To be utterly shocked at my friend leaving her family...

[threeinmybed]

I can't believe this is happening, I can't believe I'm posting about this... Been hanging about for a few hours trying to work up the courage and trying to word is post right.
Longtime poster, serial name changer so please bear with me.

My best friend of about 15 years has just upped and left her family. She has a husband and two children (one boy of 3 and a baby girl of 10 months). It happened totally out of the blue, and I did not see it coming at all. I actually work with her DH, who is as shocked as anyone.

We last saw one another on Sunday, for lunch. It was just she and I, and she seemed happy enough but a bit distracted. She said that she and her DH had been going through a rough patch and marriage was just such bloody hard work; she felt too young for all this etc. She asked me if I ever thought about just buggering off somewhere, leaving and never coming back. I laughed and said yes, in my worst moments I did and made a stupid joke out of it. I can't even remember what I said now, it seemed so trivial at the time. She said later on that she'd never seen herself being like this five years ago. I asked if there was anything I could help with, she just brushed it off and said 'nah, I'll get over myself!' like it was a joke and we just carried on chatting.

Yesterday, I was on a team building day at work and I got a text message that said not to worry, but that she was safe and she'd be in touch really soon. I was in the middle of no where so I couldnt call her back. I got home later in the afternoon to find her DH standing at my door, in an absolute state. He said they'd had an argument the night before and that she said she was leaving and not coming back, she wanted a divorce and she couldn't take the kids anymore, not one more second of them. She said she was happy to pay her way for them, but this wasn't the life she wanted and she was sorry.

I should say at this point that she did have PND going back about 8 months ago. But her DH interjected quickly, and she got the treatment she needed. She cited this as well apparently, saying the AD's had helped her see clearly for the first time in years.

When the initial craziness had calmed down, and her DH had gone back home I called my friend, who pretty much confirmed all her DH had said. She said that she was seeing clearly now, she'd not been happy for a while and that being a Mum just wasn't what she wanted. She's happy to pay maintenance for them, but she's not sure about visitation rights etc, maybe when she gets settled she can see the kids at my house? It seems she's been thinking this over for a while. I'm distraught. For her poor family, even myself a bit. I'm cross at myself too. Why didn't I talk to her more on Sunday? Push the issue a bit?

She is staying at her sisters who is a few counties away. Far enough, anyway. I don't know what else to say... I can't think of any other information right now. I couldn't think of anything else to say to her. Please help, I don't actually know what advice to give, or how to help right now. My friend and her DH are a massive part of our lives.

undiagnosed mental illness, of course.

OP stop comparing yourself to your friend and declaring that because you were able to keep yourself from walking out on your family, so should she have been. The truth is, you have NO idea what was going on in her mind, how she feels, what she wants or what she is or isn't capable of enduring. The very fact that you thought everything was ok with her and now are so shocked that she's left shows that you really weren't that in touch with her at all.

I feel for you grieving the relationship you thought you had with her (best mates and all that) and feeling sad and upset for her DH and kids and you are entitled to feel let down and disappointed in your friend.

What you're not entitled to do is judge her based on your standard. So what if you wouldn't have left your family like she did -- YOU'RE NOT HER.

I agree with her sister actually. If you can't be objectively supportive of her, trying to work out her issues and legitimately help her (and her family) through this, then you're no friend she needs. If you feel you can't help but judge her harshly and pick sides with her DH, then butt out now while you still can.

YANBU to be shocked, YABU to expect your friend to feel the way that you do about it.

Ouch, but true I guess Notmy problem.

It's harsh but yes, notmyproblem has sort of just said what I was thinking but biting my tongue not to say outright.

Reindeer, thanks for posting that. I think a lot of people are saying PND because she was actually diagnosed with it not that long ago, but you're right -- maybe it was just too hard.

'I could just carry on driving and not go back' or I'd be walking down the street and think 'I could just get on that bus and disappear forever'. It took so much for me to not do that. I used to cry sometimes because I was so desperate to do it

For whatever reason OP, your friend felt she had to do what you couldn't/didn't. She couldn't pull herself back, she thought her only option was to leave & you have no idea why that was, to be honest.

I want to start off by saying that I sympathise with you & I know that it has come as a shock to you that she has done this, but I really do think you are over-invested in this. To me it sounds like this is all about you & what you expected of your friend, what you thought she was, who you thought she was. How you feel you have let her down by not noticing. How you feel let down because she didn't confined in you. How you feel angry that she didn't come to you to stay instead of her sister. Asking how you should advise the H to proceed (recommending he give her a time limit). Sorry to say that it is not up to you to decide this, or to recommend anything of the kind to him.

Your friend has left her children, maybe for good, but maybe for a short time, and I am sorry to say but you are making out sound like she killed them! In my mind, essentially, your friendship hasn't changed. She is still your friend (if you can accept what she has done). But you seem hellbent on judging her for making a choice that you seem to think impacts you a hell of a lot more than it does, actually!

25 years on, my cousin cannot forgive her mother, adn probably never will

I haven't spoken to my mother for 20yrs. And I still can't forgive her for what she did to me, how she made my life hell by the constant rejections, telling me finally at 16 that she hated me, I ruined her life, she never wanted me & tried to induce a miscarriage etc. She left me, at 9 to wake from a general, all alone. She left the hospital when I came out of the op, so I was told. I asked them to call her & ask her to come in, but she couldn't. So I lay there, throwing up blood, crying for her, because she had work the next day. I didn't see her after that for 2 days. Yet when my sister cut her leg at school on a glass door, she left work, went to my sisters school, took her to hospital & stayed with her all night. My sister was 16. The difference was that she wanted, loved & cared for my sister. I bloody adored my mum, did everything I could to make her happy & that is how she repays me. I would have been better off without her.

Thank you, Norky & pink!

Agree 100% notmyproblem

And you now what OP....it still hurts. A LOT! It hurts that she couldn't let me go with dad, that she had to blight my life with her crap, almost intentionally, to prove to a point to those around her, kinda like 'see, I told you I wouldn't love the baby, & I don't'.

It hurts that she let me walk out of the UK 5yrs ago & not say a word (I bumped into her at a shop a day before we left). It hurts because I wanted to know if she really did care all those years. Maybe, I thought (often) she did actually love me, but was too stubborn to be the first one to talk, to break the ice. I smiled at her that day, she ignored it & she called my sister minutes later to brag about how she ignored me (yes, she knew I was leaving the country). But she didn't care & that day just proved that.

I think that your friend leaving her dcs shows that she does love them, that she wants better for them. I certainly think it is better to leave, than stay & live your whole life resenting what could have been. I don't think she is selfish. Not at all.

"The very fact that you thought everything was ok with her and now are so shocked that she's left shows that you really weren't that in touch with her at all."

I don't agree with this. Sometimes people do things, people we think we know very very well, and it totally blind-sides us. It doesn't mean we didn't know them, it means they kept something secret. And you can't know when someone specifically keeps something from you - how can you even guess?

We/ they/ OP can't know what has gone on here. The only one who does know is her. Possibly her sister seems to know more than the rest but even that isn't a given. imo it is deeply shocking when someone close to you does something like this, someone you thought you knew very well. it goes right against the grain for us all to hear of a woman leaving her children; most of us, and society in general, find it difficult to get our heads around it. OP will be supporting her H, of course she will. This woman's entire circle is in deep shock and confusion about what she has done and they're all, very probably, clinging to one another trying to make sense of it. Family break-ups, of whatever kind, affects everyone around them (as much as people like to think they don't) - break-ups hurt people who are close. No more so than in this instance, where OP's very close friend has done something which is generally incomprehensible.

What I do agree on is that when someone does something we have been deeply tempted to do, but didn't, we can feel very angry. eg I remember feeling disproportionately angry when a woman I hardly knew left her husband and ran off with a neighbour, dragging her kids behind her. A lot of the reason I was angry (though not all of it) was because I had been sorely tempted to do the same, have affairs, and didn't. I felt that if I could resist then she should have. I judged her but I was also jealous/envious/whatever. I wished I could be less responsible and do the same.

Have a heart though notmyproblem, this is a very shocking thing to happen, particularly out of the blue, and OP will be feeling a huge mix of emotions, particularly in the early days.

differentname, I am so sorry your mother dealt you such a devastating and deeply wounding hand. Some people are truly poisonous and it stands to reason that your mother is one of those.

notmyproblem i thought your comment is rude and un useful! Obviously the OP does care alot about her friend otherwise she wouldn't be so upset about it!!

OP I really cant imagine what it would be like to be in your shoes! It seems you are trying to get your head around so much at once. Must almost seem like a dream!
My opinion (that you may not like because she has been your df for so long) is that her kids and DH are better off without her! I think its utterly disgusting for her to just walk out on her Dh and DC without so much as an explanation.. The 'this isnt what i saw for myself' is a load of shit, she is the one who had a baby and then begged Dh for another so for her to say this isnt the life she wanted? Its the life she chose and those poor Dc getting abandoned by her was selfish! they did not ask to be abandoned, and Dh did not ask to be a solo dad, is that the life that they chose? NO.

The truth is (as some others have stated) if the father was the one that walked out, everyone would be bad mouthing him, calling him every name under the sun, but because its the mum then obviously she has PND or depression of some sort?? UMm no she is just a bad parent! parents are ment to put their children first, always be there for them etc etc you friend has done none of these things!

I Hope she either comes to her sences or when those kids are old enough to understand they will want nothing to do with her, and i hope it hurts her as much as it will be hurting those Dcs not knowing why mummy left.

I think it was very big of DH to tell the kids that mummy was on a break, he must be a very caring father to say that after what she has done to him/them.

OP you have every right to be mad, I think what you need to do is try help friends DH find some sort of routine, his life has been pulled apart and hes having to be strong for the kids. Can you maybe have the Dcs over for a night to give him a bit of thinking space?

You sound like such a lovely person! i wish you all the very best!!

Well, it is surprising when a mother leaves, but I don't feel any more sorry for his or the children as when a father leaves. I see no reason to be running over with food and stuff, he is capable. This isn't the 1950's! If he doesn't already know how to clean, cook, care for kids, shop, and do laundry, it's high time he learned. Best solution for him is live in nanny, (same as for any single parent).
Best while the kids are so young, they won't remember her.

Don't get involved. It is their family problem to sort out, not yours. Their families can advise them, if they want advise. As a friend of both, I would not want to get caught in the middle.

*him, not his.

I do wonder if there are some 'boundary issues' here.
I was struck in one of the OP's earlier posts when she said something like, 'If we had known they were having marriage problems, we would have arranged marriage counseling for them.'
Of course you are close and good friends, but I think iscream is right in saying not to get too much in the middle. It's great you are being so supportive to the family but you need to know when to step out of it too.

Haven't read the whole thread but would I be the first to say - OP, if you're really angry, don't get involved?

I also agree that keeping a healthy distance and not taking sides (too much) may be massively helpful to them here.

Having said that, the idea that it's just fine and dandy for men to walk out on their families and have minimal or no contact (or be undecided) is bizarre to me. I would be extremely disgusted if one of my male friends upped and left his family with little contact and said 'I don't want to do family life any more'. I might listen, but I wouldn't condone, just as when my male friend had an affair I didn't condone that. I am still his friend. I don't think you have to be nasty if you disapprove of what someone has done, but I don't mind being a judgy pants, I think it's fine to think your friend has done something morally wrong in leaving her small children (as I would for a man). And, if anyone thinks children are undamaged by fathers leaving, then having little or no contact, did anyone watch Educating Essex last night with that boy going off the rails after his dad left. It's not nice to be abandoned or simply not prioritised by a parent, full stop.

The poor man, Hope he has support for himself and his children

Sure; but as I've said before, surely it's better to have a stamp and shout on here and write it down as the thoughts pop into my head rather than rush off and say something I regret.

I think some of you are reading a bit much into stuff I put down when I was seriously shocked, people who have posted and said theyve been in my situation have actually said they reacted similarly to me when it happened to them at first.

Have you spoken to your friend yet, Threein? Have there been any developments or is it all just the same?

Hope you are starting to get over your shock and work out what you can do to support the various family members, including your friend.