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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

A relative pinched my 14 month old baby on her face

532 replies

Snickers25 · 04/10/2011 22:20

My partners sister pinched our baby on the face, causing a bruise that lasted 10 days. I saw the aunt pinch my daughter just as I walked past the room. I assume my baby might have pinched her first (but that's no excuse as the aunt is 43 and my daughter is only 14 months old). My baby daughter screamed in pain and sobbed for several minutes afterwards. As soon as I saw it happen I scooped her up and removed her from the room but now I don't trust this woman with my kids. I have 3 Pre-schoolers and this aunt has moved in with us for 12-18 months!
I didn't say anything to the aunt at the time as I was too shocked and upset. I haven't mentioned it since & it was 2 months ago. I asked my partner to speak to the aunt (his sister) which he did & she seemed surprised about the deep blue bruise on baby's cheek. He apparently said that only we (parents) are to discipline the children.

My daughter also had a large cut on her top lip a few weeks before (obviously a fingernail cut from the aunt) which the aunt said was caused by baby's fingernail. She had only been with the aunt for an hour. It definitely wasn't from baby as it was too wide/thick to be from a baby's fingernail. I couldn't understand why she would lie about an accident. I wouldn't have been upset/angry about an accident! Why lie about it?

However, I don't trust her now & I sure as heck don't want my kids to have to live with her if something ever happened to me & my partner (that aunt is in our will as being guardian and I want that changed now).
Has anyone else had something similar happen? How did you handle it? Thanks for any advice.

OP posts:
PetiteRaleuse · 05/10/2011 16:47

Grin Penguins

CaveMum · 05/10/2011 16:57

[pictures GetOrf in trenchcoat looking like Helga from 'Allo 'Allo]

GetOrfMo1Land · 05/10/2011 17:39

How did you know cavemum?

Very fuunny penguins especially 'dad, is that you'

stripeywoollenhat · 05/10/2011 17:42

penguins - yabu, in imagining that someone from ss would be available to take a call...

PenguinsAreThePoint · 05/10/2011 18:07

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

whatever17 · 05/10/2011 18:18

If it was a cute little "ooh you little sausage" pinch - fine. Anything else and she needs a battering.

pigletmania · 05/10/2011 18:23

Oh whatever my gran used to do that and my elderly reles right up until I was a teenager Grin

GetAwayFromHerYouBitch · 05/10/2011 18:38

And this is why AIBU is unsuitable for anything remotely serious. Bonkers.

StinkyWeimaraner · 05/10/2011 20:09

At last the cavalry have arrived. I hope the Op reads these last couple of pages and manages to get some sleep tonight.

runningwilde · 05/10/2011 20:12

I am quite Hmm at how blasé some people are on here and would rather go for people who are concerned about this than the op who is very clearly going to do nothing to get this woman away from her kids. A person who deliberately pinches a baby's cheek so hard that it bruises has a problem - pigletmania - that pinch is nothing like what you had as a child and you know it so why are you making light of it?

To leave this woman in the house after what she did is neglectful to the children

pigletmania · 05/10/2011 20:34

running i am not making light of it, trying to distinguish the different types of pinching, because reading the title thats what initially i thought it was about until i read the op. Op is very vulnerable at the moment too, coming onto her like a tonne of bricks is not going to help her at all. I am sure that she knows what she has to do and its up to her and her dh to sort it out, without people on here accusing her of being neglectful, abusive, calling ss on her. She does sound very emotionally vulnerable and finds it difficult to be assertive like a lot of people that i have come across on her. The op and her dh need to present a united front and to tell the sister that she needs to find somewhere else to stay as its not appropriate now.

Pagwatch · 05/10/2011 20:47

Running
You would have a point if posters were in two groups
Group a being posters who say " that is awful. You should get her out of the house" and
Group b being posters who say " that doesn't matter"

But this thread was
Group a being posters saying " that is abuse you coward, social services should be set on you . This is so sad I can't eat or sleep and hope your children get taken away" and
group b saying " good lord. How can that mawkish nonsense possibly help"

A useful exercise might be to agree that the woman should not have access to the child anymore and then ask yourself which tactic is most likely to achieve that.

Spitting fury may feel great and indignant but I doubt it will help the choked. So you have to ask yourself to what end do posters out sad-face each other.

To suggest that mocking the over dramatic posturing means one is indifferent to the op is not accurate.

Pagwatch · 05/10/2011 20:48

Chocked = child

RIZZ0 · 05/10/2011 21:00

GPWM Pag

Where are you Snickers?

runningwilde · 05/10/2011 21:09

Fair enough pigletmania - sorry if I for the wrong end of the stick x

Pag - I'm not spitting fury but I do feel she - the op - is being neglectful. This does make me feel really upset as the aunt sounds like a weird nightmare of a person!

slartybartfast · 05/10/2011 21:10

the op has taken my advice

and logged off from mumsnet never to ask advice again Shock

Pagwatch · 05/10/2011 21:34

I didn't say you were running wilde.
I was explaining why the thread got piss takey.
Some of the comments on here were bizarre and hysterical.

GetOrfMo1Land · 05/10/2011 21:36

Pag - your typos are taking on legendary status Grin

pigletmania · 05/10/2011 21:40

Thats ok running Smile. I read the op late last night after a little nap on my sofa so was still sleep induced and thought from the title thats what it was about. OP should have confronted the sIL when she saw it but what is done is done and she has to be assertive and tell this woman to move out.

brdgrl · 05/10/2011 22:11

Regardless of whether it is "OMG ABUSE" or "meh, poor judgement"...
Really seems to me that there is more to this whole situation for OP. SIL should not be living there anyway - how can you have a family member sponging off you living with you for 12-18 months, if you can't even feel comfortable telling her off when she mistreats your kids/undermines your parenting methods? No wonder OP feels depressed.

Original poster
Snickers25 · 05/10/2011 22:14

RIZZO thank you for asking. I am too afraid of further backlash from some rather unpleasant people on mumsnet to post an update at the moment. I'm really shocked & upset there are people posting some outrageous things. There are others who clearly haven't read the original posts & have been jumping to conclusions, throwing accusations that I'm negligent etc....and of course making me feel even worse than I did when I posted this yesterday.
Someone called banana87 accused me of "tittle tattling to DP" but surely that's a logical step as the aunt is his sister & he needed to know.
Someone called Shoni said I should be reported for asking for advice. Someone called FabbyChic seems to think I'm "allowing abuse and am as bad as her" which is most definitely not the case. Someone called Freakendblue refers to this as grevious bodily harm.
I do not, for one second condone what she did, but to liken to GBH is extreme. Some idiot called Loopylou even thinks I "stood at the door watching for several seconds" which is NOT the case. We have a long hallway & I saw from the hall (the aunt had her back to the open door) and did not know I saw what she did. There was no hesitation in the time it took for me to rush into the room and take my daughter off her.

Someone even said my "children will grow up to know their mother doesnt protect them". My children know their mummy is always there for them. I have kept them safe from many "evils" of society so far. For example, they have never been around smokers (which is negligent). The have never had to endure seeing adults drunk. That is negligent. They have never watched violent TV programmes, or inappropriate "music" (more like porn) channels. I have never left them unattended around kids I don't know (such as a gym crèche) where they could be pushed around, bitten, etc. As such, they are 3 happy, trusting, sociable & friendly children. How on earth can some of the people on MN justify their accusations I'm "enabling an abuser"? It is wicked to say something like that to a mother who only wants the best for her children.
I utilised MN for the first time, for advice and support from other parents. And thank you very much to those of you who have provided sensible, honest & heartfelt advice. However, I can see how dangerous it is for emotional wellbeing, to dare asking for advice about anything other than "how can I get my child to eat his greens?" or "what do other yummy mummies wear on the school run?"
As mentioned, I would like to post an update on what is happening but I feel like this has turned into some kind of unfair "trial" by MN jury.

OP posts:
slartybartfast · 05/10/2011 22:49

thanks for braving the boards.
good luck with your family.

slartybartfast · 05/10/2011 22:49

sorry, thanks for updating and well done for braving the board again.

lenny101 · 05/10/2011 22:49

Good for you Snickers; you're stronger than most of them gave you credit for and I know you'll continue to keep your kids safe. I wish you and yours love and luck.

GetOrfMo1Land · 05/10/2011 22:52

There is (amongst the shite) some good adcive on here snickers.

It does seem that you are not willing to ask the aunt to leave, for whatever convoiluted family reasons you may have, but please have a look at some very sensible and rational words which may help you in your situation.

Good on you for coming back. This thread has been discussed on other threads on mn today and the hysteria has caused a fair amount of disgust. Not all the posters on mumsnet are like that.

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