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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to feel like the four year old stage is WAAAAAAAAAAAAAY harder than the "terrible twos" ?

178 replies

CheerfulYank · 03/10/2011 19:05

I just am really at my wit's end!

I posted a little bit ago about my son's constant arguing. I just hate it, my mom and brother had a terrible relationship and I don't want things to be like that; I don't want the kind of tension I grew up with in my home. And DS is only 4! And I work with children who have behavior issues! I feel like I should be able to handle things better. Blush

DS came home from preschool and was eating his lunch. (I was home from work because of a migraine :( ) He finished his lunch and I asked him to throw his sandwich crusts into the dog's bowl.

He refused "because I'll get my hands dirty!" (There was applesauce on the crusts, he's a messy eater :) ) I said well then you can wash them.

He refused again. I said "do what I asked you please." He started hopping up and down and screeching. I said "go upstairs until you're ready to do what I asked."

He ran up the stairs and stopped to yell down "I want my license!" (He has one of DH's old driver's licenses that he likes to play with.) I said that he could have it after he had put his plate away like I'd asked.

He ran downstairs screeching and tried to grab it anyway. I told him no firmly and said I would take it away. He picked it up and glared at me, I took it away and said he couldn't have it.

He grabbed his plate and went to dump it out into the dog's bowl. I told him to pick the crusts up with his fingers but he didn't want to; he dumped the whole plate over and got applesauce all over his foot. Cue screaming.

Sigh...I almost feel like I should namechange for this, it sounds so stupid when I write it down. But it is really hard because I feel like he's always in trouble for something, and I hate that! And when I've to ignore most behavior he slides more into outright defiance, etc.

Ugh! AIBU to just want to hide under a blanket all day? It;s not that I think things like this are terribly out of the ordinary, it's just that there are so many incidents every day and it's really wearing.

As far as the dirty-hands things goes, I'm beginning to think that he may be more sensitive than some to things like that. DH hates anything dirty or slimy on his hands and washed them constantly, and I think DS may have some of that too. He doesn't mind actual dirt and is okay with fingerpaint, but other slimy/sticky things he doesn't like. So in the future I will help him or tell him to use his spoon to fling them off or something.

But the whole refusal to do things, the arguing, the backtalk...it just feels constant and it's really hard. And on top of that DH is gone on a business trip for three days. Ugh.

Help!

OP posts:
Dexifehatz · 03/10/2011 23:29

My son's just turned 6 and he is a fing nightmare. Yet DD2 aged 2 is also a fing nightmare. In fact DD1 aged 13 is also a taller nightmare. Shoot me now...

Original poster
CheerfulYank · 03/10/2011 23:32

We're going out to dinner with a friend later so I gave him a little snack of goldfish crackers and milk.

He decided he wanted to eat it like cereal and dumped his milk over his crackers. I said fine, not going to turn it into a fight. Until he decided "it tastes yuuuuuuccckkkyy...."

Sigh.

OP posts:
Kladdkaka · 03/10/2011 23:38

I hate to tell you, but it doesn't get any better. Mine's 18 and I still dream of a day without 'WHY?', 'THAT'S NOT FAIR!' or any door slamming. I asked my mum when it ends. She looked at my brother (42) and said she'd let me know. :o

NestaFiesta · 04/10/2011 08:38

Kladdkaka- first of all I chuckled at your post, and then I sobbed! :)

Original poster
CheerfulYank · 04/10/2011 08:52

Klad no! Shock NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

OP posts:
valiumredhead · 04/10/2011 09:03

What Klad said - sorry! Grin

4 is worse than 2, 6 is worse than 4 etc...

We are at 10 now and dear God, I dream of the days when he was little! At this age you really have to keep your wits about you!

Again, sorry! Grin

Yanky the only thing I suggest is pick your battle, otherwise you will be fighting all day. Choice is good but "Get these pajamas on" would be heard in this house - no need for choice wrt to pajamas imo - just gives them an excuse to whinge and use more delaying tactics.

The phone call - I would've locked myself in the bathroom or taken MYSELF out of the situation iyswim?

Is he is full time school yet? That wears them out! Wink

Hope your migraine goes soon - they are horrid x

SmethwickBelle · 04/10/2011 09:10

I've got one of each and I do think the (near) two year old is harder, although my four year old is astonishingly defiant at times. I ignore, distract and then sanction as best as I can, etc and resist the urge to scream in a shrill fashion and turn to drink Grin

fedupofnamechanging · 04/10/2011 10:22

My 4 year old dd has been stroppy and screamy since she was 3. She can be so loving and affectionate, and is honestly a little sweetheart, but likes all her own way, won't share anything with her brothers and stamps her feet and shouts if someone dares to say no to her.

She is the youngest of 4 and I don't remember her brothers being like this. DS3 was prone to tantrums, but had nowhere near as many as dd. She has just started school, and is tired, which is doing very little to improve her general level of grumpiness.

I am just trying to be consistent and not give her all her own way just because she has shouted/screamed. I fear for the teenage, moody years.

skybluepearl · 04/10/2011 10:26

try reading beyond toddlerhood or/and toddler taming by christopher green. will help

GentleOtter · 04/10/2011 10:37

Our 4 year old ds can change from being very sweet to hellish instantly. He stabbed a piece of chicken on his plate and one grain of rice fell on the ground but he wailed 'oh, my life is ruined' and threw an almighty strop. (learned from drama queen elder sister)

Door banging and switching the light on and off ensued while the rest of us carried on with our lunch.

He also wakens up several times through the night and wants to chat. Dh and I are not great at conversation at 4am.

And can I just mention the 'Why" issue? No matter how well you try and answer the last word will be 'Why?"

"Please put your socks on"
"Why?"
"Don't put your hand in that"
"Why?"

fedupofnamechanging · 04/10/2011 10:50

"Because I said so", is the answer to "why?" GentleOtter Smile

aldiwhore · 04/10/2011 11:32

Feel your pain OP. We had a few issues with my 'spirited' 3 (4 next week) year old. Backchat, insults (poohface a particular favourite), constant 'no's', more 'why's' and many "I can do whatever I want" rants.

I spoke to pre-school, and lo and behold he's an absolute ANGEL there. (proud grrr)

About 3 months ago I was at the point where I was seriously considering e-baying him. I just couldn't get into a stride where I wasn't met with a battle. So I spoke again with pre-school and asked about their routines, disciplines etc., and have adopted some of them at home. "Home" is now more structured, and consistent, and I have to say, its more peaceful. There's no arguments, I count to FIVE and if he doesn't comply (sounds awful) its time out. Within a few days I noticed an improvement, and now, on the days where we're more relaxed his behaviour doesn't get worse, he's coming out of the habit.

Probably ready for the next stage, a calm before another storm... but at present the whole family is at peace.

BrainSurgeon · 04/10/2011 12:11

Ah - oh dear - DS has started early, he's only 3 but already showing signs of what you all say. I'm buggered :(

Original poster
CheerfulYank · 04/10/2011 18:59

That's good Aldi ! I think we will need that, more consistancy and routine. I need to get more sleep as well...I'm so relieved by the peace and quiet when he goes to bed that I stay up far too late enjoying it. And then I'm tired and frazzled the next day.

Valium I usually do remove myself but in this case was tethered to the wall by my phone charger. :)

OP posts:
valiumredhead · 04/10/2011 20:22

It DOES get less relentless though as they get older - less full on iykwim? They start not wanting to be around you all the time and getting more indepentand is a big bonus!

Saggyoldclothcatpuss · 04/10/2011 20:49

My Dad, who has fathered 3 and has 1 stepdaughter, says kids become nice at around, which is around the time they start having their own kids and it all starts again! Confused

Saggyoldclothcatpuss · 04/10/2011 20:50

oops! that should say 'at around 25'!!

christmasmum · 04/10/2011 21:02

I'm actually finding this all very reassuring (in a random way!). My DD is almost 4 and behaves very much as all the others above. We just changed her to a new childminder - and one who is very new to being a childminder at all. We had a chat at the weekend about dealing with DD's 'problem' behaviour which left me completely shocked. She was accusing her of being cheeky, not having any manners, telling tales, not listening, not doing as she was told.... the list went on and on. When I tried to explain that she has none of these issues at home, at school or at her other childminder, she then told me I was ignoring the issues and letting her get away with everything (and I have in the past been accused of being too strict).

I was concerned that I might have been a bit PFB but I'm very relieved to hear that what I thought was normal 3/4 year old antics is just that and I'm going to tell the new childminder to go stuff herself!

BrainSurgeon · 04/10/2011 21:44

christmasmum you go girl! don't let the childminder put you down. I suffered and cried and blamed myself enough because of a CM who kept comparing DS with the other kids she looked after, and who handed him back to me saying she can't cope with him after 2 months!!!! And he is a WONDERFUL little boy, really is.

ChablisLover · 04/10/2011 21:49

Ds 4 1/2 has calmed down since starting school but the summer was he'll.
Put it down to testosterone.

Cm thought he was lovely do only played up with me not even dh just me

Glad it is over he has become adorable and nice and eager

Now just to sort out fussy eating and I could have this cracked

Mummyinggnome · 04/10/2011 22:02

Oh OP, it's the same here. And I completely agree with the fact that boys have a testosterone surge at 4, as I've found my daughters to be easier (it's marginal!) than my son. He's constantly roaring like a dinosaur, asking 'why' all the time (god that's draining) and if any other child goes near his sisters he thumps them - particularly other boys. BUT, he's so loving and perfect the rest of the time that once in bed I can just think of the good parts of the day. Unless of course I have a sore throat from screaming at him which just makes me feel guilty and like a completely shit mum!

Original poster
CheerfulYank · 04/10/2011 22:13

Passes large Brew to Mummyinggnome ... or Wine if you'd prefer. Wink

It's just draining. I've really kept him busy today and we've been outside a lot, and then he's got tae kwon do so he's been all right.

I, on the other hand, am ready to fall over in an exhausted heap.

OP posts:
perplexedpirate · 04/10/2011 22:24

Thank god thank god thank GOD it's not just me.

DS and I went to the supermarket today and we'd been there 30 mins before we bought one thing. First we had the wrong type of trolley, then he needed the loo, then he didn't, then he really really did, then he was hungry, so I said we'd get some bread, but he wasn't hungry for bread he was thirsty, so I went and bought a drink, but it was the wrong drink, so I said it would have to do, so he drank some, cheered up, and then accidentally dropped it all over the floor, so I had to find a shop assistant and apologise profusely and offer to clean it myself while DS sat there commenting on how the floor is now slippy.
I only needed a bag of flour.

And then 2 minutes later he says that he loves me all the world and I wonder how I ever lived without him and that all I want in life is to make him happy and he's a miracle and my best friend etc etc and I know, I KNOW he's just looking at me thinking "Played!".

aldiwhore · 04/10/2011 22:25

CheerfulYank I TOTALLY understand your need for me time when they're in bed... but it can be counterproductive can't it?

I HATE routine, timetables and all that jazz, but for me its been a lifesaver.

I still have me time, probably MORE now because the bedtime routine works a treat, but I TRY to go to bed before dawn if I can pull myself away from the internet and having a decent sleep is crucial.

These days I could sleep at 4pm... the thought of bathtime, bedtime routine at 4pm fills me with dread, so I make a VERY strong coffee, sit for 20minutes in the garden having a cigarette get on with tea, go for a walk or kick about outside, anything to get my heart rate up in a good way. Then I find I get that second wind which will see me through until dawn me time.

Our timetable isn't set in stone by the way, I still feel 'free' to go as the day will take me (especially in the school holidays) but each segment has a rigid process, I wouldn't miss out storytime, or get them to brush their teeth before breakfast, everything happens in a certain order, rather than a certain time, so there's no battle, and no surprise!

I still need lots of Brew and probably more Wine than is healthy, but you can't have it all Wink

squareheadcut · 04/10/2011 22:27

my 4 yo also gets argumentative and i had to pull him up on being rude yesterday when he told a girl in the park that he was going to beat her up! i was pretty shocked to hear that and he had no tv and went to bed when he got home but the arguments - i try and defuse them and not let it all be about that - i change the subject quite a lot when i sense he's going down a grumpy path - try and get him to lighten up and laugh about something instead, but yes it's a battle trying to get him to do stuff sometimes - i hate having to tell him to eat up his dinner at every mouthful - that is a real grind.