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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to have no idea what to say to PG friend who is having her third boy?

303 replies

LittleOneMum · 30/09/2011 15:39

One of my very best friends has two boys, aged 1 and 4. I have two DCs too, same ages, but a DS (4) and DD (1). It was really nice being pg at the same time, our kids are close and until now, all well.
However, when we were both pg with DC2, she was desperate for a girl. Had a name all picked out, often spoke of organising her wedding day, etc. I was very relaxed and in my heart of hearts probably wanted another boy (but never said this).
Of course, scans showed she was having a boy and I was having a girl and she was pretty upset for a while. But she got over it and she loves her two boys and tbh my DD is pretty tomboy like so far...
Anyway, we've decided to stick with 2, and she decided to have a 3rd DC and this afternoon she rang me in tears to say that her scan showed it was a 3rd boy. She was beside herself with pain. I was totally rubbish, I didn't know what to say and although she is too nice to say so, I could so feel she was thinking "it's OK for you, you have a DD".
bloody blinking turnips what am I going to do? AIBU just to say nothing? I know that long term she will love her son, but she is in pain now and I am her friend. AAAAAARGH.

OP posts:
exoticfruits · 30/09/2011 19:19

She knew when she strarted that it was 50/50. If she really wanted a girl, rather than a baby it was rather silly to start on those odds. She could adopt an older girl, if it is that important. I think it is great that people can't order DCs like any other commodity.

BeerTricksPotter · 30/09/2011 19:21

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Aislingorla · 30/09/2011 19:26

I have no sympathy at all for her . I am lucky to have three CHILDREN who happen to be boys. I have no plans for them other than to do my best to give them a stable, secure upbringing.
How dare anyone plan a wedding (or suchlike) for their child, it's what THEY want in life that we have to support.
Your friend is an idiot (my SIL cannot concieve and would love one child of any gender)

tethersend · 30/09/2011 19:26

FAB, I didn't say PND is an 'irrational reaction'. I said the reactions experienced by someone with PND are irrational. Why is that shocking?

Tota1Xaos · 30/09/2011 19:28

so on a less contentious note, tethers, can I ask what sort of response is helpful to those with gender disappointment? genuine question, not being snarky.

exoticfruits · 30/09/2011 19:30

I have 3 boys and I am just grateful they are all healthy and happy. I might have sympathy, but not when she is planning weddings!!! How on earth does she know what sort of DD she would get and even whether they would have the same ideas? If my mother had been thinking of my wedding when I was born I would have eloped and made sure that she had nothing to do with it!
You respond to the DC that you have and not the one that you want!

tethersend · 30/09/2011 19:30

For me, just listening and signposting avenues of support was/would have been really helpful.

exoticfruits · 30/09/2011 19:32

The response to gender disappointment is to remind tham that a DC is a gift and not a possession. Give them the following poem.

Your children are not your children.
They are the sons and daughters of Life's longing for itself.
They come through you but not from you,
And though they are with you yet they belong not to you.

You may give them your love but not your thoughts,
For they have their own thoughts.
You may house their bodies but not their souls,
For their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow,
which you cannot visit, not even in your dreams.
You may strive to be like them,
but seek not to make them like you.
For life goes not backward nor tarries with yesterday.

You are the bows from which your children
as living arrows are sent forth.
The archer sees the mark upon the path of the infinite,
and He bends you with His might
that His arrows may go swift and far.
Let your bending in the archer's hand be for gladness;
For even as He loves the arrow that flies,
so He loves also the bow that is stable.

Their wedding is certainly nothing to do with you, unless they ask you to be involved!

exoticfruits · 30/09/2011 19:33

Should have said by Kahlil Gibran

Ilovedaintynuts · 30/09/2011 19:34

I have every sympathy for your friend.
I'm one of the wicked, irrational and ungrateful women who has suffered gender disappointment Wink

I have also suffered from infertility, had unsuccessful treatment, lost a baby and had terrible PND. Guess what? I still had a gender preference.

The truth is I understand it is irrational and ungrateful! How awful to have a preference for what genitals a perfect new baby has. I get it. Every baby is a blessing. I get it.

After my children were born( a DS and two DDs) I had counselling and really tried to understand my fear and distaste about boys. It was so strong I truthfully felt sorry for anyone who had a boy. I would assume that everyone was secretly disappointed but was too embarrassed to say.
I discovered through my wonderful patient counsellor the reasons for my fear of boys.

My family is loaded with 'problem' and 'difficult' men. My father and both grandfathers are cold and distant alcoholics. My brother is a drug addict who had behavioural problems as a child. Two uncles were drug addicts one of which committed suicide. Two cousins committed suicide, one after sexually abusing me as a child. There are literally no positive role models in any part if my immediate or distant family. In my husbands family nearly all the men and boys are on the autistic spectrum.

In contrast my family is loaded with sassy, confident, intelligent, amazing women.
When I realised what was really rather obvious it was freeing and I started working on looking at wonderful men and boys that DID exist.
I'm still working on myself but I'm much better now.

Sorry for the long story but I just wanted to illustrate that not all women who have this are evil or just ungrateful, sometimes there are deep underlying fears about a gender that you just can't get passed.

Is it really that hard to understand?

TheOriginalFAB · 30/09/2011 19:34

I read it as you said PND was an irrational reaction. Apologies.

Conundrumish · 30/09/2011 19:36

Tell her to have a look at CupofTea's thread about her baby girl who will probably die.

Her approach makes me quite cross - a bit stupid to start planning a daughter's wedding day when she only had a 50:50 chance of a girl. Even then said daughter could have not wanted to get married or been gay. What a lot of pressure to put on a child.

I hope she is hiding her distress from her other boys - what a way to &uck them up.

Whizkidwithacrazystreak · 30/09/2011 19:39

Surely she will get over it all by herself in good time. Having just had a close friend lose her little 3 yr old when he ran out in front of her reversing the car puts things in perspective to me. She will be blessed with 3 healthy boys hopefully. BTW - boys are great, busy, but great!

helpmabob · 30/09/2011 19:41

For those of you who have no patience with the OP's friend, have you read all the posts on here because they explain in detail some of the many reasons behind gender preference and they are as sad as many other stories. And the OP's friend probably only said the bit about the wedding in a general stream of conciousness as you do when you are having a blub on your friend's shoulder?

So go back and read some of the stories behind gender preference and then see if you still feel quite as cross.

tethersend · 30/09/2011 19:47

Sorry FAB, worded it badly.

usualsuspect · 30/09/2011 19:48

I hope the OPs friend never posts for support on MN

Conundrumish · 30/09/2011 19:51

helpmabob those stories on here are very very sad and I feel for the posters enormously. However, the OP didn't suggest that there was anything behind her friend's wish for a girl other than to organise a wedding/buy pink stuff. The two situations are entirely different.

dottynosleep · 30/09/2011 19:55

But why on earth would you chose to have children if you have a fear & distaste for boys? How could it be seen as anything over than grossly unfair to bring a child into existence who has a 50% of being so strongly disliked by its mother Shock

It is horrendously sad & really if you have such strong feelings you should sort them out before you risk damaging your child.

DeWe · 30/09/2011 19:57

I had a friend who was very upset when one of her dc showed to be a boy at the scan. She said that she went through a couple of weeks feeling she was in mourning for the girl she thought she was going to have. As soon as the baby came out she adored him and was a devoted mother who wouldn't have wished anything different. The next dc was a boy too and she wasn't upset.

Hopefully she will feel the same way.

tethersend · 30/09/2011 19:57

The Op did suggest there was more to it than weddings:

"this afternoon she rang me in tears to say that her scan showed it was a 3rd boy. She was beside herself with pain."

This is not someone who is annoyed because she can't organise a wedding.

That's how I read it anyway.

helpmabob · 30/09/2011 19:57

I would say the OP certainly implied it was a lot more than a wish for a girly wedding. If she is incredibly upset I am sure it is a lot more than that but of course neither of us really knows. I can't actually believe someone would be "in pain" over the wedding stuff. Its just part of an emotional outporing imo.

Tota1Xaos · 30/09/2011 20:00

thanks for your post Tethers.

Whelk · 30/09/2011 20:18

When I saw this thread title I honestly thought 'Congratulations' is surely the only response to a pregnancy. Of any gender.

I would love to have a third dc but I can't.

Many people can't even have one.

This sort of thing makes me despair.

MogTheForgetfulCat · 30/09/2011 20:18

I think this is v Sad. As the mother of 3 DSs, I feel sad that anyone feels like this about having boys, and a bit Hmm that she had somewhat unrealistic expectations about having a DD (both in terms of her probability of having one, and how the relationship would be if she did).

I've read the whole thread, including the posts about gender disappointment - whilst I don't 'get' how she is feeling myself, I do 'get' that her disappointment is very real, and painful. Having had PND, I think the analogy drawn elsewhere is germane - one aspect of having PND for me was feeling profoundly guilty for feeling so wretched and unwell and anxious after having had a much-wanted baby. I've had 2 MCs, one v nasty indeed, so I have that pain as a comparator. Still didn't stop me getting PND Sad after having that much-wanted baby.

OP, I don't think you should feel crap about not knowing what to say to your friend. I think she probably just needs someone non-judgmental to pour her heart out to, and it sounds as if you fit the bill. Maybe encourage her to explore counselling if she gets really low about it, or discuss pre-natal depression with her GP. Maybe it's just the shock of having it made concrete, and in a couple of days she'll be embarrassed about her reaction - in which case you can laugh about it with her. Maybe it's going to be something far more deep-rooted and prolonged for her - in which case she'll need more support. As long as you don't ever feel you have to apologise or feel bad for having a DD, I am sure that whatever you say will be fine Smile.

Whelk · 30/09/2011 20:27

I think that the issue of being mentally ill, for example with PND or antenatal depression needs to be separated out from just a general 'I want a girl''.

I have much sympathy with tethersend and others who have experience mental illness, but I don't think the OP said her friend was suffering from that.

You can justify almost anything through suggesting mental illness.

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