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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

A relative pinched my 14 month old baby on her face

532 replies

Snickers25 · 04/10/2011 22:20

My partners sister pinched our baby on the face, causing a bruise that lasted 10 days. I saw the aunt pinch my daughter just as I walked past the room. I assume my baby might have pinched her first (but that's no excuse as the aunt is 43 and my daughter is only 14 months old). My baby daughter screamed in pain and sobbed for several minutes afterwards. As soon as I saw it happen I scooped her up and removed her from the room but now I don't trust this woman with my kids. I have 3 Pre-schoolers and this aunt has moved in with us for 12-18 months!
I didn't say anything to the aunt at the time as I was too shocked and upset. I haven't mentioned it since & it was 2 months ago. I asked my partner to speak to the aunt (his sister) which he did & she seemed surprised about the deep blue bruise on baby's cheek. He apparently said that only we (parents) are to discipline the children.

My daughter also had a large cut on her top lip a few weeks before (obviously a fingernail cut from the aunt) which the aunt said was caused by baby's fingernail. She had only been with the aunt for an hour. It definitely wasn't from baby as it was too wide/thick to be from a baby's fingernail. I couldn't understand why she would lie about an accident. I wouldn't have been upset/angry about an accident! Why lie about it?

However, I don't trust her now & I sure as heck don't want my kids to have to live with her if something ever happened to me & my partner (that aunt is in our will as being guardian and I want that changed now).
Has anyone else had something similar happen? How did you handle it? Thanks for any advice.

OP posts:
Petisa · 05/10/2011 23:01

Unfortunately this is what AIBU is like, OP. People can get hysterical and carried away. Some posters have decided your SIL is hitting and nipping your dc behind your back, and are blaming you for it, which is a lot of assuming, considering this is anonymous and they don't know you. You say they are never left alone with her, so obviously she cannot nip/hit them. I think the person who said you were "tittle-tattling to your dp" probably thought it was bizarre you didn't talk to her yourself, and confront her straight away, given that you saw her do it. She didn't express it very kindly though.

You could try posting in the Relationships topic, as people are really nice and supportive there and would give you good advice on how to deal with your SIL and dp and the fall out after confronting her, etc. Lots of people who post here never look at the other topics. You could name change too if you prefer.

runningwilde · 05/10/2011 23:03

What a load of nonsense you write op - and yet again you fail to address that fact that you need to remove this woman from your home. And, quite frankly, your comments on what you don't do are bizarre - creche gyms are staffed by ofsted inspected careworkers who - unlike you - would not tolerate an adult pinching a baby. All you want to hear is things you agre with and you are being to sound very flouncy. What do you want from this as you clearly have no intention of listening to anything people say on here - unless it suits you - so why waste our time?

The fact is you are negligent and you have let down your baby by doing nothing to address what happened. Flounce all you like but this is true.

Shoni · 05/10/2011 23:08

Just for the record!!
You should read my post again!!
I said if we hadn't heard from you as we were concerned I was going to report this post!! As in to make mn aware you might need help!! As you had not replied for a while!!
My hopes are for you to remove your sister in law away from your children to prevent causing them any further harm! A pinch which bruises in that way you described IS a form of abuse!! It was even broadcasted in eastenders one time!! Were the step mother was causing bruises with pinching so hard and burning! The characters name in it at the time was Ben mitchel and that type of abuse IS abuse and I feel that the pinching your sil has done to your baby is similar to that story line of child abuse! I know you won't leave your kids alone with her which is great! But what happens if you need the loo and need to leave them for a spilt second? If an abuser wants to hurt a child that person will find a way!!! Its your home why should you and your kids walk on egg shells for her horrible benefit ? And why are you keeping her in your home? After what she did to your baby? And this you never answer properly!! That's why I feel a bit angry towards you also as you have not removed her out!! And the way your husband had said that you two are the only ones to discipline your kids!! Is basically saying to sil only we can pinch our children!? If it was my hubby and it was his sister he'd of dragged her out by the scruff of her neck and let me kick f**k out of her!! And reported her to the police?
And as i had said before, your baby will not understand what she is doing! Just makes me also think.. has she been behaving this way to other children also? Before when living in oz? I feel sorry for your baby and children having to put up with her! I feel angry (a little) towards you for not getting sil away or at least reporting sil to the police so they will deal with it,..in case you do feel trapped or un able to make a decision! And another thing you haven't given full details of questions people have asked you? you have kind of dodged them!! Like why is she still there two months later??
What happens if she is deciding to stay for longer?? God bless all your family and I prey you do what's best for your family...

runningwilde · 05/10/2011 23:08

If you want the best for yor children then why is this woman still in your home? Why have you never answered the question that so many people here have asked - are you going to ask her to leave because what she did is disturbing and she does not sound like someone who should be near your children.

lenny101 · 05/10/2011 23:08

ofsted inspected so everything's tickety boo, runningwilde? What a charmed life you must lead. Now, get down from that high horse and find another thread for heaven's sake, you and others have successfully killed this one.

Petisa · 05/10/2011 23:10

But she did address what happened. She talked to her dp who talked to his sister. She is now finding she is not happy with that, it is not enough for her, she can't live like that in her own home, and the strain is making her want to take the kids and run away.

So you can't say she has done nothing because it is not true.

However OP, when you took your baby away from her did you not say anything there and then? Did you just walk away? Did the shock strike you dumb at the time and then did you go away and seethe? I just can't imagine how you could say nothing...? Did you feel it was your dp's responsibility, not yours?

runningwilde · 05/10/2011 23:14

Shoni - don't hold your breath for the op to answer anything... she is incapable of giving a straight answer and you are right she has dodged questions.

She is very good at turning up to offer her indignant ramblings though.

The fact is, if she doesn't hear what she wants to hear she becomes indignant and likes to talk about how great she is whilst neglecting the fact she is failing her children by allowing that awful aunt to stay there.

It is all so bizarre.

cloudsandwind · 05/10/2011 23:14

Just ask this woman to move out. It's very simple.

If she asks why say "I saw you pinch my baby's cheek, and obviously as I can't leave you alone with her now, the help you were offering is no longer of any use". Be direct, be simple, you don't need to get angry. If she argues, use the broken record technique and keep repeating what you've said. You and your children have the right to feel safe and secure in your home. With this woman there you don't have that, so it's OK to ask her to leave. She'll survive.

runningwilde · 05/10/2011 23:15

What on earth are you on about lennie? Grow up.

lenny101 · 05/10/2011 23:21

That's lenny, and I'm all grown thanks.

Shoni · 05/10/2011 23:27

Sometimes ‘running' I feel as tho people like lenni only come on her to wind people up!! Or They are completely missing the point of what we are all saying? Sounds to me op came on here for people to feel sorry for her! I give up! As I said i prey she does what's intended from a caring parent!!! Good luck and god bless!! X

lenny101 · 05/10/2011 23:35

I like to support people actually.

peasandlove · 05/10/2011 23:43

wow Shock

pigletmania · 05/10/2011 23:59

I agree snickers and thanks for coming back. Some of the stuff said is awful tbh and very reactionary as can be concerning MN.

pigletmania · 06/10/2011 00:00

The op did not mention in her update what has happened to the sister btw, there is a lot of assuming going on here.

Kick2down · 06/10/2011 00:37

Hi Snickers,

Hopefully you're still reading even if you don't intend to post again - though as the hysteria crowd have been largely sent packing, I hope you will.

Just wanted to say that your SIL's behaviour seems actually quite sinister, or can be read that way. Abusers do often pick one child to hurt, for whatever reason, so the fact that your other children are completely fine with her may simply mean she has focussed her energies on the baby.

And I find it concerning that both injuries were obvious ones, intended to cause damage to your DD's face. In light of the injury to her cheek, I doubt the earlier cut to her lip was an accident. It's like she's trying to scar the girl. It's not the act of someone meting out inappropriate punishment (like a bite for a bite). It really is deeply nasty, and directed very specifically against only one child.

Anyway, I know you're not leaving the baby alone with her. And of course you already want her out of the house. Just wanted to add my thoughts.

All the best and all courage to you!

wannabeamillionaire · 06/10/2011 01:02

Snickers. the best advice I can give you is to totally blank most of the posts on here and as a mother protect your kids in the best way that you can. Dont take any negative comments but take the positive and move on. take care xx

burgerclub · 06/10/2011 02:58

Amazing thread.

LoveBeingAMummyAgain · 06/10/2011 03:37

I think what lots of people have a problem with /find difficult to understand is how you didn't shout at her to stop/ say something at the time. As well as why she is still living with you and has got away with a little chat with your dh, seemingly without and explanation.

The strength of feeling comes out of concern for your children.

runningwilde · 06/10/2011 05:54

Good points kick and lovebeingmummy

Agree too shoni - it is a Shame but I suspect you are right about op wanting sympathy and not liking any strong reaction. That poor baby, I hope that what 'kick' said in her post was wrong but I do fear she is right about the aunt

And surprise, op still hasn't answered any direct questions - we are wasting our time here on this negligence

Original poster
Snickers25 · 06/10/2011 08:46

Thankyou Lenny101 and Slartbartfest and pigletmania, I know you understand I've been deep in thought over this issue & not deliberately not replying (as Runningwilde suggests. That woman clearly foes NOT have young children to look after or she would know it's often impossible to get quiet time to think, let alone chat on MN) Thankyou you to Petisa for suggesting the relationship site. If I get the courage to ever ask for advice on here again I will try your suggestion.
Getorfmo1land thank you for the information you mentioned & thanks for your time commenting on this thread.
Runningwilde, what you said about crèche facilities for children and nurseries being safe is rubbish. There have been too many children abused while in the care of supposed Ofstead regulated staff. Just because someone does not hold a conviction, does not mean they are a safe & kind person! I'm glad you're not one of my personal friends as you are unsupportive, unreasonable & aggressive. I read that you've also been having a go at Lenny101 which is just plain antagonistic. Lenny101 has been offering sound, rational & sensible advice. And not trying to wind up other MN users on this thread.
As I have said already, this issue has NOT been ignored. Just because I haven't written such on MN does not constitute "doing nothing".
Shoni, I don't watch Eastenders but of course appreciate your time in writing your thoughts. I would be very wary of believing anything in a TV soap because it's written and acted out for maximum viewer satisfaction I would imagine.
Kick2down, Thank-you for another perspective (always to the face). I hadn't considered that but you are right it is a valid concern.
I have to go now but I will update more fully soon for those who wish to know what is happening.

OP posts:
Pagwatch · 06/10/2011 08:48

Actually I think a big chunk of the strength of feeling comes from a thorough enjoyment of imagining yourself on some kind of moral high ground. Even if it is purely imaginary.

Shoni. Thanks for your comments about how your brother would kick the shit out of his sister. It helps me place the rest of your comments in a much clearer context and evaluate exactly how much weight any rational person should give them. In case you are curious, none.

Op, well done for coming back and wading through the shite.
You are clearly still uncomfortable and worried in spite of what you see as sensible precautions. I suspect your instincts are good and that you can't leave this. Does part of your discomfort arise from the way this has become a kind of unspoken thing? You were too shocked to speak at the time, you then spoke to your dh, your dh spoke to your sil... It is all becoming awkward and secretive which makes you feel uncertain and unable to raise it.

But you need to tell your dh how you feel and explain that the position cannot continue, that he needs to accept that you are uncomfortable with her there and find a way to move her out. You know you will be concerned as long as she lives there.

freakendblue · 06/10/2011 09:45

Umm haven't got time to go through this now OP, but I don't think I did say it was GBH. Will be trawling through later to check or if you would like to actually quote me that would be helpful.

ShroudOfHamsters · 06/10/2011 09:51

As Pagwatch said. You will be concerned and uptight as long as she lives there. Your posts clearly show that it's never going to be a simple case of asking her to leave - you feel you can't do that. My suggestion would be, talk to your DH in more detail, make it clear how awful having her there is making your feel - this woman who deliberately hurt your baby, his baby. Ask him to help you plan for her to leave as soon as possible.

freakendblue · 06/10/2011 09:51

I am happy to stand corrected OP. But I have just searched for where I said it was GBH and can not find it or remember putting that. Unless you or someone else can prove otherwise I have to conclude you are in fact a liar which for me now throws doubt on to this whole sorry thread.

I like many other have tried to support you in keeping your children safe but I shall not be returning to this thread after this. I hope your children will be ok.