To be utterly shocked at my friend leaving her family...

[threeinmybed]

I can't believe this is happening, I can't believe I'm posting about this... Been hanging about for a few hours trying to work up the courage and trying to word is post right.
Longtime poster, serial name changer so please bear with me.

My best friend of about 15 years has just upped and left her family. She has a husband and two children (one boy of 3 and a baby girl of 10 months). It happened totally out of the blue, and I did not see it coming at all. I actually work with her DH, who is as shocked as anyone.

We last saw one another on Sunday, for lunch. It was just she and I, and she seemed happy enough but a bit distracted. She said that she and her DH had been going through a rough patch and marriage was just such bloody hard work; she felt too young for all this etc. She asked me if I ever thought about just buggering off somewhere, leaving and never coming back. I laughed and said yes, in my worst moments I did and made a stupid joke out of it. I can't even remember what I said now, it seemed so trivial at the time. She said later on that she'd never seen herself being like this five years ago. I asked if there was anything I could help with, she just brushed it off and said 'nah, I'll get over myself!' like it was a joke and we just carried on chatting.

Yesterday, I was on a team building day at work and I got a text message that said not to worry, but that she was safe and she'd be in touch really soon. I was in the middle of no where so I couldnt call her back. I got home later in the afternoon to find her DH standing at my door, in an absolute state. He said they'd had an argument the night before and that she said she was leaving and not coming back, she wanted a divorce and she couldn't take the kids anymore, not one more second of them. She said she was happy to pay her way for them, but this wasn't the life she wanted and she was sorry.

I should say at this point that she did have PND going back about 8 months ago. But her DH interjected quickly, and she got the treatment she needed. She cited this as well apparently, saying the AD's had helped her see clearly for the first time in years.

When the initial craziness had calmed down, and her DH had gone back home I called my friend, who pretty much confirmed all her DH had said. She said that she was seeing clearly now, she'd not been happy for a while and that being a Mum just wasn't what she wanted. She's happy to pay maintenance for them, but she's not sure about visitation rights etc, maybe when she gets settled she can see the kids at my house? It seems she's been thinking this over for a while. I'm distraught. For her poor family, even myself a bit. I'm cross at myself too. Why didn't I talk to her more on Sunday? Push the issue a bit?

She is staying at her sisters who is a few counties away. Far enough, anyway. I don't know what else to say... I can't think of any other information right now. I couldn't think of anything else to say to her. Please help, I don't actually know what advice to give, or how to help right now. My friend and her DH are a massive part of our lives.

If her youngest is only 10 months she may well still be depressed. :(

How v sad for you all, you sound like a lovely friend.

From what OP said about teh two week holiday with the husband it sounds like the crux of the problem is coping with the kids rather than the marriage per se.

Is her partner hands on or is she left to get on with it? Are the marriage troubles perhaps about her partner not providing the right support and help?

Just speculating, but coping with children of those ages can be hard enough even with support, especially coping with depression too so if he isn't helpful and supportive that will effect her ability to cope with the childrena nd her feelings about the marriage in general.

Do you know how much outside / partner support she gets OP?

I know you must feel terribly shocked but I would try not to judge her until you know more about her reasons. If she really cannot cope with her children and give them the care they need then she has done the right thing to leave them where she know they'll be safe until she gets herself together.

I think it sounds like she has been more ill with PND then she has let on. In the grips of depression it is sometimes impossible to talk about your feelings because they are so painful and confusing and discussing makes them even more real.

All you can do is offer practical support for her husband and let her know that you are available to talk if she needs to. Hopefully in time this family can be reunited.

I mean, what the actual fuck? I'm sure her DH can be a dick. Mine can, in fact there have been times when yes, ive thought 'bollocks to you two, I'm getting a one way ticket to Antigua'. But who in the fuck does this?

I've tried to contact her sister on Facebook through my friends contact list. I've sent her a message saying that perhaps she could take her to a local GP, for a re evaluation. Just to make sure the PND hasn't reared its head again. I tried to word it nicely, but reading it in my head in my own voice I can practically hear the anger dripping from the words. In fact, she sent me a text a minute ago saying 'please don't be angry, this is the right thing for me. I love X and the kids but in a platonic way. I don't want this life anymore, it's not for me. Please support me with this' She wants me to ring her later too. I can't, I just can't.

I think she sounds like a selfish cow tbh, but i'm well aware I'll probably get flamed for saying that.

PND is not an excuse, or even a reason. Plenty of people have PND, they don't often just abandon two very small children. And as OP said, if she was really that depressed, she would have been depressed on her two week child free holiday too.

Sounds to me like she just changed her mind about having children, so decided to absolve herself of her responsibility. Good people don't do things like that. If it were a man there would be loads of posts on her calling him a bastard, because it's a woman, peopel are going on about the support she needs and PND! It's ridiculous.

Maybe say you need some space and time to think as its come as such a shock?

for some reason she doesnt want to go abck to the house for contact with DC.
if you ant to help then maybe yes you shoud offer to use your hosue to see DC.

in meantime just support the h - wahtever help he asks for. .

for a beautifully written fiction book on this theme read hugging the rock
www.goodreads.com/book/show/1528538.Hugging_the_Rock

her poor poor kids

I would focus your efforst on her poor DH and kids. god what a shocker

god its a shocker, but I cant help be surpised by the sympathy on here! If a man did this he would be castigated, when its a women "of she might have PND"

but nots helpful to OP

leave her be, focus on your family and support her poor kids as best you can

and I dont blame you for wanting to slap her she has behaved fucking disgustingly, rage is a valid emotion here!

and dont blame yourself, you could have done nothing

I'm not a lovely friend rhinestone I want to scream at her until I lose my voice, I want to throw things and cry and yell.

Her DH is very supportive. We've all known each other for years, and I think anything untoward would have shown up by now. He takes the kids to toddler groups, works the night shift when he can to take them through the day for her (so the guy is almost working round the clock some weeks), takes their DS to soft play at weekends, encourages her to go out, etc. If I could show him to you, you'd be like 'he rocks'. He does, he tries really hard.

I know their DS is an absolute tearaway, I struggle to get on with him and God knows it must be hard living with him.

'please don't be angry, this is the right thing for me. I love X and the kids but in a platonic way. I don't want this life anymore, it's not for me. Please support me with this'

FUCK OFF, so selfish

It is shocking when something like this happens. I have had two female friends leave their children with their fathers' (of course I know many more men who have done the same thing!)

I am no longer close to either of them TBH, although I supported both of them when they initially left and for quite a while after. I think that when I realised they weren't going to have regular visitation with the children (nor pay maintenance) I just kind of..backed off a bit. I found it very difficult to understand and realised that they were living under a different set of circumstances to me and that they had different sorts of priorities - and in the end I suppose that I just came to the conclusion that we didn't have very much in common.

As to your friend, this is all in the first few days - things may change, so just hang in there and try and help both parties (if you feel able to)

" I don't want this life anymore"

maybe call police as possible suicide risk?

they can track her down?

Having been in a place recently where I nearly did walk away from my family I can understand where your friend is coming from.
But the reason that I have not is because my husband and other members of my family have stepped up to the plate and firstly managed to convince me that I was not seeing straight. And secondly have been incredibly supportive. I have suffered long term from depression and have recently recieved a bi-polar diagnosis as well.
The easiest thing for me to do would have been to walk away and deny there was anything wrong and if it had not been for the incredible turn around my husband has done in regards to work life balance and actually being supportive and realising that I am ill then I would have walked.
No-one can really bring it home to someone how much sacrifice it can take to be a parent and I think when you have other issues going on, like depression, then facing that becomes a very diffulcult task indeed.
My children are lucky as I know from first hand experience what happens when you feel rejected as a child, something which has also helped in my motivation to stay.
Your friend is in a tough place right now and she needs support, not blame.

It really does sound like she might have PND and her treatment needs changing. I would suggest getting her sister to try and get her to a doctor is a priority. Plus I think if you can give her DH a help with the practical stuff.

Hopefully she just needs some space to think and will come back to her children (even if not her husband) soon. Could she want to show her DH just how hard it is to look after the kids if she normally does most of this?

I just.... I don't know, I had obviously heard of this happening. As I said before, my aunt did it when her kids were young. I think the circumstances were different, but even now I still think 'ok, so your husband was a bastard but couldn't you have taken your kids with you?' I would.

I'm pissed off now actually at the way she so coolly suggested I give over my house for the day to her for access days with her children. I feel like saying 'you had this fucking planned out, didn't you?'

Why didn't she come to my house? We saw each other all the bastard fucking time for fucks sake, she could've stayed in the attic room, it's got it's own bathroom thingo and it's plenty big enough. Everyone needs a break.

I had PND (didn't know it at the time) and I left the house for a while. I went up to my uncles house, and took my 4 week old DS with me. There was absolutely no question of me leaving him behind. It was just not a fucking option.

Thanks for advice about tax credits, I know they get paid into the woman's account, don't they? I'd forgotten about that. It might help with the nursery bills I suppose.

Tell her her the scar she will leave on her children will never heal.

I know that first hand.

I texted her back and tried to be as rational as possible, saying I'm sure she'll be back soon, so there's no need to be saying all these things that she'll regret later. Perhaps it'd be better to see this as a little holiday away from things, rather than a forever thing.

"But who in the fuck does this?"
"maybe call police as possible suicide risk?"

Fathers do as the OP's friend has done, up and down the country, every day of the week.

I'm not saying it makes it right, I'm not saying it's not selfish, but has anyone stopped to think that perhaps this friend just honestly isn't happy and can't cope?

I sincerely hope for her, her children's and her husband's sake that she is just going through a bit of a crisis, which she can get help with.

But there are, sadly, a small number of women for whom becoming a mother and being the carer of young children - it just becomes too much. Much like a huge number of posters' husbands in the Relationship forum.

Just because someone has left their children within a safe, secure environment (with their dad) doesn't mean to say they're a total nutjob, you know...

The baby is still so young, it probably is PND. She needs all the support she can get from you, her husband and family. I hope it is PND and she gets the treatment she needs, because if not her reasons for leaving sound incredibly selfish (can't have a night out because of getting up early to crying children, FFS, yeah leave the children then).

But if she is finding interaction with her children a struggle then maybe she thinks the best thing for them is to be with their father. Maybe she is looking at the way he interacts with them versus the way she does and thinking he is the better parent.
Which would not be the correct view but when your mind is in a fog of depression it can be very hard to see things straight.
I'm not going to join in the lambasting as I hate the fact we still live in a day and age where men can leave their children with minimal consequences and judgment but women are expected to be there no matter what. Some women are just not cut out for motherhood and if that is the case, it is a hard choice between walking away and leaving your children rejected or staying with them whilst they pick up on the resentment that will underlie all your interactions with them.
Again, I say, your friend is in a bad place and needs support, not blame.

well said roseflower
well said

all this oh be there for her, she has PND. PND is not an excuse for shitting all over your family from a great height