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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be furious that neighbour put letter through door at 5am complaining about dd crying..?

470 replies

cheaperthantherapy · 27/09/2011 09:03

i need some perspective I think... Am 12 weeks pg, so hormones contributing to irrational emotions -AIBU....

We moved to new house in July, semi detached in London. Poor dd, 14 mo, has been unsettled since move and has woken up average twice a night crying. I soothe and put her back down within 15 mins. The past week she's been teething and waking screaming 6 times a night. So I have get in with me to quickly calm and try teething gel.

Last night 5am our neighbour (mid 20s woman) put a letter through our door saying she is fed up with dd crying, she has gone to doc for medication, and asking if she needs to move to get sleep...

My reaction was to write a note back suggesting in an offended and grumpy tone that she clearly has more issues if she needs to see doc because of crying baby and recommended she buy earplugs (I attached a packet of ear plugs for her).

Dh didn't let me put the note in her door - but am still fuming... AIBU?

OP posts:
OpinionatedMum · 27/09/2011 11:45

I second a visit to the GP though.

GypsyMoth · 27/09/2011 11:46

Well the op has already apologised to one neighbour,why not this one?

SardineQueen · 27/09/2011 11:47

So buttonmoon thinks the OPs child is abnormal.

That's a helpful perspective for her.

Tiffany yes but, what? The baby has been waking a couple of times a night since July and has been ill this week and it's been more. Yes, that's what happened.

SardineQueen · 27/09/2011 11:50

So you have a baby
It wakes and cries at night
This is wrong and abnormal and must not happen

What's the answer?

Short of giving it up for adoption, I can't see one.

buttonmoon78 · 27/09/2011 11:53

sardine you really are spoiling for a fight aren't you!

I said in my experience it is not normal behaviour. Other people have different experiences, some of which have been outlined here.

The op is bu in that she has not even spoken to her neighbour about it. Having a pre-emptive chat often avoids a nasty situation, such as the one the op now finds herself in.

She is also bu by being livid. If I was her neighbour I too would be at the end of my tether.

I'm itching to see what you'll take exception to now.

Colliewollydoodle · 27/09/2011 11:54

Chamomilla teething granuals, worked like magic with my two, first time we used it DS1 who had been howling all day Instantly stopped. DH and I stood looking at each otherr in amazement wondering if DS was ok !

sausagesandmarmelade · 27/09/2011 11:57

Poor woman. She must have been at the end of her tether!

Maybe she works during the day and needs her sleep. Something needs to be done so that she can get the sleep that she's entitled to.

You seem to have set off on a wrong footing with not just this neighbour but other ones too.

You need to sort this out face to face and think of a strategy that will enable this woman to get a decent nights sleep...every night! There are always options!

sausagesandmarmelade · 27/09/2011 11:59

and just because people haven't had a baby it doesn't mean they don't understand the problems mothers face.

SardineQueen · 27/09/2011 12:00

I'm not spoiling for a fight. I think there are interesting ideas about what the OP should and shouldn't do vis a vis the neighbours. I'd think something like dinkystinky suggests would be a good move.

What I think is wrong is that people are saying the OP's baby shouldn't have been crying in the first place. People saying it is not normal, and that she is "choosing" to disturb the neighbour, and indicating that if they were in her shoes there would be no crying so she must be doing it all wrong. I think those comments are really unfair and I hope they aren't upsetting her given that she is pg, knackered and upset already.

Tianc · 27/09/2011 12:01

Good lord, I'm feeling a positive saint here.

I have the world's screamiest neighbours - the people living opposite can hear them.

When the baby was left to cry, I would grit my teeth and tell myself the poor lone mother must be exhausted and crashed out. Then they swapped bedrooms, and I realised that actually the mother lay in bed bellowing, "Alright DD, mummy's coming" at 10 minute intervals for an hour.Hmm

SardineQueen · 27/09/2011 12:03

Tianc blimey.

My upstairs neighbours used to have a crying baby when I lived in a flat. I wouldn't have expected them to come and talk to me, I wouldn't have put shitty letters through their door. Babies cry. I shrugged and put a pillow over my head.

julezboo · 27/09/2011 12:04

I see both sides.

However, DS3 is 8 months now, but when he was 2/3 months old i posted here for advice on whether i should post a note through my neighbours door apologising for his constant screaming, i was told no, hes a baby no need. By pretty much everyone that posted on the thread.

Your neighbour was BU for posting a note imo.

But 15 mins is really not long to settle an upset baby down. I dont agree with taking her downstairs, creating a bad habit then, 3am will become a regular playtime.

DS has reflux and CPMI and we are discovering other allergies along the way. He very often screams for up to 2 hours at a time and NO matter what i do, he wont stop, we have been to doctors etc.. I do feel sorry for my neighbours but if i had received a note that like It would tip me over the edge tbh. And im not even pregnant!!

I would tell her you are doing what you can to stop the crying, it will pass soon hopefully as she is teething.

buttonmoon78 · 27/09/2011 12:05

My apologies - it was seeming as though everything I said was being jumped on and twisted.

You're right though in that people saying the baby is abnormal is not helpful. I didn't - I said the behaviour ime was not normal and would bear further investigation to ensure there is nothing underlying which could be causing the screaming.

She is obv not choosing to have her baby scream and disturb the neighbour.

valiumredhead · 27/09/2011 12:06

Teething granules are very soothing - worked well with my ds too collie

Stokey38 · 27/09/2011 12:07

Poor you, sounds awful and I sympathise as my DS used to cry a lot with tething so I know how it can get you down. I agree with posters who have said to go round there with wine and chocs and try and talk to her to explain. I personally don't think you should have to apologise for your baby crying in your own home but the 20 something year old, single me living alone in a flat would probably have felt very differently. Sounds like she felt really desperate to deliver the letter at 5am. I don't think either of you are in the wrong but maybe a gesture might put at least start to get things sorted between you and your neighbour. Good luck!

Andrewofgg · 27/09/2011 12:07

Were DW and I the luckiest parents on the planet?

DS slept through from six weeks - and during those six weeks the other flat in our house was empty, the previous owner having died just before DS was born.

LDNmummy · 27/09/2011 12:08

YABU, just because she has no kids, does not mean she is somehow incapable of understanding what having a baby is like. For all anyone knows, even someone with a kid would be equally as upset at TBH, I wouldn't blame them. Line the bedroom wall with some cardboard or something because it seems pretty unfair for her to have to deal.with your baby waking not just once or twice, but several times a night crying and distressed.

SardineQueen · 27/09/2011 12:08

I think I got annoyed when someone told the OP that all her neighbours hate her.

There's just no need for that sort of thing, really.

I hope she is OK! I would be upset in her shoes too, best though is to bite the bullet, be the grown up and talk to the neighbour.

redskyatnight · 27/09/2011 12:09

I used to be the OP's neighbour. Nothing would shut out the noise of the baby crying at night in the house next door, I struggled to go back to sleep again after being woken and was probably as sleep deprived as the mother.

In desperation I resorted to sleeping in my tiny kitchen in a sleeping bag. (wondering why my neighbour could not take the baby into her corresponding non-joining kitchen)

After 3 months I summoned up sufficient courage to speak to the mother - I was very polite and said that I sympathised and understood it must be difficult etc but was there anything she could do to minimise the noise? I got the same sort of response back as OP has given her neighbour. 2 weeks later I found another house to move into (forfeiting my deposit for not giving enough notice).

Not easy being the neighbour and OP has done nothing to help the situation.

lovingthecoast · 27/09/2011 12:10

I think we need to stop giving the OP such a hard time whether you think she's being unreasonable or not.

YY, she's posted in AIBU but she's upset, sleep-deprived, concerned for her toddler and pregnant. Give the woman a break. A little bit of sympathy, empathy and gentle coaxing towards apologising to the neighbour is far more in order here.

Babies cry! Babies in pain or distress cry even more. It's a fact of life. It's not pleasant if you're through the wall from wall and need to get up for work but it's a fact of life. I do have sympathy with the neighbour as she must be shattered but if she wanted to avoid living next door to a family she should have bought a flat.

Op, it's hard when they don't sleep. I have 4 and one of mine was like this despite doing nothing different. It's also hard to get a good perspective on anything when you're in the early stages of pregnancy so you have my sympathies at least.

beakinthebeeswax · 27/09/2011 12:10

Christ only knows what she would write in the note if she lived next to us!! Its a hotbed of parental frustration! DS never shuts up!!

buttonmoon78 · 27/09/2011 12:11

I agree - comments like that are out of line. And your last line is exactly what I feel. Stop stamping your foot and deal with it or that particular neighbour may well end up hating you op!

It is a horrible situation which is not your fault, but it is your responsibility to try to ensure that it doesn't get out of hand.

LunarRose · 27/09/2011 12:18

I do think leaving babies to cry at night is very antisocial. I've known people to take baby for a walk, use a baby rocker move into the kitchen, anything! You are awake anyway, your neighbours don't have to be.

We're not talking about occasionally. We are talking every night since July.

Something must be done for Mum baby and neighbour!!!

sausagesandmarmelade · 27/09/2011 12:21

RedSky I really feel for you

Sleep deprivation is a known form of torture.

OP should be a bit more understanding and try as hard as possible to find a way of relieving the situation. I feel very sorry for the neighbour, who must be at her wits end.

LunarRose · 27/09/2011 12:23

Actually I do speak from experience I was 25 weeks pregnant up much of the night doing the supernanny retreat thing so DD learnt to self settle without crying for hours. The crying needs to be worked on.
It my case it was my exH that couldn't be woken up