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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be furious that neighbour put letter through door at 5am complaining about dd crying..?

470 replies

cheaperthantherapy · 27/09/2011 09:03

i need some perspective I think... Am 12 weeks pg, so hormones contributing to irrational emotions -AIBU....

We moved to new house in July, semi detached in London. Poor dd, 14 mo, has been unsettled since move and has woken up average twice a night crying. I soothe and put her back down within 15 mins. The past week she's been teething and waking screaming 6 times a night. So I have get in with me to quickly calm and try teething gel.

Last night 5am our neighbour (mid 20s woman) put a letter through our door saying she is fed up with dd crying, she has gone to doc for medication, and asking if she needs to move to get sleep...

My reaction was to write a note back suggesting in an offended and grumpy tone that she clearly has more issues if she needs to see doc because of crying baby and recommended she buy earplugs (I attached a packet of ear plugs for her).

Dh didn't let me put the note in her door - but am still fuming... AIBU?

OP posts:
electra · 27/09/2011 12:25

People who think it's ok to complain about small children crying are unreasonable, twattish fuck-heads. What I would like to know is WHY they don't understand that WE are tired too, WE are also at the end of our tethers and have no desire to be up all night with screaming child and then to get harrassed by the neighbours in addition is going to make it a whole lot worse!!

I mean, it's not like we are having an all night party is it ffs?? We want to be asleep too!! Sorry, this hits a raw nerve with me as I have a toddler who screams at night if she's ill and she gets a lot of ear infections. If anyone dared to put a note through my door they'd receive the sharp edge of my tongue.

electra · 27/09/2011 12:26

In short YANBU

LunarRose · 27/09/2011 12:26

I think if OP had said she needed help with crying baby cos it was causing problems with neighbour she probably would have had a better response.

electra · 27/09/2011 12:28

When children cry due to pain they do not 'self settle' ime

Tempingmaniac · 27/09/2011 12:28

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TotemPole · 27/09/2011 12:32

GnomeDePlume, a heavy curtain is a good idea plus more soft furnishings to absorb the sound.

I read about people using the egg trays to sound proof make-shift music studios. It doesn't block it out but, as I understand it, does act as dampner.

electra · 27/09/2011 12:32

redsky - but what can you actually do about a small crying child? They don't understand that they are waking others up. If I were the neighbour I would certainly get ear plugs. In some houses whichever room the baby is in you can hear the crying.

AmberLeaf · 27/09/2011 12:32

YANBU

I agree that you should tell her you read her note to your baby this morning and shes let her know her response tonight.

AmberLeaf · 27/09/2011 12:32

she'll

purplemurple · 27/09/2011 12:36

YANBU as easily as the OP could have pre-empted the neighbours note, the neighbour could have spoke to the OP after a couple of weeks of being disturbed.

The OP isn't choosing for her baby to cry, they do that you know.

I have been in a similar position with my neighbours. my eldest two dd's slept through from six weeks, never had a problem. My youngest ds cried and screamed constantly from 5 mths until 2.6 yrs. Every night without fail he woke bang on 1am and screamed for an hour. I would try everything to soothe him. I apologised to my neighbours but they began to bang on the walls whenever he cried. It turned me into a nervous wreck, I would go around various friends every day even getting him washed and dressed there because he would really scream then and they would be banging away.

The HV came out to do a home visit (asked for help), my neighbours banged on the walls when she was there and she was like Shock . It turns out that ds has autism. We no longer speak to the neighbours (not averse to screaming at their teenagers, so not perfect neighbours themselves btw).

I would try to resolve it though as it isn't pleasant living next door to people you don't speak to.

LunarRose · 27/09/2011 12:40

Electra: No you are right, but then I was never happy to let either of my two cry in pain either. The self settling only happened when my daughter was waking out of habit. When she screamed at night from pain it was usually ear infection and my neighbours wouldn't have heard either because I was down the out of hours GP getting her treated!

Tempingmaniac - DS too had feeding problems. combined with Dr we tried gaviscon, different mild brands, stay down milk had allergy testing. I was often up at night with him feeding or if I could do nothing else cuddling him monkey style and rubbing his tummy.

But I do think that if your neighbour has been kept up every night since JULY something needs to be done.

thirsty, hungry, nappy, cuddles, doctor, self settle (practised at bed time not in middle of night), out walking at night = no neighbour problem

buttonmoon78 · 27/09/2011 12:40

That sounds nasty purple.

I still think the onus for starting dialogue lies with the party causing the noise, however unwillingly the noise is being caused. If I was in the neighbour's shoes I'd think twice before saying something as you can never be sure of the response. She may have felt this way and then snapped one night.

electra · 27/09/2011 12:41

Oh and I have an autistic child who regularly did night screaming and banging the wall when she was little. I did feel bad for the neighbours especially because we lived in a house with thin walls and apologised to them about it and they were decent people and never showed any sign of anger towards me about it and they had kids of their own.

With most kids at least you know they'll grow out of it.

beakinthebeeswax · 27/09/2011 12:42

I like your style, electra. I is bloody horse work dealing with an ill baby or one that wont settle, my 11 month DS was up for ages twittering last night. Our walls paper thin, and our neighbours laugh about hearing him cry in the night. I think that is because their daughter has just had a baby.
Wait till OP whining neighbour has had a baby. She may well change her tune.

WE WERE ALL BABIES ONCE!!!Shock

ArmageddonOuttahere · 27/09/2011 12:42

They banged on the wall, purplemaple? Arseholes. Angry

buttonmoon78 · 27/09/2011 12:43

That's the point though electra. You apologised - was this when it began/soon after or months later? I reckon an immediate 'I'm so sorry, we're doing all we can' would probably defuse many nasty situations.

HowAboutAHotCupOfShutTheHellUp · 27/09/2011 12:43

Our neighbour's baby screamed the place down in the early hours for months. However, it didn't affect our lives too much as we used earplugs; it was a mild inconvenience to have to wear them, but we didn?t think for one minute to complain about it as it's one of those things in life that you just have to deal with, and we didn't expect our neighbours to come and explain themselves to us, either.

My DP and I don't have children. (I come on MN for 'AIBU' and 'Relationships' before anyone asks what I'm doing here). Not all people without children are selfish ignoramuses. However, we are no pushovers; if our neighbours were regularly playing loud music, we would be the first to complain.

To sum up, YABU for not empathising with your neighbour, she is BU for not buying some earplugs!

Take her a bottle of wine and smooth things over, life is too short for friction.

Witchofthenorth · 27/09/2011 12:44

LunarRose and to all others saying that OP is being anti social......she is not leaving her baby to cry, the OP is trying to settle a child in pain, whether that be due to teething or an ear infection is actually irrelevant. She is also up with her child 6 times a night, its not like she is snoring through the whole bloody lot.

I still stand by my statement of the OP should not need to apologise, she has done nothing wrong, babies cry FACT. They cry even more when in pain, and the OP is probably feeling like the worst mother in the world at the moment because she is unable to stop it.

But I am obviously entitled so there! Wink

Meglet · 27/09/2011 12:45

Yanbu. My DS screamed all night when his molars came through. It was shit for me (was pg and working at the time) and I would have flipped if my neighbour had said anything. And we can hear everything in our terrace, I can hear next door taps running if it's late at night.

Notsurehow · 27/09/2011 12:46

Just imagine how the poor neighbour will feel when she sees the OP is pregnant again!Shock

TotemPole · 27/09/2011 12:50

the neighbour could have spoke to the OP after a couple of weeks of being disturbed.

Maybe she just about coping with twice a night, but the recent 6 times has tipped her over the edge.

GnomeDePlume · 27/09/2011 12:51

Totem we have the perfect solution then! Egg boxes on the wall with a thick curtain over the top for interior design purposes.

Lots of rugs, thick curtains on the windows & lots of soft toys are the way to. Laminate floor & blinds on the windows do nothing for neighbourly peace.

TandB · 27/09/2011 12:53

This is a hugely difficult situation. Babies cry. Its what they do and the OP can't change that fact.

However, the neighbour sounds completely desperate and has had no approach from the OP and therefore has no idea whether or not the OP is in fact taking any steps whatsoever to deal with the situation. For all she knows the OP might be simply leaving the baby to cry in her cot while she lies in bed. For all the neighbour knows this might go on for the next few months or longer.

It is a shame the OP didn't approach the neighbour earlier, but I agree that it is essential to do so now in an apologetic way, and make it clear that steps are being taken. I think she should also ask the neighbour about the layout of her house and offer to try different sleeping arrangements if that would make a difference.

We used to live next door to a very nice couple with a baby who cried constantly for the first few weeks. They were mortified and constantly came to apologise and ask if they could do anything. The reality was that it was affecting our sleep badly but somehow it was bearable when we knew that the parents were doing their best and trying to bring the crying to an end. So we used to smile and say 'no, no problem at all'. And wear earplugs.

The crying eventually died down and I commented on it to the neighbours thinking they had come up with a magic cure. It turned out they had bought insulating material and stuck it on the wall between the nursery and our bedroom!

LunarRose · 27/09/2011 12:53

it is not irrelevant ear infections can be treated. At the point where teething pain is that bad, pain relief beyond teething gel needs to be sought!!!

No I don't believe anyone should be left to cry in pain. At least not until all other options are exhausted, as yet they are not, and then at least we still have good old fashoined cuddle which always helps.

But the OP has a lot of sympathy from me, because it is almost impossible when we ourselves are tired to alleviate the problems that are causing the lack of sleep. vicious circle.

electra · 27/09/2011 12:55

It was at the time because she was going through diagnosis. Where I live now it's a victorian house so I think you can't hear as much. And the screamer is now my 2 year old because the poor thing gets a lot of infections.

But that's not the point - some people get nasty even if you apologise in advance as the purplemaple above has shown. And they expect you to somehow design a knob which will turn the volume down on your child. Why can't they get ear plugs?

I will say it again - there is nothing you can do to prevent it happening. Of course what we all most want when we are so sleep deprived ourselves that we feel like losing it with our own child is for the neighbour to put the boot in as well, that really helps(!)