That my DC's are not invited to my brothers wedding

[Siszilla]

yes another childfree wedding thread....
We have attended a few child-free weddings and it was lovely to leave my DCs(4and2) with relatives at home to enjoy them. But, my DB is getting married and as most of his friends are already married with children, inviting all would mean 30+ kids at the wedding, which I do get. So friends babies are invited but not my DC's.

I am the only sibling and we live in London and their wedding is in Devon, so that means 3 days away and childcare needed for duration ( available childcare will more than likely be at the wedding) apart from elderly MIL who I wouldn't dream of leaving my DC's for 3 days with. What do I do, declining an invite is not an option. I have spoken to my DB but he is firm ' i have enough notice to get it sorted!'

Im probably gonna get flamed but its their wedding they are entitled to have the day they want.If no kids is what they want its u who should be understanding.And no im not married but i do understand that weddings arent suitable for children and people forget nobody loves their children like they do

rainbows its not a totally child free wedding tho others are taking babies but he doesnt want his own family there and they arent even allowed to the meal the day after,he doesnt want them anywhere near the wedding,he wants the op to leave them in london while the wedding is in devon,hardly fair is it?

Your brother is a ballbag.

I can't believe anyone would think they got to insist that small children were left at home for three days so that they could be the focus of attention for days on end.

Don't discuss it with him any more.

He has made his wedding into an occasion for rows and bad feeling. It's his choice.

Send your regrets and let him sort out his own cocking cake.

I love my nieces and nephews almost as much as I love my own children.

Also - unless you have a terminal illness, you don't get to have a day that is all about what you want.

That is a ridiculous and embarrassing thing for an adult to demand.

rainbow,
I agree that people have the right to child free weddings, but then they have to accept other people have the right not to attend, and that three days is a long time to get childcare for.
I think if children are well behaved then weddings are OK for them, if a wedding was unsuitable for children then ti says to be it will either be as boring as sin or a piss up (which woudl also be boring to me).
I think what would put me off chidlren would be the parents who let their children behave how they want, because "everyone knows children make noise" etc. If a parent was always saying that their child was tired, unsettled etc every time they misbehaved and not telling them they have to behave then i would not want that child at the wedding. It is not so much the children, but the bad parenting that is the issue. If a child starts crying or talking then their parents should take them out during the ceremony, but many do not and think it is not a problem.

rainbow of course they are entitled to the day they want. They are not entitled to demand that other people are subjected to inconvenience and expense in order to participate.

shecutofftheirtails,
But it is their wedding, you cannot just bring anyone you want when they are not invited.

"so my only compromise at the moment is to bring them with us and have a nanny all day and evening, but DB is still saying I should leave them at home".

It sounds like you have been really understanding and tried to make it work. You are a much better person than me Siszilla. I would have already thrown my toys out of the pram on this one.

It sounds as though they deserve each other tbh

what a pair of shallow selfish numpties

I wouldn't go.

I hadn't thought about the costs involved. I would be inclined to flag up with your brother the cost of a baby sitter for 3 days or a full day and night and ask him if he really doesn't see why this is problematic for you.

I'm appalled by his behaviour.

Ok, I can understand wanting a childfree wedding. Sort of. It wouldn't be my choice, but I guess you could sit at the back of the church / reception in case you needed to leave - I don't have children myself by the way - but to leave them for 3 days, for a family occasion? Ludicrous.

I understand that you don't want to rock the boat but my mother would have rocked it for him - who died and made him God? Another vote here for telling him to sort out his own cake.

I asked today if they could eat at the reception with us and that I would pay for them, but was told no they would disrupt the speeches hmm so my only compromise at the moment is to bring them with us and have a nanny all day and evening, but DB is still saying I should leave them at home.

You know, I would actually be quite offended that he thinks my children would be such a nuisance that even this compromise wouldn't do. :( I have to admit I really don't get the whole child free wedding thing, but fair enough, each to their own etc. Every wedding I have been to has had lots of children and they have not disrupted the wedding at all but rather added to it. I find it rather sad that people want to exclude children from a family occasion like a wedding - especially if it's close family! People seem to be prepared to put up with annoying relatives who get a bit 'wild' and embarrassing when drunk, rather than children who are also part of the family.

But, as I've said, each to their own... However, in this case we're talking about the children of very close relatives and they are not even willing to accept the compromise you have suggested! Good luck in whatever you decide to do, OP.

It is a bit like destination weddings and hen do's.

1. you can do what you want on your wedding day, but you cannot then demand that everyone else goes.
2. people may have time to save up, but within reason why the hell should they save up for a year for you. Weddings always mean an outlay for the guests, but be reasonable. Expecting people to save up the cost of a mini-break to hire a three day nanny on top of all the other expenses is out of line, as is demanding people spend thousands witnessing your wedding in timbuktoo. You either compromise, or accept that people cannot attend.

If you do feel duty-bound to make his cake, I suggest \link{http://www.google.co.uk/imgres?q=cunt+cake&hl=en&gbv=2&biw=1159&bih=782&tbm=isch&tbnid=Mg6IIR59BmajNM:&imgrefurl=img.moonbuggy.org/cunt-cake/&docid=5NOLPilwHnJZ7M&w=544&h=408&ei=5DiDTq-QG4Kj8QPltJEK&zoom=1&iact=hc&vpx=270&vpy=149&dur=1059&hovh=194&hovw=259&tx=157&ty=83&page=1&tbnh=134&tbnw=176&start=0&ndsp=24&ved=1t:429,r:1,s:0\this} as an easy-to-transport, practical option

There is no point saying their wedding their choice- it's also their choice that OP 'sorts it' and that makes it unreasonable

Frankly I would not enjoy a wedding so uptight that a child 'ruining' the speeches is an issue; I know that's what some people wwant and each to their own but so far the very few of these I have experienced have been joyless affairs run by a Bridezilla who thinks everyone should be waiting on her becuase it's her big day etc etc etc.... to me a wedding is about family and community and both can exist separately but not with me there. I have absolutely declined a few invites on this basis, especially teh one where I was expected to elave a 6 week old BF baby with a babysitter overnight- er wtf? Mind you they never said thanks for the gift either so they were indeed rude buggers . If she really si that U and he is not just using an excuse then sit back and wait for the divorce frankly: can you imagine being wed to someone so unbending? yuck.

Seriously if they can't make any compromise they will have to suck up a no. Prime your parents as to why beforehand but sometimes people are impossible to reason with. Get the cake couriered to them with a congratulatory note and find something nice to do as a family that day instead.

Oh the best wedding I ever went to wasone where the Bride and groom ahd a child same age as ours (about 2) and they were actually disappointed we did not bring ds1 with us (I was 36 weeks pg and wanted day off!), the gorgeous DD was a bridesmaid and pretty much ruled the whole event including teh vows: bloody fabulous.

And the most U couple I ever met were family that asked a friend to save to go to Africa to witness the vows and be BM, then told him after the vows they would be on honeymoon the rest of the week and did not want to sit with him at dinner or spend time! it takes a lot for me to feel pity for that BM as he is an ex but FGS how U is that?

my scrummy little second cousin farted extravagantly throughout our very solemn Catholic wedding service

she stood up on the pew and bent over to do it as well, in her bridesmaid dress

even the priest had the giggles

who ARE these joyless tossers who want everyone to sit bolt upright listening to the speeches? I bet it will be tacky bad-taste humourless hell.

I would decline. Sort something out, what exactly? If it was just for a few hours you could probably arrange to pay someone to babysit, but you can hardly conjure somebody to take your dcs for 3 days out of thin air. It is very odd to invite friends' babies but not his own nephew and niece.

That is of course the great unasked question Greeny!

Does anyone actually want to hear wedding speeches? Maybe just the weddings I have to have been aprticularly painful- the identical twins who muttered and we could not work out which was grrom, which BM and what on earth they were saying; the one where they decided to goa round the room getting eeryone to stand up and give memories of a departed father whom everyone ahd already said would have smacked the groom for even daring to go near his DD and where we all knew the bride ahd shagged the photographer the night before- but

Oh OK I go to some bloody odd weddings. Tis a truth.

I may have missed it, but why is not going not an option?

If it were me I would be declining on the basis that I

a) could not find someone to have my kids for 3 days
b) could not afford to do all the other suggestions of nanny/holiday cottage/ baby sitters for 3 days ( am I right that they are excluded from all celebrations?) However if he wanted to foot the bill then sure why not or you could send them an invoice for the cake, making sure it would cover childcare costs......

What have your parents said to it all?

Dharma (great name) becuase DB says so it seems

why thank you Peachy - In that case I really wouldn't go.....

OP, your DB and bridezilla seem to think they are King and Queen of the World just because they are getting married. I've seen it before, we all have.

You are trying to compromise and your playboy brother seems to think us parents all have rent-a-free-babysitter on speed dial. What a laughable shock he and wifey will have when they become parents themselves. I hope they look back and squirm with embarrassment.

As to what to do? Well I don't think you should hire a cottage, go self catering, pay a nanny, ring round other guests with kids etc. No- why should you have to bend over backwards and tie yourself in knots for someone who acts as if they don't give a shit about you or your kids, their own blood relatives?

Ask your Mum to talk sense to this pig headed groom, and if that doesn't work, well, throw in the towel and say it's just logistically impossible for you and your family to attend, have a nice day. Don't go out of your way for someone who isn't giving you a second thought. He is on a control freakery power trip. Don't enable him any further.

I would worry what a babysitter or family member is going to do for that length of time with them, mine would get very bored however much colouring /playdough /toys/walks that you took for that length of time. Surely they could go to the service and the evening do.
I hope they are invited to the 'family lunch'!!
You are a very kind and patient sis op!

I haven't read all the posts OP but YANBU. I had a mainly child-free wedding (just a few babes in arms) but that's because we had a relatively small wedding and no close family or friends had children at that point. However had my gorgeous scrumptious niece been born at that point she would of course had been invited .

Also, whilst I would expect close family children to be at weddings I wouldn't think it odd if more distant family children or friends' children weren't - it strikes me your DB has got it all back to front and you are right to be upset and annoyed.

Having said all that it sounds like you are the sort of sister who doesn't want to upset your DB. If it was me I'd probably depend on MIL to come with us and help us out but I'd definitely give the lunch a miss on the day after the wedding and do something nice with the DCs.

If that wasn't an option then I think the only realistic option is a sitter/nanny at the venue or at a push at wherever you are staying but it sounds like you'll probably have to pop back at some point which will mean you'll miss part of the celebrations. Think your DB will just have to lump this.

I'm not suggesting any of this because you should do this - I really do think that it's your DB who IBU. It's more that these are probably the most feasible options if you are willing to be as accommodating as possible.

Failing all that I'd give the wedding a miss and just courier a turd-shaped cake instead .