replies

Snickers25 · 04/10/2011 22:20

My partners sister pinched our baby on the face, causing a bruise that lasted 10 days. I saw the aunt pinch my daughter just as I walked past the room. I assume my baby might have pinched her first (but that's no excuse as the aunt is 43 and my daughter is only 14 months old). My baby daughter screamed in pain and sobbed for several minutes afterwards. As soon as I saw it happen I scooped her up and removed her from the room but now I don't trust this woman with my kids. I have 3 Pre-schoolers and this aunt has moved in with us for 12-18 months!
I didn't say anything to the aunt at the time as I was too shocked and upset. I haven't mentioned it since & it was 2 months ago. I asked my partner to speak to the aunt (his sister) which he did & she seemed surprised about the deep blue bruise on baby's cheek. He apparently said that only we (parents) are to discipline the children.

My daughter also had a large cut on her top lip a few weeks before (obviously a fingernail cut from the aunt) which the aunt said was caused by baby's fingernail. She had only been with the aunt for an hour. It definitely wasn't from baby as it was too wide/thick to be from a baby's fingernail. I couldn't understand why she would lie about an accident. I wouldn't have been upset/angry about an accident! Why lie about it?

However, I don't trust her now & I sure as heck don't want my kids to have to live with her if something ever happened to me & my partner (that aunt is in our will as being guardian and I want that changed now).
Has anyone else had something similar happen? How did you handle it? Thanks for any advice.

OP posts:
Petisa · 05/10/2011 00:10

Agree with HerHissyness, great post.

RIZZ0 · 05/10/2011 00:10

Petisa, me too, she'd be kissing the pavement in a nano-second.

But everyone is different, yelling at the OP won't give her courage.

lisad123 · 05/10/2011 00:11

I'm pretty sure it's not true that MN knows where we all are. Had a few people post before that they planned to kill themselves and of course we wanted to check op was safe and asked MNHQ for help, but nothing they could do.
Posts like that are unhelpful, unkind and seriously ott Hmm

mumsamilitant · 05/10/2011 00:11

But getting bloody hysterical about it isn't going to help is it! I'm sure the OP will act accordingly. Stop bloody beasting her. SHE KNOWS!

freakendblue · 05/10/2011 00:11

rizzo true but no one is shouting, just trying to make her see sense.

Petisa · 05/10/2011 00:12

Well I don't agree with attacking the OP either but I can see some might do it as a way to shock her into action iyswim.

freakendblue · 05/10/2011 00:14

She knows? If she knew she'd protect that baby asap. I'm off ,can't bear the sympathy for a grown woman, children first especially babies, toddlers. Sad

Birdsgottafly · 05/10/2011 00:15

Speaking as a SW, i (and the police/court) would remove the children if you were unwilling to tell her to leave, as you cannot protect them from physical harm.

If a child is marked for 10 days then considerable force has been used, you don't know how far she will go. The injuries that she is causing are very strange. There not slaps, as done by generation gone back. If your DD starts to bite, will she bite back?

Original poster
Snickers25 · 05/10/2011 00:15

Thank you for your comments. Yes, the reasons it has taken me so long to ask on mumsnet is because I havent posted a conversation before, am not confident with online chatting, do not have any free time as I have young children (it is midnight for me now & I know I'll be up again at 5am), I didn't know how to put all this into words, it has been eating away at me, my partner reassured me he spoke to her seriously about it and I didn't appreciate how quick and how real the help from this site could be. In answer to questions, no she does not pay to live here as she isn't a boarder and we aren't in need of such. She came with the intention of helping.

OP posts:
Petisa · 05/10/2011 00:16

And she HAS already talked to her dp mumsamilitant and he apparently had a word with his sister. But she obviously feels this is not good enough and is exhausted from keeping this woman and her children apart day in day out, and so now she has posted on here, as she knows her insides are screaming at her what she has to do, and has asked us for advice and support. And we are all saying, YANBU OP, get her out now!

mumsamilitant · 05/10/2011 00:16

The OP has said what she thought she saw. She was concerned enough to voice it. Everyone fainting and feeling sick is bloody silly.

OP, You obviously are very concerned for your baby (s). Do what you need to do. x

Birdsgottafly · 05/10/2011 00:16

"getting bloody hysterical about it isn't going to help is it!"

I have dealt with to many 'shaken baby syndrome' injuries to agree with that.

lenny101 · 05/10/2011 00:17

Was a genuine question Snickers, what do you feel your options are? Other than being 'hawk-eyed' and constantly on alert for the next 18 months. (Of course, you've protected your children, by the way, by not allowing them to be alone with the aunt).

frutilla · 05/10/2011 00:18

Do you have any idea what passed in the conversation between DP and his sister? It might help understand her motives and the situation.....I mean, is she just very insensitive, careless or is she actively trying to harm the children? What is she like as a person, is she stable? Does she drink and then start acting out? I think you need to get to the bottom of whether this is something like that Munchausens' syndrome or plain cruelty, or extreme carelessness and then decide how to deal with it. What if she poured boiling water over your baby? Something like that could take one second and maim for life!!!!

Petisa · 05/10/2011 00:18

It IS very strange isn't it Birds. It's sneaky, underhand, and abusive.

frutilla · 05/10/2011 00:19

And are you worried about your relationship with DP if you ask his sister to leave? Is this at the bottom of why you haven't taken stronger measures?

pigletmania · 05/10/2011 00:20

My dear gran (from Cyprus) used to do that to me when I was little. She would come up to me and pinch my chubby cheeks as presumably they were so pinchworthy, she continued to do that right up until I was about 11, till I was not cute anymore. It was done in a 'aww isent she so cute fashion' as a lot of the Mediterranean grans do. I have been known to do that to my nephew and niece sometimes, but not now that they are older.

mumsamilitant · 05/10/2011 00:22

thank you petisa.

OP, If what Im subsequently hearing is right, and you really are "exhausted" trying to keep aunt and kids apart I'm quite shocked (dont shock easily). What does your husband say?

lisad123 · 05/10/2011 00:22

Can you not sit down with our dh, explain your feelings about his sister and explain that you don't trust her with the children? He may be upset but he will know it makes sense.
I had to do with dh family (nothing nasty bit one memember made me very uncomfortable) he will understand and if he cant besupportiveyou need to be strong an tell her to leave. Have you taken pic of lip? She sounds quite nasty, it's not even a loss. Of control on her part, so clearly intentional harm Sad

Birdsgottafly · 05/10/2011 00:23

piglet- and you had bruises for 10 days and sobbed and screamed when she did it?

Did you get cut lips to?

If you can cause an 14 month old to scream in pain and not see a problem, you shouldn't be around children.

RIZZ0 · 05/10/2011 00:23

Snickers, I have to hit the hay, but listen, she's not helping.
She hurt and upset your baby. You're won't leave them alone because you fear what may happen. Find a way to get rid.

I know you've hesitated thus far because she is your partners sister and family is complicated. Sometimes we can let awful situations carry on and not really know what we are doing, or lack the self-confidence to act in case we've got it wrong somehow, but you mustn't let that stop you protecting your child.

Your instincts are telling you it's wrong. Who travels from the other side of the world to "help" by injuring a young child? It sounds to me she fancies a free ride at your place and isn't half as fond to the kids as she makes out.

Your OH may be upset at the fallout briefly, but will thank you long term when the dust has settled. Ask her to leave or find another way to get her to go but do something soon. Keep us posted?

pigletmania · 05/10/2011 00:23

When I went to my other Cypriot relatives they used to take it in turns to pinch my supposidly cute chubby cheeks.

Birdsgottafly · 05/10/2011 00:24

If your child becomes ill and happens to have a mark when you go to the doctors the CP process will start, so you best start dosing her up with medicine now.

Petisa · 05/10/2011 00:25

Piglet but did they leave bruises that lasted 10 days?

pigletmania · 05/10/2011 00:26

Er no Birdsgottafly totally not. If this is done in a malicious way than it is of course not right and the op should not have the person in their house.

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