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Original poster

To be utterly shocked at my friend leaving her family...

268 replies

threeinmybed · 04/10/2011 15:43

I can't believe this is happening, I can't believe I'm posting about this... Been hanging about for a few hours trying to work up the courage and trying to word is post right.
Longtime poster, serial name changer so please bear with me.

My best friend of about 15 years has just upped and left her family. She has a husband and two children (one boy of 3 and a baby girl of 10 months). It happened totally out of the blue, and I did not see it coming at all. I actually work with her DH, who is as shocked as anyone.

We last saw one another on Sunday, for lunch. It was just she and I, and she seemed happy enough but a bit distracted. She said that she and her DH had been going through a rough patch and marriage was just such bloody hard work; she felt too young for all this etc. She asked me if I ever thought about just buggering off somewhere, leaving and never coming back. I laughed and said yes, in my worst moments I did and made a stupid joke out of it. I can't even remember what I said now, it seemed so trivial at the time. She said later on that she'd never seen herself being like this five years ago. I asked if there was anything I could help with, she just brushed it off and said 'nah, I'll get over myself!' like it was a joke and we just carried on chatting.

Yesterday, I was on a team building day at work and I got a text message that said not to worry, but that she was safe and she'd be in touch really soon. I was in the middle of no where so I couldnt call her back. I got home later in the afternoon to find her DH standing at my door, in an absolute state. He said they'd had an argument the night before and that she said she was leaving and not coming back, she wanted a divorce and she couldn't take the kids anymore, not one more second of them. She said she was happy to pay her way for them, but this wasn't the life she wanted and she was sorry.

I should say at this point that she did have PND going back about 8 months ago. But her DH interjected quickly, and she got the treatment she needed. She cited this as well apparently, saying the AD's had helped her see clearly for the first time in years.

When the initial craziness had calmed down, and her DH had gone back home I called my friend, who pretty much confirmed all her DH had said. She said that she was seeing clearly now, she'd not been happy for a while and that being a Mum just wasn't what she wanted. She's happy to pay maintenance for them, but she's not sure about visitation rights etc, maybe when she gets settled she can see the kids at my house? It seems she's been thinking this over for a while. I'm distraught. For her poor family, even myself a bit. I'm cross at myself too. Why didn't I talk to her more on Sunday? Push the issue a bit?

She is staying at her sisters who is a few counties away. Far enough, anyway. I don't know what else to say... I can't think of any other information right now. I couldn't think of anything else to say to her. Please help, I don't actually know what advice to give, or how to help right now. My friend and her DH are a massive part of our lives.

OP posts:
Roseflower · 04/10/2011 17:00

If everyone is honest, its so awful, let's face it; everyone just hopes there is a good explanation like PND.

Sometimes there isn't, some parents really are just that selfish.

I don't know in this case, however.

Ormirian · 04/10/2011 17:04

"Perhaps if we didn't idealise the mothers role so much a lot of women would find it wasier to be one"

Totally agree. We set the bar so high - and cover it with glitter and bollocking fairy dust Hmm No wonder women find it hard to pass muster. Mothers shouldn't feel obliged to be perfect - just good enough.

Ormirian · 04/10/2011 17:06

BTW if I was forced to speak to her I would have to tell her exactly what I thought of her.

roadkillbunny · 04/10/2011 17:06

It seems the sister could be a bit of a driving force in this, not sure what to advise, it seems that she has gone to her sister with her troubles and her sister has given her a get out clause of sorts.
Does your friend have a relationship with her parents? Maybe it would be worth finding out if they know, if they have spoken to her and if they fully support her decision or if they are worried about her. I wouldn't go in full on with her parents just ask if they know what's happening and take it from there.
I would tell your friend that you really can't talk tonight, make an excuse and wait a few days so you know better what you are feeling and what you are capable of in this and then, if you feel able, talk to her, let her talk without interruption, show you are listening and take her seriously and only then start to talk about the future, if you don't want visitation in your home then say no, don't be manipulated by guilt to say yes.
I think this is something you are going to have to play be ear, her sisters response would put my back up and worry me but at the end of the day you have done all you can.

notlettingthefearshow · 04/10/2011 17:07

Just be there for both of them. It is very sad. Your friend must have been miserable for a long time. I doubt there's anything you can say to change her mind, but your friend may well get some perspective once she's been away a little bit.

Funny how it seems so much more shocking when it's the mother, although I think the hardest thing is it being out of the blue. Very, very harsh on all those left behind.

Ormirian · 04/10/2011 17:07

Does her sister have children?

Wondering if a child-free life was even more attractive when her sister was living one right in front of her.

timetoask · 04/10/2011 17:08

OP, this is so sad for all involved. The toddler years are so hard. You say her son has difficult behaviour, I can relate to that. My eldest has special needs and his challenging behaviour is the most difficult part of parenting him.

The early years are also really hard on a marriage that is not strong enough.

I saw a program on TV (cannot remember the name now) about mothers that did not bond with their children and the terrible effect this can have. I find my DS extremely difficult, but I would never leave him because we have a strong bond. Could it be that due to her PND your friend never bonded with her children?

This program I watched showed mothers after therapy, completely changed. It really worked for them. Maybe you could talk to a health visitor about finding therapy of this sort for your friend. I think this would be the best support you could possibly give her.

I feel so sorry for those babies and for the father. Don't give up on your friend, try and find some help for her.

BluddyMoFo · 04/10/2011 17:08

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AbbyAbsinthe · 04/10/2011 17:09

Wow. Horrible, horrible.

Fucking hell, I'm not the most maternal person on the planet, I can assure you - we've ALL felt like doing a bunk sometimes. But this has been planned well in advance by the sound of it.

PND or not - it's selfish in the extreme. I'm also very aware that men walk out on their children all the time - they're selfish bastards as well - but a woman doing it is different. It just is.

Jamillalliamilli · 04/10/2011 17:09

Maybe a silly question, but why does she need to use your house for contact?
Sometyhing there sits odd.

AbbyAbsinthe · 04/10/2011 17:10

Mofo Sad

Just goes to show that there are extenuating circumstances. But I still find it really hard to understand.

LindsayWagner · 04/10/2011 17:13

But.. none of us like the responsibility of being a parent. Responsibility is hard and not very nice. But you accept that because you know that you love them/will love them.

She doesn't love her kids - either of them? She's going to subject them to what in effect is a bereavement in order to live a single life?

If this isn't depression then . I don't care what men up and down the country do, really - she's their mother and they love her and she knows it and she doesn't care.

SexualHarrassmentPandaPop · 04/10/2011 17:14

How awful! I would be furious with your friend too! She may not want to be a mother anymore but there are 2 kids who will want her. To not even put herself out to visit them is absolutely disgusting.
If it is the PND then she needs to go back to her GP. Although I agree it's not an excuse. I spent months feeling like I wanted to die after both of my kids. But it was the devastation I would have left behind that kept me going.

bibbitybobbityhat · 04/10/2011 17:14

You are under no obligation whatsoever to support her in this if you don't want to, op. Nor to help her practically, either - she obviously has a sister. If having contact with her angers you too much then don't respond to her. This "please don't judge me" is SO manipulative. She is pre-empting your feelings of dislike for what she has done and turning them back on you. My mother does it a lot "please don't be cross with me" when I have every right to be bloody annoyed.

She chose to have children, now she chooses not to.

You can choose not to be involved.

LindsayWagner · 04/10/2011 17:15

Oh Mofo. I really hope - well I don't but ykwim - that this is a similar situation.

SexualHarrassmentPandaPop · 04/10/2011 17:15

It's worse than a bereavement imo (if she does follow through with never seeing them again). At least a bereaved child is likely to know that their mum loved and wanted them.

verytellytubby · 04/10/2011 17:19

I find it strange she's so focused on using your house for contact. The sister's email is very cold - does she have children?

You sound like such a fab friend. I'm so sad for her DH & children.

aldiwhore · 04/10/2011 17:24

YANBU OP, what a shit situation for everyone.

I won't pass judgement on your friend, but totally understand why you'd be shocked.

Regardless of who left who, its come 'out of the blue' for most peole. You sound like a decent friend to both, all you can do is be as supportive as you feel you can be.

I hope this is only temporary for everyone's sake.

squeakytoy · 04/10/2011 17:27

Read some of the threads in relationships, some mothers are toxic, and dont love their children. But they have continued to raise them, and there are a lot of people who have had very unhappy lives BECAUSE the woman who gave birth to them was a constant presence in their lives and made it miserable.

Its seems to me that while giving birth does create an unconditional love and bond for many women, for a few, it doesnt. Not PND, but just a regret that they had children, and I think it possibly takes a very strong and determined person to just walk away from it all and admit she cant do it and doesnt want it. It doesnt make it right at all, but forcing this woman by emotional begging to make her go back will not fix it, or make her love and want her kids.

I think as a friend you need to support the husband, who will need the support right now, and just let your friend get on with what she wants to do. It seems she has made her choice.

dreamingbohemian · 04/10/2011 17:30

I don't feel right judging your friend, as I don't know what it's like to have such a 'trying child' (your words) and I can only imagine how hard it would be to deal with that on top of obvious mental health issues.

A lot of what you are relating from her sounds like depression or a breakdown of some kind. This sort of breezy, oh everything's fine I'm just leaving my family -- it's odd. I think a truly selfish person would be trying to justify things, make excuses, perhaps invent some reasons for leaving.

I think given she has recent treatment for PND it would be better to assume this is a mental health problem and not that your friend is a horrible person.

Even the holiday thing makes sense, people with mental health issues will often have a kind of misguided epiphany and latch onto a 'solution' for their problems that is not really a solution (in this case, if I leave my family everything will be fine).

My best friend, her mum left her when she was young, for similar stated reasons. And my friend is fine. I mean, yes she has some issues, but no more than other friends of mine who grew up with parents who perhaps should have left but didn't.

I think in your situation I would be desperately sad and worried for my friend but not angry at her. I'd be more worried she was going to harm herself tbh.

LadyMontdore · 04/10/2011 17:31

YANBU. She sounds shelfish and her sister does too. I wouldn't have anything more to do with her - sounds like she is using you or certainly will in the future. Absolutely do not allow her to have visits at your house. Obviously you want to help with the children but I'd be wary of getting too emotionally and practically engaged in this messy situation at cost to your own DCs. IE; take round some food etc to the DH and help but do keep your boundaries clear.

You sound much nicer than me!

Roseflower · 04/10/2011 17:32

Strong and determined- for walking out on your children? Just leaving them, tossing them aside and leaving them in pain,probably for the rest of their lifes?

paddypoopants · 04/10/2011 17:33

This is a truly awful thing for her family and you sound like a lovely friend but under no circumstances should you allow your house to be used for access visits. You will just end up in the centre of a messy drama and her dh won't thank you for facilitating her behaviour. Her sister has basically told you to butt out so if I were you I would despite your better instincts to support your friend.

squeakytoy · 04/10/2011 17:34

As I said earlier roseflower, is it a better alternative that a mother who feels no love for her children and doesnt want them in her life, stays?

AuntiePickleBottom · 04/10/2011 17:35

MoJO, i guess nobody know what happens behind closed doors...that was a very sad story :(

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