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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be fuming at sexist Christmas Presents?

475 replies

WomanlyWoman · 02/10/2011 15:40

I attended my first PTA meeting the other night, during which I discovered that the pta have bought Christmas presents for every child in the school. Nice, right? Then I realised the presents were different according to gender, the older children get books, the younger ones such as my child, in reception, get crafty things from Yellow Moon. Great, except - the girls get flower presses, the boys get cars.

This has really p-ed me off bigtime. For one, my daughter likes cars, car was one of her first words, she adores Lightning McQueen and doesn't seem to realise that it's meant to be for boys. So what message does it give her about herself when she sees the boys getting cars while she gets a flower press? Admittedly she would probably like a flower press too, but that is not the point. What about nature loving boys? Why are these children being given the message that active dynamic machines are for boys and pretty, passive things like flowers are for girls? A nature theme for all of them or a transport theme for all of them would be fine by me, but this just seems so wrong.

I'm very shy by nature and I hardly know any of the other parents. The pta meeting itself was quite an ordeal for me, so I didn't speak up at the time. I thought it was pointless because the presents have already been bought. Why make myself unpopular, so soon, when it's already done and dusted.

Then I started thinking, it's only October, there may be time to send them back and order different ones if enough parents express an opinion similar to mine. Not sure how to go about it though. Opinions and advice appreciated.

OP posts:
KatieMiddleton · 02/10/2011 17:23

Just because it's free doesn't mean it's ok to gender stereotype. What if they gave out presents based on racial stereotyping or religious stereotyping?

Can you imagine the quite justified outcry if all the black kids got a cd of reggae music and the white kids got a cd of Mozart?

There should be a positive example set in schools and whether you have paid for the gift makes no difference to the obligation.

onagar · 02/10/2011 17:24

By some arguments you could never buy a boy a car no matter how much he wanted it.

"No your sister has to have the car"
"but she asked for a doll that talks!"
"I don't care what she wants. She'll have a car and like it" :o

Iggi999 · 02/10/2011 17:25

Quite, KM.
It's not a present from your auntie Flo, it's from the school and they need to take note of the values of that school (which presumably don't involve sexism and gender stereotyping!)

Takver · 02/10/2011 17:27

YA So NBU

Of course its nice that the PTA is buying the children a present, but 'boys presents' and 'girls presents' at that age is just daft.

And of course no-one wants all children to be the same - but in fact what gendered present giving says is (a) all girls are the same as other girls and (b) all boys are the same as other boys.

Plus, I really don't believe that there are that many little girls out there who wouldn't be pleased with a toy car - we always gave out matchbox cars as prizes at dd's parties at that age, and all the kids seemed equally happy with them.

TeamMummRa · 02/10/2011 17:29

Our PTA get around this by giving each class teacher £25 to buy a "Father Christmas Present" for the whole class. Usually ends up being toys or games for wet play, fancy colouring pens, playdough sets etc.
And of course, delivered by a fat local man in a cheap red velveteen suit and dodgy fake beard on the last day of term.

Takver · 02/10/2011 17:29

"By some arguments you could never buy a boy a car no matter how much he wanted it."

No, you just don't assume that the boy will want the car, and the girl the doll.

Getting a pile of cars and a pile of flower presses would be fine, and letting the children pick which they wanted (though I still reckon all the cars would go first Grin )

Dawndonna · 02/10/2011 17:29

YANBU
So what if it's free, which actually it isn't, at some point during the year you and others will have contributed at various fund raising events.
I don't agree with this stereotyping.

Laquitar · 02/10/2011 17:30

Grin onagar

Takver · 02/10/2011 17:31

I think the example of giving all the black kids in a class one present and all the white kids another is a really good analogy. If that happened, I can't imagine so many people on here saying 'you should just be grateful for a free present'

IME going into reception is the time when an awful lot of small children learn the hard way very quickly that they aren't allowed to play with the other sex / like the wrong colours / play with the wrong toys and this is just another way of reinforcing it.

yousankmybattleship · 02/10/2011 17:32

YAB soooo U. Girls and boys like different things. So what? At our school events we have different lucky dips for the girls and the boys and they love it. They are all getting the same education and opportunutes but sometimes girls like something pink and trashy and boys like a car to crash into the wall. It is only a present and in all probability they'll be thriled for ten minutes and then forget what they were given anyway. Lighten up!

pinkthechaffinch · 02/10/2011 17:33

onagar

or they could both have a car

women do drive nowadays, you know

Pinot · 02/10/2011 17:35

Firstly, don't fume, it gives you wrinkles.

Secondly, I think when you've been there a bit longer, bring up the subject of unisex toys.

Thirdly, I assume your DD doesn't like only cars so a flower press won't be totally heinous to her

Fourthly, if it was a heinous choice for her it's a good opportunity to teach her to be grateful for things she may not have chosen herself and that giving to charity shops is a GOOD THING.

HTH

Dozer · 02/10/2011 17:36

Yanbu. Amazed that so many people think this is ok.

KatieMiddleton · 02/10/2011 17:36

There's a considerable difference between buying a child a gift because they like it and have indicated they like it and buying a child a gift because they belong to a particular gender/racial/religious group.

breatheslowly · 02/10/2011 17:40

YANBU - I would have really felt the injustice of this as a child. A flower press is a poor gift in the middle of winter anyway. And you have probably paid about £5 to the PTA in one way or another to buy this £1 gift (think of the cakes you made, paid for the ingredients of, the time you put in etc). I don't really see why the PTA is getting Christmas presents anyway. Surely the PTA money is for something the school couldn't afford and would make a real difference to the school experience, like a trip or climbing frame.

MrsBuntyCulDeSacWonder · 02/10/2011 17:42

YABU. It's just a gift, I think you need to lighten up a little. Maybe there is a little boy that would like to trade a car for a flower press with your DD? Seriously, my DSs would probably quite like the idea of pressing flowers.

ElderberrySyrup · 02/10/2011 17:53

YANBU.
You wouldn't buy all the kids of a particular ethnic or racial group a present that reflects the stereotypes about that group on the grounds that they are more likely to like it. (Let's see.... chef's hats for any French kids in the school, toy guns for any Americans.)

But there's not a lot you can do about it as a new member of the PTA other than help out a lot and make sure you are in a position to ensure that next year this ridiculous gender stereotyping doesn't happen.

Allboxedin · 02/10/2011 17:54

If your dd loves cars so much, I am sure she has plenty of them at home anyway. Why not give her the chance to have something different? Maybe you are trying to influence her choices more than the PTA are?

IloveJudgeJudy · 02/10/2011 17:55

I can tell you exactly why not everyone in the class got the same thing, particulary if there are two classes per year. It's very difficult to get 30 things exactly the same. One year we did give Dc in the school all different stuff - cue major rows! So, it was decided that all YR girls would get something the same, all YR boys would get something the same and so on up the school. We didn't want to get the DC the same thing that they got last year so it gets really difficult. You've got a very small budget for this kind of thing. The presents were given out on Christmas party day at school.1

Breatheslowly - yes, fine, well not fine, but I can kind of understand it if you are someone who always makes the cakes, helps at a stand at the summer fair, etc., but the sad truth is that the people who make the most fuss about things like this ime of 11 years being on the PTA, are the people who do nothing to contribute to the school. Our PTA did always collect for something big; this was something a bit extra that we found the majority of the DC really appreciated.

I have two DSs and one DD and I would say that on the whole, obviously one cannot completely generalise, but on the whole the boys would prefer the car and the girls something to draw with or put in their hair...

Whatmeworry · 02/10/2011 17:55

Not at such a young age they don't

I take it you don't have both daughters and sons, OP?

Tortington · 02/10/2011 17:58

where has this money come from and why is it not being spent to help the school with educational supplies which i am sure they need?

that would be my question

stripeybump · 02/10/2011 17:59

YANBU.

They should have just got a variety of stuff at the same cost and wrapped it all up regardless of gender.

I am Shock at all the posters who don't see it as a problem! I hated to be stereotyped when I was a little girl, the idea of getting the same present as everyone else who happens to share my genitalia would have really pissed me off. There are such a wide range of toys and interests for primary aged kids, I can't believe how shallow the choice is.

5BottlesOfShampoo · 02/10/2011 18:04

YANBU. There's plenty of non-gendered toys available. As for cars for the DS's, mine's overrun at the moment... and he's begging for a Tinkerbell for Christmas. Grin

It's actually a shame, to me, that the school sees gender stereotyping as acceptable. :(

dementedma · 02/10/2011 18:05

think you need to lighten up OP.
Over the years your Dcs will receive loads of shit inappropriate presents. Teach her how lucky she is and that it's the thought that counts. then if, she, or you, really hate the gift, take it to a charity shop so someone else can benefit.
if the school had to pander to the beliefs/preferences of every parent, nothing would ever get done.

SenoritaViva · 02/10/2011 18:09

Our school buys books for the different years which is lovely and ungendered.

I think you don't need to fume OP but get involved and suggest less gender specific gifts next time.