Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

That my DC's are not invited to my brothers wedding

335 replies

Siszilla · 27/09/2011 23:56

yes another childfree wedding thread....
We have attended a few child-free weddings and it was lovely to leave my DCs(4and2) with relatives at home to enjoy them. But, my DB is getting married and as most of his friends are already married with children, inviting all would mean 30+ kids at the wedding, which I do get. So friends babies are invited but not my DC's.

I am the only sibling and we live in London and their wedding is in Devon, so that means 3 days away and childcare needed for duration ( available childcare will more than likely be at the wedding) apart from elderly MIL who I wouldn't dream of leaving my DC's for 3 days with. What do I do, declining an invite is not an option. I have spoken to my DB but he is firm ' i have enough notice to get it sorted!'

OP posts:
Original poster
Siszilla · 28/09/2011 17:47

Thank you all for the suggestions, all really helpful I especially like the cake suggestions wicked Grin. My DB is being a bit of an idiot tbh but he is in love and doting over his bride to be, they are a very romantic couple and I can totally see why they would worry about any spoiling of vows, but we would be worried about that too.

My Mum has come up trumps (as always) and has suggested that my DC's attend as her guests (she doesn't have anyone for a plus one, so she reckons they can be a half each Grin), we'll see if this light hearted approach works.....

OP posts:
Insomnia11 · 28/09/2011 17:50

YANBU. I think your brother is being an arse.

anewmotivatedme · 28/09/2011 18:01

Siszilla - our complicated arrangement worked for DH's cousin, who we only see at family parties, and don't really socialise with. I too would be cross if my younger brother left out our children.

theressomethingaboutmarie · 28/09/2011 18:01

i find this really sad. What's so objectionable about children? Yes, some of them are noisy and need attention but then plenty of adults are just the same too! Why are children seen as being disposable and for it to be okay to leave them with strangers. I find it totally baffling. My daughter would cry her heart out if I left her with a stranger in this kind of scenario too. Your brother is acting like a heartless dick.

anewmotivatedme · 28/09/2011 18:02

I would have understood, if when our children were very young, my brother had asked us to not bring them to the church service (I have been in services that have been disrupted by children).

BeyondLimitsOfTheLivingDead · 28/09/2011 18:06

They cant stop you taking DSs to the service, they're open to everyone. They are aware of this arent they...? Wink
Okay, they dont go to the reception so as not to "ruin the speeches"
Whats the excuse for the evening do?

RedHotPokers · 28/09/2011 18:12

Tbh I would be mightily pissed off if my DCs weren't invited to any part of their Uncle's wedding. We had only four kids at our wedding (DH's 4 DNs), my DSis had only 2 kids at her wedding (my DCs). It is totally NOT unusual to have nephews and neices attending a no-child wedding IYSWIM.

I can just about understand the vows bit if the B&G are very precious, but to ban your DCs from the whole wedding! Shock

Wormshuffler · 28/09/2011 18:13

I think the babies only rule has been invented in order to accomadate DB's future SiL to be honest.
Babies are far harder to keep quiet during vows and speaches.
The last child free wedding I went to ( a good friends) was no kids, when We got there friends family had there kids there. I wasn't in the least bit put out that they were there but mine not as they are family!
They are his neice and nephew and should be invited in their own right. YANBU

RedHotPokers · 28/09/2011 18:14

Can you suggest your DH misses the ceremony and looks after the kids, and you all attend the rest of the day? Surely they can be taken for a walk by your DH during the speeches if they get too noisy?

I would DEFINITELY say you can't attend the family lunch the nexgt day. Are they aware that your DCs are part of your family??

BeyondLimitsOfTheLivingDead · 28/09/2011 18:17

Btw, I've been the Only Person With A Child At A Wedding...
(FIL, other end of country, and DS was 4m and EBF)

I felt bloody awkward. BILs exgf had a go at me for not expressing (not that she would let BIL take DN away without her Hmm ?) and hasnt spoken to me since.
So the EBFers probably wont enjoy the wedding anyway, they'll be feeling too guilty Grin

Insomnia11 · 28/09/2011 18:20

Babies are far harder to keep quiet during vows and speaches.

Quite. DD1 was about 5 months old at a dear friends' wedding and had been sitting there pretty quietly until the big where the vicar said "Does anyone know of any reason why they should not be joined in matrimony..." and DD1 piped up "Aaaarrrrr". Luckily my friends and the vicar thought it was very funny.

PeachyWhoCannotType · 28/09/2011 18:21

Anew absolutely

Unless he then said you ahfd to find a way to attend whatever surely?

BeyondLimitsOfTheLivingDead · 28/09/2011 18:21

Babies are far harder to keep quiet during vows and speaches.

Actually DS was silent at both weddings I've been to, I just shoved a boob in his mouth at any moment where he needed to stay quiet Grin

Harecare · 28/09/2011 18:23

Hooray for your Mum! I have a vast family with millions of children, but if I ever got married I would want all my family there - or none. So either way it would be a quick registry job and then either a big party in a hall or just dinner for me, DP and our DCs. I just don't get the current trend for wanting a wedding to be all about the bride and making her a princess for the day. Surely it's all about joining of family and children are a part of that. Every church wedding I've been to has had children and the vicars have reminded us that children are welcome guests and express themselves at times we don't plan which is all part of the service.

chocolatehobnobs · 28/09/2011 18:23

This kind of bullshit is sadly more common than I thought. Best friend told me today that her younger brother had refused to let her take 5 week old DS to his wedding, even though she and DH were making a huge effort to attend driving 5 hours, staying 2 nights in hotel after she had been very ill for a few weeks after birth. In the end, her PIL drove 6 hours to stay in same hotel and babysit during the ceremony and reception. Brother still had the gall to complain when DS was taken to the "prewedding photograph shoot" in carrycot (left quietly sleeping in the corner) as PIL had not yet arrived. WTF?

CristinadellaPizza · 28/09/2011 18:27

Your mum sounds fab :)

Hope you resolve it and it doesn't lead to mega-family-fallout. At least you know that YANBU :o

anonacfr · 28/09/2011 18:42

What I find utterly shocking is that your 'D'B doesn't even want your children in Devon at all!! You've offered loads of compromises and yet he just wants you to act like you're childless for three days.

The other thing to consider (for those of you who don't mind leaving children with non-relatives) is the following- how do you get a babysitter who will look after the children for that length of time? That involves someone who's prepared to sleep over at your house. I don't even know if you can hire someone to do that?

Quite frankly in your position I would apologise profusely and tell your brother that you have tried to come up with options and as none seem suitable you won't be able to make it. Tell him how disappointed you are and how you wish you could have been there.
And then tell him to get his cake from someone else.

unfitmother · 28/09/2011 18:47

Good for your Mum! [griin]

meditrina · 28/09/2011 20:22

I love your Mum's solution - she sounds like a total star!

In case there's a hitch, could I just say again a suggestion I made ages ago up the thread.

Organise a rota of members of your family who will be there. Email all of them and explain in very neutral terms the background, and ask if they would be prepared to do some turns in babysitting during the time in Devon.

You then get familiar baby sitters and no-one misses too much of the ceremony. (And it'll be quite satisfying if the bride and groom notice).

ThePrincessRoyalFiggyrolls · 28/09/2011 20:49

You see isn't that extraordinary - your mum gets a +1 so they would be happy for some one random of your mum's choice to attend that they may not have met or she may have picked up at the pub the night before Wink but won't entertain a compromise?

We had a relatively child free wedding, my dn/nephews came but my cousins children didn't as they weren't invited - all cool with that - however dh's great aunt complained that her grandchildren weren't invited as dh's younger cousins were. DH had never met them, had only seen great aunt 1x in 10 years and hadn't seen her children since he was a page boy at their wedding when he was 11 so nearly 20 years! I have never felt guilty.

Do you not think op that your db doesn't want them in Devon because a) people will realise he is a big shithead if they are in the vicinity and not invited, b) stbsil sister doesn't want focus away from her baby? Oh who knows but you all come as a package so I think I would tell them to get rid or leave it to the stbmil Grin

musicposy · 28/09/2011 20:56

I agree - your mum gets a random +1 invite and yet they aren't having your children?

Feeling mean but I really hope a load of random people with babies and toddlers turn up to the ceremony for the fun of it/ to get out of the rain/ for somewhere to go - as is anyone's right!

Liking your mum's idea, though! she must have some sway if she is paying part.

SheCutOffTheirTails · 28/09/2011 20:59

"they are a very romantic couple"

they don't seem to have the first notion of what romance means.

hint: narcissistic self-obsession at the expense of people who matter is the opposite of romantic

unfitmother · 28/09/2011 21:00

How mean!

BeyondLimitsOfTheLivingDead · 28/09/2011 21:00

Let us know where the ceremony is, we can all pitch up with our DCs

musicposy · 28/09/2011 21:04

I'm liking your thinking, BeyondLimits Grin

Swipe left for the next trending thread