To be utterly shocked at my friend leaving her family...

[threeinmybed]

I can't believe this is happening, I can't believe I'm posting about this... Been hanging about for a few hours trying to work up the courage and trying to word is post right.
Longtime poster, serial name changer so please bear with me.

My best friend of about 15 years has just upped and left her family. She has a husband and two children (one boy of 3 and a baby girl of 10 months). It happened totally out of the blue, and I did not see it coming at all. I actually work with her DH, who is as shocked as anyone.

We last saw one another on Sunday, for lunch. It was just she and I, and she seemed happy enough but a bit distracted. She said that she and her DH had been going through a rough patch and marriage was just such bloody hard work; she felt too young for all this etc. She asked me if I ever thought about just buggering off somewhere, leaving and never coming back. I laughed and said yes, in my worst moments I did and made a stupid joke out of it. I can't even remember what I said now, it seemed so trivial at the time. She said later on that she'd never seen herself being like this five years ago. I asked if there was anything I could help with, she just brushed it off and said 'nah, I'll get over myself!' like it was a joke and we just carried on chatting.

Yesterday, I was on a team building day at work and I got a text message that said not to worry, but that she was safe and she'd be in touch really soon. I was in the middle of no where so I couldnt call her back. I got home later in the afternoon to find her DH standing at my door, in an absolute state. He said they'd had an argument the night before and that she said she was leaving and not coming back, she wanted a divorce and she couldn't take the kids anymore, not one more second of them. She said she was happy to pay her way for them, but this wasn't the life she wanted and she was sorry.

I should say at this point that she did have PND going back about 8 months ago. But her DH interjected quickly, and she got the treatment she needed. She cited this as well apparently, saying the AD's had helped her see clearly for the first time in years.

When the initial craziness had calmed down, and her DH had gone back home I called my friend, who pretty much confirmed all her DH had said. She said that she was seeing clearly now, she'd not been happy for a while and that being a Mum just wasn't what she wanted. She's happy to pay maintenance for them, but she's not sure about visitation rights etc, maybe when she gets settled she can see the kids at my house? It seems she's been thinking this over for a while. I'm distraught. For her poor family, even myself a bit. I'm cross at myself too. Why didn't I talk to her more on Sunday? Push the issue a bit?

She is staying at her sisters who is a few counties away. Far enough, anyway. I don't know what else to say... I can't think of any other information right now. I couldn't think of anything else to say to her. Please help, I don't actually know what advice to give, or how to help right now. My friend and her DH are a massive part of our lives.

Yeah I suppose I never thought too much on her using my house for contact other than to think 'cheeky sod' but it is weird. My DH was thinking it was so she didn't have to go back and face the music, so to speak. She could meet her kids on neutral ground. But that makes it seem so pre meditated.

We've spoken to my friend's DH. His mum is coming down at the weekend. She doesn't work, so hopefully she'll be alright to stay a while. In the meantime, DH is popping over in a bit for a couple of beers, I think. I feel like he thinks I knew something. I really didn't.

Fuck me, you don't think I haven't suffered? You don't think I wanted to just bugger off and leave it all? I was SO tempted some days, SO tempted. But I didn't. I don't know how. Depression turns things into a hazy mess. I had no help. I still don't. We have to pay for whatever childcare we get, but that's the hand we were dealt. I don't have the option to go for a holiday, or a break.

I love her, but why is she doing this? And to the people who think I'm being critical, I'm not saying it to her face ok? I'm writing it all out on here so I don't do that, so I can put a supportive face on. You genuinely wouldn't be shocked and slightly freaked out if this happened to one of your best friends, no? Even a bit appalled?

I'm scared she's gone this far, tbh. I don't think her sister is the right person to be with her right now.

threeinabed is she a selfish person generally? I mean, is she someone who thinks she is "entitled" to have fun and will do what she wants, no matter what the impact on other people? Or is she someone who is usually very aware of the impact on others, and worries about it.

It is weird that she doesn't want to see the children at her own house.

I;m totally gobsmacked!

I too suffered from PND, since having my 7 year old, but it wasn't diagnosed until my 4 year old was born.

I thought i was a terrible mother, and that my poor husband was having an affair. I sooo wanted to end it all, but........my kids helped me more than they will ever realise. The thought of leaving them stopped me, and i eventually asked for help 9 months after having my youngest. I have read other people have suffered with PND, so won't bore people with details, but, i;m in a great place know expecting our 4th baby. I am worried i will suffer with it again, but myself and my husband are more aware of the signs. sorry going off a bit there.

I too would be extremely unhappy, especially as you have said, you've suffered with depression, so can relate to wanting to be on your own etc. i think you've been extremly calm with her, because if any friend of mine left their kids they'd feel the end of my tongue.

i;d just be a good friend to her husband, and just offer support.

Norky, are you on any type of medication? I;m not an expert, but it took a few different tablets, for my GP to find one that suited me. Counsiling is a good place to start, but maybe you need both.

You are not a terrible mother, your still there for your children, hold on in there, your definately not on your own xxxxxxx

Jasmine - I think actually everybody on this thread is very sympathetic to parents who are struggling. We have all or nearly all walked in those shoes and it's unfair of you to assume otherwise.
What is never going to be tolerated as a parent, mother OR father, abandoning their children. That's wrong. It's wrong though understandable if you are suffering from mental ill health. If you are perfectly well then it's just wrong. Nobody is required to accept that behaviour because our responsibility as parents is to keep our children safe and whole, physically and emotionally for the rest of our and their lives. That's how it is. You can get as much help with that as you want and need - goodness knows I do . What you should not ever do is what this woman has done and what many fathers sadly do which is walk away saying ' I WON'T be a parent to these children' That is not an option.

I don't see how you can't be critical of her actions. She has left her children in an apparently calm, controlled and well thought out manner.

My best friend's husband walked out on her while she was 6 months pregnant and they also had a 2 year old. He planned it so he wouldn't be seen going and left her to find out by coming home and seeing all his things gone. He is a selfish wanker. I will never forgive him for what he's done to those children and my friend.

Your friend has done the same. She is just as selfish.

Yes, PND is a horrific illness and yes, it can cause you to do irrational things. But as most people on here who've had it have said, they wanted to run away when it all got too much - they were spur of the moment thoughts. To have actually spoken to someone, talked it through, planned it, sorted out future arrangements and then carried it out strikes me as the actions of a selfish person, not an ill person.

A woman who does something that is selfish/bad/nasty can actually make the decision to do that with a rational mind. They don't always need to have an illness as an excuse. It's horrible to think that they would act like this and it's nice to have something to give their actions reason but it's not always the case.

Thanks everyone for the encouragement and kind words.

Yes I am a day patient at my local Priory which basically means I have all day therapy but don't (at the moment) have to stay there. I see my psychiatrist every 2 or 3 days and he tweaks my meds as necessary (I currently take 3 different ones).

I often say that if I could crawl into a black hole and stay there till the kids are grown up then that would be a fine arrangement. Not exactly a possibility though! My children are 15 months and 4 and I know I haven't got a hard life - I'm just not cut out for this life I find myself leading.

minipie normally I wouldve said no. I mean, at the end of a night out sometimes we'd be walking home and be like 'oooh it'd be lush to have a proper lie in tomorrow wouldn't it?' and the other one would go 'yeah I know', or we'd moan on the phone about how the kids were driving us nuts, but not in a way that I'd have ever in a million years thought that this would happen. For me, its out of the blue. Which is why I suppose I feel a bit gutted that her sister knew about it all along

Norky - with my first dc in particular I remember thinking that it was like ther was a bus that had 'Your LIFE' written on it and you saw it whooshing past but you couldn't catch up - you were left holding the handles of the blessed pram.
It gets better though. You will grow in to your life and your life will bend to suit where you want to grow. I think you are being very, very brave.

i;m so glad your getting help norky, and these things take time, due to my depression, our 4th baby was discussed at lenght by myself my husband and our GP, and understand, these things don't go away overnight, but, your heading in the right direction xxxxxxx

the sisters behaviour is very bizarre. Does she have no worry, love or empathy towards her niece and nephew. If my sister had done this my main concern would have been towards my nieces even if i tried to be there for my sister. I could not just have left them to get on with it.

I was the same, I was absolutely convinced that my DDs would be better off without me. I was able to plan rationally and nobody, not even my parents or H knew how I was feeling.

There are some such sad stories on here so sorry to hear of those who have suffered. I'll try and post in a little while, something has just come up xx

family dynamics are weird things... its odd that the sister didnt go to the wedding, but perhaps there is something that even you, as her best friend, dont know and the sister does..

perhaps the sister knows that left alone for a while your friend may suddenly have a complete change of heart and is being flaky..

or perhaps the email wasnt actually from the sister at all, but someone pretending to be her..

I would just stay neutral, and not get too involved to be honest..

My exh did this too.He decided he didnt want the domesticity of our life and buggered off.I had 4 dc's one only 8 months and had just had treatment for breast cancer.Funnyily nobody batted an eyelid about it.
Yanbu to be shocked but blokes do this all the bloody time and its not taboo.
Also i aggree,i am having ad's for pnd at the moment my baby is 8 months.I think the fact her dh passed it off as "she got it dealt with" shows his lack of understanding of how she had felt.

I don't like the sound of her sister. For one thing, suggesting that your friend might have PND doesn't mean you're saying she's unbalanced. Has she had children herself?

Is her sister better off (in terms of company) having her sister living nearby? Do you think she will enjoy having someone to go out with, someone who is single?

I can't imagine responding to my sister's friend in that way.

I feel so sorry for your friend, she must have been 9and is) so desperate.

having Had PND, and having made plans myself to leave many times (I just wanted to go AWAY, drive somewhere far away and be alone) I sort of get what she must have been through. She must have hit rock bottom.

When I was at the bottom, I saw "The Hours" and the agony of the boy who was left by his mum, was a massive wake up call somehow, and I stopped fantasising about running away as I understood he was more important than me, and I just somehow had to pull myself out of this.

I still suffered panic attacks for years, but we have come out teh other end.

Still, I feel HUGE compassion and worry for your friend.

Hope you can too

Agree with imperial, the sister definitely has her own agenda. Odd that she'd be the first choice of support if she wasn't even close enough to go to her wedding

I can quite understand how bewildered and angry you must feel at your friend. I think I'd hold back though, until you know which way the land lies, and you're right to do your ranting on here in the meantime.

Support her DH and the dc's as you are doing, and make sure you look after yourself in the meantime. You sound lovely, and she is blessed to have a friend like you.

Its so so sad and Id be pretty upset with my friend too (while trying to understand what the hell was going on of course).
Am also interested in the sister - what does she have to gain, it doesnt sound like shes that close if she didnt even attend their wedding. Does she dislike the DH - maybe thats why she didnt attend the wedding either.
Has the sister got any children of her own? Would she understand much about PND?
Does your friend have parents that may help/shed some light on recent events?

I agree with the poster who said to save your energy for your friends children. And tell her that too. " Im finding it shocking what youve done, I want to offer my support and as your children have effectively just lost their mother Im going to make sure they have my attention whilst things get sorted out"

She isn't abandoning them, she's going to pay child support and wants contact.

She may be ill or she may see that the best place for the children is left in their home with a parent that is up to the job.

If the job of parenting is now equal, then either parent can have residency of the children.

It is her marriage that she has walked out on, not motherhood. Would it have been better for the children to be dragged about and not have contact with their father, whilst she gets herself sorted out?

I would also love to know what is going on with the sister. Does she want to see the children? She is their aunt.

I think it's normal when you have pnd to want to escape - either from your situation or the world. I remember on one occasion running down the street with half straightened hair and tears streaming down my face just wanting to escape under a bus or anywhere - but I didn't. Killing yourself or leaving your kids would lift a huge burden from you but it would put it onto the shoulders of your kids and that is selfish behaviour regardless of any mh problems.

I thought she was undecided about contact.

OK just re-read. No idea where I got that from. Ignore.

I have seen first-hand the effects of using social conditioning and guilt to keep a mother at home with her child. The very best it achieves is the bare minimum of care and a whole host of emotional and psychological issues. At the worst you see examples like Baby P. Any mother who says she cannot or will not be a parent, should be listened to. For the child's sake.

I'm not saying it's ok. From the child's POV of course it's not ok. It will hurt and leave a scar possibly for their whole life. But nothing that would compare to the deep rooted pain and insecurity that follows being coldy rejected on a daily basis if the mother stays (at best) or being actively abused (at worst).

I wouldn't think highly of any parent who abandoned their child, but I can understand it and in some cases believe it is the right thing to do. If you cannot be a fit parent, better to be none at all and stick to no involvement and only paying maintenance. At least the OPs friend is willing to pay maintenance and recognises that that's a responsibility she will have until the youngest child is 18. That's a big improvement on the fathers of more than half the children being brought up by single mothers in this country.