To be utterly shocked at my friend leaving her family...

[threeinmybed]

I can't believe this is happening, I can't believe I'm posting about this... Been hanging about for a few hours trying to work up the courage and trying to word is post right.
Longtime poster, serial name changer so please bear with me.

My best friend of about 15 years has just upped and left her family. She has a husband and two children (one boy of 3 and a baby girl of 10 months). It happened totally out of the blue, and I did not see it coming at all. I actually work with her DH, who is as shocked as anyone.

We last saw one another on Sunday, for lunch. It was just she and I, and she seemed happy enough but a bit distracted. She said that she and her DH had been going through a rough patch and marriage was just such bloody hard work; she felt too young for all this etc. She asked me if I ever thought about just buggering off somewhere, leaving and never coming back. I laughed and said yes, in my worst moments I did and made a stupid joke out of it. I can't even remember what I said now, it seemed so trivial at the time. She said later on that she'd never seen herself being like this five years ago. I asked if there was anything I could help with, she just brushed it off and said 'nah, I'll get over myself!' like it was a joke and we just carried on chatting.

Yesterday, I was on a team building day at work and I got a text message that said not to worry, but that she was safe and she'd be in touch really soon. I was in the middle of no where so I couldnt call her back. I got home later in the afternoon to find her DH standing at my door, in an absolute state. He said they'd had an argument the night before and that she said she was leaving and not coming back, she wanted a divorce and she couldn't take the kids anymore, not one more second of them. She said she was happy to pay her way for them, but this wasn't the life she wanted and she was sorry.

I should say at this point that she did have PND going back about 8 months ago. But her DH interjected quickly, and she got the treatment she needed. She cited this as well apparently, saying the AD's had helped her see clearly for the first time in years.

When the initial craziness had calmed down, and her DH had gone back home I called my friend, who pretty much confirmed all her DH had said. She said that she was seeing clearly now, she'd not been happy for a while and that being a Mum just wasn't what she wanted. She's happy to pay maintenance for them, but she's not sure about visitation rights etc, maybe when she gets settled she can see the kids at my house? It seems she's been thinking this over for a while. I'm distraught. For her poor family, even myself a bit. I'm cross at myself too. Why didn't I talk to her more on Sunday? Push the issue a bit?

She is staying at her sisters who is a few counties away. Far enough, anyway. I don't know what else to say... I can't think of any other information right now. I couldn't think of anything else to say to her. Please help, I don't actually know what advice to give, or how to help right now. My friend and her DH are a massive part of our lives.

Good post timetoask

Yes, of course it is how can you think abandoing them is anyway shape or form a fine thing to do?!

Its better she gets help and is strong enough and determined enough to see it through to do what is rest and best for the human life she bought into the world. That is strength.

Walking out on them is cowardly at best. That's your flesh and bloods life your messing with and the consquenes can be dreadful and never ending

If you read my first post on this thread Roseflower, you will see that I had a mother who did just this.

Not saying it is a "fine" thing to do, but if it is a choice between no mother, and a mother who is there in body only, with no actual love for you, then it is better she isnt there at all, and allow some other woman to come along and do a better job.

Well I see we are coming from different view points- it seems you were glad you had a second chance at a mother who did love you?

So from your POV I can now understand why you would think like this and it makes what sense as to what your saying.

However, Im thinking of all the people I know who were not given a second chance mother and as adults have all sorts of emotional and MH problems. Its so unfair they are now suffering even as adults. The problems these people have are awfulk.

I suppose you have see what good can come I have only seen what bad can come.

Of course it's not a fine thing to do but we don't know what's in her head. She may be thinking it's better to leave them than break down and slap them but she's obviously not going to tell people that.

If she's been talking with her sister about this for a while then her sister probably knows the most about what's really going on.

She tried to talk to the OP remember, and got brushed off a bit, she may not feel she can be completely honest with her.

I agree with Squeaky -- I mean, look at the vitriol this complete stranger is getting on this thread, she has to know what a pariah she will become, I can't believe someone would do that unless they had a very twisted logic that it was for the best.

Well you are certainly not being unreasonable to be shocked by her behaviour. Parents abandoning their children - whatever the sex of the parent or the age of the child - is a very shocking event. We are more used to it being dads that's all but it's never ever right.
Your friend may be depressed - in which case she isn't thinking clearly, in terms she will want to live with lifelong OR she may not want to be a parent at all. Either way there is precious little you can do.

I really don't like the sound of the sister's e-mail. No reasonable person should ever be totally ok with thsi situation. Surely she should be able to see that her nephew and niece (nevermind her bil) will suffer liflong - as will her sister of course. Proceed with caution because the sister is obviously not keen on you and your friend will be listening to her a lot atm because she is saying exactly and ONLY what she wants to hear.

The husband needs to proceed carefully too. Help him get a plan in place fo rthe kids day to day and encourage him to talk to his wife when possible, to leave routes of communication open, NOT to speak only to the sister or refuse to speak to his wife. This is a hugely stressful situation and he could probably do with a bit of support through it. Why not suggest he sees his GP to ask about counselling. As life events go this is HUGE and he cannot go to pieces. If his wife had died nobody would expect him to deal with it without help.

I agree about the sister.

I'm currently suffering from PND (and suffering is the right word for myself, my family and especially my husband).

I weigh up everyday the options I have - kill myself or leave the kids with my husband and run away. Indeed I tell my psychiatrist every time I see him that I don't really want to die, but I can't live this life forever.

My children and my husband deserve better than the poor excuse of a mother and wife they are forced to live with right now.

Oh Norky. Don't know what to say. It can (and will) get better.

dreaming she tried to talk to me yes, but how was I supposed to realise what she was going to do?! Yes I brushed it aside, she is a loving wife and mother, she's never given me a reason to think otherwise. I might be her friend, but I'm not telepathic. This isn't supposed to happen!

Regardless if its the mother or father who leaves their children for other reasons than abuse is an effing selfish bastard. Equal opportunity selfish arseholes.

She might be going through a tough time but leaving is the easy way out. Working through it as hard and some people just want the easy way out.

I think at the moment what you need to do is be there for your friend when she wants you but help her children more. Maybe you should tell her to send some money to help pay for FT nursery care as she is not taking care of them herself.

Offer assistance to her DH but don't neglect your own family either. Hopefully, he will turn to his parents or his ILs for help too.

Oh and someone asked about church. I know my friend goes with the kids every week, but her DH doesn't. Perhaps they'd still want to help?

Norky - your kids have a mum who is trying to get better for them. They can ask for no more than that. You will get past this, you will.

Oh Norky, I'm really sorry to hear that you feel that way. I won't say 'you know you're not really a poor excuse' because .. well, because I doubt it would make you feel differently. But I can't believe that the person on here and the person at home are two entirely different people, and I really hope things start to change for you soon.

And I'm chastened (encouraged?) by those who think it's absolutely depression in the case of the OP's friend. Dreamingbohemian struck a chord with her point about a truly selfish person trying to justify herself or manufacture blame.

When mine were 10 months and 3 I felt pretty bloody desperate

threeinmybed - it's worth talking to the church. The church I attend would see the children and the dh (even if he has never attended) as part of our 'flock'. Christians are particularly instructed in the Bible to care for widows and orphans - that includes chaps like your friend!

There is something very weird going on with the sister IMO. Would she have any interest in sabotaging the relationship? What's the dynamic there? Also WRT contact - is she saying she can't/won't have them at her sisters? Does she feel she needs supervised? Does she not want to be alone with the DP?

OP, you - and most other people on here, including me - have been looking for 'reasons' and many of us have come up with PND. I do hope that is what it is (IYSWIM) because with the right treatment she will overcome it and get back to her family. That person deserves your unswerving support.

But if it isn't and she has quite simply decided to check out of her children's lives, you don't have to support her in that if you don't want to. You have a choice. You also have a limited supply of energy and resources so I think directing them towards supporting the children, at least for the moment, is a good idea.

Wow - I can't believe any mother would actually do this.

How awful for her hubby and children. What an awful situation your friend has put you in.

If I were to speak to her I'd say she can't use my house and that she's an adult and has to discuss this with her husband as such.

Very strange indeed.

norky I'm so sorry to hear that. Have you sought help? It's so much better on the other side, it really is.

I've never even met her sister; I didn't even thinknthey were that close, bearing in mind she didn't even pitch up to their wedding. It's pretty clear she doesn't think PND is the issue; the way she said it made me think she didn't really 'get' it. I just think that thinking about getting away is one thing. Doing it is quite another.

For the minute, I've just said to her that I'm going to think of it as a little break away, rather than she's leaving forever. She just wouldn't do that. I'm so sure she wouldn't.

And yes, her DS is 'trying'. They've admitted that themselves, and that its probably down to the fact that they weren't consistent enough with him. When his Nan had him whilst they went away on hols, funnily enough she had no problems. I popped my head in to say hello and he was a different child. Well, not quite but you get my point. Its not enough to up and leave.

I don't think leaving is taking the easy way out. I have felt like this and it got so bad that I was suicidal. I'm still not out of the woods and may never be. The only thing that has helped me is paying for huge amounts of help with the DC's, so I regularly/daily get a good chunk of time away from them and they are somebody elses responsibility for a while. Luckily we can afford it. I absolutely dread to think what would happen if we couldn't.

I am appalled at some of the nasty, judgmental posts on here. You should be ashamed of yourselves. Who are you to judge another person unless and until you've walked a mile in their shoes? You are talking out of ignorance and a lack of education. Your time would be better spent reading more and posting less.

Threeinabed - similar thing happened to me last year, when someone very close to me walked out on her husband and young children. I am still furious with her. Still may have had PND, but basically she is just selfish and always chases excitement. No sticking power in relationships whatsoever, and never has had.

In your position, I would do what I can to support the DH, and if your friend does call, I'm afraid that I would just say it to her straight! She can have all the support and help in the world, but walking away from your children is just wrong.

Maybe there's a way that things can be worked out. It sounds like she is going through an identity crisis. Could it be arranged for her to have childcare for the kids so that she can go back to a full-time job or studying? I think DH and your family should try and support her even if she's being unreasonable in this early stage in the hope that it is down to PND and she is simply living out a fantasy, the reality of which will not turn out to be what she wanted.

I had PND, it peaked when DD was 6 months.

It took me months of intensive help to get 'up' from that trough. During that time my sole thought was to get away from my life. I felt like I was living in a glass bottle, able to see out, but unable to participate. My only choices, as I saw it then, were to run away from everything, everyone. Or to kill myself.

If your friend has chosen to walk away, then she is, actually, choosing the harder of the 2 options. She needs help and support, not criticism.