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Original poster

i'm losing my looks and i can't deal with it

210 replies

haventstillgotit · 28/09/2011 10:25

i am nearly 32 with 2 dc

recently i have been looking in the mirror and hating what i see, i am starting to get wrinkles and am just looking generally shit and tired all the time despite having a healthy diet and luckily getting lots of sleep

sorry to sound big headed but i was very attractive in my 20's, i was a gawky teenager but when i got into my 20's i don't know what happened but i suddenly got a lot of male attention and people said i was pretty etc. i got with my dh when i was 26 and he used to get jealous because men would stare at me all the time, that doesnt happen now.

i'm thin and look ok-ish in clothes but shit without them but my ageing face lets me down anyway

i try my best to look nice but sometimes i think whats the point as i still look shit. feel pretty much invisible. my boobs are heading south and i have saggy skin and stretchmarks from the dc

thats it really. i know its only going to get worse and worse and there's nothing i can do.

OP posts:
woowoo2 · 28/09/2011 10:27

same here

CailinDana · 28/09/2011 10:28

Oh dear. I think it happens to everyone unfortunately, that's why the cosmetic industry is so lucrative. I think confidence comes across much better than looks and the only way to deal with these changes is to accept them as best you can. If you settle into your new skin you'll probably find you start to look better in your own eyes and you'll naturally come across better to others.

Other than that if you're wealthy you could go for the surgery option. I think plasticked faces look super odd though and I don't think it helps anyone.

catgirl1976 · 28/09/2011 10:28

Nothing is as attractive as confidence :) we all have bad days - am sure that is all this is! Treat yourself to a bit of pampering - whatever you can afford be it a spa day, a new dress or just a new lipstick or something.

Maybe try and take a bit of time for you and your DH as well - I bet he still fancies you like mad, life just gets in the way sometimes and we don't have time and end up taking people for granted - doesn't mean he doesnt still think you are gorgeous

Now cheer up and stop being down on yourself :) !

Thingumy · 28/09/2011 10:29

Just the club.It's called aging.

Best we get to used to it eh? (or start saving for surgery)

Pissfarterleech · 28/09/2011 10:29

Heck, I lost mine years ago.

I shouldn't worry, by the time you hit mid forties you'll just be relieved you've still got your own teeth.

Original poster
haventstillgotit · 28/09/2011 10:32

can't afford surgery and probably wouldn't anyway

it is affecting everything

dh still seems to really fancy me but i can't see how he can. and i take it out on him by getting angry if he tries it on and i can't enjoy sex as much as i used to because i don't feel attractive

OP posts:
lubeybooby · 28/09/2011 10:32

Yep same here. Bastard wrinkles appearing left right and centre seemingly from nowhere. And I gained weight a while ago so have a gorgeous double chin now too. I always had a bit of one but now it's just awful. I'm dealing with the losing weight bit but sod all i can do about the face really!

OneHandFlapping · 28/09/2011 10:32

Now that I'm in my mid-fifties, I can't believe I spent so much time and energies angsting about aging in my thirties. What a waste of time that was!

You're 31. You really don't look old.

nickschick · 28/09/2011 10:34

show us your picture and i bet youll give a few honest compliments you are not as bad as you think - its to do with confidence.

bemybebe · 28/09/2011 10:35

Why exactly are you mourning the loss of attention from strangers or the people who pay attention just to looks? I understand that it is flattering when one turns heads on the street... but then again, so what?

Hardgoing · 28/09/2011 10:35

You know all that time you wasted worrying about your looks as a gawky teenager when actually you were thin and young, well this is the same. My granny is nearly ninety; she has wrinkles in places you haven't even though of yet. She'd love to be 32 with a few tiny wrinkles round the eyes.

On the other hand, I have never been a great beauty, so perhaps had nothing to lose. Being attractive (vivacious, nice clothes and hair, smiley and friendly) is something you can do all your life.

WhereTheWildThingsWere · 28/09/2011 10:37

I am 36 and look way better than I ever have, mainly because I now know what I look good in and wear it with confidence, plus I like myself a whole lot more.

When I look back at photos from 10 years ago I can see I look younger, but I know how shit I felt and how unattractive that made me look.

The appeal of a person is naff all to do with their age.

Katisha · 28/09/2011 10:38

It's actually quite arrogant to believe that only young-looking people with no wrinkles can be attractive.
I hope you can understand that your DH loves you because of who you are not what you look like. Do you really want him to be that shallow?

cocoachannel · 28/09/2011 10:39

Well said WTWTW.

Marne · 28/09/2011 10:40

I'm 29 and lost mine a lont time ago, i don't look in the mirror unless i really have too as i see my mother looking back at me Sad.

Morloth · 28/09/2011 10:41

There is nothing wrong with your body.

It is your head that you need to work on.

diddl · 28/09/2011 10:41

So your husband still fancies you but that´s not enough, you want strangers to also?Confused

fatlazymummy · 28/09/2011 10:42

Your partner still fancies you because you're still the woman he loves. A few wrinkles doesn't alter that. I would be surprised if he even notices them, just as another man wouldn't notice his partners saggy tummy or boobs.
We are meant to get wrinkles as we get older, it's just part of life. The problem starts when we think that only young people [women in particular] are beautiful, or desirable, or deserve to be loved. It's absolute nonsense, there are many attractive people around, of all ages, shapes and sizes.
As others have said, try and be more self confident. Pamper yourself, make the most of your looks, and smile! Personally I think negativity does show on the face.

eurochick · 28/09/2011 10:42

Wild I am the same. I'm 35 now and a few pounds heavier (just a few) and with a smattering of grey hair that wasn't their in my 20s but I feel much more confident. In my old photos I look younger and slimmer but I didn't wear it well because I wasn't confident.

Theas18 · 28/09/2011 10:42

Speaking as an "antique" here I think you need to sort your self esteem out- as WTWTW wrinkles happen and do not detract from your appeal as a person. You feel "invisible" but that isn't cos you have a few saggy bits.....

Maybe, just maybe you are underweight too? THat will age you. Do you smoke- stop - again nothing more aging than smoking.

Find a way of getting some confidence that lies in more than your looks and life will be better for you ((()))

OTheHugeWerewolef · 28/09/2011 10:43

Oh OP Sad That's terrible that you're rejecting your DH because you feel unattractive, even though he clearly still fancies you. There's something really toxic about this culture that encourages women to pin so much of their identity and self-worth on looks, to the extent that we can start to feel like non-people when that begins - as it inevitably does - to fade.

Don't let that happen, please. Your man still clearly adores you. And you're so much more than just a pretty face - and I'm sure you still are gorgeous, even if you can't see it.

FlyingPirates · 28/09/2011 10:44

A person is so much more than their looks. Everyone loses their looks. Everyone. What makes up for it is confidence, a sparkling personality, a great friend, a caring listener, vibrance, personality etc etc. THESE are the things people will judge you on, not your looks (Well, they should, and it is what your friends will do. People who judge based on looks are just shallow. Your real friends wont care what you look like.)

SearchSquad · 28/09/2011 10:46

Look around yourself. There is no dearth of women who DO HAVE wrinkles, tummy overhang, stretch marks and grey hair and still look very attractive. These don't stop you from looking good, you just need to make changes in your make up and clothes and work around what you have got.

Get botox and fillers if you are really miserable, but don't let your sense of well being and self worth rest on your external imperfections, which as you rightly pointed out, will only get worse with time.

I think the key is to be too busy and involved with life to mull over tiny imperfections. And ALSO love yourself!!!

fanjobanjowanjo · 28/09/2011 10:47

It's very important that you tell your DH how you are feeling, so he knows it's not a rejection of him. He may be able to help you work through this confidence wobble.

Life is far too short to get hung up about looks. If it really is getting to you, try seeing your doctor - he may be able to recommend you for CBT to help you change your perspective and give you coping strategies.

It's not something to take lightly, speaking as someone who ended up having a massive panic attack (and ending up in a&e) over my appearance once. I feel completely different now, and I can't understand why I was so upset back then.

OTheHugeWerewolef · 28/09/2011 10:48

Also FWIW I look back sometimes on photos of me in my teens and twenties and think 'OMG I was gorgeous - how on earth could I have felt so shitty about my appearance?' Cos I did - I felt plain and funny-looking and probably a bit fat. But I wasn't. I was gorgeous. I've realised I wasted so much time and energy feeling insecure, when I had nothing to worry about. So now I'm in my thirties (I'm the same age as you) I've stopped caring, and decided to concentrate on feeling happy, and healthy, and loved for who I am. As a result I feel more attractive now, even though I'm a bit tubbier and have lines on my face, than I did when I was a fresh-faced gleaming young thing with a far better figure.

You can look back in 10 years and think 'wow, I was so pretty then, I'm so hideous now, oh woe is me' or you can look at yourself now and think 'this is what I am, my DH loves me, I will love myself too' and get on with enjoying life. Please don't waste your energy pining. Listen to what everyone else here is saying about self-esteem and get on with appreciating what you have today, rather than waiting so you can mourn what you've lost in ten or twenty years' time.