to be fuming at sexist Christmas Presents?

[WomanlyWoman]

I attended my first PTA meeting the other night, during which I discovered that the pta have bought Christmas presents for every child in the school. Nice, right? Then I realised the presents were different according to gender, the older children get books, the younger ones such as my child, in reception, get crafty things from Yellow Moon. Great, except - the girls get flower presses, the boys get cars.

This has really p-ed me off bigtime. For one, my daughter likes cars, car was one of her first words, she adores Lightning McQueen and doesn't seem to realise that it's meant to be for boys. So what message does it give her about herself when she sees the boys getting cars while she gets a flower press? Admittedly she would probably like a flower press too, but that is not the point. What about nature loving boys? Why are these children being given the message that active dynamic machines are for boys and pretty, passive things like flowers are for girls? A nature theme for all of them or a transport theme for all of them would be fine by me, but this just seems so wrong.

I'm very shy by nature and I hardly know any of the other parents. The pta meeting itself was quite an ordeal for me, so I didn't speak up at the time. I thought it was pointless because the presents have already been bought. Why make myself unpopular, so soon, when it's already done and dusted.

Then I started thinking, it's only October, there may be time to send them back and order different ones if enough parents express an opinion similar to mine. Not sure how to go about it though. Opinions and advice appreciated.

Agree gremlin, you can't please anyone nowdays. I find it hard to believe that this is being made such a huge issue, most of the kids are spoilt enough at christmas as it is without worrying about a little pressy from school.

YANBU. Why not go the whole hog and just get the girls a pinny and the boys a briefcase?

You should point it out because it's the right thing to do, but expect a dim reception because people genuinely don't see the problem with gender stereotyping.

The point is that boys and girls are not born with significant differences between their brains but from birth they are conditioned to be different

That is way too simplistic, the development of the sexes as they grow makes the brains grow differently too.

No, people do see the problem with gender stereotyping. That's where you employ your best parenting skills and raise your children accordingly. This is about choosing battles and not being shittily ungrateful for something being handed out for nothing.

Whilst you're all harping on about the damage that this gift is going to do, you're all forgetting that you're teaching your children that you don't need to be gracious about a gift if it's not something they want. Use it as a learning tool.

If you disapprove, I'm sure there are charity shops out there who would love an influx of unwanted tat toys.

Well I don't think yanbu but it's pta and it's bought and it is fundraised and if they are a registered charity (some are some not) they can't waste the money so what I would do is:

Accept it's done for 2012 but make sure it was raised as an issue shortly after Christmas along the lines of 'great thanks to all who fundraised for last year's gifts. This year I wondered if we could take a different tack...'

I think in a way this thread shows it, that if we don't play the game as reasonably as possible (in this sort of circumstance- other areas different ballgame but this is people who volunteer trying to be kind after all) we alienate people from the 'cause' and end up making it less acceptable.

So YANBU but look longer term is my advice.

yes indeed Whatmeworry, my poor precising skills are part of the reason why I linked to the book which will explain it all far, far better than I can.

Well, hang on, no-one's suggesting the children stamp on the presents, are they? Just that it's October and perhaps could be changed?

I am not teaching my children to be ungrateful, I would expect them to accept the gift with good grace. However, if in a position to change things, as the op is, I would be looking for things to be different next time.

There's always someone who, if someone raises a valid complaint, will say "you do it next time! What a convenient way of avoiding the point raised

Yes, and its also a convenient way of stopping people who are time wasters on committees, as it puts them in the position of having to deliver, and facing the consequences of their own actions. and in my experience these sort of peopel like to snipe and criticise but seldom to do.

Been there, done that, will do it again every time :o

At what point does the op say her child would be upset at getting a flower press? It's a smokescreen to say your child should be grateful for whatever they get, it misses the whole point of the argument.

Should be her child and whatever they get

Whatmeworry, how on earth do you get from one person making a point about sexism, to assuming this person is a time-waster who never makes any contribution? It seems pretty defensive and high-handed of committees that want to silence any feedback. If what you claim was really true, then no-one would ever be able to make any comment on anything unless they'd been directly involved in the decision-making or delivery.

Yes, the grateful thing is neither here nor there.

I'm really surprised and a bit sad about the amount of people who think this practice is ok.

What books are the older children getting?

Is there a gender difference between them too?

Why can't the younger ones all have a book too?

OP I can see your point (I hate the way all toys seem to come with an obligatory pink flowery version, because girls can't possibly play with a sandpit or a slide etc in any other colour) but this is just one toy and she will be getting others at Christmas.

As you say she loves cars, no doubt she already has lots of cars to play with and will probably be getting more. You say yourself that she will probably like the flower press as well.

If anything, this thread has shown that there are a lot of parents who are happy to buy their sons a flower press or a pink pram and their girls a toy car or a train set.

It must be hard to shop for an entire school full of children and try to please everyone on a budget.

I think the way to go is to appreciate the effort someone else has put in this year and offer to help with this next year so you can lead by example.

If you are ordering presents in October then there isn't really an issue of finding 30 of the same thing, because if you order it from an online catalog then the company will source it. Wrapping must indeed take a long time, but that will be so regardless of the 'genderdness' of the gift - although I can imagine it might make you more inclined to chose something that is an easy shape to wrap.

I can quite see that buying presents could be a minefield, and that it must be a bit of a kick in the teeth if people aren't grateful for your efforts, but the OP raising a point of principle is really not the same as her dd turning her nose up at a gift. It is quite possible to be polite and irritated at he same time.

Just wanted to add, in this situation, if as a mum you expect your child not to like a present because it is gender stereotyping then you are effectively creating the problem rather than explaining to them how lovely it is to get an unexpected present and how much effort went into them getting it.

They may or may not like it and if they don't help, your next job is to help them come up with a constructive idea of what to do with it.

Let's not forget that schools have a responsibility to keep to equal opportunities guidelines too. This isn't the same as private individuals buying for friends/relatives.

"it must be a bit of a kick in the teeth if people aren't grateful for your efforts"

Surely it's a matter of potentially changing the order rather than sending anything back in any case - I would think it unlikely that anything has arrived as yet. I do agree that it would go down better if there was an offer to help alongside the query re the sexist nature of the presents.

(not sure how I managed to quote that bit - think I was going to say to someone else that it's nice to give without insisting on a particular response).

But why give toy cars to the boys and flower presses to the girls? Why not just give flower presses to everyone? OR something else to everyone.
Car = can play with immediately. Is male . Can be noisy (either inbuilt sound effects or child's own) and involves lots of activity.
Flower press = delayed gratification. Is quiet and involves (the girls) sitting 'nicely' and quietly.

oh FFS it's hardly a militant demand to expect schools to promote equal opportunities and to discourage gender stereotyping in all their activities, is it? If this were a secret santa or something, fair enough, but in a school, where they are supposed to be in the business of developing every child's true potential, regardless of gender, race, sexuality etc., it is bloody piss poor that they're so moronic that they can't see what's wrong with reinforcing gender stereotypes.

Quite apart from the sheer oddness of choosing to spend hard earned money on gender-defined gifts... I'm not a puritan but it seems an odd thing to want to spend school money on, instead of something that might benefit the children's welfare or education in school.

Here's an idea: why doesn't OP give the gift to her daughter and let her decide what she thinks of it? One of two things will happen;

1. She likes it.

1. She doesn't like it and it goes to Oxfam. Mum explains that we don't always get gifts that we will like.

I wasn't particularly enamoured with the gift of poundshop bubble bath that DS got given at his toddler group last year. Seeing as it was just people trying to be nice, I let it go.

YANBU, and I'm not sure what worries me more, the school's thoughtless sexism and gender stereotyping, or the number of people on this thread who think you should just be grateful and accept it.

I should hope that instead of just being quiet and grateful to get anything at all, each and every women out there would challenge this subtle conditioning that boys and girls are different, and boys must like X and girls must like Y. Would you be just as grateful if a career counsellor suggested your daughter be a nurse instead of a doctor? At least they get to have a career!

There are plenty of gender-neutral craft kits out there that would have been so much more suitable.