Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

i'm losing my looks and i can't deal with it

210 replies

haventstillgotit · 28/09/2011 10:25

i am nearly 32 with 2 dc

recently i have been looking in the mirror and hating what i see, i am starting to get wrinkles and am just looking generally shit and tired all the time despite having a healthy diet and luckily getting lots of sleep

sorry to sound big headed but i was very attractive in my 20's, i was a gawky teenager but when i got into my 20's i don't know what happened but i suddenly got a lot of male attention and people said i was pretty etc. i got with my dh when i was 26 and he used to get jealous because men would stare at me all the time, that doesnt happen now.

i'm thin and look ok-ish in clothes but shit without them but my ageing face lets me down anyway

i try my best to look nice but sometimes i think whats the point as i still look shit. feel pretty much invisible. my boobs are heading south and i have saggy skin and stretchmarks from the dc

thats it really. i know its only going to get worse and worse and there's nothing i can do.

OP posts:
lollington · 29/09/2011 12:07

Oh for goodness sake. You are 32. Wait until you are coming up to 50 and even then remember confidence and happiness is more attractive than ANYTHING else. I feel for you because I too have had these moments but then I remind myself that there are people out there who have lost their children/have terminal illnesses and really we MUST be grateful for what we have.

Vicky2011 · 29/09/2011 12:08

Well I've found that the one good thing about me being a fat minger is that the downward slope to middle age is a lot less steep. Time to realise that life is about a lot more than looks.

Conundrumish · 29/09/2011 12:11

OP you probably do look rubbish compared to how you did previously but it's all relative, so the people who didn't look great to begin with also look worse. You are probably still very attractive for your age.

Like the others, I am wondering why the fleeting glances of strangers are so important to you. Are you sure this is really about your looks and not about how you feel about yourself generally? Could it be because you are now leading a more domesticated life with young children and feeling that you have less to offer generally?

WhoseGotMyEyebrows · 29/09/2011 12:12

pinkpanettone Are you sure this is really about your looks and not about how you feel about yourself generally?

Yes, go back and read her last few posts.

Conundrumish · 29/09/2011 12:14

Sorry OP, I hadn't read your other posts, but have now. I think you know what is at the heart of it - your parents failing to give you confidence or instil a sense of self-esteem in you. I think you'd benefit from some counselling more than you would from worrying how you look. Sorry you have had such a rubbish time OP Sad.

LieInsAreRarerThanTigers · 29/09/2011 12:19

Something I am always reminding myself is to praise my daughter for plenty of things other than her looks - it is always so easy to say 'you look pretty', 'my beautiful girl' etc. and not always so easy to find other things to praise her for (!) but I am conscious that her self-worth should not be just about her looks.

Hardgoing · 29/09/2011 12:24

I agree with Pink, you sound a sweetie, but all of that other stuff has just knocked your self-esteem so much, and all you really felt valued for were your looks, so it is no wonder you don't feel desirable. I also echo seeing someone, because you said it is affecting your relationship and that is such as shame.

Finding positive role models in your own friends, family or colleagues really helps as well. Whenever I feel a bit 'ugh' about how I look (as I usually delude myself I am quite attractive and then catch sight of myself in a mirror when out and am unpleasantly surprised), I think about my mum who is attractive in her mid-sixties (and recently in a new relationship), and about my great-aunt who is in her nineties, but still loves life and is so enjoyable to spend time with, even though clearly she is wrinkly beyond belief. More importantly, she appears to like herself and like her life. This cheers me up no end. Is there anyone around you that you think looks lovely/has a great personality/just gets out there and lives life who is a bit older?

Hardgoing · 29/09/2011 12:26

And for the same reason, ditch the magazines that have endless articles on how to improve your body, mind, life, husband etc. All that nagging you to self-improve just made me feel worse and I have been much more accepting of myself since I stopped reading them (in my late-twenties).

CamperFan · 29/09/2011 12:29

The advice on here is just brilliant - I am beaming at my reflection after reading them and I hope you can do the same OP!

CamperFan · 29/09/2011 12:32

I also just saw your last post and agree that some counselling would be good. There is also great support on the Relationships section which might help you deal with how this experience and your parents have affected you.

Original poster
haventstillgotit · 29/09/2011 12:39

oblomov

What does your dh have to say ?

he knows about most the stuff i told you all in my last post, but i don't think he really understands tbh. he agrees that my parents are pretty cold, especially my mum, in fact, tbh, he made that observation long before i had actually admitted it to myself. but he is of the opinion that things in the past should stay in the past (which i do agree with to a certain extent) and that i should be grateful of my health, dcs, good life etc. which i am, but it doesn't stop me feeling the way i do. he knows i am insecure about my looks as well but he just says i have nothing to worry about. but i can't believe he will still love and fancy me when i have got no looks left at all.

What does your best friend think

i don't really have a best friend as such TBH. i have a few close-ish friends but they don't know a lot of stuff about me. its only in the last year or so that i have started to build a circle of close friends, i have always struggled making friends which i think stems back to the bullying, i also got bullied at work in my 20's by other women (ironically when i told my mum, she said they were "probably jealous" Hmm ) and never made friends at work. its really only since becoming a mum i have found proper friends through having the DCs.

thanks again everyone, yet again, i can't believe the lovely messages and support on here, not just for me, but for other women in similar situations.

the really ironic thing about all this is i class myself as a feminist...surely a good feminist would not give 2 shits about such superficiality as looks and ageing and feel like i do?

OP posts:
chandellina · 29/09/2011 12:52

it's hard to be a woman and not care at least in some measure about your looks. They're what society typically values us for most, after all.

But ladies - think of how much time you have spent in your life thinking about your looks, weight, diet, etc. and how crazy is that? What a waste of time and energy!

And I never even wanted widespread male attention - just from the cuties I was chasing. I hated getting unwanted sexual attention from the age of 15 or whatever. I'm glad it's drying up frankly.

hardcolin · 29/09/2011 12:53

It's part of life I'm afraid. Thing is, if you outwardly project whatever you are feeling inside, it will only make your appearance worse.

You can fix that. You need to give yourself some TLC.
We all need TLC from time to time.
As for the wrinkles; well there's a fix for those too, only slightly more expensive Wink

queenrollo · 29/09/2011 13:03

i'm 36. i feel like all of a sudden my face looks old. I told a friend the other day, and she didn't know how old I am. She was stunned when i told her. She thought i was about 28 Grin but even being told that hasn't helped. I looked in the mirror this morning and just thought 'ugh'. The skin around my eyes has started to go....and my eyes are one of my best features (so i'm told) so this upsets me.

I had major body image issues for years, because I'm skinny and got massively bullied about it. Boys weren't interested in me, and so I thought I wasn't sexy. It took a long time for me to become happy with my body, and now I have a DH who to be honest has done more to give me a positive body image in the 4 years we've been together than my ex did in 14 years.
But now this battle begins with my face. He told me I don't have wrinkles, I have laughter lines - they only show when I laugh and he says they just make me look more beautiful, because they show how happy I am and how much more i laugh now.

WhoseGotMyEyebrows · 29/09/2011 13:03

Don't let your DHs opinion of the "past staying the the past" stop you from having counselling about your childhood if that's what you chose to do.

I have a friend whose DH doesn't "believe" in depression. When she was having her baby I did wonder what would happen if she got PND, luckily she didn't, but imagine if she had!

If there are things from your past that you would benefit from talking about then do just that and don't let anyone stop you.

queenrollo · 29/09/2011 13:12

actually my parents are of the 'past is the past' school and this means that they never discuss anything that needs working through. I don't think it's a healthy attitude.

whosegot is right. Don't let your DH's attitude stop you from seeking help. Some people do need to work through the past to help them move forward.

aquashiv · 29/09/2011 13:17

www.youtube.com/watch?v=sTJ7AzBIJoI
Here you go listen to this.

Insomnia11 · 29/09/2011 14:02

I'm 36, and have days where I think "God I look like shit" but mostly I find ageing quite amusing. I like the fact that I know soooo much more than I did say, ten years ago, about everything really. I want to get fitter and lose weight, but other than that I'm really happy with how I look. I'm much more confident in myself than I was in my teens or twenties.

Chandon · 29/09/2011 14:08

thanks aquashiv, liked that.

teafanatic003 · 29/09/2011 15:10

Like some other posters here I've ALWAYS been a minger. As an ugly person I'm struggling to feel sorry for the OP.

my sentiments lol, but I suppose if you've come to rely on male attention it must be a shock for it to disappear

lashingsofbingeinghere · 29/09/2011 16:48

haventstillgotit - lots of good advice on here. My tuppence worth is (I am 54 btw with a 20 year old DD) :

Stop reading women's magazines! They are there to sell you stuff by making you feel inadequate. And the celebs in them have usually been carefully lit/surgically enhanced/professionally made up/had a little help from Photoshop. In other words, they are not real.

Your DH and DC love you just the way you are. Let that be enough and count your blessings.

Original poster
haventstillgotit · 30/09/2011 21:40

thanks again for the great advice

i think i need to face up to the stuff that happened when i was younger and maybe look for some counselling. have no idea where to even start with that one though, i know there are long waiting lists and there is no way i have the money to go private Hmm

its funny, the people who have suggested i stop reading magazines, its not really even the pictures in them that make me feel bad about myself, its actually every day people that i feel jealous of, ie, if i see someone when i am out and about that i think looks "better" than me in some way. i am particularly jealous of women who have had kids and still look great Blush i have got a real thing about it. it doesn't help that (again) in the media, they are obsessed with what women look like after having DC, a recent example is orlando blooms wife/gf posing in her pants about 3 weeks after having a baby - grrrr Hmm

OP posts:
marriedinwhite · 30/09/2011 21:54

I had DS1 at almost 35 and felt I was well past my best. I'm nearly 51 now and hanker so much for when I wat 35! I weigh exactly the same as I did before DS1 was born all those years ago, I have more highlights grey hairs than I could have imagine possibe, boobs need an exceptionally good bra, midriff has filled out a bit, full of hot flushes, legs are still OK. YOU ARE FINE -ENJOY YOUR 30'S and keep smiling. I'm always told people want to come and talk to me because I smile at them and am always laughing - if you get lines make them laughter lines. And remember those of us who are 20 years on envy you.

Chrononaut · 30/09/2011 22:09

a recent example is orlando blooms wife/gf posing in her pants about 3 weeks after having a baby - grrrr

oh i wouldnt worry about that, those things are usually airbrushed and photoshopped to fuck.

Hardgoing · 30/09/2011 22:09

Yes, but the pictures you look at model what you think you (and these other mums) ought to look like. Unless your children go to a school next to a model agency, I doubt very much that every mum you meet looks really slim and hot. A few do at the school my children attend, but the majority of us are a bit larger than we would like, and don't resemble Orlando Bloom's wife in any shape or form. Nor do we spend all day not eating and exercising for several hours to get her shape.

You could talk with your doctor about getting some counselling, it depends what the waiting lists are like near you (people sometimes cancel and you can get to the top quickly), or you could contact one of the counselling organizations and see if anyone can do reduced rates if you are a bit hard up.

In the meantime, chatting with your husband and perhaps a close friend about this might help.

It would just be such a shame to waste such a lovely time in your life (nice husband, two children, finding new mum friends) fretting about something like this.