A relative pinched my 14 month old baby on her face

[Snickers25]

My partners sister pinched our baby on the face, causing a bruise that lasted 10 days. I saw the aunt pinch my daughter just as I walked past the room. I assume my baby might have pinched her first (but that's no excuse as the aunt is 43 and my daughter is only 14 months old). My baby daughter screamed in pain and sobbed for several minutes afterwards. As soon as I saw it happen I scooped her up and removed her from the room but now I don't trust this woman with my kids. I have 3 Pre-schoolers and this aunt has moved in with us for 12-18 months!
I didn't say anything to the aunt at the time as I was too shocked and upset. I haven't mentioned it since & it was 2 months ago. I asked my partner to speak to the aunt (his sister) which he did & she seemed surprised about the deep blue bruise on baby's cheek. He apparently said that only we (parents) are to discipline the children.

My daughter also had a large cut on her top lip a few weeks before (obviously a fingernail cut from the aunt) which the aunt said was caused by baby's fingernail. She had only been with the aunt for an hour. It definitely wasn't from baby as it was too wide/thick to be from a baby's fingernail. I couldn't understand why she would lie about an accident. I wouldn't have been upset/angry about an accident! Why lie about it?

However, I don't trust her now & I sure as heck don't want my kids to have to live with her if something ever happened to me & my partner (that aunt is in our will as being guardian and I want that changed now).
Has anyone else had something similar happen? How did you handle it? Thanks for any advice.

I can't believe that she's staying at your home for free and then jetting off for a three-week Carribean holiday!

Could you nip into her room and pour a tiny bit of water on her mattress just where her bum would be, just after she gets up every morning?

She won't notice until she goes to bed that night and it's a bit damp. She will think that she's getting stress-and-decaf induced bed-wetting. That might help!

Also, tiny holes in everything of hers that goes in the wash.

Drive drawing pins into the soles of her shoes.

Write 'goodbye' on hundreds of really tiny pieces of paper and hide them all over the house in places she will eventually see them. In her handbag. In her shoes. Under a book she's going to pick up. Tiny little goodbyes popping up to give her the eedjies every now and then.

Keep replacing the lightbulb in her room with a blown-out one.

Good lord.

OP I really don't think eviction by Kung Po Chicken is a good idea.

And would it really work? If I stayed somewhere where I had takeaways ordered for me every night I would never leave.

shoni I know I may sound like some wizened up old English teacher but your posts are far, far easier to read without at the !!!!

PMSL at eviction by Kung Po Chicken.

Surely the OP should be stuffing her with pom bears?

Good idea Shroud Then OP could tell her she has to go as she cannot possibly have a baby-pinching pyscho SIL who pisses the bed in her house

Sounds like any positives she might have brought to the house have vanished now and you are dealing with a ton of problems, anxieties and fears around your so called 'helper'. Time to get your safe home back, so time to get her - an adult woman with means to holiday abroad for 3 weeks - to find another home now.

You've mentioned a couple of times that she gets on well with your other kids. They are both boys right? Sometimes a person will be abusive towards one child in a family, in this case it could be because of gender. She might have some seriously undealt with issues regarding her own past and it's coming out in spiteful anger towards your baby girl. Just a passing thought but I wouldn't trust her with your daughter because she's good with your sons IYSWIM. Or it could be age. The older ones would protest more, say what happened. Your daughter is more vulnerable because she can't talk and is at an age when bumps and bruises are common anyway.

Trust your gut instinct and if in doubt err on the side of caution here. You are gaining nothing from her that's positive, you were doing her a favour in the first place, she has broken that trust and it isn't worth the risk of your daughter angering her aunt in some way that she again responds with calm cruelty.

Thankyou Lovethesea, your comments are very much appreciated. Someone else on this MN thread suggested similar. I feel this could be part of her underlying issues. Since this happened, apart from being horrified, angry etc, I just couldn't come to terms with why & how a supposed loving aunt could do that to her baby niece. Of course I'll be the first to say my daughter is beautiful & perfect etc (all parents believe this to be the case with all of their children), however I suspect this woman has some misplaced envy/jealousy. That may explain why my sons haven't been on the receiving end of it. Of course, I wish to reiterate that does NOT mean I will be trusting her with either of them. She has decided to take another 3 week holiday (this time Switzerland) in the next few weeks. Of course I'm over the moon and only wish she was going immediately.
I did laugh at the mention of wet sheets but the last thing I need is to be caught doing that. Perhaps I'll allow some 2 year old toilet training on or near her pillow.

Bloody he'll op your house is being used as a hotel get rid of her

What I don't get is why you can't ask her to leave immediately?

If you could just explain this you would instantly get rid of the people having a go at you.

I've no wish to have a go, but I certainly don't understand this AT all.

I haven't read the whole thread but please tell me you have chucked her out? She has bruised and cut your child. I wouldn't give two shits about family dynamics or offending anyone or even where she went, I would be concerned about your own family as a priority.

oh god this is so ridiculous even a Chinny Reckon performed by the great chinned wonder Bruce Forsythe himself would not suffice

I mean, come on people, who in their right mind writes ".....but just hasn't the same consideration on what is appropriate." about a woman pinching a kids cheek so hard it bruises . I mean WHO would even use the word 'appropriate' in this situation??

I call big hairy testicles to this.

So is she coming back after this next trip? I'd change the locks!

Snickers, you have the 3wk holiday to tell your DH that when she gets back, she will be asked to leave. There really IS no other option.

snickers, I don't have children, but I do have several step-grandchildren/nephews/nieces/young cousins under the age of 10. And I have never pinched or otherwise laid a finger on any of them.

So here is my take on your SIL. I am concerned that she seems to think that if your baby daughter pinches her, then she (SIL) should pinch her (your baby daughter) back. This is not the action of an adult who is behaving rationally.

Please just concentrate on this thought: even a person who does not have their own children (such as me; such as her) knows that it isn't right to pinch a child.

Please point this out to your husband, and to your SIL.

I can see that you must have been in shock when this happened - no-one would have been expecting that to happen.

But please gather your courage in both hands, tell the aunt that what she did was wrong, and ask her to leave.

All the best, snickers.

Thankyou princessfiorimonde for your message from another perspective (someone without children of their own, but yet having had experience of looking after & being around children). It is further reassuring to hear that you would never do that to a baby or child. As I mentioned initially, prior to having children myself I would never have done so either. Since having children I would not do so to my OWN kids, let alone someone else's.

Someone has asked again why I didn't ask her to leave straight away. I have had tremendous difficulty coming to terms with what she did and have kept it bottled up. Since it happened I don't trust her & have been at a loss to understand how she could be that cruel to my daughter. I didn't turn to friends here as we'd only just moved to the area earlier this year.

When something like this is playing over and over in your head it is hard to see clearly on how to deal with it. It might seem plain & simple to some of you but it's not quite that easy to put into practice when you've had no experience of something like this ever before and have no confidantes or trusted friends/family nearby to discuss it with. I am pretty sure if I had my family to turn to, then it would have been dealt with swiftly (they would have told her to leave no questions asked). I have since told my mother. She was absolutely disgusted & burst into tears because she couldn't bear to hear someone had done that to her granddaughter.

The aunt decided to come to live with us for 12-18 months when hearing she was to be made redundant. She rang my DP (her brother) and then just arrived. I hadn't really had a chance to think too much about it but didn't feel particularly excited. I did think at the time that it was kind of her to want to help (to give us some much needed "time out" to go out to dinner, or a walk in the park without kids etc). However, from Day One I just could not leave the kids with her. I don't know if it was her or the fact that I've never left them with anyone...but I just didn't feel comfortable leaving 3 young children with someone who wasn't a parent and wasnt trained in childcare. What I mean by that is it's bloody hard work, it's chaos and one small mistake can spell disaster. I mean how the hell is she going to cope making dinner with toddlers under her feet pulling stuff out of the cupboards & creating mayhem? How is she going to know when she needs to call it quits & just make them a sandwich because all that crying is because they CAN'T wait for something to cook, then cool down. For goodness sake I had to tell her not to give Pepsi to a 1 year old. If I have to spell that out, even with the best intentions she is not going to cope.

As I've said previously, I know it is going to cause great offence to DP's family when she is told to leave. Ideally I'd like to be abroad with the kids myself so I don't have to cope with the bad feeling or tears or moods. If this had been one of my friends or family (never in a million years, but HAD it been) of course I'd therefore know them well. That would have made it a heck of a lot simpler. I would have said (with my hands around their neck) "you do NOT do that to a baby. How dare you. You're out".

Snickers, that sounds like a cry from the heart. I am so sorry that you are going through this. Of course the whole thing has made you feel churned up. You say you have kept this bottled up; I can well believe it, and I am gutted on your behalf that a family member - someone you should have been able to trust - has behaved like this.

Please don't beat yourself up about what has happened - you couldn't expect or predict it. Who could? I absolutely agree that in hindsight everyone 'knows' how they 'would have reacted'. Other posters above have said this too - lots of us are on your side!

What does matter is what you can do now. And by 'you', I mean both you and your DH. It is hard for him (and, you say, his family) to accept that you have to ask the aunt to leave. But I think it sounds as if you have both decided to do this now. And together, you know, you can weather the bad feeling and all - knowing that you are doing the right thing.

I am so sorry too that you don't have family and friends close by to hold your hand through this. I hope your Mum gives you lots of positive support on the phone. Maybe she might be able to come to stay just for a few days, after the aunt has gone, just to give a bit of practical and emotional support? If you think that would help, and if she can?

Sending you lots of supportive hugs.

I am amazed that someone could stay for more than a week without feeling like an imposition, let alone inviting themselves as an unifying guest for over a year. Everything else aside, that really goggles my mind, and makes me think that something isn't quite right with her "socially" if you see what I mean.

So, if worried about the consequences, I would suggest gently that she's outstayed her welcome first and see where that gets you. Hopefully DH's family will understand. You have enough to cope with, with 3 small kids without having someone else in the house who isn't helping at all, it's not on, even not considering the pinch.

I am sitting here feeding my 6 month old and looking at her face. I can't imagine how someone even could pinch a baby hard enough to make them cry, let alone bruise the cheek. I agree with the posters who say something isn't quite right with your SIL.

Sorry, unifying should be unpaying, I missed that on the phone autocorrect.

No, I think you misunderstand. I didn't want to know why you didn't ask her to leave straight away.

I meant why don't you ask her NOW to leave?

Your reason that it will offend her (and your partner's family) is not terribly rational.

I don't know the ins and outs of social work but if push came to shove and you were asked about your daughter's injury, I suspect that the fact that you continued to allow the perpetrator to stay in the same house would go very much against you in terms of not having your daughter removed by social services.

YOU could get into trouble. And this woman could do it again, it only takes a few seconds as you said yourself. What will it be next - a broken arm, a cut that needs medical attention? Then what?

straight to A&E, an automatic referral to the HV (as happens when a child is injured, standard practise) and you'll find your SELF under very close scrutiny.

are you really willing to take that risk? I think you're completely nuts to put 'offending the family' ahead of your child's, and your welfare.

Your dp should have consulted you first before making that decision, its about a partnership.

I understand that it is difficult to upset family members but it needs doing.

So what if your dp family are offended! What about you and your feelings, don't they count. And what she did to your dd. STuff the lot of them, tell dp your asking her to leave, give her a couple of weeks notice.

All this talk about family. Your daughter is your family! And a hell of a lot closer family than an aunt from Australia . Something is very very wrong with your "family" dynamics, you could probably benefit from family counselling.

Reall snickers your dp sister did not worry about offending you or hurting your dd when she pinched your dd causing a 10 day bruise, and so much so that your daughter was screaming and sobbing. No normal person would do that, she sounds unhindged. From your posts, she did not sound remotely sorry or remorseful but displayed a totally blase attitude towards it. I am sorry but there must be something up when your dp goes behind your back without consulting you first, to have his sister stay not for a few weeks but 12-18 months ffs!

It shows a total lack of respect for you and your feelings. I would grow a pair and tell him in no uncertain terms that she has to go within the next couple of weeks, if not you will be telling her yourself, and helping her to pack her bags. Your dp should also pay for her airline ticket home.

Some really good points here. Snickers, I would bet folding money that the reason you're feeling so down right now is that the situation in your home for the last 2 months completely contradicts what Mama Tiger is telling you: SIL needs to go. I can't imagine how exhausting it must be to have to arrange your life to ensure that none of your children is ever left alone with their aunt! It's GOT to be fucking you up.

I really hope you can see that the only option is for SIL to leave.

It would be great if she got the hint that she's not really welcome here and packed up and left of her own accord, but I don't think that's going to happen. So that leaves telling her to sling her hook.

My own view (see upthread) is that you should sit her down and calmly and rationally tell her the truth, which is that her offer of help, while appreciated, isn't working out because since you witnessed the pinch, you can't actually trust her to be around the children unsupervised. Tell her the truth. You've been bottling it up for 2 months, and what's that got you? Untold stress, a terrible diet, a massive chocolate and takeaway bill and a SIL you still can't trust around the kids.

Look- she pinched your daughter's face in a manner that not one of the several hundred people who've posted on this thread could justify in a million years. She did that for one of two reasons. Either she genuinely believes that this is a reasonable way to discipline a year-old baby, or she is a dangerous, nasty piece of work who enjoys inflicting pain on those too small to defend themselves. If the former, you'll be doing her a favour by pointing out the error of her ways; if the latter, who gives an actual FUCK what she or any other member of the family thinks?

I also think you should issue marching orders before she leaves for Switzerland, so she knows she's coming back basically to pack up and get out.

Good luck with it- I really do genuinely know how hard it can be to deal with family. FWIW my own SIL is Australian and occasionally bizarre (not suggesting any causal link between the two ), but I blew up at her a few years ago- as in properly lost control of myself, shouting and screaming like a madwoman- and to be fair, it did the trick. That was after 10 years of treading on eggshells, so if I can do it, so can you!